AIBU to not want to spend every Sunday with DH's family

[Jenniferb21]

Hi thank you in advance for your thoughts. so a few facts:
-1 x DS 9 months old

• married 2 years. MIL is nice but FIL is v overbearing & has been extremely unfair to me in the past only since having DS whch DH confronted him about (basically FIL telling me who I should let feed DS and that I shouldn't have a problem with DH doing the gym 3 days and football 2 days in a week etc etc)
• my parents live 1.5 hours away we see them normally once a month
• I'm going back to work soon full time as my boss wouldn't let me go back part time. Planning on conceiving again in summer.

So DH has always wanted to spend every Sunday with his family. His parents, 2 siblings, aunty and her two children (6and 2). I find it quite stressful as it's a small house his aunts is loud and generally a nightmare to be around and her kids are extremely hyper and constantly shout/ run around etc and she shouts at them/ threatens to hit them etc most the day. It's a negative environment when she's there which is most Sundays.

But I'm going back to work soon and I feel like I would like to do things as our little family of 3. Given 1 Sunday a month we're meeting up with my parents but as his are close we can see them on a week night either they come to us for dinner or we go to them.

I have told DH since having DS it's a bit much to do every Sunday and I like having our own little family time. DH now does gym in the morning so only is out Monday night for football and Saturday 9-1 but I feel like due to DS's early bedtime a sat PM and Sunday is our only time together as our little family.

I don't know if I'm being mean/ unreasonable as I get that he wants to see his family and they want to see DS but I can't help but feel resentment about it being nearly every single Sunday. It feel so very monotonous and DH gets funny with me if I've organised to see our friends and their babies etc on a Sunday. Or we're rushing around like crazy doing both as he's desperate To go there.

Advice welcome on if I am being unreasonable and how to deal with this situation. Obviously I don't want to upset DH really.

X

Thank totally agree with cultural differences comment but at the same time I grew up with my gparents pretty much as parents worked a lot. But they were nice to be around supportive to my parents and there were clear boundaries. I actually feel different about MIL she is a fair lady and wouldn't interfere in our Decisions etc.

Whereas FIL is overbearing and will say for instance H should be able to play fball whenever he wants as he did etc. Why do I need his opinion an for what gives him the right to interfere and tell me what I should be happy with.

Dis you stay out or did your dh rearrange his dad?

Jennifer I agree with you. So you need to stand firm with the father in law in that case. Remember he has no right including no legal right to insist on any of this.

I hope you were out at 5pm, OP.

I would be so angry. Why does his and his family's needs trump your needs and those of you son? Why do you have to fit in with them and not the other way around? He says he loves you, but he seems to love his DF more, as what his DF wants is more important to him than what you want.

I'd start going to see your folks every other weekend so it's 'fair'. See how he likes it. (But I'm petty )

Why does your FIL want to come around when your husband isn't there anyway? Weird and uncomfortable.

Omg YANBU.

My DH started this with me and I quickly set him straight. His family don't like me for that reason but I refuse to become part of a routine that I can't extricate myself from.

DH rang on his way home when I was still out and said he'd told his dad not to come. I bet he said I wasn't feeling well rather than anything like the truth though.

Hopefully this means he's started to get the picture? Time will tell.

I think because my parents are quite far away and work Saturdays I'll just start arranging stuff with friends on weekends more and therefore show him that it's not nice to organise someone else's free time without their approval etc. I'll try to pick things Jen won't particularly like. Perhaps next sat I could pay and book in advance for a soft play area Day with one of DS's friends so I'd say well it's a waste of money to not go etc if he says he cba.

Thank you for all your support you've give me me confidence.

No clue why FIL wants to come when DH isn't there. Probably to ambush me again and make inappropriate comments about my parenting decisions or how DH allocates his time. Prick.

Is it that FIL wants to come round when he wants to come round, and was the one pushing in that instance? Or does your DH enjoy the idea of controlling what you're doing when he's not around?

Hopefully, he's starting to see things from your point of view. Just keep challenging him. It needs to work for both of you. Your plan for the weekends sound good.

You aren't going to change your FIL though. He's clearly a certifiable knob. All I can suggest is limit your time with him and don't be alone with him, where he can try to bully you.

every sunday with the inlaws? fuck that, seriously that would be a deal breaker for me,,,I would honestly be single than have it dictated what I did with half my weekend

Thanks everyone for your comments. I've had a sit down talk with DH & used some of your comments. Mainly that it's controlling to make arrangements for my spare time especially when he won't be there too and I want to generally cut down on time we HAVE to spend with PIL. I've explained why I feel this way & said he needs to grow a pair and start standing up to his dad. I asked what he gets from seeing them so much and I've realised that it is more a case of his dad controls him and he doesn't like questioning his dad's behaviour or desires. I've also made it clear that it's not that I don't want to see them and I'm happy to every Sunday for 2-3 hours if we don't have other plans but it's the arranging things without asking me first that is really upsetting me.

It is definitely due to a cultural difference but as ive said to DH I didn't have a baby to please anyone else and I won't make parenting decisions to please anyone else. how often we share time witth our own little family and with others should be balanced and fair for us all.

His dad wanted to 'pop' round tonight. DH said no. So things are looking up!!

Thank you all for giving me more confidence I think what I've realised is my mission is and should be to give DH more confidence to stand up to his dad.

Xxxx

Wow. That's a change! Good job.

Crossing fingers that up stays up. Even if that means guilt tripping him more than his parents are capable of!

Brilliant. When you've got him used to the 2-3 hour arrangement you can gradually cut it down a bit more to 1 1/2-2 hours - or increase the days out so you don't see them so often - easier as the summer arrives. Then next winter refuse to fall back in the pattern of every week.

Well done on explaining yourself OP & I really hope this marks a change

Thanks everyone really appreciate the support! I think he is understanding at least that this is how I feel whether he understands why or not I don't care that much. I know he wants me to be happy he just needs to learn that me and DS should be priority no 1.

I'll have to see how the next few weeks go but when I'm back to work I at least wont be dreading the Sundays anymore! ,