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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to spend every Sunday with DH's family

115 replies

Jenniferb21 · 26/02/2017 00:08

Hi thank you in advance for your thoughts. so a few facts:
-1 x DS 9 months old

married 2 years. MIL is nice but FIL is v overbearing & has been extremely unfair to me in the past only since having DS whch DH confronted him about (basically FIL telling me who I should let feed DS and that I shouldn't have a problem with DH doing the gym 3 days and football 2 days in a week etc etc)
my parents live 1.5 hours away we see them normally once a month
I'm going back to work soon full time as my boss wouldn't let me go back part time. Planning on conceiving again in summer.

So DH has always wanted to spend every Sunday with his family. His parents, 2 siblings, aunty and her two children (6and 2). I find it quite stressful as it's a small house his aunts is loud and generally a nightmare to be around and her kids are extremely hyper and constantly shout/ run around etc and she shouts at them/ threatens to hit them etc most the day. It's a negative environment when she's there which is most Sundays.

But I'm going back to work soon and I feel like I would like to do things as our little family of 3. Given 1 Sunday a month we're meeting up with my parents but as his are close we can see them on a week night either they come to us for dinner or we go to them.

I have told DH since having DS it's a bit much to do every Sunday and I like having our own little family time. DH now does gym in the morning so only is out Monday night for football and Saturday 9-1 but I feel like due to DS's early bedtime a sat PM and Sunday is our only time together as our little family.

I don't know if I'm being mean/ unreasonable as I get that he wants to see his family and they want to see DS but I can't help but feel resentment about it being nearly every single Sunday. It feel so very monotonous and DH gets funny with me if I've organised to see our friends and their babies etc on a Sunday. Or we're rushing around like crazy doing both as he's desperate To go there.

Advice welcome on if I am being unreasonable and how to deal with this situation. Obviously I don't want to upset DH really.

OP posts:

Bananamanfan · 26/02/2017 09:22

Have you asked him how he would feel if you were going to your parents every single weekend?

happypoobum · 26/02/2017 09:24

YANBU

I had a similar situation and it was hellish. ILS were all very shouty and I would just sit there wishing I could be anywhere else but there.

I think you will have to tell DH that you are happy to go there once a month, your parents once a month. If he insists he wants to go every Sunday you cannot really stop him, but you and DS will be elsewhere, meeting friends, spending quality time together.

Does MIL have to have DS every Wednesday? I can see that spiralling into disaster fairly quickly.

Babycurls · 26/02/2017 09:27

God yanbu at all.

I couldn't tolerate that. I think once a week is fine if it's just a quick visit for a cuppa but no way the whole day on the weekend. You should definitely be doing things as a family yourselves.

If I were you I'd just put my foot down and say that you and baby aren't going, he can go if he wants but you're doing something else with the baby. Like it or lump it.

I've rowed with dh over less believe me, I like my in laws but I refuse to revolve my weekends around them.

Olympiathequeen · 26/02/2017 09:41

Definitely see them once a month. You can say you have to bring work home and Sunday is the only day you can do it in peace.

Potentialpoochowner · 26/02/2017 09:47

I find it most worrying that he prefers to prioritise spending time every weekend with his parents than his own nuclear family. It feels like you are more invested in it than he is and I think this is worrying. I don't think YABU at all and others have suggested that you 'put your foot down' or 'just say no' if he doesn't agree to reduce the visits and spend more time as a family. You could, and it might get you what you'd like on the surface, but it woukdnt really address the underlying lack of desire to spend more time as a family if you have to go to those lengths. I'd really think twice about TTC for the time being until this is properly resolved.

JustSpeakSense · 26/02/2017 09:49

I would say 1 Sunday a month with your parents, 1 Sunday with his parents and then 2 just your little family is very reasonable.

I have no idea how you are going to get him to agree, he sounds like a nightmare. Perhaps just refuse to go.

Original poster

Jenniferb21 · 26/02/2017 09:50

Update: so this morning he's just said 'what do you want to do today' so I said I heard you on the phone tell your parents we'd be over. He said
'yeh but we can just go for dinner at 4 and be home by 7 for Ds's routine.' He said 'what do you want to do before we go there' he's never asked me this and we used to go round about 2-7pm.

So maybe he is getting the message. But I still don't want to go there every Sunday even if just for 3 hours so I still need to address this.

OP posts:

Ikeameatballs · 26/02/2017 09:57

I think I'd embrace this change enthusiastically!

I appreciate that you don't want to go for 3 hours every week but hopefully you'll be able to do family stuff beforehand and then gradually eat away at the time spent at ILs without it being a big thing?

RachelRagged · 26/02/2017 10:02

Oh god no OP YANBU

Would drive me nuts every Sunday.

BeyondThePage · 26/02/2017 10:03

I'd say - "thanks, glad you are starting to take this seriously, so long as you realise sometimes I'd really like to not go at all."

RachelRagged · 26/02/2017 10:03

Oh read your update .. That is a compromise , for now OP

Whocansay · 26/02/2017 10:10

I think it's good that he's trying to compromise, but you really need to start making plans for the day so you don't got at all. It's no unreasonable or you all to stay at home and relax occasionally though.

You have to be prepared to fight this one out even if he does act like a child and sulk for days.

I would also challenge his dad a lot more. What did you say to his comment about the football? Frankly, I would have told him it was none of his business!

Original poster

Jenniferb21 · 26/02/2017 10:19

Thanks again everyone I have rarely read an AIBU tread where everyone says no! It seems pretty universal and has given me more confidence in standing my ground.

whocansay I said 'well that doesn't mean that's right for me or my family' he was silent.

It's another thread but when DS for 3 months he turned up at mine when DH was at work at 11am id had an awful night of no sleep and BF constantly and was napping. He came to confront me about not letting his sister (DS's second aunts) feed DS. I wanted to only have us and occasionally gparents feeding as I was trying to continue mainly BF and letting DS know who his special people were who fed him etc. I went mad (after crying initially but out of anger) I ended up giving him a piece of my mind. He told me not to tell DH I told him to sod off of course I'd tell DH. DH confronted him at his house alone but he never apologised and still makes these comments. One day I know I'm going to totally lose my shit! Makes it harder to see them twice a week as it makes me feel like We're revolving our family around them and justifying his comments because he feel s so involved in our little family.

Annoys the hell out of me.

OP posts:

Ledkr · 26/02/2017 10:26

user1471441955 · 26/02/2017 11:27

Special people who feed him? PFB much?

Other than that YANBU- but I think slow steps - your DH is trying to compromise at least meet him half way for now. Things will keep changing as DS gets older. Soon DS might have his own activities/ friends parties etc at weekend that will take priority over weekends at ILs.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 11:29

Sweetheart this is unbelievable and you need to be completely honest and upfront with your dh now before this gets worse.

He needs to cut the bloody cord and realise he had a new family now to nurture and cherish.

You are defiantly not being at all unreasonable you have been a bloody saint.

Show him this thread.

hippyhippyshake · 26/02/2017 11:29

I would go with the new arrangement for a a couple of months (if indeed it is going to be a regular thing not just this Sunday to appease you). Then as the weather gets better suggest a day out - zoo, beach etc. Also, he could go on his own once a month. This way, it's not you being the bad guy and maybe twice a month for 3 hours at a time might be doable for a while. As others have pointed out, parties and child-based activities will come in the next few years, very good reasons to knock the frequency on the head.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 11:30

And quite frankly his father sounds a frightening man who I would keep away from me and my child.

IamFriedSpam · 26/02/2017 11:32

Special people who feed him? PFB much? I actually get annoyed with the constant PFB comments. People can choose to be particular if they want to be - it's not like they can't see her baby they just can't feed him. Why is it so important to feed someone else's baby anyway?

Original poster

Jenniferb21 · 26/02/2017 13:15

Thanks again everyone. I am MEGA tempted to show him this thread.

I understand what you mean it is a compromise. What I might do as some have suggested is slowly make plans on Sundays so if anything we only go for a few hours and hopefully as DS gets older we'll have more reasons to do our own thing.

With regards to the feeding my health visiter advised me when I had to start combination feeding (health reasons for DS) to limit the amount of people who fed him so it's all familiar and you keep those special bonds.

I didnt see why his great aunt should feed him when we were there and I wanted to feed him. When he turned 6 months and I'd stopped Bf totally I didn't mind friends or other relatives feeding him then.

But I feel it's the parent's decision and is nobody else's business who feeds DC and I have a friend who decided to FF from day 1 and it would only be her and DH who fed him. I thought that gparents should be able to babysit and bond by feeding in my opinion but respected her right To choose without judging her.

Everyone has different opinions on parenting decisions but aside from cases of neglect or harm I think it's for the parents to decide what's best for them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jenniferb21 · 28/02/2017 21:10

Not sure if anyone will still read this thread but tonight we've had a massive row.

DH said oh FIL is popping round tomorrow. I said.. but he came last Wednesday, we went there Sunday, why does he need to come tomorrow? Also DH won't be home til 7pm FIL wants to come at 5. I'm out all day so at 5 I'd normally feed DS and do some housework etc. So I said there's 2 things a) I've told you I feel a like we don't have time for ourselves enough and b) because of how your FIL has treated me and speaks to me I'd feel uncomfortable without you here.

He basically told me to get over it.

I'm so upset but with myself too. How did I not see this coming before we got married. He's incredibly selfish and obtuse he thinks I'm BU and 'over sensitive'.

Fed up.

OP posts:

blackpoolassy · 28/02/2017 21:16

Can you still be out at 5pm?
Treat yourself to dinner out and don't come home until 7

Sounds awful for you

Whocansay · 28/02/2017 21:18

Time to make a stand.
Don't be in tomorrow when he turns up.
Your husband is an unsupportive bellend. He is not listening to you.

Lovewineandchocs · 28/02/2017 21:18

Sorry to hear this OP. Any chance you can still be out tomorrow at 5pm?

isadoradancing123 · 28/02/2017 21:35

Def be out tomorrow at 5

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