AIBU to not want to spend every Sunday with DH's family

[Jenniferb21]

Hi thank you in advance for your thoughts. so a few facts:
-1 x DS 9 months old

• married 2 years. MIL is nice but FIL is v overbearing & has been extremely unfair to me in the past only since having DS whch DH confronted him about (basically FIL telling me who I should let feed DS and that I shouldn't have a problem with DH doing the gym 3 days and football 2 days in a week etc etc)
• my parents live 1.5 hours away we see them normally once a month
• I'm going back to work soon full time as my boss wouldn't let me go back part time. Planning on conceiving again in summer.

So DH has always wanted to spend every Sunday with his family. His parents, 2 siblings, aunty and her two children (6and 2). I find it quite stressful as it's a small house his aunts is loud and generally a nightmare to be around and her kids are extremely hyper and constantly shout/ run around etc and she shouts at them/ threatens to hit them etc most the day. It's a negative environment when she's there which is most Sundays.

But I'm going back to work soon and I feel like I would like to do things as our little family of 3. Given 1 Sunday a month we're meeting up with my parents but as his are close we can see them on a week night either they come to us for dinner or we go to them.

I have told DH since having DS it's a bit much to do every Sunday and I like having our own little family time. DH now does gym in the morning so only is out Monday night for football and Saturday 9-1 but I feel like due to DS's early bedtime a sat PM and Sunday is our only time together as our little family.

I don't know if I'm being mean/ unreasonable as I get that he wants to see his family and they want to see DS but I can't help but feel resentment about it being nearly every single Sunday. It feel so very monotonous and DH gets funny with me if I've organised to see our friends and their babies etc on a Sunday. Or we're rushing around like crazy doing both as he's desperate To go there.

Advice welcome on if I am being unreasonable and how to deal with this situation. Obviously I don't want to upset DH really.

X

Is there any chance of moving a bit further away so he has to cut the cord

WTAF???

Ehrmmmm. Why the fuck should they have to move??
If YOU don't think you should be spending every weekend with the in-laws, tell him!!
You are both working during the week, so make family time a priority at the weekends. The 3 of you weekends 1 & 3, alternate grandparents 2 or 4 (or both sets one weekend or other.

Assuming you also have time on your own, equivalent to his 'hobby' time, he could always take LO to see his parents when you have your 'time off'? That way it's not cutting into time that the 3 of u spend together

Yanbu-sounds grim!

We go to see FIL and Step MIL every Sunday too. Must be a 'DH parent thing'
I quite enjoy it though tbh.
My parents live round the corner, so we see them informally very frequently, but they're not really interested in DS1 because he's Autistic.
DH's parents love DS1 and totally 'get' him, so we enjoy going there as DH has a little sister who's only a bit older that DS1. It's nice, almost like a break!
But if it's not working for you, if it's too stressful, you need to be firm. The compromise for me, would be a telling DH to go alone if he's insistent and you and your DS do something together, even if it's just chilling at home. Also, ban the 'pop rounds' I HATE them. If they phone 10 minutes before, just say; 'No, that's not convenient right now. We'll see you another time'
It's a little unfair to impose a definite once a month, just because that's what your parents get. If your DS has a loving set of GP's close by, surely it's good that they're interested and want to see them?
I'd just stop the iron clad plans, let it relax a bit

YANBU

My husband was a bit like this, because his parents spent every weekend with their parents he thought that is what you should do.

It was too much for me. I wanted time as a family, just us and our children, space to do what we wanted without inviting every one else or spending every Sunday being cooped up in someone's lounge drinking tea for hours on end.

Eventually he saw my point, and realised actually life is more fun doing stuff together and still making time for family just not as often!

We live very close to both sets of parents (10 minute walk to either of their houses) so it's not really an issue. We can see them mid week after work for tea sometimes, travel isn't an issue etc, but spending so much time with them drove me potty!

do not hang about with these dull people.

These "dull people" are the parents of her DH. HE wants to spend time with them and for their ds to spend time with them. The problem is with him.

I really hope if my children live around the corner that they will grace me with their presence more than once per month. I grew up with one day per week dedicated to seeing grandparents and they are very precious memories.

I know you may not want it as you want more family time but have you tried talking him though a scenario where your family gets as much time as his and you get two long slots for hobbies? Will you be responsible for all the nursery drop offs if he is going to the gym in the morning?

If you are going back to work full time then your parenting will need to be more equal and you'll have more to fit into a weekend anyway - especially if Saturday is always a 1/2 day.

Sounds like your DH is well and truly still tied to parents' apron strings. I can't think why anyone would marry a man or woman like that. Did you not get any warning signs before you got married? Male or female, anyone who puts their parents before their own partner is not good news. You better straighten this out before number 2 baby because its not going to get any better. Have you thought of emigrating? As others have said, once a month is enough.

What 5foot5 said - he's acting like he's still a single bloke with gym, football and speanding a day a week with parents. I've just gone back to work and the time is so precious. I think it's a good idea to make time to see his parents but at another time.
Sounds petty but could you explain that if he wants to see his parents every Sunday then you need to start alternating it with your parents? Maybe then he'll realise!

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I'm getting stressed just hearing your description of the house on a Sunday! And even if it was a lovely tranquil house and your in laws were amazing, every week is far too often. You need your own family time just the 3 of you. You need to be taking your little one for days out, getting fresh air and making your own memories. It actually sounds like a really unhealthy environment in their house. You will have to be more selfish when you go back to work as you'll have been working all week so you'll need to properly relax, and your free time will be even more precious.

As someone else said, the problem is that your DH doesn't seem to see your perspective at all so you may have a battle on your hands. You will need to be assertive and clear about what you are suggesting instead. I also wouldn't focus on why you don't like the environment at their house as you'll just end up offending him and making it harder to make your case. Just focus on wanting to spend time alone as a family and how this is going to be even more important once you're back st work.

Stay strong and let us know how you get on!

If he wants to see his parents every weekend then he's going to have to give up his morning activities to fit them in. Spend morning with his family then the 3 of you go off somewhere else.

If he isn't prepared to make that compromise you'll have to just start saying no.

If he can't see your POV, perhaps sitting him down calmly and explaining the situation may work. Failing that, perhaps tell him it's your parents turn now. You want to see them every week. They're missing out. You could also get in the car and take ds somewhere every week as a protest until he sees sense. He really does need to grow up and respect his own family first and foremost. Not his parents' family. He's making life pretty boring.

I would encourage him to shift gym to Sunday and then go over for lunch with Sat being set aside for the three of you. Still more visits than I would be happy with but at least visits are limited and you get all day Sat together. After FIL is so keen that he goes to the gym surely he can't complain!!

What is the childcare plan when you go back to work? Will they be having DS at all? If so they shouldn't really have any reason to then 'pop in'

You need to sort this out now. What happens in 4/5 years time when your DS (and any other children) have weekend activities or are invited to birthday parties, will you be expected to forego them in favour of seeing his parents?

If you think it's unreasonable then it's unreasonable so speak to your DH and reach a compromise.

Only spending one day a month with them seems a bit mean though! We see my partners parents most days because they're only fifteen minutes down the road. We'd do the same with my parents if we lived so close to them.

Oh hell you deserve a medal 🥇

This would do my head in. Without the midweek drop ins. I'd have lost my shit a long time ago. No advice unique to me, I'd have to put boundaries in place with h though and tell him he's not single anymore and can't live like he is, including expecting to go to parents every bloody week.
I love my mum and see her every other week or so, but every week would do my head in if it was expected. I'd make plans and do something else and to hell with the sulks

If he wants everything his way then he needs to compromise too by cutting down on his activities .

Eventually you might want to have some time for your hobbies or to see friends and currently there is no time to do that

We have similar here, but I don't mind too much - (my mum is 700 miles away, so we meet up twice a year for a week each time) -

We go to MIL on one Sunday,
another she comes to us,
another we have one to ourselves,
another we go to hers along with BIL + kids cousins - nothing is set in stone,

sometimes it will be just DH and one of the kids, sometimes all of us (depends on kids activities - remember in future years you will have those to shoehorn in too!).

As to hobbies/sport etc, what we did that changed everything about, was getting a family calendar for the wall - EVERYTHING goes on there in your own columns. When DH saw how busy his column was with "free time activities" compared to mine, things changed - it is worth a try.

As a child we used to go to my Grandparents every other Sunday....became a bit of a pain tbh as it stopped us from doing other things we'd have enjoyed

It sounds suffocating and week in week out is my idea of hell!

Your dh needs to grow up and appreciate that more heed needs to be taken of the needs of you and DC s. If he can't flip his priorities from son and single man to dad and husband, then I would reconsider TTC again, at least for the time being.

If you have told him how you feel and asked for a more mixed use of Sundays how did he respond?

I broke up with exdp recently. One huge contributing factor was how he couldn't understand that I didn't want to spend every Sunday AND every Wednesday evening with his family. Like I'm the weird one.

I just couldn't do it.

Thanks v much everyone. To answer a few things. MIL will have DS every Wednesday. DH says he'll stop football on a sat when I go back to work. He goes to the gym at 6am and he'll be taking DS to nursery & MIL because his work is closer. I don't want to move because I have a good career and all my friends here. We live a 45 minute drive away from them So it's not like they're round the corner from us. I don't have set hobbies but DH tends to have DS when I have nails& hair done, massages & once a month I go out for an evening with friends.

Generally DH isn't acting single he does a lot around the house (cleaning/ laundry etc) does DS's bath and bedtime routine 5 nights a week and handles all our finances/bills etc. He loves arranging a night away for us together with our mutual friends which I love too so or we go to the cinema every month so we do have some alone time that he organises. He goes out with his friends every month once or so to the cinema or to watch boxing has given up nights out so he's home to help with DS. It's as if he's done everything else with me in mind but he can't see past this issue.

I wanted to know if I was BU because I've addressed it with him a few times since having DS and he's responded v badly and ends up falling out with me for days and TBH I end up not wanting to speak to him for a while too. I have said a few times I don't want to spend every single Sunday with your family I want our own space and time together. He just doesn't understand why but as you all said he wouldn't want to spend every sat or Sun with my parents.

I'm glad you all agree with me that he is BU but I have no idea how to stop going every Sunday without it causing such an argument. He takes it v personally and badly. I wonder if he's worried about PIL's reaction if he says we're not coming every week. His dad afterall loves telling DH how to live his life. There's been a few times where I've told DH to man the f up and do what he wants but he bows down to his dad. His dad was round the other night and said I can't agree with you saying DH should give up football on sat I used to play twice a week. I said v clearly it doesn't mean that's right for our family. I'm not going back to work to work all the time at home too.

I think a big problem is DH knows I don't like his dad. But when I've told him before about not liking his seriously inappropriate comments about how I live and parent DS he says I need to get over it!!!!

I'm not surprised the 2 and 6 year old are hyper stuck in a small space for hours on end.

huldra same and she brings no toys or books for them to play with. Now I have DS they play with the things I being for him but they aren't obv for their age group so it's incredibly boring for them. Poor kids.