AIBU to not want to spend every Sunday with DH's family

[Jenniferb21]

Hi thank you in advance for your thoughts. so a few facts:
-1 x DS 9 months old

• married 2 years. MIL is nice but FIL is v overbearing & has been extremely unfair to me in the past only since having DS whch DH confronted him about (basically FIL telling me who I should let feed DS and that I shouldn't have a problem with DH doing the gym 3 days and football 2 days in a week etc etc)
• my parents live 1.5 hours away we see them normally once a month
• I'm going back to work soon full time as my boss wouldn't let me go back part time. Planning on conceiving again in summer.

So DH has always wanted to spend every Sunday with his family. His parents, 2 siblings, aunty and her two children (6and 2). I find it quite stressful as it's a small house his aunts is loud and generally a nightmare to be around and her kids are extremely hyper and constantly shout/ run around etc and she shouts at them/ threatens to hit them etc most the day. It's a negative environment when she's there which is most Sundays.

But I'm going back to work soon and I feel like I would like to do things as our little family of 3. Given 1 Sunday a month we're meeting up with my parents but as his are close we can see them on a week night either they come to us for dinner or we go to them.

I have told DH since having DS it's a bit much to do every Sunday and I like having our own little family time. DH now does gym in the morning so only is out Monday night for football and Saturday 9-1 but I feel like due to DS's early bedtime a sat PM and Sunday is our only time together as our little family.

I don't know if I'm being mean/ unreasonable as I get that he wants to see his family and they want to see DS but I can't help but feel resentment about it being nearly every single Sunday. It feel so very monotonous and DH gets funny with me if I've organised to see our friends and their babies etc on a Sunday. Or we're rushing around like crazy doing both as he's desperate To go there.

Advice welcome on if I am being unreasonable and how to deal with this situation. Obviously I don't want to upset DH really.

X

Thanks so much for replying I feel Mega alone I can't phone my friends cz he'll Be listening in. Thank goodness I have a coffee date tomorrow so I can really vent. Just cried for ages and more angry at myself now.

If I'm out, which I could be, he and FIL will know I've done it on purpose and he lives 40 odd mins away so he'll be annoyed I understand why you're all saying That bit think that'll make it worse with DH. I just want him to understand I want time to myself and my own little family sometimes I don't get why we have to see them 2-3 times a bloody week. I don't know how I can get through to him and worried now I never will. Feel like I should definitely should postpone TTC in summer now. This year intact.

whocansay at least I got a giggle from your post.

I would tell your DH that you will not be home until say 6.45/7pm tomorrow and he has to get in touch with FIL to cancel/postpone.

I'm so sorry for you, your DH is not getting how you feel at all.

Agree with the others, be out or at the very least lock the door from the inside and don't answer it. You've told DH it's not convenient for your FIL to come round.

Tell H that you won't be back by 5pm so either he's there to let FIL in or he'll have to tell him to come later ( or not at all)

Tell your dh calmly and firmly that this is not convenient. If he doesn't cancel fil and fil has a long journey over for nothing, then too bad. It is not your problem, and maybe they will think twice before doing this again

He and FIL will know you've done it on purpose and thats the point. Your 'D'H can't allocate your time like you're an employee! You decide. If he chooses to, he's out of luck.

my ex expected me and dc to sit round his parents every sunday. I did for a while, before I told him I felt like a piece of furniture and kids were bored shitless. I told him he's more than welcome to go but me and dd are staying at home.

my ex also done Saturday football, pubs, parties, golf .... as you can see he is EX.

not to sound judgemental, but I wouldn't be planning any more dc with some one who doesn't have his priorities right with what he already has.

Thanks all I don't get how not one person on here agrees with DH and he still thinks I'm the one BU?!

He's just gone to bed in a huff. mrsterrypratchett you've hit the nail on the head. I feel like he allocates my time.

Can't it be up to me if I just want to be on my own with DS or watch tv or iron or whatever I want to do. Not sit here with nothing to say because I'll feel uncomfortable and have nothing new to say cz I've seen him 3 times in 5 days. Fuck me!!!!

I don't want to live my life like this.

Oh and during the argument he said well if my family can't come here I won't go to your parents and I'll take DS to my parents on my own.

Like it's unfair to go to my parents once every 2 months and as if he decides where DS is going I think that'll be me!

This is so unfair on you. It makes me cross just reading it. He cannot schedule your time like this! Be out. Tell DH you will be out and he needs to cancel. Really controlling behaviour from your DH.

Tell your DH that your parents happen to be near his work this week so they're going to meet him for lunch every day. And then after work he can see them for a coffee before he comes home to you and DC. It seems your DH is a bit thick, so it's time to do to him what he does to you and see if he likes it.

Also, be proactive and text your FIL and tell him that there's no point in coming over tomorrow as you won't be in and that you're surprised DH hasn't told him as you'd hate for him to be sat on the doorstep in the cold waiting for you to return. If FIL is daft enough to drive over when you've said you'll be out then put your coat on and head out the door as you answer it with DC telling him that he knew you were on your way out so why did he come? Then rush off and say you can't stop you've got an appointment and go to the local coffee shop or something for a bit. Do this every time he pays an inconvenient visit and eventually he'll get the message, and if he complains you can just say "well I told you I was going out, why did you come?"

If you don't start putting your foot down now you'll be seeing them every other day for the rest of your life!

Agree with everyone on here and just want to add: do not conceive another child with your H until you are in control of your own life. If that doesn't happen within the next few months plan your escape!

I'm afraid you need to stand your ground on this. He can't agree on your behalf for you to entertain his df when he is not there. That's ridiculous.

Fair enough if he wants to see his family every Sunday. But for an hour max on his own or sometimes with ds for an hour. Not for hours at a time.

Or
Get your family on board and insist on seeing them every Saturday and actually do it for a few weeks. I'm sure they won't mind helping you to drive the message home.

Your DH won't compromise but also, has no helpful suggestions about how to tweak things so they are fairer for everybody. It is very much his way or the highway. I think it is worth pointing that out to him.

It is also bad enough not discussing visits before arranging them with others, but especially wanly when your DH isn't even going to be there for the first two hours. I agree with everyone who has said you should make yourself scarce until your DH gets home.

So he's decided he doesn't want to go and see your family. Or at least that's what was said in the heat of an argument. Personally, I'd get in the car early with my child every Sunday and go and see them. Or even for the whole weekend at least fortnightly. He's playing unfairly. He's threatening to take your ds to his parents lump it or like it. I know it was said in anger, but if he doesn't back down, this could get nasty. He's also dictating to you how you use your time. Something's got to give. And definitely, yes, don't be there at 5pm. Tell your husband that you won't be. He's not your boss and neither is his father. He's starting to sound very controlling and borderline abusive.

You're not working currently, are you? What's stopping you from going to visit your parents now, today? They sound much more level headed than his family. Perhaps a bit of distance between you and your husband will cool the situation off and make him understand you mean business. Or maybe you will realise enough is enough. You're young. I'm not saying you should split your family up. However, you're not too old to think about starting again and it's pointless wasting your life on an ignorant tosser. Either you stand up to him and he backs down or really, your future and that of your ds is going to be pretty grim with him. You only have to read the threads appearing here every day to see how controlling and abusive men are. Do you really want your ds turning out like this? Because this is where he's headed right now.

Thanks again everyone for your thoughts. My mum is visiting tomorrow for a few days (she's been able to get a couple of days off work) so I can at least confide in her. Yes even if my family lived closer I know they'd give us space and always check it's ok to come over. My mum and dad are my best friends but I wouldn't want to see them 3 times a week.

I go back to work in April and I know this needs sorting before then because I certainly don't want to work 9-5 5 days a week and have 3 evenings taken up with his family turning up.

I'm going to be out at 5. Even though id rather be at home with DS it's ridiculous this isn't it.

When H gets home I'm going to tell him he's being controlling and if he keeps telling me how I should spend my time I'll be doing my own thing all this time...with DS x

Good luck. Whatever happens don't let them have ds while you work. Pay for childcare. I never would have left dd with my mother for a whole day at that age. Dd can now speak for herself and grandma is much better behaved with dd than she ever was with me.

Your FIL sounds like a domineering, anachronistic arse who hasn't realised we've hit the 21st Century and men aren't King of the Family and his opinion is not law.

I would hazard a guess that he has always been domineering and your DH is probably scared of upsetting him because he knows, from experience, that it will bring a shitstorm down on his head. That's probably why he gets so upset when you ask for the situation change, he's too scared of the consequences and doesn't want to deal with it. He is also indoctrinated with the idea that his family of origin take precedence over all other relationships including his new family unit ie him, you and your baby.

Sensible PILs realise that when their children grow up and start their own family then it's time to step back and let them have their own life. I mean what kind of self-absorbed cockwomble thinks everybody wants to give up their Sundays to be trapped in his house listening to his world views and watching him viewing football.

Honestly, your DH is lost in the fog and he needs to realise that you and his child are the priority now. By all means see the PILs one Sunday a month but every Sunday just speaks to an unhealthy family dynamic with the FIL at the centre.

Thanks all.

I'm worried if he doesn't change his priorities he'll lose me. It's hard to explain but every other aspect of our life together is good. He does his share round the house, takes care of the mortgage and bills, looks after the cars, does DS'/s bedtime routine most nights etc so he's not totally selfish and obtuse in any other area. Which is why it's so damn frustrating!!!!

Lespritdelsietanner - what you've said really rings true.

His dad definitely thinks he's head of our family.

I'm going to keep putting my foot down and will tell DH if he doesn't care about my happiness how will we have a happy marriage.

I'm not saying I don't want to see PIL just once- twice a week max for a couple of hours a time is plenty. I think I'm being more than fair and you all seem to agree so I know I'm not BU x

He text me at lunch saying I love you and DS.

Funny no sorry though.

Just shows to me he isn't willing to change.

Do you think his father has a narcissistic personality disorder? I know people frown on MN diagnoses but my FIL does (as well as a few diagnosed issues) and it sounds so similar. DH couldn't see through it and would hear nothing against him at all.

I think I disagree a bit with other posters- if I lived closer to my parents I would want to see them more than once a month! If DP didn't want to come then I'd expect to be "allowed" to take the children with me- at least every other week.
For what it's worth, I visited grandparents and aunts every weekend as a child there was a lot of sitting around the living room drinking tea and there some of my happiest memories. I am also very close to my relatives as a result.

These are just cultural differences,. In my family we don't do loads of visits. My parents lived in a different city and we all moved for university and our parents supported that. Some women I know have to move in with the parents in law (Indian tradition in some families) which is the other extreme! Neither is right or wrong but in marriages you have these awful compromises to make (luckily I am single now).

So what about suggesting once every 2 weeks on a Sunday your husband and child visit and you go once a month? Also you are about to go back to work so you might well find the occasional Sunday without child (or husband) might be quite a useful break at home anyway.

No unarranged visits ever to you though. I would never tolerate that.

Peppa - I think if op were complaining about her dh taking her ds once a month and her seeing her pil once a month (so ds seeing pils every other week), she would have had a few different responses. It's the twice weekly rants she's (and therefore her ds) are subjected to by her fil. The claustrophobic atmosphere etc.

A key problem here (not the only one by any means) is that there is no flexibility or choice and the decision to go to the PILs every Sunday is a unilateral one made by the DH. The OP is expected to fall in line or suffer her DH's sulks if she makes other plans on a Sunday.

Another big problem is that the FIL sounds like a very difficult character who doesn't respect boundaries. Coming round at 5pm whether OP likes it or not? Her husband telling her to just "get over it"? This isn't happy families material.

We live 20 minutes drive from my PILs, we see them frequently including every Thursday when we share an evening meal (alternating ours/theirs). This is a lovely thing and it is something that has evolved over the years, that we collectively agreed to do because we all enjoy each others company. If any one of us had to do something else that night that would be fine, we'd postpone and there would be no guilt-tripping. That's not what's happening here unfortunately.