Badgering by the health visitors

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I feel annoyed by this. Do I have to go? AIBU?

My son is 7-month-old and since being discharged by the midwives, the health visitors have been bothering me constantly with phone calls and letters with appointments summoning me to take my son in for 'checks'. The underlying tone of course being that I should comply or else there could be implications...

It was bad enough when he was born, and recovering from a c-section having to answer a million personal and invasive questions. This is my 4th child, his immunisations are up to date, and I have no concerns about his development.

The irony is my 3rd child was born with a health condition that despite a prenatal diagnosis no health professional took seriously once she was born

Is this a new thing, or do others also experience this kind of unhelpful 'harassment' from HV's.

I must be on a list. Or I live in an odd area where HVs have nothing to do. Both mine had a couple of home visits then a couple of fortnightly clinic checks then monthly checks then 6mth-12mth-27mth checks. I presumed it was the norm! No reason I'm aware of for HV to have any concerns about us. Didn't take it as intrusive, if that's what they want to that's fine.

for society which needs to know babies are safe.

What a vague statement. Do you mean the State? I am a member of 'society' and I don't need to know other people's children are safe. Parents can do their job without worrying about what I think!

I think you just have to be patient. My HV picked up that my 5th (last) child wasn't gaining weight, he was feeding but falling off exhausted not full. I was exhausted too! I was grateful for that. It is a bit frustrating to be taught how to bath a baby when you're an old hand but as PP said if they don't see you they can't help with any problems and then they get a bad press.

Must differ between areas. I have only seen HV at monthly weigh ins since dd was maybe 2/3 weeks old. She is nearly a year and not even heard about the 1yr check.

I did have 1hv that made me feel so rotten that I called and cancelled the appointment the HV said I needed but I didn't want (as she made me feel shitty) and told them I wouldn't let her in my house if she turned up! This was all within 2weeks of having PFB so I think I was a bit hormonal

Because some people are naturally distrusting of authority figures? Some people believe their parenting is under more scrutiny than it is, or are uncomfortable with feeling under scrutiny at a time when they feel quite unsure anyway?

Its a pity that some parents feel that way but its not about the parents, its about the child. Maybe there's a problem with the way HVs come across? Judgemental or something. Perhaps that's something that could be addressed in training.

Sorry forgot to make my point on my orevious post which is that a servicd like the health visitors for every 10 people that feel like you they are invaluable for someone like me.

Natsku; No, it is also about the parents. HV give mum health advice too. It's a family service.

I think the reason there are so many poor HV's is because they see people at a time when they don't have the energy or time to complain about poor service.

I have recently complained about one giving out wrong, and bloody dangerous, info about feeding (she also scaremongered about co-sleeping) that I didn't have the ability to do so with my last child 3 years ago. Only when encountering her again and having her totally contradict my DD's GOSH consultant, and being adamant she was right when she wasn't, did I have the strength to complain.

In saying that, it can't be an opt in service. No abusing parent is going to opt into checks. They are needed, we just need to insist on a better quality.

Beth that's brilliant

I've been taking my son to weigh ins at the baby clinic, more for my own peace of mind, especially in the early days. Most the health visitors are lovely and reassuring, and one gave us some cream to try for a patch of eczema on his head which worked really well (sudocrem hadn't touched it).

My assigned health visitor is similarly lovely in some respects - reassuring and kind - but occasionally comes out with humdingers.

One was casually recommending amber teething necklaces.

The second (and the worst) was her making me feel bad about wanting to return to work on a couple of occasions.

When I first met her, she asked what my plans were and I said going back after six months. She raised her eyebrows and said, "Really? Most women like you who have a husband on a very good salary would have at least a year off!"

Most recently, at his most recent weigh in, after chatting, she said, "You're not thinking about going back to work yet are you?" I said yes, next month (he'll actually be close to 8 months old) and she said, "Oh, but not full time?"

Er yes, full time.

Made me feel like utter shit. I already feel massively guilty and conflicted about sending him to nursery, but I work in a male-dominated field where part time hours are pretty much non-existent, and a career break is career suicide. I love my job. My employers are brilliant, but I can't help but think back to previous ones where every woman who had children and went 4 days a week ended up being demoted (but expected to do the same work as in their previous more senior role) or made redundant.

I'm due DC4 and hoping that I don't get a difficult one. My one with DC1 was great and diagnosed me with PND even insisting my ex took time off work so I could go to the doctor for treatment. He wouldn't have helped me otherwise. But the ones with DC2 and 3 were awful and I just didn't feel I needed the involvement. I'm happy to do the basics but tbh if I have any issues then I look to other resources for advice. I'd happily not see them if I could help it.

My health visitor is lovely. She spotted my PTSD when no other professional did and referred me for CBT which turned my life around.

What a fuss about nothing. Most people see the HV a couple of times in the first 8 weeks, then at 1 and 2 years. If you don't like their advice about dummies or sleep training just nod and smile and ignore it.

Most of HVs time is spent with children and families who are really struggling or where there are significant safeguarding concerns. I don't understand why you want to waste their resources by ignoring letters - either turn up for a couple of brief appointments so they can see your child is fine or opt out of the service.

In my area, they don't 'have' to see a health visitor at all. We are 'invited' for checks but they aren't compulsory. I just took mine for the free books

yabu.
how could you Not want to check all is ok with your LO?

you may have umpteen children already but if you are not trained, you miss things, as if you are too close to the child/baby. you need an outsider to make sure.

I don't know why so many mothers seem to take such joy in "sacking off" health visitors. Mine were excellent (so helpful with silly little things like baby acne- saved me having to wait for GPs appointments by getting prescriptions etc) but if they're not surely you either smile and ignore or if they're actually poor complain to drive improvement for other parents?

I made it clear from day 1 that I would not have any HV contact for my sons, apart from sending one away who had not got the message there was never any problem.

Think LaLaLaLyra has got it spot one. Most mums are too emotionally drained / exhausted / just bloody busy getting on with it etc to complain about poor HVs. Some of my friends loved theirs, mine was condescending, patronising and ill informed, and worried the hell out of a few of us with their offhand comments, and downright inability to measure properly!

It's a shame there is such a variety of experiences with health visitors, some poor and some excellent. But i guess that is true with most professionals you come across; poor and good teachers, dentists, doctors, window cleaners etc etc

In our area, the HV comes out for a visit prior to the birth, when the baby is seven days old, then about two weeks, between four to six months, then between 8-10 months. I've never had to go somewhere to visit them though, they have always come to the house for a home visit. Perhaps it would be a pain if you had to trek all the way to the Dr's surgery.

My HV is lovely and is the first ti admit when the questions and tick boxes seem intrusive or irrelevant or a bit daft! I welcomed the visits as it's good to hear that everything was going well developmentally and the chance for a second opinion on things if needed. Plus it was nice to have a brew and a natter about my babies!

I wholeheartedly agree with what some PP have put. If the checks weren't done then children can slip through the net and then it's a case of damned if they do, damned if they don't.

At least it's a chance to show off how proud you are of your beautiful DC!

Mine are currently chasing me because DH has forgotten TWICE to take DS for his 2 year check. I've pointed out to them that as DH is off during the week and I'm not, they'd better speak to him to sort it out, and also that DS's nursery did the questionnaire when he was actually 2, as opposed to cracking on for 3, and it was all fine. But they keep ringing me arsily asking why I haven't remade the appointment yet, and now I've had the GP receptionist on the phone saying they've had a letter and why am I not 'engaging' with the HVs? I know it's not their fault it's DH's but they're driving me batty.

A baby was murdered near here, by the mother. The HV was suspended and questioned about why she hadn't seen the child. The HV is now on long term sick leave. The mother was found guilty of murder.

HVs are accountable for the children on their caseload. If a parent declines contact then alarm bells ring. Sadly child protection is a massive part of a HV's work load.

HVs are qualified nurses and midwives who have done a degree in public health. They are over worked and if they have no concerns about a child they will leave you alone.

With ds1, it was a small city based surgery that seemed to fall between two london boroughs and only had a HV clinic once a fortnight, for an hour which meant approximately 6 appointments. You had to make an appointment but they wouldn't let you book one at the previous clinic or if you were unable to make get an appointment, you couldn't make one for the next clinic because there might be people nearer the time that needed it more than you which could mean that you could go for 8 weeks if you didn't manage to ring at the right time to make an appointment (seemed to change every time, and you'd often discover that they seemed to make the rules up as they went along - so they'd tell you to ring on Wednesday morning to make an appointment but when you rang on Weds they would say that all the appointments had been made on Tuesday morning and there were none left but they wouldn't let you book for the next session, even if you really needed to see them).

With ds2 I'd moved and it was very different - there was a weekly 'drop in' session at the surgery run by about 3 HVs and a couple of support staff. One HV had visited me at home after ds2 was born but she was incredibly rude and didn't seem very up to date. both ds2 and I had medical problems after he was born so back and forth to the hospital - I just didn't bother going to the drop in sessions as they coincided with appointments and I was used to not seeing a HV so didn't occur to me to go, especially having met the one that was allocated to me. I finally went when ds2 was having one of his jabs, you had to stay for a while to make sure nothing untoward happened and they had timed them so you could wait at the HV clinic. It was dreadful. They called a register and when they realised that I wasn't on it, and my baby was months old, they were horrified, told me off for not going weekly, despite the fact that most of the time I had been at hospital appointments so couldn't have gone even if I had wanted to. They also wanted to weigh ds2 naked - he was unsettled after his jabs so I said it was fine, I would weigh him with his clothes on and subtract the amount his clothes and nappy weighed - something that I'd done at previous HV and they encouraged as they had so little time for appointments. HV was horrified, said I couldn't, I said fine, I won't weigh him at all, which horrified her even more. I asked what the problem was with doing the simple sum for the weight as I knew the weight of the clothes and nappy - she didn't think it would be accurate and she didn't know how to do it... I pointed out that it was fine as I did know how to do it and that quite frankly if she didn't know how to do it then as it was something so basic how could I trust her about anything to do with my ds? She was then saying that it wouldn't be recorded properly - so I pointed out that I had an MSc, which included spending a large chunk of it studying and using anthropometric data, so I was more than qualified to put the data point on the graph in the red book and that most children would have been able to do it before they left primary school. She didn't even know that the growth chart was an example of anthropometric data plotted on a chart. She eventually gave in and let me weigh ds wearing clothes but was most disgruntled about it, especially when some of the other mums asked to do the same. She also spotted that ds was small for his age and was saying that she expected me to feed him up as they didn't want babies dropping below 20th percentile . When I pointed out that they should expected to have approximately 20% of babies on or under the 20th percentile, assuming that her population of babies was from a similar background and feeding breakdown to the ones the dataset was based on, but even that's a little simplistic as she needs to take into account the parents too etc etc she just didn't get it. You would have thought a good understanding of the charts was a basic requirement in a HV but it seems not, at least in her case!

think the reason there are so many poor HV's is because they see people at a time when they don't have the energy or time to complain about poor service.

This ^

I've heard a few real clangers from HV, but as I'm usually feeling shattered when I see them I just smile and nod, then inwardly seeth afterwards!

I absolutely agree with the need for HV surveillance and I know they are highly trained - but why do so many not understand growth chart centiles, present their own opinions about sleeping and feeding as FACT, and be so insensitive at times?

When I told HV at newborn check that I'd had c section she winced and said "oh no". I had been feeling great, happy with my c section, recovering well, and suddenly I felt that I'd done something wrong. At my next newborn check HV was much nicer but insisted that I must drink almond milk to recover from surgery .

I did politely correct a HV on something she said which was factually wrong, after she kept badgering me and saying I must have plug socket covers, and she was not happy about it and shut me down.

I went for my 2 week, and six week checkups at a clinic, I had 2 visits - 1 flying (where she gave me the wrong day for my 2 week appointment.. but never mind), and one where two arrived, sat down (I didn't offer tea), handed me a load of leaflets, and were gone again 10 mins later after some form ticking.

Never heard from anyone since!

Oh, I tell a lie, once when dropping the older one at playgroup, there was a weighing thing going on in another room of the community centre so I took DS2 in out of interest. He was fine (which I knew), so I didn't bother again.

I'd go for the standard checks - but I think when my son was young there were only two - around 8 months and 2 years old? I just went to the GP/nurse if he was unwell.

Other than that, I had a bit of badgering when I moved house when he was 1, but when I left a voicemail message for her saying that I worked FT and was not available for a home visit between 9 and 5 I never heard from her again.