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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be terrified of sex?

34 replies

user1487980707 · 25/02/2017 00:24

I'm 25 and I've never had sex.

I'll be honest here; the thought of it scares me . I'm worried it will hurt mostly and I'm scared of having someone that close to me. The older I get the worse my fears seem to get.

I know this isn't normal but I have no idea what to do to fix this

OP posts:

Bettyspants · 25/02/2017 00:26

Op I don't want to read and run but I'm sure there are many others in the same situation and the longer it's left the more odd it must seem! Have you had a partner?

Original poster

user1487980707 · 25/02/2017 00:28

I have had relationships before but I always put an end to them because they would want sex and I didn't

OP posts:

LoupGarou · 25/02/2017 00:43

Didn't want to read and run but hopefully someone more helpful will be along soon as I'm probably not the best person to ask as my first times wasn't consensual and I was a child.

I don't think anyone should have sex until they're certain they're ready, and anyone partner who doesn't respect that needs to be swiftly given the boot. It sounds like you haven't met the right person yet. That said, do you want to have sex? Is it something counselling might help with?

Pollyanna9 · 25/02/2017 00:46

Firstly having the right person who you trust is going to be really important for you I would suspect. No one night flings, you'd need to have a connection and closeness so you were genuinely relaxed with that person.

Then I think you have to possibly step back from the full act of intercourse and break it down into stages. It should be about touching and stroking and intimacy - not wham bam thank you ma'am! (Well, not when you're first starting out of course - you can build up to that!!).

That's all I have for now - bit tired so gonna head off to me bed but will be interested to see what others suggest.

Don't give up on it though - really good sex (especially with someone who you really really love) is absolutely the best thing on the planet I promise you.

MiddleClassProblem · 25/02/2017 00:50

I'm on your other thread.

I think hopefully a time come in a relationship where you feel confident and trusting in your partner to take the next step. But equally if you never want to that's fine too!

Mine didn't hurt for what it's worth nor did I bleed.

MapMyMum · 25/02/2017 00:54

Maybe find someone you can be honest with so that sex is off the table for longer, and is only approached when/if you feel ready. Some people just dont like sex, but equally it could just be fear and anxiety that is holding you back from doing it. IMO if a man is really right for you and into you he will wait until youre ready, then one day things will gradually start to go further and either ypu will enjoy it, or you wont be bothered by it in which case you'll know that maybe youre just not into sex. Be kind and gentle to yourself

Peanutandphoenix · 25/02/2017 00:56

Op I was the same age as you before I lost my virginity so trust me it's not strange or anything like that. It doesn't hurt at all and you will know when you have found the right partner for you and when the time is right for you. What is it about sex that is worrying you so much. Do you think that maybe talking to a counsellor might help.

MiddleClassProblem · 25/02/2017 00:58

And in regards to your other thread, a smear feels nothing like sex. If you did have one don't think for a second that's what sex feels like x

Singyourheartout · 25/02/2017 00:59

I am in the same boat as you! I'm nearly 21 but still a virgin. I actually want sex but I'm terrified, I feel like I'm way to small and it will hurt me. I'm going to take my time and have a boyfriend who is willing to take his time. But I have no idea what to do. When it get up to it I'm just not work up enough and still don't know what I like.
Do you pervious issue with sex? Maybe seeing a therapist will help?

highinthesky · 25/02/2017 01:00

If you created the smear / virgin thread, don't have one for now! (Or you can try, but vaginal muscles can be very strong when they decide to contract involuntarily).

Wait until the time is right before having sex. I know some people seem to be able to have sex without blinking, but for others it isn't the case.

And then have your smear test.

mellowfartfulness · 25/02/2017 01:06

Do you want sex as well as fearing it? Or is it more thinking that you should want sex? Some people identify as asexual - sex is not obligatory and 'normal' isn't everybody.

If you do genuinely want to have sex some day or at least explore the possibility, I think finding a good therapist to talk to would be a good way forward.

Do you ever touch yourself and enjoy it? If not, and if you want to, that might be somewhere to start. If you're worried about pain you could try using sex toys for penetration, just by yourself - you'd be absolutely in control then. If that goes OK you might feel reassured about pain. (I can honestly say sex has never hurt me, though obviously everyone is different.)

Please don't beat yourself up for not being 'normal'. Normal covers a huge range of desire and activity levels, and there's nothing wrong with falling anywhere on the curve. Your sexuality is there for you to do what you want with, it's not a test you have to pass.

itsbetterthanabox · 25/02/2017 01:11

There's no reason to have penetrative sex if you don't want to.
Speak to someone your with an explore in other ways- mutual masturbation, oral sex, using toys together. There's lots of pleasure to be had without PIV.

Original poster

user1487980707 · 25/02/2017 01:12

I think I want to have sex but at the same time I don't because it freaks me out.

I touch myself but if I try to stick a finger up there it can be quite sore and uncomfortable.

I can't use tampons either because I find them too sore too.

If tampons and fingers hurt then sex is just going to be agony isn't it?

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 25/02/2017 01:18

I hate fingers up there but love sex. Very different feelings to me.

TheWorldAccordingToToads · 25/02/2017 01:20

If fingers and tampons hurt then have you considered that you might have vaginismus?

highinthesky · 25/02/2017 01:21

OP, just stop thinking about it for a while. The mind has a very powerful influence over the vagina.

If you're worried about tampons, wait until you're in full flow before trying.

IvankaTrudeau · 25/02/2017 01:25

OP I could have written your post. You are not alone! It's so confusing and hard to talk about in RL.

DistanceCall · 25/02/2017 01:30

OP, lubrication helps a lot. Particularly the first times, when everything is so new and unfamiliar that it can be difficult to lubricate naturally even if you are aroused.

I was only able to lose my virginity because the person I was with (very helpfully) suggested that I get some lubricant from the chemist's. You can try that when you touch yourself, so that you don't worry so much about penetration.

LoupGarou · 25/02/2017 01:33

As TheWorldAccordingToToads have you considered you might have vaginismus? If not, as previous posters have said there is a huge difference between tampons/fingers compared to penetration when you're in the mood and want it.

The first time I had consensual sex I was very frightened, but the man I was with was someone I loved and trusted absolutely and he made it amazing, it didn't hurt at all, it just felt good and right. I also knew that at any point I could have asked him to stop and he would have immediately without making me feel crap about it.

silentsigh · 25/02/2017 01:37

I think a few questions will help you:

Do you experience sexual feelings (either in terms of enjoying masturbation or towards another person)? If not, that's percertly normal. You might be asexual.

With your partners, did you feel like you were sexually attracted to them, but you were nervous about exploring it, or did you not feel the attraction at all? It might be that you weren't with the right person, or that you aren't ready yet.

In terms of fingers/tampons inside, from my personal experience I find both of those panful but I enjoy sex. It's because when you're turned on everything there relaxes and feels different

Italiangreyhound · 25/02/2017 01:47

user1487980707 I was 27 when I lost my virginity and I was a bit scared. It was fine. He was quite tender and it worked out OK. He was not the love of my life and maybe I slept with him because I just decided it was time.

Only agree to sex with someone you feel really comfortable with.

Go slow and maybe read up a bit about 'the first time'. There may be myths etc around this and people can be fearful for reasons not connected to reality.

When the time comes a warm bath or shower can make you feel more relaxed and receptive. If the person is someone you really care about they should take things slowly and be caring, if they are not able to do this, they are not the right one.

If you are really worried I would look into counselling to talk to someone who may be able to advise better.

I know people find it hard to believe in this day and age but I am a Christian and people I know from my social circle years ago, some would have been virgins when they married.Not everyone is having lots of sex all the time.

If this worries you, see if you can get some professional help.

There is nothing wrong with you, it is normal to find a new experience potentially scary. But I really hope all will be well.

heron98 · 25/02/2017 06:24

I was the same as you. I lost my virginity at 27. I found a bloke who was very patient and supportive and insisted I get help. I went to a psych sexual counsellor on the NHS I had to face my fears and use dilators of various sizes to get my body used to penetration. It wasn't the most fun but I learned to do it. I am still not a huge fan of sex but I am and to do it now and mostly enjoy it.

Long story short. The problem won't go away on its own and tackling it head on is the best way of resolving it.

Good luck

ShowMePotatoSalad · 25/02/2017 06:53

One thing that ensures it doesn't hurt is being sexually aroused. That's the main difference between inserting tampons or being examined - you're not sexually aroused so your muscles aren't relaxing and you haven't got the natural lubrication.

I've been having sex for years and there's no way I could just have DH just go inside me with no warm up or anything - yes, that would hurt. Foreplay is very important and that is part of what sets it apart from being different to the things you describe as painful.

Only have sex if you want to. Don't do it because you think it's "normal" to do it, or because you feel any kind of pressure. It's possible that you may be asexual. That's totally fine. It's more common than I realised.

Petalbird · 25/02/2017 07:06

Going against the grain here a bit but I was exactly the same I am still very tight down there when playing with myself but what help was was intended to be a one night stand cause it didn't matter so much if things didn't work it didn't matter what he thought and if it hurt too much I could throw him out but in the end it didn't hurt (much) compared to the enjoyment

flufffypillow · 25/02/2017 07:07

Good sex is worlds apart from examinations and even fingering yourself. A finger feels very different to a penis regardless of the difference in size, there should be no pain when you are aroused.

Foreplay is key. It gets you aroused and lubricated and ready for penetration. Though penetrative sex can take a back seat and you could explore other areas of sex first? Of course only when you are with a partner you trust and want to do it.

Gentle rubbing, stroking and patting sensitive areas like the clitoris can feel amazing, perhaps get yourself some lube and start there alone and work your way up!

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