To be terrified of sex?

[user1487980707]

I'm 25 and I've never had sex.

I'll be honest here; the thought of it scares me . I'm worried it will hurt mostly and I'm scared of having someone that close to me. The older I get the worse my fears seem to get.

I know this isn't normal but I have no idea what to do to fix this

Have you had an examination by a GP? I couldn't use tampons when I was a virgin and found attempts at sex agonising despite being with a very patient boyfriend , being aroused and using lots of lubrication etc. Turned out I needed a hymenectomy as my hymen was extra thick. Once I'd had that sex, smears and tampons we're all fine

Its a complete fallacy that everyone is getting their leg over four times a week from age 15.

You are not the oldest virgin, nor are you the only one in your town! I don't think it is that strange to be a virgin at 25.

People have different attitudes and feelings toward sexual intercourse I guess. I never viewed penetration as too big a deal, but I have still only received oral sex once - I've been married five years! It's not something I ever want to engage in. It may be that you are a sexual, it may be that you don't fancy penetration. Have you tried other things?

Is there a background to this fear that you know of? Do you remember when you first felt anxious about it.

I had a non consensual experience at 14, so when I lost my virginity properly at 18 I felt nervous, but honestly, the right boyfriend and I felt ok.

Only have sex if you want to. Don't do it because you think it's "normal" to do it, or because you feel any kind of pressure. It's possible that you may be asexual. That's totally fine. It's more common than I realised.

Couldn't agree more.

Is there an underlying reason?
I ask because I have such a hatred and fear of it, but it's because of my history of abuse. Sex has very few positive connotations to me. If there's a reason like that, nothing in the world will make sex easier or happier until you've addressed it- every time you try to force yourself it will be another bad experience to make it even more dreaded.

There is psychosexual counselling you can get, and a friend of mine has found that very helpful.

I would speak with your GP. This could be erotophobia. A referral to a psychologist could be useful in unpicking why you feel this way.

Firstly, I would have any physical conditions ruled out.

1. Do you experience sexual feelings (either in terms of enjoying masturbation or towards another person)? If not, that's percertly normal. You might be asexual. - I'm asexual, I masterbate, I do have a sex drive, I can get sexually arouse and I've even had sex (for all the wrong reasons and it's not something I wish to partake in any more). Asexuality just means you don't experience sexual attraction (although you can feel attracted to people in other ways).

Asexuality is a very broad spectrum, some asexuals are sex repulsed, others are not. Some are aromantic - as in they don't wish to have any kind of romantic relationship, others are married. There are a whole host of different 'labels' people fit into under the Asexual specturm, I won't list them here but if anyone thinks they may be asexual it's worth looking into and I suggest Aven as a good website to get started. I didn't even know what asexuality is until a few years back, I just thought there was something wrong with me!

The other thing I want to add is that even if your first time isn't particularly great, that doesn't mean you will never enjoy sex. There's a bit of cultural mythology about losing your virginity. I didn't particularly enjoy my first time, nor did I hate it - it felt rather like 'oh..was that all?'. Now in my late twenties I really enjoy sex.

I would be inclined to get a bottle of good lube (I like silicone but worth nothing that you can't use it directly on silicone toys) and see if liberal amounts of that make it less sore to insert a finger. Perhaps you're suffering from vulvodynia or vaginismus. Not that I'm the benchmark of normal, but I've never had discomfort from inserting a finger.

It's completely OK to take this at your own pace. You never have to have sex if you don't want to. (Also, yes, if your first time is underwhelming don't worry that all sex will be! But it definitely shouldn't be agony.)

I could have written your post OP when I was 23! I wanted sex and met lovely men but I always backed off as I was terrified it would hurt, and the older I got the more I was embarrassed to tell anyone. Everyone around me assumed I was a very sexual person. Then I met DP who I became close friends with first and felt so comfortable around him that I told him.. He was so understanding and patient. I bought a vaginismus book which came with vaginal dialators which I used on myself for a while and they taught me how to relax down there.. then we had sex at 9 months in. It was painful for a minute and then felt good.. it was worth the wait. Now 10 yrs in and two kids later! It was finding the right man that 'cured' me.