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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be hoping for a baby in this situ?

49 replies

Hopingforbaby2017 · 24/02/2017 17:40

Three bed house, two doubles and one single.
Child 1 is 15 (girl) in the bigger room. Doesn't want another silbling, not very sociable, spends all her time in the bedroom, will be doing GCSEs next year.

Child 2 is 8 (boy) is in the small single (there is space to swap his bed for a bunk). Would love another sibling, doesn't spent much time in the bedroom would love to share with sibling.

Really don't feel like I am "done", would love another child or actually 2 more (as the age gaps so big would want two close together to keep each other company).

But AIBU? At the moment the house is perfect for us, don't want to move child 1 into the smaller room or make her feel "pushed out"? Although she already talking of leaving home at 18 to go to college in a different city (not sure how feasible that is though).

The additional child could share with us for awhile until 2/3 I really don't mind. I am planning to only go back to work part time after so it will be difficult to buy a larger property on our reduced wages. We would be ok financially if we stayed in the current house though. Just the space/bedrooms issue!! And of course we don't know if we would have boy or girl.

What would you do? Forget the entire thing, be happy with the 2 kids we have. Or go for it and work it out somehow? Husband doesn't mind and says it's up to me.

OP posts:

specialsubject · 24/02/2017 17:48

Kids don't decide, you do.

But an eight year gap between room sharers? 4 years time you have a 3 and a bit year old with a 12 year old. And then it gets worse...

Doesn't sound a feasible choice.

Birdsgottaf1y · 24/02/2017 17:53

This won't become an issue for three years, at least and you don't know where your DD may be, so as said, it's your decision.

Original poster

Hopingforbaby2017 · 24/02/2017 17:53

Yes that's the thing unless the eldest moves out, which is not something I would want her to feel she had to do :(

OP posts:

ShowMePotatoSalad · 24/02/2017 17:59

Kids don't decide if you have another baby though? You have to do it because you want to. You don't make such a big decision based on your daughter not wanting to leave her big room.

Your husband saying it's up to you is a weird one. Does he want another kid or not? If he wasn't fully on board with the idea then I would be concerned by that.

You may need to think about moving to a bigger house if you want another child. Your daughter may well leave at 18 but would you want to provide space for her to be able to come back if she wanted to? Or a place for her to stay if she needs it? I personally wouldn't want a situation where there wasn't room for my adult child when she is still a teenager. Obviously when an adult child is fully set up and left home completely then that's a different matter.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 24/02/2017 18:00

Also wanting 2 more to keep each other company? Do you want the children or is this just for the siblings' sake? Your DD and DS don't sound like they keep each other company if DD1 is unsociable and spends most of her time alone in her room?

Original poster

Hopingforbaby2017 · 24/02/2017 18:09

Hi thank you for replies. When I say DD doesn't want another sibling and DS does, i don't mean they are making the decision. All I mean by that is that I gently broached a hypothetical question with them just to get their feelings on it so to speak!
Also my DD and DS adore each other and she does do a lot with him and DS looks up to her. We do have family days out etc, she is not locked in her room. Just prefers to be there to study, read, etc... my DS goes up to see her and hey do interact.

I just wanted to try and give an idea of their personalities.

I want 2 children, as based on experience my 7 year gap between current children, DS does get a bit lonely and they do have different interests. So if I had another child I would rather have 2, as I know the "future" child will be a bit lonely with older siblings.

And I do want 2 more ideally.

My hubby is keen on one more and I have explained to him that if we go for number 3, I will want a number 4. So he does know upfront. He loves kids and is up for another (maybe not so much set on a 4th as he is "we will see how it goes" person). Whereas I plan everything to a T.

Hope it's a bit clearer

OP posts:

harderandharder2breathe · 24/02/2017 18:14

Your children don't get to decide BUT you need to think carefully about whether you have room. If dc3 is a girl, it's likely DS may not want to share with her especially as he gets older and into teenage years. Even if DC3 is a boy, 9/10 years is a big age gap to share a room. And if DD1 does go to college on another city, uni holidays are long, while she doesn't need a full room all the time to herself, it would be awkward for her to share with either a preteen/teen brother or a pre schooler.

Original poster

Hopingforbaby2017 · 24/02/2017 18:15

I think realistically I do know that IABU... and we need to either forget it or move to bigger house (which means higher mortgage)

OP posts:

wobblywonderwoman · 24/02/2017 18:18

I don't know.. The age gaps are big but you know if you want them, go for it. Older daughter likely to go to uni by the time baby will need a bedroom.

Shakey15000 · 24/02/2017 18:21

Any scope for loft conversion?

Aderyn2016 · 24/02/2017 18:24

You could, in theory give dd the small room when she comes home from uni for holidays and let ds share the big room with the baby. If baby is a girl you could maybe divide the big room.

But if dd is planning uni, you will be expected to financially contribute. You may not be aware of this since she is only just at gcse stage, but I have one at uni and it is expensive. Can you reasonably afford to help support her and one or two more dc? One, you could squeeze into the existing house but 2 will need a bigger house. That is a lot of expense you are saddling yourself with.

I dont think it is entirely fair to make choices which will negatively impact on your existing kids.

Notso · 24/02/2017 18:36

I wouldn't consider it unless you can move or convert a loft, cellar, garage.
Even if your DD has plans to go to uni now that may change, even if she does she and you will want her to be able to come home and there is a possibility she might want or need to come home after her course finishes.
Also my DD has really needed a lot of support going through GCSEs and a now A levels. It has been hard giving her that time and parenting our 12,6 and 4 year olds, I think almost impossible with a newborn or a difficult pregnancy, my third was awful then I was pg again when he was 7 months.

welshmist · 24/02/2017 18:39

As someone said, loft conversion, or a two storied extension to give you more room downstairs, for all the blooming toys you will end up with oh perhaps a sofa bed, and a new bedroom upstairs.

Trills · 24/02/2017 18:44

18 year olds who go to university actually spend a lot of time back at parents' houses. They still need a bed, and a place to store their stuff.

Headofthehive55 · 24/02/2017 18:47

Uni terms are short and they live at home for almost as long as away. They bring all their stuff back too which causes a few storage issues!
i have a large age gap, it does have pros, but the cons are that family days out are more limited, as few things suit all ages.
We also have a uni child sharing with a preteen, which doesn't work well, but neither is it a disaster. The older one is very tolerant though.

Chocolatecake12 · 24/02/2017 18:50

Could you potentially extend your home somehow? Less expensive than moving.
Or could you and dh fit into the smaller room and then divide your room into two?

KindergartenKop · 24/02/2017 18:52

I'd suggest getting a dog!

TheTartOfAsgard · 24/02/2017 18:54

I'm in a 3 bed semi with dd13 and ds12, and I'm 25 weeks with a ds.

I'm giving up my room for the baby and will sleep on a sofa bed downstairs until we can afford a bigger place.

Jenniferb21 · 24/02/2017 18:54

I'd just have a baby and have her/him in my room until they are a toddler. Who knows what the next few years will bring. Is your eldest likely to go to uni? If it's a boy they could room share. It really isn't something I'd worry about too much and put me off having another baby if that's what I really wanted

Remember there was a time when families had to share 1 room. My grandma was 1 of 7 she shared a bedroom with all 6 of her sisters! (her dad kept going til they got a boy he gave up at 7 lol)

Good luck xxxx

Nquartz · 24/02/2017 18:59

Even if your DD does go to uni she will need somewhere to sleep in the (long) holidays and weekends if she visits. My mum kept a room for me at her house until I bought my own house because she always wanted me to feel welcome

Floggingmolly · 24/02/2017 19:01

I wouldn't... I never understand the notion that children planning on university will be gone from the house, totally self sufficient and never to return from the moment they turn 18.
I also can't understand planning more children that you can only actually accommodate if one of your existing children moves out.

Witchend · 24/02/2017 19:12

Going to college is not the same as leaving home. if you have a baby now planning on taking her room at 18yo when she goes to college that's really going to make her feel wanted isn't it?

I'd also say I could see my 9yo saying he'd happily share with a new baby. He likes the idea of another and has done for some time.
I don't think he'd really like the reality and I'm certain that aged 11yo he would be horrified to have to share with a toddler-and that's assuming baby is a boy.

0SometimesIWonder · 24/02/2017 19:18

Agree with Jenniferb21
My dad slept in the kitchen when he was growing up; one bedroom which his sisters had, and his mum and dad slept in the front parlour.

My only regret in my life is that I didn't have more children; we stopped at two because we were broke. With hindsight, people always manage somehow.

Floggingmolly · 24/02/2017 19:23

You would not be doing your children any favours if your idea of "managing" involves of one of them having to sleep in the kitchen. Seriously??

Sung · 24/02/2017 19:30

I would leave it at two - definitely not suggesting that is what you should do though!

I like to live life in comfortable street and would worry about providing for 3+ children long term (uni/college + house deposit - not things I needed help with back in the nineties but things are so different now), as well as the space issue.

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