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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd sending stupid texts

29 replies

thunderbuddy · 23/02/2017 00:25

Sigh

I was using dds phone to watch a vlog on youtube as she has unlimited data and her messages popped up asking her to stop texting someone and that it wasn't the person she thought it was.

DD has some additional needs and is fairly immature for her age (just 14) and has form for adding and talking to people she doesn't know in the past so alarm bells rang.

I checked her messages and she has been texting two boys from school after someone gave her their numbers, she's just basically been sending daft messages, just sometimes gobbledegook or daft stuff about a girl who likes him. Both boys asked her to stop texting but she didn't, one threatened to report her at school and the other said stop texting him and he was blocking her.

I'm not impressed tbh that she carried on texting after they said stop.

Do I admit I snooped?

OP posts:
BillyButtfuck · 23/02/2017 00:29

If the messages genuinely just popped up then just say you saw that message and ask what it's about. If you secretly just snooped then you have to fess up!
I'm sorry though it sounds like a tough situation for you and DD, you have to be so careful these days with who you contact or approach online.
Maybe talk to the school and see if they can run an extra assembly or an extra seminar on internet safety and mobile phones?

anyname123 · 23/02/2017 00:34

Don't worry about the snooping bit, she is a child, you're an adult who is paying the phone bill, you're allowed to look. Most people I know with DD''s are completely open and look through the phones every few days to see what's going on. Your DD''s additional needs would prompt more checks from me.
If she keep sending daft and unwanted texts this could lead to her being bullied, nip it in the bud now op.

DioneTheDiabolist · 23/02/2017 00:35

She is a child. You as her parent (and I assume, bill payer) have the responsibility to check how she is using her phone. At the moment, she is using it inappropriately and not respecting people's boundaries. It's time for you to teach her to do so before she gets into trouble with her peers,the school, authorities or anyone else.

user1477282676 · 23/02/2017 00:39

Because she has additional needs it's important you keep an eye on her phone. She could be considered very vulnerable...if she did this with the wrong type of boy she might get humiliated or taken advantage of.

Talk to her about boundaries and explain that you won't let her have a phone unless she stops this sort of thing.

Explain who it's ok to text again and explain about the rules of texting.

Original poster
thunderbuddy · 23/02/2017 00:40

Not the bill payer, she pays for it from pocket money.

Its the first time she has had friends this year tbh because her social skills are crap. Her friends have a group on snap chat and send each other crap like this all the time I've seen it. But these boys aren't in that group and asked her to stop and leave them alone and she didn't. I am more bothered about that than the content of the actual messages if that makes sense. She will get herself in trouble.

OP posts:
BettyBaggins · 23/02/2017 00:56

If she keep sending daft and unwanted texts this could lead to her being bullied, nip it in the bud now op. This would be my immediate concern.

DioneTheDiabolist · 23/02/2017 00:59

Yes OP, she will get herself in trouble if you don't intervene and parent her. Pocket money is a privilege, not a right. Teaching our DCs to be safe on social media is one of our responsibilities.

Nanny0gg · 23/02/2017 01:09

If she's immature for her age you should be keeping a very watchful eye on her phone and remove it if she doesn't follow your usage rules.

You need a sit-down chat about it asap.

mellowfartfulness · 23/02/2017 01:10

You do need to step in. She's not getting the importance of this boundary, which isn't fair on the people she's texting and is going to have social repercussions for her. Of course you want to give them as much independence and trust as you realistically can - but in this case it's clear you can't leave her to it, she's not managing well. A rule about allowing phone checks and a good chat or several about how stop really means stop.

Original poster
thunderbuddy · 23/02/2017 01:12

Pocket money isn't given by me.

She's already faced a lengthy internet ban after doing something dangerously stupid at one of her fri friends house on the internet a couple of years ago. (home internet was monitored here and computer in the living room but her friends Mum clearly allowed them on anything)

She faced a massive rollocking on the danger she could have put herself into and banned from anything not school related on the computer.

I still monitor her Facebook and social media which have been sensibly used. I check Snapchat occasionally and it has been rammed in not to send photos and to screenshot anything nasty.

Hence I thought I could allow her some trust again.

Obviously not!

She needs her phone as she is getting two buses each way on a non school service.

Is it possible to set up so she can only text certain numbers?

OP posts:
user1477282676 · 23/02/2017 01:16

There are apps where you can basically see every text she sends. THey get sent to your phone or computer. I'd do that in your shoes. I'm sure you could block the boys numbers from being accessible but that's not going to teach her not to do it again. I'd be minitoring every text sent if I were you....then you can understand what her patterns are etc.

Graphista · 23/02/2017 01:21

Has she ever had a problem travelling to/from school? Does she travel with friends who's phone she could use in an emergency?

Because honestly if she's not able to use it responsibly she's not old enough to have it.

You can block outgoing texts (how depends on which phone and os) but that's not really the answer because

A it's really a parenting issue

B there's SO many messaging apps she could use to bypass blocks.

Original poster
thunderbuddy · 23/02/2017 01:23

Thanks will look into that.

When her current top up runs out next week she will only be able to text those on the same network free so that should cut most of her ability to text if I stop further top up while I work a way round her needing her phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
thunderbuddy · 23/02/2017 01:27

Her school has a large catchment so she is the only one who comes this way. Dc2 at a different school.

Both buses she gets are public buses rather than school buses and we frequently have problems with them.

I can swap her to a 'brick' phone but she would still be able to text.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 23/02/2017 01:35

OP, it doesn't matter who is giving her pocket money. She is using it in an inappropriate and potentially, very damaging manner. Teach her. Tell her why what she is doing is wrong. You taught her well before with the social media.. It's time to teach her about texts, calls, respecting others and keeping herself safe wrt her phone. If she is incapable of learning this, by all means try to source a phone that can only be used to contact family members.

TinselTwins · 23/02/2017 01:48

I have a PAYG phone whereby you can buy bundles, so if there is only £5 credit and you use that credit to buy a £5 call package, you then cannot text.

It would only work if she doesn't have her pocket money with her on the bus though

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 23/02/2017 01:50

you can buy phones where the numbers are programmed in - sometimes used for older people as well for very young children. They seem expensive and not teen cool!

This was one i tested for mumsnet some years ago.

www.myownfone.com/

Original poster
thunderbuddy · 23/02/2017 01:53

Thanks.

Sorry I'm just a bit thrown. I've spent so much time trying to ram through internet and phone safety till im blue in the face and i honestly though we had got past all this shit. She's been so sensible for the past 12 months and then she bollocks it up again.

So frustrating.

OP posts:
Original poster
thunderbuddy · 23/02/2017 01:55

Xpost thanks child.
If I cannot trust her then that is what she is going to have to have.

Big conversations in the morning! Again!

OP posts:
blankmind · 23/02/2017 01:57

As she has additional needs and problems socialising, a rough rule of thumb is to think of her emotional age as being two thirds of her actual age and supervise her communications as you would for a 9 or 10 year old.

DioneTheDiabolist · 23/02/2017 02:02

Yes, it is, but teaching children is not an easy linear process. Particularly children with additional needs. You have to go over it again and again and again. And then some more.

You did a good job before. You can do it again. Your DD needs you to do it again. Good luck OP.ThanksSmile

EveOnline2016 · 23/02/2017 02:04

I know the is OT, but could you apply to the LEA for a taxi to and from school.

That way she will not need a phone.

It's threads like this I wonder how our parents managed without us having mobile phones.

Original poster
thunderbuddy · 23/02/2017 02:09

In fairness dc2 would manage fine without a phone as if there was a problem or emergency with the bus he would be able to work out how to get to somewhere he could get a different bus home and think well if I could get to x place then I can get to y etc.

DD can't do that. She just panics.

DD

OP posts:
Original poster
thunderbuddy · 23/02/2017 02:09

Possibly Eve. Will look into it.

OP posts:
chitofftheshovel · 23/02/2017 03:33

TBH if she is using social media in a responsible manner (accessible to the world) I would let these relatively innocent texts slide.

The natural consequence of her going over the boundaries with these boys will have much more oomph than you giving her a lecture. The consequence being she will actually be blocked/reported.

I guess you can explain, reiterate etc boundaries in communication with others but a third party may be listened to more. Bloody modern technology!

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