To be pissed off at dh

[hmmmInteresting]

I never ask dh to do any housework whatsoever, or any cooking. I'm a sahm so I just figured I did all these things as he works and earns all the money. Tonight I asked him if he'd do the washing up while I took kids to bed, he said ok. So I got the kids drinks and said "do you mind doing the washing up then" and I get "yeah just stop going on at me". I just knew he was funny about it.

I've took the kids to bed and read them stories and he's still not done it. Sat there on his phone.

mountain your OH has you well trained.

Keeping the bills in your name while you have no independent income, and being behind on them to boot, is financial abuse. It will suit him that you are also isolated and very far from home.

OP, you know those couples your grandparents' age where the man is a foul, cantankerous, entitled prick who thinks everything revolves around him, the woman is a beaten down shell who constantly makes excuses for him and the adult kids can't stand either of them? That's your future with this dickhead. Find a way to see a solicitor, someone will be along with practical advice soon. 23! You can train and change careers four times in your working life, and there's lots of help for mothers who are training. Don't waste your life on this colossal bell end.

No one should be sitting on their arse while you are putting the kids to bed. If he doesn't want to wash up, perhaps he could do bedtime. He is home so being an SAHM doesn't count in this instance.

You know what I'd do. Id put all his clothes in pile in the bedroom just push them in a corner out of sight and when he says he has no clothes just say okay well were did you last put them

But seriously this seems like a terrible case of 'king of the castle'. You deserve a break too. As a mother who now works 38 hrs a day but spent the first 2 years being a SAHM Whilst doing a degree I can tell you the working bit is a doddle compared . I feel like it's a break when Im at work haha

He needs to learn to put his clothes in the wash basket and wash up ALL the pots. Its a way that some men get what they want they'll do it wrong or not properly for so long you give up and do it yourself. DO NOT DO THIS
be strong. You're a confident independent woman and you don't need to look after another child you need a partner . Someone who gets home from work and helps with the kids whilst you cook tea or helps bath the kids and then cooks tea whilst you put the kids to bed. I hope you get the respect you deserve super mummy

tbh I agree with him about the thank you piece, you don't need thanked for making tea. long time ago someone said that to me, not my current partner and I went through the roof - I paid for everything - our rent, leccy, gas, council tax etc. and they want thanks for making my tea - they were lucky they weren't wearing my tea. I didn't get thanked once for keeping a roof over our head fucked if I'm going to thank someone for making tea. at the time I was working and my DP at the time was a student, we had no kids.

disagree completely about the washing up and the picking up of clothes etc. when you said he didn't even eat when you last had words - I would be having words with him every night that way he can fuck off and eat elsewhere.

when I say "disagree completely about the washing up and the picking up of clothes etc" I mean you shouldn't be doing all this, he should be doing 50% of the work in the house.

Ive read a lot more of the comments from you and I do feel he's taking advantage. I work with single mummy's who work and who don't work and trust me the income can sometimes be better so if thats a concern I wouldn't worry . I know without my OH I would have a hell of a lot more money. I think you've just got to figure out if your happy

Thank you marvelmummy

I know if he wasn't here I'd manage to keep on top of bills if I was claiming benefits. It's just always asking him, I feel like I'm pestering and he just begrudges it. Before we had our second I was working and I had catalogues which I always kept on top on, now I can't pay them even though he was ordering stuff out of their too.

Peggy I understand I'm not expecting to be thanked all the time, he just has no manners, and admits it. When someone asks if I would like sugar in my tea I automatically say yes please, I'd feel strange not adding the please. He just goes "yeah" and it bugs me. I get this is just minor.

Pooryorick Yes so if he was to ever leave I'd be the one left in the shit basically. Thank you for your posts they've helped me a lot!

Purplebluebird that is abuse on a really high level.
You need to start your own thread and get some support.
For now though call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247

OP - 23!!!! You are so so young.
This will be your life forever if you stay with him without any changes.
Look up 'stonewalling abuse'
As already said, get an understanding of where you would be should you leave.
Housing benefits, tax credits, maintenance, etc....
I think you'll find you'll be much better off without him.

Oh dear, didn't mean to derail the thread, sorry!
My other half has behaved mostly normally for the last 1,5 years, but I still don't quite trust him, so I never confront him about stuff, just in case.

We want to move to a city once I hopefully get a job (I have major MH issues so might not be able to work full time), and then once we get there I can reassess and maybe leave then. I can't work until April anyway, because of child care hours, but it's not far off! I do not feel in danger in any way at the moment, but might do when I leave, not sure.

What will you do OP?

And we have 1 child, he's almost 3.

You need a plan:

on the list for me would be:

• learn to drive
• get yourself back in the job market and/or look at courses and training
• start building up a littlepot of money
• see what you'd be entitled to as a lone parent
• leave this utter wanker

Not necessarily in that order

entitledto.com is a good place to start

I'm not sure purple.

He's come home tonight, I mentioned he didn't finish the washing up ha, and after tea he washed up.

But now we've barely spoken and there is obviously a problem I can feel it.

When I was on ml I was doing everything at home and it drove me up the wall as it meant I didn't ever finish work till about ten.
IMO once both parties are home work from then on should be shared e.g. Tidying up after dinner

If you can 'feel' when there's a problem, God help you. Please, please get out.

There was a problem long before this. You need to withdraw. Pity your father in law didn't.

This is no life OP. He sounds like a useless twat. You are so young. You can do so much better.

I'm a SAHM. DH works full time. He gets the DCs breakfast in the morning, he does the dishes every day. Bins once or twice a week, takes DCs to a couple of activites, does their showers a couple times a week, does all the shopping except the freezer shop, always puts his washing in the basket and sometimes irons his work shirts. I do the cooking, cleaning, washing, mostly the ironing, tidying, household admin, all school runs and associated organising that comes with having DCs. I also plan and manage every part of our lives and make every decision (which can bloody grate on me sometimes).

Me expecting DH to do what he does in the home is not too much to ask. Your DH could do a lot more. He can't even sort the bills ffs. There is literally no point to him.

I feel really sorry for you OP but you're the only one that can make a change here. You can't change him and you can't expect things to change if you keep doing the same thing.

Well it's all came out this morning. After another night of near enough silence.

We were arguing about numerous things and he starts saying I need to change. I am always in the wrong.

I said to him I do everything in this house, and you leave your shit everywhere, you've left your work trousers in the hall for days, and he goes "why not pick them up and wash them then"

He carries on by saying I've had enough of this I'm moving out, you need to change, I said well if your moving out you can JOG THE FUCK ON. Because I couldn't give a shit anymore.

I could see by his face he knew I was serious, he sits there for a bit and starts saying he can't live like this, I need to change etc. I said to him you really need to listen to yourself and the things you say.

The thing is it's not just about him being a lazy shit and not paying bills, I'm not sure weather I should or do trust him either, and he plays on that a lot.

He left before saying I don't want to have to leave it's a real shame, but I cannot live like this you really need to have a long hard think about yourself.

Constantly feel like I'm questioning myself, well is it me? Am I hard work? Am I mental?

Once you get completely away from him you'll know for sure you've done the right thing. And he'll be in a state of shock wondering how on earth he lost control of you. Stay strong.

You would be mental to stay in a relationship with a man who has no respect for you, financially abuses you, expects you to pick up after him (filthy pig), whom you don't trust and whose only solution to your relationship is that you need to change.

One good thing about having had your kids young is that you'll still be young when they're mostly independent.

How on earth did he ever wangle getting your name on the bills when you're a SAHM?

Constantly feel like I'm questioning myself, well is it me? Am I hard work? Am I mental?

No it's not you. If he is too stubborn to ever admit that he's causing a lot of these issues, then you're fighting a losing battle. Have you been with him since you were very young? Sometimes the fear of the unknown keeps us in bad relationships for far longer than we should(I've done it).

You are not hard work or mental. He WANTS you questioning yourself.

Stand firm. Tell him to jog on again. You are not his maid. You are not his mother. You are his equal. And you will not be treated as anything but.

Frankly, I think you'd be better off without him, and I think he knows it, too. Don't let him make it about you. This is about his crappy attitude and behaviour.

Op I was you. I was with my ex from 16 until I was 28. He abused me financially, emotionally and physically for all those years. I had 2 babies int hat time. He spent our kids food money on drugs. He made us go hungry. The kids had no clothes. He used to shout if they had toys out. The kids were terrified of playing with toys in case their dad would start shouting.
Ex made every occasion about himself. Every birthday I had with him was spent in tears running around after him begging him not to hurt me or upset me anymore. The day my mother died he stayed off work and did drugs while screaming at me.
I was not allowed to have friends and I had no clothes and barely had food for myself as all money he had was spent on drugs and all money I had I spent on food for the kids. We had barely £20 a week for food for us three while he had £120 a week for himself. I stayed with him because he told me I was mental. He even pretended he had stopped drugs and I was imaginging it. I actually booked an appointment to ask my gp to have me sectioned as my ex made me believe I really was mad. He laughed about me being so gullible and beat me.
I eventually snapped and told him to go. I spent 13 years being tormented on a daily basis. I even found out I had a heart condition in that time. He still treated me like crap even when I could barely get out of bed and spent all my time in hospital.
This was all over 6 years ago. The kids have adjusted brilliantly and don't have much of a relationship with him anymore as he is still a bully. They are now nearly 16 and nearly 18. They both still love me and barely tolerate their father.
I have a new partner who treats me so well. I have had a breakdown while with him and he looked after me. He cooks dinner and looks after my boys , not just when I'm ill but all the time. I thought my life was over before I left my ex. I dreamt of killing myself every day while with him.
After I left I slowly rebuilt my life and I am still getting there. You are so young and have so much life ahead of you. Any man that loves you wont make you question your sanity. They would be by your side and make you feel good about yourself. You deserve much much better and your kids do too. Leaving is not nearly as scary as staying living like this.