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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who is being unreasonable re childcare issues?

117 replies

Purplehonesty · 22/02/2017 17:08

My sister and I share school pick ups and drop offs.
She is currently living with us since moving countries - has been for 8 months.
She usually picks up her dd and occasionally my dc but not very often.
I take all the kids to school every day and look after them in the holidays as I work in a school.
My role came to an end last week and I was lucky to get another - but it starts earlier.
I've asked her to try and change her part time hours so that she can drop the kids off and I will pick them up (i.e. A swap) she would start work half an hour later.
She doesn't want to. Doesn't see why she should as it's my job that's changed so I should have to sort it out. That's true enough, it is me who has changed.
For background she lives here rent free, i babysit her dd every time she goes out and look after her every holiday and a day most weekends.
She will be moving soon to her own house but I will still do the holiday care and school pick ups.

I feel so unappreciated and like she is peeing all over my generosity.
But as far as she is concerned it's my problem and she feels hard done by.
Living arrangements are now most awkward as she will hardly speak to me. Trying hard to keep the peace and be friendly but it's not being reciprocated.

Sad
OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 24/02/2017 05:48

I also think it would be good to tell her you want to do things with your children this holiday which doesn't include her dd. So she needs to find childcare. If you get any backlash from the enabling aunts and uncles, thry can help out instead.

Well done on standing firm. Each time it will be easier for you. You don't have to explain yourself. ' no that doesn't work for me' will suffice.

Purplehonesty · 24/02/2017 08:23

Still the same sour face today. Barely speaking
Coming in for her dinner and going out again straight after.
No help or offer of money for shopping

I'm going to have to ask her again tonight to pay up for food.

Why doesn't a grown adult realise that it is costing me to keep her and offer money? It's so alien to me.

We lived with my aunt for a time while our house was being done up and we paid her a standing order weekly, paid for all the grocery shopping, cooked all the meals, cleaned etc etc
We were so grateful and didn't want to be a burden.

But from that experience I also know that it's difficult to live in someone else's home. We were desperate to get into our own place and so I know she will be too.

OP posts:
Astro55 · 24/02/2017 09:27

Where's her DD in all this? Are you looking after her or is she going out with mum?

SomethingBorrowed · 24/02/2017 09:59

Stop feeding her dinner, then. Don't put a plate for her on the table. When she turns up tell her that you thought she wanted to sort hers out herself as she made it clear she didn't wanted to contribute (money wise or by cooking). If she says she has nothing to eat, just tell her it will be £x for her contribution then and have her give you the money before eating.

I am sorry be she is treating you like shit and you are allowing her to.
Your house is not a hotel! And even in a hotel you have to pay for room and food.

notinagreatplace · 24/02/2017 10:01

Does she ever babysit for you so that you and your DH can go out?

As everyone else has said, she is taking the piss completely.

Berthatydfil · 24/02/2017 10:08

Of course she's not going to offer to pay for food if you keep putting a plate on tha table anyway- why should she?
Stop feeding her, change your wifi password, don't do any of her laundry.
It's probably far too late as she has built up a huge attitude of entitlement so she will more than likely resent you. But she's treating you like shit anyway - so what have you got to lose. You might gain a bit of backbone and self respect. ?

ImperialBlether · 24/02/2017 10:08

Isn't this something your husband should be getting involved with? She feels she can treat you badly, but how can she justify doing the same to him? Why can't he say, "Right, SIL, the food shopping cost £100 this week, so can you let me have £X now, please?" And stand there waiting. Take her to the cashpoint if need be! And he could also join in regarding her attitude - "Excuse me, are you seriously thinking you can stay here and behave like that?" and with childcare "So it's all one way, is it? You're not helping us but you want us to help you?"

She will take it much more seriously if he approaches her.

ineedwine99 · 24/02/2017 10:09

Your not a mug your a very considerate caring person who is being taken advantage of. I would start charging her rent and childcare, she's disrespecting you and your husband and is very selfish not to do a shift change to help you out after all you've done for her. Breakfast club for your children and let her sort herself out

SomethingBorrowed · 24/02/2017 10:17

oh yes, good idea, change your wifi password!

GabsAlot · 24/02/2017 11:01

feeling awkward shouldnt mean not offering to pay someone for helping them out

shes a spoilt brat

arethereanyleftatall · 24/02/2017 12:59

How can she possibly think what she is doing is reasonable?

How about if you did to her what she is doing to you? So, next time she walks in the door, say 'see you, I'm off out (with dh too if he's there)' so, she has to stay in and sort all the dc. It probably seems unthinkable to you to do that, but she's doing it to yo all the time.

There's being nice, then there's being a doormat, you are way over in to the doormat zone.

Purplehonesty · 24/02/2017 16:08

Progress today!
She changed her hours today after I made it clear it was breakfast club or nothing.

My dh has spoken to her already and is going to ask her for shopping money tonight.

She babysit twice for us but complains that she can't manage all the kids. That they misbehave and won't listen to her.

So I don't ask her now as I don't enjoy myself worrying about the fallout when I get home.

Sometimes dd goes with her, sometimes prefers to stay here with us.

I'll have another word with her tomorrow if the attitude doesn't improve as I am not prepared to put up with it any longer
.
Thanks for everyone who has posted and given me a kick up the ass to deal with it.

I might ask for this to be deleted now as I would hate for her to come across it and then world war 3 to start!

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 24/02/2017 18:15

If she did come across it, she should be embarrassed and ashamed of herself, not angry with you. The thread tells it like it is.

No one will know who she is IRL.

QuiteLikely5 · 24/02/2017 18:26

Op

Glad she took some responsibility for herself!

Sadly if you do not challenge her behaviour then you are her enabler. Your relationship should not depend upon what she can get from you and if it does then I'm afraid you're on the road to hell with her.

Definitely get your dh to ask for food money. 8 months is a long time for a Free ride

NoFucksImAQueen · 28/02/2017 13:46

Yeah if she came across it she wouldn't have a leg to stand on. You have said nothing horrible about her just asked advice. She is the one who should be ashamed.
Hope things are still improving

Starlight2345 · 28/02/2017 18:23

Can I say if she did come across this thread you come across as someone who is bending over backwards and trying to understand her point of view.. I think once she moves out you knock the babysitting on the head and do say no now sometimes at least. She is thoughtless in a way because she has never had to thinkg..She can go out because she has childcare on tap, can spend money because you will be her fall back.. There is nothing wrong with helping family in need but there is also helping when not needed/

TheZeppo · 03/03/2017 20:50

Any update? I'm curious to know if she changed her piss-taking ways!

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