Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable re childcare issues?

117 replies

Purplehonesty · 22/02/2017 17:08

My sister and I share school pick ups and drop offs.
She is currently living with us since moving countries - has been for 8 months.
She usually picks up her dd and occasionally my dc but not very often.
I take all the kids to school every day and look after them in the holidays as I work in a school.
My role came to an end last week and I was lucky to get another - but it starts earlier.
I've asked her to try and change her part time hours so that she can drop the kids off and I will pick them up (i.e. A swap) she would start work half an hour later.
She doesn't want to. Doesn't see why she should as it's my job that's changed so I should have to sort it out. That's true enough, it is me who has changed.
For background she lives here rent free, i babysit her dd every time she goes out and look after her every holiday and a day most weekends.
She will be moving soon to her own house but I will still do the holiday care and school pick ups.

I feel so unappreciated and like she is peeing all over my generosity.
But as far as she is concerned it's my problem and she feels hard done by.
Living arrangements are now most awkward as she will hardly speak to me. Trying hard to keep the peace and be friendly but it's not being reciprocated.

Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
Purplehonesty · 22/02/2017 18:20

No I've never seen this side of her before.

She talked about how great it would be how we would help each other out and I believed her.

We've just had dn for three days of half term while she worked. She came home, went out again without a word. Not even thank you for having her for three days.

Didn't offer any money for the cinema trip or soft play we went to :(

I can see it now but genuinely didn't before

OP posts:
TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 22/02/2017 18:26

Using your own OP, you need to tell her straight "you live here rent free, i babysit your dd every time you go out and look after her every holiday and a day most weekends. After you move out, I will still do the holiday care and school pick ups. I feel so unappreciated and like you are peeing all over my generosity."

If you have already said this to her, what was her response?

KarmaNoMore · 22/02/2017 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Purplehonesty · 22/02/2017 18:27

I have said words to that effect

She said I am very grateful. But you changed jobs and I'm the one being forced to change my hours.

It's not my doing

That was how that conversation went.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 22/02/2017 18:28

Air B'nB can be a good option for short term rental, though often pricey. But kicking her out is a pretty nuclear option. Chances of it being the best way to recover your friendship with your sister seem slim.

Have you tried sitting down with her and discussing all the things you're currently doing and asking her if this is why she moved here? So that you could provide free childcare without her reciprocating? Because if you were both excited about her moving, surely there was a more equal vision you shared at some point? I think you need to let her see how hurt you are by her behaviour. Failing that, perhaps if he's willing have your DH play the bad guy? He could sit her (or her partner if she has one who's also there) down and tell her that he isn't prepared to see you taken advantage of and lay out for her exactly how much you are both providing for her.

I also think you need to ask her directly to start covering some costs. So if you do provide childcare, tell her in advance that you're taking them to the cinema etc. and that she'll need to give you the money. And ask her when she's going to child in for the bills as she had agreed to.

She's probably found the move quite hard but isn't handling it well, turning her resentment at the effort she has to put in on to you instead of accepting it's going to be difficult for a few years and acknowledging how much you are doing. Don't just let that sit, because it won't necessarily just disappear when she moves into her own place.

BoomBoomsCousin · 22/02/2017 18:29

*chip in for the bills, not child in for the bills!

GabsAlot · 22/02/2017 18:33

sorry but shes shown her true colours

waltzing in and out with no thankyou after you looked after dn for three days?

stop worrying about what other people think u said theres no family close by so they can think how they please whereever they are

EdSheeranswife · 22/02/2017 18:37

Come on op you said you needed to grow a pair, well do it! She a royal piss taker! Next time you see her inform her that the child care you do, is no longer available!

ChuckSnowballs · 22/02/2017 18:41

Doesn't see why she should as it's my job that's changed so I should have to sort it out. That's true enough, it is me who has changed.

Doesn't your job pay her rent though?

You really need to point this out to her.

ChuckSnowballs · 22/02/2017 18:42

Tell her you have solved the problem. You will give up work entirely and she pays her rent plus the back rent and babysitting fees that she owes you. Win-win.

KarmaNoMore · 22/02/2017 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChuckSnowballs · 22/02/2017 18:43

And thank her for putting the idea in your head, you really hadn't thought of it that way until today.

waterrat · 22/02/2017 18:46

Op, you need to write down what you want to say to her - then calmly say - or email? If easier - that you have to live your life and take the jobs you want to - that you understand if she doesn't want to ask her work for changes, but in return you will have to look for childcare of your own.

Say calmly - I know you wouldn't expect me to keep the wrong job simply because it didn't work for your childcare.

Tell her - HONESTLY - (now is the time) that you love having her and you hope she appreciates that you do a lot for her and that whlie you love it you are hurt that she is being so unpleasant (or more diplomatic word)

You have to be honest surely or this is going to burn inside you?!

TheZeppo · 22/02/2017 18:49

I'm getting crosser and crosser by this.

Put your bloody foot down woman!

Whocansay · 22/02/2017 18:54

You need to explain to her in words of one syllable that she's taking the piss. Make it clear what she's taking from you, whilst giving nothing back.

I would just go with the breakfast club option and tell her to sort her own childcare out from now on. You want to be kind to her DD, but she clearly doesn't give a shit about you or your kids.

Uberfluffs · 22/02/2017 18:54

You can carry on doing childcare but write out exactly how much she owes each month (base it on local childminder rates) for you taking care of her children. We pay about £50 a day per child around here for whole days, entrance fees and lunches on top (London). Mornings and afternoons at the childminder at about £5/hr/child.

Then work out how much you owe vs. how much she owes and at the end of the month she can pay you the difference. By the sound of it, even with you having two there should be a considerable difference. Maybe let her know that it'll be a bit less per hour because you're family, but firmly let her know also that she's welcome to go elsewhere if she feels she has to for her childcare.

I can tell you that whatever Mum she's got her eye on to take her DD in every day is going to either be looking for something reciprocal soon or be getting really fed up, so hopefully she'll get the message when she gets the boot!

It might help her to help you in the mornings if she has an incentive (ie having to pay you less).

I'd get on the whole bills thing too, that sounds totally unfair since she's working and earning but living rent free!

Original poster
Purplehonesty · 22/02/2017 18:55

Waterrat thank you !

That's exactly what I need to say, you have read my mind entirely and it's a nice calm way to say it.

I do love her and her daughter but I am hurt and I don't want to wreck things
I do feel she is taking advantage and yes I think she is unsettled here. It's hard living in someone else house too. Their routines and ways of doing things and it's not home.

I love the comment about my job paying her rent I had not thought about that at all!

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 22/02/2017 18:55

She's your sister. You don't need to be polite!

Original poster
Purplehonesty · 22/02/2017 18:57

I think I will say what water rat said

And

I had to get a new job, mine finished and if I didn't get a job you would be homeless! It's not ideal because if the hours but it is the only thing I have asked of you in a whole year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplehonesty · 22/02/2017 19:00

Zeppo I know. I am going to.

My heart was pounding so hard I could hear it in my head last night - she made me so angry and it took all I had not to tell her to sling her hook.

I have a fiery temper normally and I wouldn't let people usually walk all over me. I'm just trying to keep things civil for our living arrangements.

OP posts:
honeylulu · 22/02/2017 19:00

I'd got as far as the bit in your OP when you said she always collects her daughter from school but only occasionally collects your kids, before deciding she was a pisstaker!
What a grabby cow! You are a saint OP.

You mention that if you tell her she's in her own (fair enough in my view) you'll be rendered the black sheep of the family (by your mum I presume). Has there always been a golden child/scapegoat relationship going on?
My sister is a bit like this and my parents fawn over her and think everyone should help her out because she is special in some unidentified way (even though she's capable, just rather "woe is me"). Ain't no body got time for that... (I am insensitive according to my folks.)

Astro55 · 22/02/2017 19:00

I'd agree - she's being selfish - did she ask you to have DN or just go out?

Why would she not collect your DC after school? Seems like a really crap relationship to me!

gamerwidow · 22/02/2017 19:03

She is a user and she has no interest in maintaining your relationship beyond what suits her. My sister is the same I spent years bending over backwards to accommodate her and not have bad feeling between us. Then something snapped and I stopped and had a cold hard look at what she was actually bringing to my life and it was not worth the sacrifices I was making. Shd did not like it at all that I was no longer prepared to lie down and be walked over. I suspect your sister will kick off too, Tough, she'll have to get over it.

Original poster
Purplehonesty · 22/02/2017 19:08

Yes a wee bit of the golden child thing going on but not with my mum. With grandparents/aunts etc as she is a single mum. Hasn't she done well despite all the hard times and isn't she a wonderful mum. And isn't it great she is starting a new life with purple.

So yeah I would be bad mouthed a lot which would be so unfair.

I have to say she really is a great mum to her dd. So she deserves a lot of credit for having been through some tough times.

But I think she is so used to looking out for herself and her daughter that she can't put anyone else first. Does that make sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplehonesty · 22/02/2017 19:09

Would it be rude to add

What are you actually bringing to my life? Apart from an occasional school pick up what benefit is this arrangement to me/us?

Might that make her think? Probably not...

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.