Who is being unreasonable re childcare issues?

[Purplehonesty]

My sister and I share school pick ups and drop offs.
She is currently living with us since moving countries - has been for 8 months.
She usually picks up her dd and occasionally my dc but not very often.
I take all the kids to school every day and look after them in the holidays as I work in a school.
My role came to an end last week and I was lucky to get another - but it starts earlier.
I've asked her to try and change her part time hours so that she can drop the kids off and I will pick them up (i.e. A swap) she would start work half an hour later.
She doesn't want to. Doesn't see why she should as it's my job that's changed so I should have to sort it out. That's true enough, it is me who has changed.
For background she lives here rent free, i babysit her dd every time she goes out and look after her every holiday and a day most weekends.
She will be moving soon to her own house but I will still do the holiday care and school pick ups.

I feel so unappreciated and like she is peeing all over my generosity.
But as far as she is concerned it's my problem and she feels hard done by.
Living arrangements are now most awkward as she will hardly speak to me. Trying hard to keep the peace and be friendly but it's not being reciprocated.

I do think she is worried about making work uncomfortable if her request is turned down.

But how else does she plan to get dn to school? I didn't complain when she took a job which meant I had to do the school runs, I was glad to help.

Yes maybe it is impossible. But when she started her boss said as long as you are here every day you can pick your hours.

So I don't think changing would be too hard...

You think in terms of helping each other out and sharing, and she is taking the piss.
She will make all the right noises and nothing will change. You look after yourself from now on. Charge her rent and half the bills plus childcare, and tell her to look for somewhere else to live.

I really hope our families are different. We had a similar situation and Mr Zippy had to give them a house to get rid of them. Then they moaned (and are still moaning 25 years later) that he didn't give them the biggest house.
I appreciate that you wouldn't treat them badly because you love them, but you should realise that your sister knows this and is relying on it.

In fact I know it's a case of her not wanting to.

I know this because her daughter said Mum doesn't want to change her hours.

And then she has the whole 'why should I attitude'

If she genuinely can't change her hours and tries her best to sort it then hey ho we go from there with bf clubs and family will all chip in and sort it.

But I now feel like saying you weren't prepared to help when I needed it so you are on your own. And that makes me feel awful and selfish.

You are a mug. Start charging her rent, as a bare minimum.

You can have a decent relationship with your sister without being walked over, she is completely using you. I say this as the eldest of 5 girls, I would help any of my sisters but I would not be treated as a fool.

Maybe she does know I would never kick her out or stop providing childcare?

Why would you gamble tho. She would be royally f'd if I did do that.

School holidays are loooooooong

She wouldn't find anywhere to rent now anyway for such a short term. And that accepts a dog.

Start with Easter break that is coming soon. Tell her she's on her own for it. Give her a taste of what it will be like for her if she continues acting so selfishly and entitled.

If she apologizes and becomes more helpful and fair after the Easter break, you can then reconsider your position.

But I now feel like saying you weren't prepared to help when I needed it so you are on your own.

I think it needs saying. Perhaps not quite so bluntly (even though she deserves far worse). It sounds as though you're struggling to talk. Perhaps send her a succinct text? Something about how how have accommodated her, assisted her in every way and now are asking for her assistance in return. It's very unfortunate she is choosing to not to help out. You now no longer wish to help her when she has no desire to reciprocate. Invite her to reconsider. That sort of thing.

But seriously. Make her sort it all out for herself. And the child drop offs and pick ups in the interim.

Nah, if you kicked her out she could play the victim and be fairly certain that someone would rescue her before they would see her and her child homeless. Some people have a talent for making other people feel responsible for their problems.
While you are enabling her, she isn't learning to take responsibility for herself. The longer that goes on, the worse it will get. I wouldn't be at all surprised to hear that she had run out of money for house renovation, or her builders were delayed, gone bust or ran off with her money.
I'm not for one second suggesting that you throw her out, but I do think she needs to contribute and probably also be encouraged to see that this arrangement needs to end. Surely she has saved some money and would be able to sort out temporary accommodation while her house is being finished?

Ok, here's the thing. You are getting walked over. I think you need to remind yourself that being assertive is not the same as being horrible.

Don't tell her to sod off. Be nice but firm. Say to her that since your request has obviously caused a lot of tension, which was not what you intended, you think the best and most straightforward way forward is for you to stop any co-dependancy by each sorting your own childcare from this point forward. Then STICK TO THAT. Don't slip backwards at all or she will take the mickey again.

If you feel that you also want to ask her for some money for bills, then do so at the same time when you've psyched yourself up to be brave. 'Oh by the way, I was wondering when I could expect a contribution towards the latest round of bills?, I've worked it out and your third comes to xxx'

Sis, I am quite disappointed with your reaction to my request TBH. I thought we were family helping each other out. I have helped you out for the last 8 month by letting you live here for free and looking after DN. If you are unable to help me out now, I guess you are saying we just sort ourselves out? So I sort child care for my kids, and you sort child care for your kids? Will be quite expensive in the holidays!

Maybe she does know I would never kick her out or stop providing childcare?

Oh FFS OP.... you do realise that you can only be treated as bad as you let people? You are LETTING her walk all over you.

Serioulsy?
I would find a beforeschool club for your DC.
Then I would tell her that unfortunately you can't do the hols anymore.

The 'why should I' attitude can work both ways.

But I now feel like saying you weren't prepared to help when I needed it so you are on
If this is what you think, them you need to tell her. And mean it.

I would just tell her 'Dsis I can't take DC to school anymore and you won't so I will be arranging childcare for mine and you need to do the same for DN'. You've tried to sort an arrangement that meant no one needed childcare outside the family and she's refused so you don't really have any other option but to sort your own childcare and leave her to do the same.

Personally I wouldn't be above reminding her she's living in your house and if she continues to cause an atmosphere she's likely to wear out her welcome either. Oh and I'd tell her she now needs to chip in to the household budget to the tune of whatever your childcare will cost you since she wasn't willing to be flexible and try to sort things between you.

Don't be a doormat OP, letting her walk all over you could easily cause long term resentment of her whereas any (selfish and unreasonable) annoyance on her part because you've stood up for yourself is more likely to be short lived.

I'm not sure why you even want it save a relationship with someone who uses you, sponges off you and treats you like shit in your own home in front of your children? She isn't interested in saving it so why are you? You need to stand up for yourself and take away the help, she may appreciate what she had once its gone and then you may be able to save it but while she treats you so badly it will impossible as it is not an equal relationship. So in order to have a decent relationship you need to stand up for yourself I am afraid

Find her an Airbnb that takes pets.

I know I'm being a doormat
I know I'm a wimp

I just keep hoping she will sort herself out and we will go back to normal.

I need to grow a pair.

I'll be the black sheep of the family if we ask her to leave or withdraw childcare.

How could you do that to a single mum etc etc

I can see it now

Well if you put your dc in breakfast club she'll either have to change her hours or pay. Presumably she'll change her hours. Just make sure no one pays for her bf club for her and it might not last long.

have u always got on is she known to be a pisstaker?

favours work both ways it doesnt seem like thers any give and take-well there is- u give she takes

Talk to the people who would declare you to be the black sheep and ask what they would do in your shoes. I suspect that most of them would tell you to take a robust line, so they can hardly criticise you for doing so.