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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who is being unreasonable re childcare issues?

117 replies

Purplehonesty · 22/02/2017 17:08

My sister and I share school pick ups and drop offs.
She is currently living with us since moving countries - has been for 8 months.
She usually picks up her dd and occasionally my dc but not very often.
I take all the kids to school every day and look after them in the holidays as I work in a school.
My role came to an end last week and I was lucky to get another - but it starts earlier.
I've asked her to try and change her part time hours so that she can drop the kids off and I will pick them up (i.e. A swap) she would start work half an hour later.
She doesn't want to. Doesn't see why she should as it's my job that's changed so I should have to sort it out. That's true enough, it is me who has changed.
For background she lives here rent free, i babysit her dd every time she goes out and look after her every holiday and a day most weekends.
She will be moving soon to her own house but I will still do the holiday care and school pick ups.

I feel so unappreciated and like she is peeing all over my generosity.
But as far as she is concerned it's my problem and she feels hard done by.
Living arrangements are now most awkward as she will hardly speak to me. Trying hard to keep the peace and be friendly but it's not being reciprocated.

Sad
OP posts:
Astro55 · 22/02/2017 19:13

But I think she is so used to looking out for herself and her daughter that she can't put anyone else first. Does that make sense?

You see that would make sense if she appreciated that she would in fact be worse off without all your efforts - she'd have to pay child care - she'd have to go in early or pay after school care and then holiday care etc - She doesn't think beyond her own selfish needs -

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 22/02/2017 19:23

I think you need to let go of the idea that there is a nice, happy ending here. Once you do that, more options open up to you.

RandomMess · 22/02/2017 19:30

Perhaps you could give her the option:

I'll give up my new job but it means you will have to start contributing to our bills and towards the childcare I provide for DN.

Or you could change your hours and continue to pay nothing for living in our home and the childcare I provide DN that is over and above reciprocal for when you have mine.

Which do you think is the best solution?

Purplehonesty · 22/02/2017 19:33

Random thanks good points

OP posts:
Purplehonesty · 22/02/2017 19:35

Thank you to everyone who has posted - I really appreciate your replies and it has definitely given me the balls to tackle her later when she gets home.

OP posts:
honeylulu · 22/02/2017 19:37

Good luck OP- you sound lovely.
I wish you were my sister

Purplehonesty · 22/02/2017 19:38

Thanks honey. I wish you were mine!

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 22/02/2017 20:48

Good luck OP, hope she sees the light and stops acting like a teen living at her Mums house and grows up.

Astro55 · 22/02/2017 21:26

After a bit of the tjought - I wonder if you are one of those people pleasers who think they are helping but actually really aren't?
She's showing you she doesn't want this arrangement (by collecting her own DD ) - but you aren't listening? A favour she doesn't really want?

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/02/2017 21:50

In what way is providing free accommodation and childcare not helping the Op's sister?

Purplehonesty · 22/02/2017 21:50

It might be that Astro

Nice to get another perspective

Yeah maybe she wants to go it alone I'll back off and give her that option.

OP posts:
Purplehonesty · 22/02/2017 21:52

Squinkies that's what dh says - she's acting like a spoilt teen

OP posts:
Astro55 · 22/02/2017 22:40

I didn't mean she's not helping - I mean she's helping toooo much - and sis is trying to back off with it all - it's lovely op is proving a roof and meals childcare etc - but it's all become too much for sis and in her own way is backing off with the whole living in each other's pockets - a bit sufferacting. Actions speak louder than words

I would say as this arrangement isn't working for DSis - then the OP shouldn't be too worried about sorting out her own childcare - which had DSis stayed abroad she would have to do anyway.

NoFucksImAQueen · 23/02/2017 05:55

Hope it went ok

Masketti · 23/02/2017 06:41

Hope you feel OK today. Stay calm and if you give her some of the choices mentioned maybe she'll feel more in control as well.

Chloe84 · 23/02/2017 08:28

YANBU at all OP.

KatharinaRosalie · 23/02/2017 08:49

You have said several times that you don't want to ruin the relationship.

Oddly, this does not seem to be a concern for your sister. Did she think that 'Oh, I'm living here rent free, my Sis does a lot of childcare, she has now asked me a favour - we might fall out if I don't help her'?

No she didn't. She didn't even try, but just said that she does not see why she should help.

Be more like your sister for just once and don't let her walk all over you.

GabsAlot · 23/02/2017 09:44

i agree kat shes the one already ruining it-as for the comments about isnt she doing great-yeah she is because of you

Purplehonesty · 23/02/2017 12:13

She didnt come home til late night so I sent a message saying I was arranging morning club for the kids and had she already sorted it for her dd?

She messaged back saying she was trying to sort something out at work but that she didn't know if it would be approved.

So I've arranged as and when drop offs for my two. Dh will do as many of the drop offs as he can even if he has to get up after nightshift, drop them and go back to bed it's better than paying for club.

I haven't said yet but if we go down that route I am not prepared for her to drop off her daughter here when she moves. She can take her to the club herself every day and then go to work.

That way we aren't doing her a favour most mornings she is on her own.

School hols I will still help out if it suits me. So I know the kids will want to spend time together and I will offer a few days here and there. But it won't be every holiday or if the kids are doing things with dh's family.

Balls of steel (ish...)

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 23/02/2017 12:41

Thanks for the explanation Astro55, I see what you mean now.

It's a sad fact Purplehonesty that people tend not to value things that are free. I don't know why - because you're giving something for free therefore it must be costing you nothing/you don't value it so why should I? I don't know the reason, but I accept that that's the psychology of it.

You have given your sister a great deal, and since it was all for free she does not see its worth. But, when she has to start paying for housing, childcare - at that point she may realise how poorly she has behaved. So, ovaries balls of steel must be strapped on and you must stop being a free ride for her; because for as long as you are free and always there, she will take you for granted and feel entitled to treat you as she has just done. Your relationship stands a better chance of surviving/improving if it actually COSTS her.

Skinnydecafflatte · 23/02/2017 14:38

Well done Purple, not easy but hopefully she'll realise how good you've been to her. I've read it as you were doing all drop offs and most pick ups? As well as letting her live rent free and you doing all the holiday care? What exactly is she doing for you? Does she even pay for food at yours!

I really hope this gets sorted for you.

EweAreHere · 23/02/2017 17:28

I would tell her she's on her own for the April term break, even if your own children are disappointed.

You need to make the point about how entitled she's been, and how she's given absolutely nothing back. Not only that, she complained when asked to do a small thing!

Chloe84 · 23/02/2017 19:47

Well done OP. Don't get sucked into sorting breakfast club for her.

When is she moving out?

Purplehonesty · 23/02/2017 22:06

Her house should be ready in a few weeks
Yes she does pay towards the main food shop when I ask her. I should have been firmer from the start and asked for a set amount each week so I don't have to keep asking.

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 23/02/2017 22:19

Few weeks life will be much easier for you.

Its is great when people work together..However this is not happening here.

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