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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU -to not let mil look after baby

48 replies

GlitterandSparkle88 · 22/02/2017 10:28

Dh wants his parents to have DS while we go for lunch. MIL has babysat once which wasn't great ignored everything I'd said had DS overexcited and up way past bedtime but to be fair I agreed as I thought at least with it being the day no issue with bedtime. Anyway next thing I know they're asking how long we'll be as they are taking him somewhere that's an hours drive each way (they don't even have a car seat, or any idea how to use ours. She once told me I could just strap his carrycot in the backseat!) me and Dh had already said before DS's arrival that we were not comfortable with him going out without us until he's bigger, but he just sat there and went along with them. When I said to him I'm not comfortable with them taking DS out he agreed he didn't want that to happen either?! I tried to tell them no we won't be long please just stay in with him but as usual they ignored me. I now don't feel comfortable leaving baby with them as I don't trust them to which DH has fell out with me. AIBU? Sorry it's a long rant !

OP posts:

ParisGellar · 22/02/2017 10:31

Not using a proper car seat and ignoring you about that is a breach of his safety and of your trust so I think yanbu.

Bluebellevergreen · 22/02/2017 10:32

YANBU. How old is the baby?
I would not be happy with an hours deive each way when they obviously dont know about car seat safety.
I am NOT letting my baby with MIL alone since she drives the other grandchildren around without car seats and said we shouldnt use a car seat when baby is born to come back from hospital as they are dangerous.

Not sure how she would drive him back then

Hgmother · 22/02/2017 10:33

I'm not sure they're entirely responsible people if they're actually suggesting you strap a carry cot in the back seat. I know this was once the done thing but nowadays? If you want to look after a child at least learn how to do the car seat!
In general though if you're not comfortable with it then that's a good enough reason, even without all your reasons.
I think your husband is being slightly unfair towards you, but then they're his parents so he'll trust them more.

Alisvolatpropiis · 22/02/2017 10:34

How old is your son? Also, how old are your parents in law?

The car seat issue would absolutely bother me, but surely you can show them how to use yours?

Hgmother · 22/02/2017 10:35

bluebell
She said car seats are dangerous? Wow..you really have your work cut out there lol

livingthegoodlife · 22/02/2017 10:35

Don't do it.

My mil is the same. They always disregard what I say re children and dog. It's not worth the stress.

For example: they wanted to look after our dog for the day whilst we were at a wedding. He has a heart condition which was bad at the time. Vets instructions were no walks just out in garden. They then took him on a hugely long walk and commented he was panting really hard and was very weak - duh!!! Not happy.

Or the time they took the kids for a walk whilst we did a bit of decorating. They took them to the beach, the kids ran into the sea. Rather than getting wet and rescuing them they got someone else to get them out. Then didn't bring them home until 6pm when I was expecting them at about 4.30pm. they wouldn't answer their phones.

Or when they gave my toddler and baby un cut grapes for breakfast!

If they don't respect your "rules" then I think it's highly unlikely they will start.

The stress was too much for me and now I stay with them all the time.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 22/02/2017 10:38

If there was even the slightest hint that they didn't understand the importance of car seats, they wouldn't be having sole responsibility for my child, and certainly not taking them anywhere. YANBU.

MiddleClassProblem · 22/02/2017 10:40

YANBU! I have no advice other than stand your ground and look into alternative childcare and tell DH to stop people pleasing when his child's health and safety is at risk!

I prob would not go if I couldn't find anyone I trusted to look after DD.

Enidblyton1 · 22/02/2017 10:42

Compromise - can you find someone else to babysit...
Don't ignore your relationship with your husband

TheFullMrexit · 22/02/2017 10:43

Op, its what people of that generation used to do before car seat laws, i was strapped into the back in a cot

so I wouldnt haul them over the coals as they have not been in the loop new parents are - on being up to date on all this - the question is - can they be updated?
will they listen to you if you say - its the law - car seats etc?
My own pils attitude is that they know everything - its really hard trying to up date them - no coat in car seat etc...

GoodDayToYou · 22/02/2017 10:44

I think I would cancel, maybe tell them you're feeling anxious about leaving him.

Fitzsimmons · 22/02/2017 10:45

Uck my MIL is funny about car seats as well. She seems to think that because her children survived that it's perfectly safe not to use them. My nephew once required a trip to A&E when he was 3 because he climbed on a chair to reach something in the kitchen and fell off, she was meant to be looking after him but wasn't in the same room.

When my other nephew was born he required a hospital stay and was tube fed. She had to be stopped from giving him a bottle of formula because she decided she knew better than the doctors.

Needless to say, because of this, she will never be allowed to look after our two until they are much much older and can pretty much look after themselves. You need to be firm OP. Ask your DH how he would feel if anything happened whilst your DS was in their care. Would he be able to live with the guilt?

pipsqueak25 · 22/02/2017 10:56

dh needs a kick up the arse if he won't stand up to his parents imo i would n't stood for my dc being put at risk in this way.

kaitlinktm · 22/02/2017 11:00

Even if it was the done thing in their day, it doesn't mean they can't understand that things move on.

We strapped the carrycot in the car too - and once I drove in the back of my mother's car for several hundred miles with my baby on my lap - it was the done thing (look at footage of Diana bringing William home from hospital). Even now my blood runs cold at the thought of it!

As it happened, the evening of that journey (mine, not Diana's) there was a documentary about the results of crashes on children being held in the back seat. It was so awful that the next day my mother went out (alone) and bought a car seat and got the shop to fit it in her car - she learned (as did I) - why can't your MIL.

Fakenewsday · 22/02/2017 11:08

yanbu. Wow i thought mine were slapdash, this is ridiculous. Maybe dig out some youtube clips of what happens to children without car seats? Tbh though, anyone that didn't get this now, wouldn't pass my test of leaving a kid under 10 with them...back yourself, you're right, your DH is putting his dc at risk.

krustykittens · 22/02/2017 11:12

One of my friends was telling me how his mum used to take him to the yard when she wanted to ride her horse and just left him on the back seat as a tiny baby - in a cornflakes box! Seriously. This was the late 70s so no excuse, I'm sure that wasn't the done thing then. Some people just don't think or care and don't want to be told any different. Stick to your guns, OP and tell your DH to present a untied front with you, ESPECIALLY when you have already discussed this and agreed on it!

Rugbyplayersarehot · 22/02/2017 11:15

Mmmmm I am a child of the 70s and no car seat or belt but I have grasped moving on and wouldn't dream of driving my kids and grandchildren without proper restraint.

I do see young parents with kids not properly restrained it's not an age thing or a mil thing it's a stupid thing.

Tell your dh to grow up and put his kid first and don't let them babysit. End of.

LittleMum91 · 22/02/2017 11:19

Yanbu. I would feel exactly the same. It's ridiculously irresponsible for them to take him out without a car seat and it would make my blood boil!

Inertia · 22/02/2017 11:20

YANBU.

Your in-laws refuse to take basic precautions to keep your baby safe, therefore they cannot be trusted to look after him.

Doesn't matter how stroppy your DH gets about it, it isn't worth risking your baby's life to let your in-laws have their own way.

Bluebellevergreen · 22/02/2017 11:21

hgmother yep. Making the point that she is a lot safer driving the other grabdchildren around without them.
I was SO HAPPY when DH asked if she had read that on the daily mail 🙈 And then told her she was breaking the law

(Usually his mum "can do no wrong")

arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens · 22/02/2017 11:31

YANDBU OP. I have a wonderful MIL who educated herself on the car seat laws when my DD and nephews were born and went out to buy suitable ones - as she wanted to be able to take them out for trips.

Your DH sounds like he's afraid of upsetting his parents - but there is much more at risk here. Point out to him that if he lets his parents take out your baby whilst knowing they do not have, and are not willing to use, a car seat, he is just as liable as they are if anything should happen or they are stopped. They would be prosecuted and the police would want a stern word with him - as would Social Services. (this might be enough to make him grow a pair and stick up for you).

If they won't consider your views, have proven in the past that they cannot stick to your rules and you think they would ignore you and take your baby out regardless then I'm afraid I would be looking for another babysitter. You may have childminders locally that will do wedding cover? I know it would be an additional expense but at least you would know the baby is safe.

Good luck, I hope you manage to get it sorted.

arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens · 22/02/2017 11:33

oops, sorry, misread OP as to event. It might be that you have to take baby with you then.

Rafflesway · 22/02/2017 11:35

YADNBU OP!
I speak as an over 60 Mnetter with a dd who is mid 20's now and even back then the idea of strapping a carrycot on the back seat would have been a definite NOOOO!

Are they 90 fgs? You put your foot down and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it either including your DH. I am steaming on your behalf 😡😡😡

Rugbyplayersarehot · 22/02/2017 11:42

Yep I had my first baby in 1989 and car seats had been around long before that.

kaitlinktm · 22/02/2017 11:48

This is 1982 footage of Diana and Charles bringing William home from hospital. I remember no great outcry about the lack of a car seat. But not long after that things moved on.

My own son was born in 1985 and we didn't have a car seat at first, but with a month or two, after seeing a documentary, we did.

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