Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU -to not let mil look after baby

48 replies

GlitterandSparkle88 · 22/02/2017 10:28

Dh wants his parents to have DS while we go for lunch. MIL has babysat once which wasn't great ignored everything I'd said had DS overexcited and up way past bedtime but to be fair I agreed as I thought at least with it being the day no issue with bedtime. Anyway next thing I know they're asking how long we'll be as they are taking him somewhere that's an hours drive each way (they don't even have a car seat, or any idea how to use ours. She once told me I could just strap his carrycot in the backseat!) me and Dh had already said before DS's arrival that we were not comfortable with him going out without us until he's bigger, but he just sat there and went along with them. When I said to him I'm not comfortable with them taking DS out he agreed he didn't want that to happen either?! I tried to tell them no we won't be long please just stay in with him but as usual they ignored me. I now don't feel comfortable leaving baby with them as I don't trust them to which DH has fell out with me. AIBU? Sorry it's a long rant !

OP posts:

diddl · 22/02/2017 11:49

So are they at yours waiting for you to go out?

I'd just take baby with me tbh.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 22/02/2017 11:52

I think some news papers did comment about Diana holding the baby though but obviously things have massively moved on now.

Mind you I hadn't heard about the coat issue until I saw it on a tv programme fairly recently.

HarrietSchulenberg · 22/02/2017 11:59

Assuming that your MIL is neither bonkers nor 100 years old, by "carrycot" could she mean the pram insert that becomes a carseat, the thing she's probably seen you bring DS into the house in?

TheMysteriousJackelope · 22/02/2017 12:03

Op, its what people of that generation used to do before car seat laws, i was strapped into the back in a cot

Nonsense. DM and DMIL were born in the 30's and neither of them suggested taking their young grandchildren out in a car without car seats. I am probably the same generation as the OP's PIL and I wouldn't expect babies to be strapped into a carry cot on the back seat. This isn't a generational thing, it's a deliberate ignorance thing. They aren't willing to make the effort to understand how their grandchild's car seat works.

Italiangreyhound · 22/02/2017 12:10

GlitterandSparkle YANBU.

Just tell them no. You can take baby with you for lunch in his car seat and he will be fine.

Just tell them you have changed your minds. You have every right to do this for any reason you want, he is your son. Your husband is a bit cowardly and needs to assert himself a bit more. But please do not wait for that to happen.
If they probe why you have changed your mind you simply say, " I'm afraid WE are not comfortable about suggestion to take him out for an hours drive (two hour return trip?), that was not what was suggested at first and we agreed to your looking after him at home. Also, your ideas around car seats are very worrying, you don't own one and don't know how to use our car seat. It's illegal for babies to travel by car without a car seat, and most of all it is potentially very dangerous."

If they argue and bluster about being careful drivers then you just need to reassert. "It's not about your driving (unless it is of course!) but roads are dangerous because all kinds of drivers are using them!"

AyeAmarok · 22/02/2017 12:11

How old?

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/02/2017 12:20

Sounds like my mother. Dd was a bit hungry when we were out. Think 10/15 mins quick feed to keep her going. I suppose she and her husband could have come back to the car a little later but dd was crying and a small baby and I wasn't thinking plans, I was thinking of my baby. My mother was most put out because dh and I wouldn't drive home while I breastfed dd in the front while drove home. Winged constantly about car seats for years and how stupid they are. Her views are the same of the soft Tarmac on children's playgrounds. "What's that going to teach them if they fall off - they won't hurt themselves. We learnt to hang on."

YANBU. I didn't leave dd with her until she was much older and could trust dd to speak out.

Newmother8668 · 22/02/2017 12:46

Lol! Just had this similar conversation with my DH. I told him that his mother wouldn't be allowed to take care of him and I'd rather have professionals do it. He whinged, but I told him to go climb a tree. The last two times she was even with him while I was there, she said he didn't need naps at all (when he was 2 months old) and the second time she was so tipsy on red wine she let go of his head that banged on the side of the chair. I can't stand the fact she treats him like a toy rather than a baby that could get hurt!

thethoughtfox · 22/02/2017 13:44

Be up front. Tell them you will never leave your child with them until they agree too, and you are confident they will respect your wishes.

Mumzypopz · 23/02/2017 09:26

It is a generational thing.. Definitely. I remember going out with my neighbours once, in about 1980, and they strapped the baby's carrycot ( that came off a pram) into the back seat. If I recall, the carrycot was really secure,candidate the baby was tied in to it with reins. Of course things have moved on now, and things are better, don't think the op's mil has moved on with the times....But then she hasn't had to till now.
Having said that, if they were wanting to take my baby out, I would ensure they had a car seat and knew how to use it.

Mumzypopz · 23/02/2017 09:27

And not candidate

Mumzypopz · 23/02/2017 09:27

Sorry, and not candidate

Nanny0gg · 23/02/2017 09:34

It's not a generational thing!

I was well aware before I became a grandmother that babies/children needed car seats.

I brought my first DC home in a carrycot but once older it was car seats all the way and when No 2 onwards came it was home in a car seat.

They just don't want to buy one.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 23/02/2017 09:34

Today 09:33 ShowMePotatoSalad

Car seats are not some sort of new fangled invention. I was in a car seat when I was a baby/toddler in late 80s followed by booster seat.

If she really thinks car seats are dangerous then no, I wouldn't trust her to take DS out in a car. No way.

SilverdaleGlen · 23/02/2017 09:36

On the first incident of him staying up past his bedtime is say you were being really unreasonable, that's GP prerogative to relax the rules.

However I see no need for an hours drive while babysitting so car seat or not if not be happy. Are they reasonable thighs? Will they listen and agree to car seats? Why/where do they want to take him?

And how old is he? (Awaits drip feed of 10yo)

ShowMePotatoSalad · 23/02/2017 09:37

I hate the generational excuse. Being born in a different generation doesn't give you carte blanche to be ignorant.

And how old can MIL be anyway?

SilverdaleGlen · 23/02/2017 09:37

Thighs?? *though!

Plus lots of other errors!

MiddleClassProblem · 23/02/2017 09:40

Reasonable thighs. Mine and more generous thighs than reasonable

Mumzypopz · 23/02/2017 09:48

Nannyogg...It depends on how old you are though and how old the ops mil is. I do believe it is a generational thing. There are some very young Grandparents and some very old ones. My parents are in their eighties, and we did not have car seats when younger, we sat on our mums knee.....People didn't even use seat belts at that time. Also I took it that the ops baby was very young, young enough to go in a pram carrycot, which is possibly why the mil thought so too. More than likely, the ops mil was desperate to take her grandchild out and presumed it would still be in a carrycot. I recall the straps to secure these pram carrycots to the car in the eighties were manufactured by mothercare. We aren't talking about strapping it in with ropes!!!! I used to have a spare carseat which my in-laws could use, as I wouldn't expect them to have to buy one themselves. If the OP is dropping off the baby at theirs, why can't they just swap the car seat into their car. Then all they would need to know how to do, is the straps.

Mumzypopz · 23/02/2017 09:51

And in any case, I got the impression the mil had just made a comment about the carrycot. .Don't think she was forcing her?! Think we need to cut her some slack here.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 23/02/2017 10:02

Your DH sounds a bit wet TBH - why on earth didn't he say something to his DM when she was going on about taking your baby for a 2-hour drive?? For a first time babysitting it's perfectly reasonable for you to want them nearby.

Also, on the subject of car seats - WTAF? Not using one is (a) unsafe and (b) illegal! It's not 'optional'!

Berthatydfil · 23/02/2017 10:09

Ask your dh what he would prefer - offending / upsetting his parents or visiting his child in hospital with avoidable (by using a car seat) injuries after a car accident ?

Or ask him if he'd be confident explaining to social services/ the police why he thought it was ok for his parents to break the law on child car safety ??

faithinthesound · 23/02/2017 17:42

I mean, you can say it's the grandparents' prerogative to "relax the rules" re: his bedtime and such... but it's his parents who then had to deal with the overtired unmanageable mess that the grandparents caused and handed back. So I say, it's the parents prerogative to say "if you can't follow simple and reasonable instructions re: the care of our child, then you don't get to care for him, period."

Flip

1 2