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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want dh to set boundaries with mil(his dm)

50 replies

AmberValentine · 21/02/2017 22:51

Right, my mil has been very excited about 1st dgc who is due in the next couple of weeks. I have been letting her enjoy herself with buying clothes etc but she's started coming out with things which I'm not too happy about.

The biggest one was that she rang me a couple of weeks ago to tell me that she's booked the chalet at the end of the year that go to at haven every year for fil birthday. Great my dc will be around 7-8 months by this time. But she said if me and dh can't go for the whole week due to work and can only go for a long weekend that she would take my dc (her 1st dgc) for the whole time and I can express prior to this if I am "still" breastfeeding! (Which she has a problem with anyway but that's a different story!)

I go on to inform her that getting the time off work won't be an issue as I'll still be on maternity leave and dh was going to keep his holidays for this year for Christmas/emergencies instead of taking them straight after paternity to extend time off.

Then last Friday we had been round to visit and told them that we've been given a travel cot so for the trip they don't need to hire one at the chalet and she says she wasn't going to hire one anyway because my 7-8 month dc will be sleeping between her and fil!
I was quite shocked by this that nothing came out of my mouth and I don't think dh was listening.
So tonight I've spoken to dh about how I don't want to co-sleep in the bed and we've had a discussion and are now on the same page but I want him to tell mil our rules about this amongst other things.
Aibu for wanting him to talk to her about it? As I know she's not happy about other things I've said I'm going to do (like try to BF) and I don't want to seem that this is all coming from me and not dh's wished too.
Also do I wait until closer to the trip to get him to tell her or do I get him to do it sooner?

Thanks!

(Sorry it's such a long ramble)

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 21/02/2017 22:56

Wtaf - I'm speechless.
Your dh needs a not so quiet word to nip this in the bud.

EmeraldScorn · 21/02/2017 23:00

Just tell her yourself and don't turn it into a drama; "Mother-in-law we will be bringing a travel cot with us to the chalet for the baby and the baby will be sleeping in the cot, not co-sleeping and certainly not with you."

There you go, there's no need to over think it or get worked up about a suggestion, tell her no full stop!

Lymmmummy · 21/02/2017 23:01

Ok she sounds mad😄

Co sleeping not ideal at the best of times the idea that a grandparent would suggest it is pure bonkers

Yes it has to come from your DH to tell her but make sure he is specific and consistent the type like you MIL have a tendency not to hear what is being said unless you are blunt and persistent

Good luck

Thinkingblonde · 21/02/2017 23:04

Tell her it's not happening. 'No, baby won't be sleeping in anyone's bed, he will be in the travel cot which will be in our room'
No he won't be going with you whether I'm breast feeding or not.
Don't be scared of her, you've got to nip this in the bud now.

AyeAmarok · 21/02/2017 23:05

To be honest, what she's suggesting is so bonkers I don't think it even needs to be your DH that says it, I'd say it myself.

It's your baby. You're perfectly entitled to say "no, you're not taking my breastfed baby away on holiday for 4 days without me, don't be daft MIL"

Astro55 · 21/02/2017 23:09

Can I just pull you up on your OP?

When MIL questions X Y Z it is never I - it is always WE - stand together not apart - saves a wedge being woven

We don't think co-sleeping is a good idea - We have lots of time for holidays - etc

ElvishArchdruid · 21/02/2017 23:09

I can almost picture her pointy hat & broomstick.

SeeTheGood20 · 21/02/2017 23:15

I think these things are much simpler if you just tell her yourself if you can.

Angryangryyoungwoman · 21/02/2017 23:19

It seems almost unbelievable that she would announce that your baby will be sleeping with her. On a trip that will not take place until the end of the year. It all seems very strange.

Alpies · 22/02/2017 00:23

Welcome to the world of narcistic MILs! So sorry this is happening and baby is not even here yet.

I'm afraid u are going to have to stand up and put up firm boundaries otherwise u r going to have a tough time.

Don't expect too much help from ur DH. It's likely he will feel too guilty to say anything to his mummy.

Let your MIL know this is not her second chance to be a mother. This is her first chance to be a grandmother.

I don't know why MILs have such a huge issue with breastfeeding. (I wish an MIL would have the decency to explain this to us DILs) Mine did too and I curse the c**t every day. Don't let her get between you and your baby. Breastfeed as long as u can and as long as u want to. Invest in a good sling. Tell her the first 3 months is the 4th trimester and u want to keep ur baby close.

Make sure u have a plan for immediately post baby. Restrict visits to certain times a day. Don't let anyone pick up baby when he/she is sleeping.

Good luck OP! You are going to need it!

There should be a law against these nasty piece of work MILs who cause so much stress and trauma to people.

cafenoirbiscuit · 22/02/2017 02:44

Blimey - that's a whole new level of bonkersness Shock
She's well out of line here!

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 22/02/2017 03:28

Whole heartedly agree with Alpies.
I am going to add for the co-sleeping, even if you had baby sleeping with you as a breasfeeding mum the risks of SIDS are greatly reduced, which is not the case for your PIL. The whole point of co-sleeping is so that baby can breastfeed at night more easily.

Trifleorbust · 22/02/2017 06:31

"DH and I don't know what we will be happy with at that point. Let's assume I'm breastfeeding. We'll definitely need the cot anyway."

Livelovebehappy · 22/02/2017 07:03

I'm usually 'team MIL' on these threads, because they always seem to get bad press with DILs, but I can see in this instance that your MIL is starting to show potential signs of becoming a very interfering GM. You need to just be firm from the outset, and nip it in the bud. Her intentions are probably good, but you need to start how you mean to go on. Pick your battles, and don't get hung up on the little things because she is obviously a very excited first time GM, but I would definitely put my foot down about the co-sleeping thing.

ChuckSnowballs · 22/02/2017 07:08

You need to start a new line of responses which start 'We'll see nearer the time'.

timeisnotaline · 22/02/2017 07:09

I would make the discussion about being a loving mother not co-sleeping. You may well end up doing some co-sleeping as a breastfeeding mum! But your mil co-sleeping would be, umm, very strange.

NavyandWhite · 22/02/2017 07:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CharlieDimmocksbosoms · 22/02/2017 07:21

Just say "we don't want to start any co sleeping when baby will be used to a cot by then he will expect it when we get home" and pick your battles nearer the time. She's just being excited and trying ( clumsily) to be supportive.

Backt0Black · 22/02/2017 07:26

Woah! Seems MIL has much planned for your DC..... more worrying whats rattling around in her head that you DON'T yet know about.

Also coming to the end of my first pregnancy now, and very possibly hormonal.....but the thought of anyone telling me they are taking my child off me and I should express for them, if I must, in preparation for it................. is bringing very dark thoughts indeed for the sayer of such utter shit!

Reclaim your child! Now! ..... I think it'll be best to use this completely ludicrous and so obviously potty scenario to slap down some boundaries while EVERYONE can see MIL is being nuts rather than have lots of little 'challenges' later.

NavyandWhite · 22/02/2017 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thinkingblonde · 22/02/2017 07:38

I don't get it either, I'd tell the in laws that they have had their chance at parenthood, baby is not their plaything or entertainment.
You are going to have to be firm. Kind, but firm with them.

sureitsgrand · 22/02/2017 07:40

Just another side of things. I have a very strange MIL. Phrases such as 'breastfeeding is a load of bullshit' were bandied around when I was expecting DS. I got thoroughly worked up and made my DH stand up to her etc. A few months down the line, my lovely son was thriving, bigger than other kids his age, sleeping all night etc (things that were very important to her). And whilst she didn't apologise, she has never questioned me since. She is respectful of my parenting. I'm much calmer around her, and let her opinions in one ear and out the other. Things are alot easier. If you can try to shrug off her (crazy) ideas and opinions and just get on with your own way hopefully it will die down.

sureitsgrand · 22/02/2017 07:40

Just another side of things. I have a very strange MIL. Phrases such as 'breastfeeding is a load of bullshit' were bandied around when I was expecting DS. I got thoroughly worked up and made my DH stand up to her etc. A few months down the line, my lovely son was thriving, bigger than other kids his age, sleeping all night etc (things that were very important to her). And whilst she didn't apologise, she has never questioned me since. She is respectful of my parenting. I'm much calmer around her, and let her opinions in one ear and out the other. Things are alot easier. If you can try to shrug off her (crazy) ideas and opinions and just get on with your own way hopefully it will die down.

NerrSnerr · 22/02/2017 07:42

Even though it is nice that she wants to be involved she is massively overstepping the mark. She can't be talking about co sleeping and taking a small baby on holiday without you! I agree that your partner needs to have a quiet word with her. My inlaws also had an issue with me breastfeeding as they felt I was doing it to prevent my baby going places without me!

Rockingaround · 22/02/2017 07:48

Both of mine at 8months would not have had anyone else tend to them in the middle of the night. She's off her rocker. I wouldn't say anything OP, I would put up "silent" boundaries in my own mind, respond with a smile, nod, "we'll see" etc and closer to the time you need a loop of responses such as "this works for us", this is our way, DD is much happier this way etc you will know your baby the best, you need to develop the confidence to relay this to MIL to be your child's advocate and that's really difficult when you're a first time mum. Be strong OP, don't give an inch!