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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want dh to set boundaries with mil(his dm)

50 replies

AmberValentine · 21/02/2017 22:51

Right, my mil has been very excited about 1st dgc who is due in the next couple of weeks. I have been letting her enjoy herself with buying clothes etc but she's started coming out with things which I'm not too happy about.

The biggest one was that she rang me a couple of weeks ago to tell me that she's booked the chalet at the end of the year that go to at haven every year for fil birthday. Great my dc will be around 7-8 months by this time. But she said if me and dh can't go for the whole week due to work and can only go for a long weekend that she would take my dc (her 1st dgc) for the whole time and I can express prior to this if I am "still" breastfeeding! (Which she has a problem with anyway but that's a different story!)

I go on to inform her that getting the time off work won't be an issue as I'll still be on maternity leave and dh was going to keep his holidays for this year for Christmas/emergencies instead of taking them straight after paternity to extend time off.

Then last Friday we had been round to visit and told them that we've been given a travel cot so for the trip they don't need to hire one at the chalet and she says she wasn't going to hire one anyway because my 7-8 month dc will be sleeping between her and fil!
I was quite shocked by this that nothing came out of my mouth and I don't think dh was listening.
So tonight I've spoken to dh about how I don't want to co-sleep in the bed and we've had a discussion and are now on the same page but I want him to tell mil our rules about this amongst other things.
Aibu for wanting him to talk to her about it? As I know she's not happy about other things I've said I'm going to do (like try to BF) and I don't want to seem that this is all coming from me and not dh's wished too.
Also do I wait until closer to the trip to get him to tell her or do I get him to do it sooner?

Thanks!

(Sorry it's such a long ramble)

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 22/02/2017 07:56

She's off her rocker

Nothing wrong with letting someone have your baby overnight if you want to. But not if you don't! Either way, now is not the time to discuss it.

flumpybear · 22/02/2017 08:02

Wow!!! You r husband needs to set boundaries urgently!!!

NavyandWhite · 22/02/2017 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

girlywhirly · 22/02/2017 08:21

YANBU. You should tell MIL that it won't be happening and back it up with how she and FIL will probably have been drinking (they are on holiday) and it is dangerous to have the baby in bed with them as will get too hot, and the risk of suffocation is high or physical injury if they roll on the baby as one so small will not able to escape. Provide them with literature. The same applies if one or both take sleeping tablets.

Boundaries need to be put in place now before MIL thinks she can do as she likes.

YouTheCat · 22/02/2017 08:32

Why are you even going on holiday with them? Your mil sounds awful.

MermaidsTears · 22/02/2017 08:38

Although she sounds crazy, I do think some mils do just get a bit carried away with their ideas and excitement
My eldest was first grandchild and she got a bit loopy, set up a whole nursery in her spare room (her friend give her a cot) complete with bumpers and bedding and books and toys....
My DD never stayed there!
Also I noticed sometimes the reality is different, when baby is that age they often only want mum or dad, and cry all night with teething sometimes etc and suddenly grandparents are not as keen!
But yes I agree you should be saying to her that certain things won't be happening.

midsummabreak · 22/02/2017 09:19

She is sounding controlling. If she is fair and flexible she will be happy with all of you having a say in where and how long you want your holiday for, and who with.

Still time to discuss around the table, all points of view heard. you could make it a short holiday with them, and a longer holiday with just you, DH and baby
Whether you breast feed or not and how baby sleeps is not up for discussion -your baby, your choice

midsummabreak · 22/02/2017 09:25

Tbh my Mum can be very similar , so trust me, it is important to be fair but firm at all times, as most others are saying.. I am the scapegoat of family tho so easier for me to be firm with mum. Much harder for "the golden child" to be firm with her if that is how your DH is treated by MIL. He will feel quite worried about upsetting her, as if she is a control freak and a bit narcissistic in her behaviour, she will MAKE SURE he feels guilty for going against all her suggestions (as she's always right), as a method of control/manipulating him

DartmoorDoughnut · 22/02/2017 09:32

I never understand why you can't have the conversation yourself and you need to have your DH do t for you, only on MN! Obvs discuss it with your DH but seriously just talk to her!

Tbh she's probably just over excited (like mine was) just ignore her if you don't want to bring it up, she'll forget it soon enough.

NavyandWhite · 22/02/2017 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottaf1y · 22/02/2017 09:50

So she's over excited at being a Nan and you've said nothing whilst she's bought stuff, so she's got carried away.

It's only after speaking to her that you can call her unreasonable.

I co-sleep/slept with my GD and by 8 months had her overnight for around four days.

Ok, I had the sensitivity to let my DD be the lead on what she wanted, but your MIL is missing that part, until she's told.

My GD was a head strong grumpy little thing and not like my fairly easy BF babies, so as enthusiastic as I was, there were times that I was happy that I wasn't asked, tbh.

Dont pre-empt how you think it's going to be.

Just tell her your plans and what your expectations and what you don't want, are.

rattieofcarcassone · 22/02/2017 09:53

Tell her yourself. From experience, it's only going to get worse. I loved my MIL before I got pregnant, she turned into a twat when I was pregnant though. I ended up being very straight (and possibly a bit snappy) with her in the end. DH didn't realise how bad she'd been until that point and he backed me up. She made it very clear that she wouldn't respect anything that she thought would be 'my' decision. She seemed to calm down in the last month of pregnancy and even became supportive, but as soon as baby was born in November she was a cunt again. I should have said something then and really regret not saying anything. DH was in a state of shock I think and was a bit all over the place so just ignored it and avoided her to avoid getting angry with her for it, but one of us should have said something then. Really really needed too as she really upset us and tainted the first few days of our daughters life after a really rough labour/birth. She's been careful since then as she knows that she fucked up momentously (we've seen her about 5 times since DD was born) but I'm waiting for it to go tits up now as both DH and I are on edge waiting for the next comment!

Basically, you need to make it very clear now that you are a team and she is not part of that team!

thethoughtfox · 22/02/2017 10:01

The breast feeding thing could be because it is a special thing that only you can do for your baby so she can't insert herself as the most special person in that child's life which she is clearly telling you is her plan. And is stops her from taking your baby when she wants. It could also be because she couldn't breastfeed herself or was advised not to by her own mother so either genuinely believes this is not right for a baby as she didn't do it or is consumed with anger and jealousy that you will parent in a way that she couldn't.

Use your tiger mum instincts to gently but very firmly start asserting yourself about what will and will not be happening with your baby. It will be difficult to do this when you just give birth as you will be emotionally vulnerable.

thethoughtfox · 22/02/2017 10:03

A friend's MIL took over immediately my friend gave birth after a caesarean and started picking up the baby in the hospital and passing around as if she was the mother while my friend couldn't get up. My friend was visibly distressed but didn't say anything. This hurt her deeply when she was trying to bond with her baby and set a precedent where the MIL continued to try to take over.

TheFullMrexit · 22/02/2017 10:05

oh dear, its only going to get worse.

Without a doubt you need to put your foot down, you need to say things like Mil its very kind of you but I wouldnt get too excited about things your going to be doing with our child, I will probably turn into a lioness and never want to let my dc out of my sight.

Yep my in laws have hinted about dc going away with them without us ( youngest was 1) they wanted to put my 2 year old - in a car and onto a plane with people I had never ever met and all sorts of other bonkers frankly selfish stuff. its always packaged as a good thing

" to give you a break why not send x over to us - we can send her with jim and sue...."

LemonBreeland · 22/02/2017 10:16

I think it would be perfectly reasonable for your DH to sit her down and say, we know you're excited about being a Granny but you need to calm down a bit, it sounds like you are trying to have our baby for yourself.

Butterymuffin · 22/02/2017 10:44

Pick a line and keep using it. Like 'We're not deciding anything yet as we don't know how things will go. We'll see when the baby's here'. And then, move to 'We're not ready for other people to have her/him overnight yet'. Just that. Don't give reasons as then they'll argue you down about why it's fine really etc. Simply say you don't want it. Repeat in broken record style. And use 'We' rather than 'I' as another poster said.

mumto2two · 22/02/2017 10:53

Oh dear...another MIL classic. Every time I see another thread like this, I am tempted to take a trip down memory lane with my own teeth grating tales of over excited overbearing grandma woes. But I shall leave it just to say, yes yes yes, you need to set some boundaries fast, and your OH should be the one making it clear, not you. In the nicest possible way of course

flumpybear · 22/02/2017 11:42

The reason I said about husband setting boundaries is that it's his mother! She'll take it better from him and keep the MiL/DiL relationship on less rocky ground! It may be that the conversation happens with you both there - probably most sensible, but family dynamics can easily alter, but blood is thicker than water so it's unlikely it'll cause huge rifts between her and her son. It might do the DiL/MiL less or no damage

xStefx · 22/02/2017 11:49

Oh god, your in for the long haul if you don't just nip this in the bud now. To be honest OP, your life would be so much easier if you just got the bollocks to learn to use the word NO! You don't have to be mean about it but just say NO THANKS

The more you use the word the more MIL will understand that your final say goes regardless. Me and Mil had a tough start, but as soon as she learnt I had my own set of balls and wouldn't tae any crap we actually get on really well now/

Original poster

AmberValentine · 22/02/2017 16:34

Thank you everyone. I know I need to stand up to her more but sometimes I feel like I'm banging my head against a deaf brick wall.
Luckily DH and I have had a good chat about how we want to parent and our rules that we want both sets of GP to abide by. So at least I know we are on a united front.

OP posts:

Alpies · 22/02/2017 17:04

Following on from my previous post on your thread, I wished people had warned me how some MILs can turn into a nightmare once baby are born. I wished I had tackled things before baby was born and made boundaries clear.

Also I really wished I had known to send the 10 rules for visiting a new baby to my MIL.

Maybe you could send it to all friends and family if you want to be subtle.

www.bellybelly.com.au/baby/10-rules-for-visiting-a-new-baby/

www.madeformums.com/baby/10-rules-for-visiting-all-mums-with-newborns-need-to-know/12387-10.html

Alpies · 22/02/2017 17:08

Also you will notice there is a huge difference between people who really help ie offer practical help to support u and make ur life easier and those whose idea of help is to take ur baby away from you so they can play mummy.

I hope you have the guts to stand up to your MIL. I pray everyday that I can be stronger. Just feel I lost the battle as I was too slow to realise what was going on and to stand up for myself. Don't let that happen to you.

Madeyemoodysmum · 22/02/2017 17:42

What a loon

Basicbrown · 22/02/2017 17:50

If my MIL had said this I would have assumed she was joking. Are you absolutely sure that isn't the case OP?

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