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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU- Dating (14&18 year old)

40 replies

user1487546656 · 19/02/2017 23:38

I just joined this site as I need some advice that I doubt many mums I know in real life will understand.

I have a 14 year old son, who told me he was gay around a year ago, which I'm totally fine with.
He also told me a fortnight ago that he had a boyfriend who he'd been with for around a month. Which I was completely fine with.
It wasn't until Thursday that I finally met this 'boyfriend' and I wouldn't exactly say I was impressed. While he seemed like a nice, respectful young man he looked much older than expected and he told me he was 18.
I've tried talking to my son about this and he said it's completely fine. When I tried to bring up the whole 'consent' talk he screamed and dramatically stormed off (which I do understand).
Note: my son is quite mature and looks older than he is.
AIBU to think my son shouldn't have a boyfriend who is an adult?!

OP posts:

SarcasmMode · 19/02/2017 23:44

No you're NBU.

He's going to want things to be serious potentially a lot sooner than your DS is ready for.

Not to say he will.

I would not push it too far at the moment so he isn't secretive about it. Where does he meet this man?

Could he be invited over so they meet in a safe environment?

INeedToEat · 19/02/2017 23:44

YANBU at all!

I have a 14 yr old DS and there is no way I'd allow him to have a relationship with an 18yr old adult.

Does he know your son is only 14?

Rhayader · 19/02/2017 23:47

That's a pretty large gap, I would be quite concerned about that - and this is coming from someone who started dating her (now) DH at 13!

Not really sure what you can do about it though - A reaction too big would just mean that you don't hear anything about it. Maybe worth pointing out that if sex was to happen it is illegal (and could carry a jail sentence for his boyfriend).

GabsAlot · 19/02/2017 23:47

erm is that even legal?

Original poster

user1487546656 · 19/02/2017 23:48

They go to the same theater club(twice a week) and the boyfriend also goes to the sixth form attached to my son's school.
Yes he knows my son is 14

OP posts:

PuddleJumper01 · 19/02/2017 23:49

Forgive me my ignorance, but doesn't it count as sexual abuse if the child is under 16? Certainly if a 14 yr old girl was having a relationship with an 18 yr old man (girl and man being legal terms for people of those ages) it would be classed as sexual abuse, with the 18 yr old potentially going on the sex offenders register.

But maybe I'm putting my perspective on what they class as a "relationship". I don't know what the status is if they're only holding hands. (although I have read "Running with Scissors"!)

Original poster

user1487546656 · 19/02/2017 23:49

It's legal as long as they don't have sex

OP posts:

INeedToEat · 19/02/2017 23:56

CSE ?

Bahh · 19/02/2017 23:56

When I was 15 I got into a relationship with a 23 year old. As an adult myself I can see now there must have been/be something wrong with him. Your DS' is a smaller gap, yes but even then it's a big difference in life stages? His BF can go clubbing, can drive, may be looking at Uni, can do all sorts of these independent things. Your DS is still in the middle of secondary school, hasn't even got to GCSEs yet, presumably still has a curfew and lives by your rules etc?

I'm not sure what you can do. My parents took the path of least resistance thinking I'd rebel if they took a hard line. I wouldn't have, I wasn't half as mature as they held me up to be. I was desperately unhappy and looking for someone I perceived to be bigger and stronger than me to take me away from it all. And he did. I ran away because I "couldn't bear to be apart from him, ever, even for a day". I cringe when I think back but at the time I genuinely thought I was deeply in love and nobody else understood. Not to put too fine a point on it, it ruined my life. I am still rebuilding. I don't know what the answers are, but I now think my parents should have called the police instead of letting it happen.

It doesn't sound like your DS and his BF are quite the same level of insane as I was, but be aware it can happen. Hormones are a confusing thing. Don't be afraid to be tough on him for his own good. The 18 year old is strange for being interested in what is essentially still a child.

HerOtherHalf · 19/02/2017 23:58

It's legal as long as they don't have sex

And the chances of them not? You may think your son is mature for his age but do you really think he is mature enough not to be dominated by this older lad? 4 years is a maasive age difference at 14. I wouldn't have accepted any of my children at 14 going out with an 18 year old regardless of gender or sexual orientation. It's not just about sex either. 18 year olds want to do a lot of things (drinking etc) that i expect you won't want your son tempted or peer pressured into.

Crispbutty · 20/02/2017 00:00

I'm going to offer an alternative opinion. I don't think the age gap is that much. I was dating boys of 17/18 when I was 14.

Another hurdle for your son will be he meets a lot less other gay friends so his romantic opportunities are fewer than the rest of his peers too.

Crispbutty · 20/02/2017 00:00

I'm going to offer an alternative opinion. I don't think the age gap is that much. I was dating boys of 17/18 when I was 14.

Another hurdle for your son will be he meets a lot less other gay friends so his romantic opportunities are fewer than the rest of his peers too.

Original poster

user1487546656 · 20/02/2017 00:02

As you say, I am worried about my son being exploited but as I said a 14 year old does not want to have that conversation with his mother.
And I'm worried if I step in too much my son will pull away and be secretive and detached.

OP posts:

AlmostAJillSandwich · 20/02/2017 00:09

Consent between 2 males for penetrative sex is 18 isn't it? I know several gay men who even in relationships don't have full sex. Plenty of men who are gay don't like the idea of anal sex, just like plenty of women and straight men don't like it. It is unfortunate for them that both being male that penetrative sex has to involve anal sex. Quite a lot actually only have oral sex, i know at 14 this is still illegal but is it really THAT bad? Your son isn't being forced or coerced, you said yourself he is mature for his age, if he loves this man, and is safe, what's the issue?

INeedToEat · 20/02/2017 00:11

Do you have a local sexual health clinic? Could you call them and ask that he's seen by the CP/LAC nurse ?

AlmostAJillSandwich · 20/02/2017 00:12

If this other lad was 15 or even 16 would you be as against it? Fact is a LOT of 14/15 year olds have sex, they feel ready and want to do it, when i was in highschool you were weird if you hadn't had sex at 15.

Original poster

user1487546656 · 20/02/2017 00:12

AlmostAJillSandwich the issue is that I don't want him to be pressured into doing anything he doesn't want to. And not just sexually.

OP posts:

nooka · 20/02/2017 00:17

My ds is almost 18 and I would be very concerned if he started a romantic relationship with a 14 year old. He is in the last year of school, preparing to leave home and most of the way toward adulthood. A 14 year old would be four years below him at school and only just past childhood. The dynamics would be worrying with a really unequal experience and power gap.

That said I can see how the relationship came to be. My dd is also active in a theatre group and is bisexual. Her first relationship (aty 14) was with an older girl from her group. Nice girl but three years older and wanting a much more serious relationship that in the end dd wasn't ready for. I supported them socialising at our house but kept quite a close eye. Difficult to know what to do otherwise really.

INeedToEat · 20/02/2017 00:17

There is no power in balance between two consenting children (age wise). There is one between a child and a man.

nooka · 20/02/2017 00:19

There is a big difference between a 14 year old dating a 16 year old compared with an 18 year old. Two years is a whole lot of growing up at that age. Plus fundamentally why is the 18 year old dating someone from an age group that he almost certainly wouldn't be hanging around with otherwise because he'd think him too young to be friends with (on a peer to peer basis)?

harleysmammy · 20/02/2017 00:20

My partners niece got a boyfriend who was 18 and she was 14, but she didnt tell anyone so no one could keep an eye on her like you can look out for your son. Things got serious too quickly as that was normal for an 18 year old, but at 14 she wasnt ready for how fast things were going but she went along with it because she "loved him" (nkw looking back she says she was stupid to think she knew what love was at 14). I knew him -didnt know about the relationship- because he was in the same rugby team as my cousin, and he was genuinely a nice and respectful lad but he was an adult, he did go on nights out and he did have a can or two with his friends, which my niece got introduced too through him. I dont think he meant to lead her astray, i think he just forgot that she was still only 14. Its practically inevitable that your sons boyfriend will want things to progress sooner than your son and he might get fed up if your son isnt ready for that.

I also dont want to sound intrusive or crude but although its not illegal for them to be together, what would happen if they did get more serious? Totally understandable that he doesnt want to talk about it with his parent but if that scenario was to happen, it would be a lot more serious. Obviously that scenario is illegal and the boyfriend could be arrested and put on the offenders register.
That might not even happen though, especially if your son is mature and knows its illegal and to say no.
I would just make sure they take it slow or maybe have a word with him about it a bit more x

Original poster

user1487546656 · 20/02/2017 00:20

I'm also starting to worry about the sleepovers my son is perpetually at. He says that he stays over at his girl friends' houses, which I'm not worried about at all. But right now I'm worried he could've been lying to me. Do you think that could be a possibility? Or am i just paranoid?

OP posts:

statetrooperstacey · 20/02/2017 00:27

I had a 19 year old boyfriend at 15, most of my friends had older boyfriends at 14/15, it wasn't unusual, most of us were having sex around then also.
But no, I wouldn't be happy if I were you either op, very awkward.

PickAChew · 20/02/2017 00:29

I think the fact that the 14yo couldn't stand around for a grown up conversation about age gaps and consent is plenty enough to worry OP. A kid of that age who was able to stick around and discus it coherently would concern me a lot less.

statetrooperstacey · 20/02/2017 00:30

I think I would try and welcome his boyfriend, that is probably the best way to monitor the situation.

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