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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU- Dating (14&18 year old)

40 replies

user1487546656 · 19/02/2017 23:38

I just joined this site as I need some advice that I doubt many mums I know in real life will understand.

I have a 14 year old son, who told me he was gay around a year ago, which I'm totally fine with.
He also told me a fortnight ago that he had a boyfriend who he'd been with for around a month. Which I was completely fine with.
It wasn't until Thursday that I finally met this 'boyfriend' and I wouldn't exactly say I was impressed. While he seemed like a nice, respectful young man he looked much older than expected and he told me he was 18.
I've tried talking to my son about this and he said it's completely fine. When I tried to bring up the whole 'consent' talk he screamed and dramatically stormed off (which I do understand).
Note: my son is quite mature and looks older than he is.
AIBU to think my son shouldn't have a boyfriend who is an adult?!

OP posts:

Original poster

user1487546656 · 20/02/2017 00:30

PickAChew At his age I wouldn't have wanted to talk with my mother about sex either so I really don't see that as a problem.

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 20/02/2017 00:33

I completely understand your concern. I also think that as long as they are not having sex, you need to step back and not interfere, difficult as that is. As you say, your son looks old for his age and there's plenty of 14 year old girls attracted to 18 year old boys and vice versa, as previous posters have said.

The 18 year old needs to know that he is at risk of prosecution as a sex offender and long term being registered as a sex offender if he has sex with a 14 year old. I would find the opportunity to drop that into the conversation when I was alone with him. And then back off.

What other things do you think your son might be pressured into?

PickAChew · 20/02/2017 00:33

Yes, talking with your parents at that age is awkward, but if the relationship isn't with someone close in age, then concern frpm directly responsible adults is not unexpected.

statetrooperstacey · 20/02/2017 00:35

I distinctly remember my mum trying to have that same conversation with me and I literally screamed to block out her words and ran from the room, the poor lad was ambushed! It's instinstinctive! In fact it's probably the law.

Original poster

user1487546656 · 20/02/2017 00:38

HeddaGarbled I'm concerned he'll be pressured into things 18 year olds do, like drinking, smoking, drugs, etc.
PickAChew I really don't think he had that sort of thought process...

OP posts:

Mynestisfullofempty · 20/02/2017 00:45

At 16 my first boyfriend was 24, so a 14 yr old with an 18 yr old seems OK to me.

Original poster

user1487546656 · 20/02/2017 01:08

As other posters have said about their experiences, I'm worried he'll think that he's "in love" with the boyfriend (which I highly doubt at his age) and therefore just go along and do what said boyfriend wants.

OP posts:

GarrulousGrimoire · 20/02/2017 01:17

I'd be checking into those sleepovers asap and at 14 I'm surprised you don't anyway.

There is something wrong with an 18yo who wants a child as a boyfriend there just is.

What you do about it I don't know.

statetrooperstacey · 20/02/2017 01:18

I don't know, he sounds pretty sure of himself? He came out to his mum no less at 13, he has told you about his boyfriend and you have met him, so far so mature and healthy really, no ?
It sounds like you and him have a good relationship so try and keep that going .

Original poster

user1487546656 · 20/02/2017 01:27

GarrulousGrimoire he goes to around 1-5 a fortnight, checking every time seemed pointless up until now as I know all his female friends well.
statetrooperstacey I agree, we have a very good relationship but he's still young and impressionable, I don't want him to be pushed to do things a little out of his depth for want of a better phrase.

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 20/02/2017 01:33

It's very difficult. I think i'd start by having bf over for tea and getting to know him tbh and take it from there.

INeedToEat · 20/02/2017 08:05

Morning. I was thinking about your situation.

Could you speak to your sons school about your concerns ? That way they can inisiate any cp process - and it would be their 'fault' and not yours?

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 22:02

YANBU

Chickoletta · 20/02/2017 22:32

Speaking as a teacher, this is definitely a CP issue. If you raise it with the school they will keep an eye and act appropriately. No need for your son to know that you flagged it up. I'd also be a bit concerned about all those sleepovers...

PuddleJumper01 · 20/02/2017 23:53

A 14 yr old having up to 5 sleepovers a fortnight sounds huge to me. I have a 15 yr old and sleepovers are rare for her in term time because she does sports on weekend mornings, but even if your kid doesn't have to get up for sport/music/church/dance/other activity I haven't thought of that's a LOT of sleepovers.

Do any of those kids come and stay at yours?

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