Overstimulated? What a load of?

[Mrsknackered]

My cousins children are really lovely kids. They're just a bit different to mine.
My eldest is happy to sit in a restaurant and eat nicely. Her children especially her youngest of the same age as my DS cannot under any circumstances do this. They are constantly interrupting anyone who speaks, various dinners get made a night in the hope to find something they eat, they're never told no, etc.
My cousin will undoubtedly every time when we are round there say "oh they are just so overstimulated", "my goodness the children must be overstimulated".
Her and her DH have used this terminology since the children were very very small.
Wtf is overstimulated? How on earth do you tell a child is overstimulated?
Do 8 year olds and 4 year olds even get overstimulated?!?!
Love her, love them, but goodness me it is getting so tiresome and everyone in the family now uses 'overstimulated' as a (lighthearted) joke behind her back!

Actually I think boundaries are VERY good for children who get easily overstimulated. But there comes a point of no return when you just have to remove them from the situation.

With ds3 reading the riot act (in a way I never would with ds2) before we went somewhere used to be a necessity. Explaining to him exactly what would happen if he started to play up & get dizzy and being utterly fierce about it.

But I had loads of practice with setting very clear boundaries for ds1 (all sorts of problems spiralled when I no longer could) so I had a lot of confidence about the 'right way' to manage an anxious overstimulated child. If ds3 had been my first, or ds2 had been my only experience of parenting I would have struggled. These children are difficult! If you haven't had to deal with it you may just be lucky. The parents may not be managing it as well as they could - but that may be because they've had no support in doing so.

Agree completely devilish. Any tips on what to do before leaving? (Apart from issuing threats about leaving!) It doesn't happen often and now he's 4, ds1 will often just come to me and say he's had enough, but good to get advice from someone experienced. Feung calm and confident about it nb, which sounds like where Op's sis is falling down perhaps.

The thing is that if I removed DD from every situation in which I know she is going to get over stimulated she would never see her friends or her family.

I'm afraid you are all going to have to put up with the occasional 'naughty' kid because I'm not keeping her locked up to avoid your feelings, or mine when you judge me.

morphene I think if she's not in a state or hurting herself/others then you wouldn't be expected to leave. I think if a child is any of those then the fair thibg to the child is to remove them, not for the satisfaction of others.

It's just a word for excitable, isn't it? While they sound like a pain in the arse like mine, they don't sound abnormal.

I said on another thread, you either have a child that wants to sit still or you don't. Yes, there are strategies you can try and some work and some don't and, if they do work, it's usually not overnight and it's usually harder in a stressful situation as above

Family I'd be more likely to stay. I expect family to show much more tolerance towards ds1 than the public for example. He has no awareness of social expectations at all - zero.

Mikado - not really. In ds3's case once he'd gone he'd gone. It was really a case of getting in there first. Before we'd even set foot in the place. Once the fist began to curl and he got a certain look on his face I knew screaming if some sort wasn't far behind & I had to get his rigid little body out of there! Books did help once he could read as he will happily curl up with a book for hours. I still get him to take them to family meals now (and he's 12).

We have to do the same with FIFA now - he totally lost control on it so was banned for a week. Given a very stern talking to before going back on about how he needs to behave if he wants to stay on it. Then just follow through. I do also congratulate him when I see him self regulating. But for him the clear boundary before going anywhere helps him self regulate.

I don't remove mine if he is hurting himself unless it is persistent. He often has a few minutes slapping himself before he calms down.

Thank you devilish for replying, you seem to have it in hand. It's not a problem here as such but definitely self reg something I keep an eye on and try to support him with.

tbf on the op she isn't talking about isolated incidents here she is talking about these parents saying about most situations. we have all been there with a kid who is high as a kite from being at a party or where ever and they are bouncing off wallls with being over stimulated

Mrsjayy - ds3 was like it a lot. Pretty much every time we went anywhere.

Mikado- it was definitely a case of trial & error with him. Often got it wrong - and he can still be tricky! I found Stanley Greenspan's book The challenging child helpful in understanding what was going on with him. He does have some mild hearing & vision problems - neither should be enough to cause a problem on their own but I do wonder whether combined they just make it difficult to deal with more than one or two people at a time.

ADHD didn't exist 50 years ago

Whoever said that needs to share it with my cousin. He is now diagnosed in his 50s. He had terrible problems as a child and ended up in a special school (the reason you didn't see kids badly behaved in classrooms...these kids were segregated away).

My cousin has Aspergers and ADHD, when he was a child in the 60s/70s they didn't have a term for it. ..apart from "mental".

My child has autism and ADHD too, he is also in a special school because he has moderate learning difficulties. He has always behaved well in school and as he is getting older he copes better in restaurants,. We do take an iPad for before and after we eat. Before helps him cope with the wait and after allows us to have a coffee.

OP, don't know if your relatives children have any SEN...they may or may not. Either way kids needs boundaries, DS has very firm boundaries around him which helps keep him safe and also saves my sanity. There are places I don't take him and places I do.

I imagine having three boisterous and hard to contain children is a nightmare though. I struggle with just the one.

Lots of children these days are overstimulated to the point where they are unable to amuse or occupy themselves (hence why these particular children may struggle to sit still in a restaurant). I work with children and see firsthand how much trouble some children can get themselves into purely because they expect others to occupy their attention. When they don't get the constant attention or distraction they need some children will find negative ways to get this attention. It sounds like your cousin's kids are suffering from over stimulation hence some of the behaviours you have mentioned.