Overstimulated? What a load of?

[Mrsknackered]

My cousins children are really lovely kids. They're just a bit different to mine.
My eldest is happy to sit in a restaurant and eat nicely. Her children especially her youngest of the same age as my DS cannot under any circumstances do this. They are constantly interrupting anyone who speaks, various dinners get made a night in the hope to find something they eat, they're never told no, etc.
My cousin will undoubtedly every time when we are round there say "oh they are just so overstimulated", "my goodness the children must be overstimulated".
Her and her DH have used this terminology since the children were very very small.
Wtf is overstimulated? How on earth do you tell a child is overstimulated?
Do 8 year olds and 4 year olds even get overstimulated?!?!
Love her, love them, but goodness me it is getting so tiresome and everyone in the family now uses 'overstimulated' as a (lighthearted) joke behind her back!

Being disabled doesn't stop anyone being a disablist.

I think your relative is using the word to excuse behaviour it is a get out for her children which is a shame your cousin isn't doing her kids any favours by letting them constantly behave like this.

Oh wow ADHD didn't exist 50 years ago

Ha ha ha ha at I'myourmama. Stir stir stir.

OP I have 3 kids. Eldest is severely autistic (I'm your mama probably thinks that is made up as well) & can very overstimulated very quickly.

Middle son is and always has been perfect Peter.

Youngest is NT but was a nightmare until he learned to read. I suspect he finds busy places with lots of socialisation difficult & anxiety inducing. he's now able to cope better with it - but until about 10 had to lose himself in a book at big events.

I think YANBU, since if the children are overstimulated, or just can't handle situations for some reason, the parents should be trying to avoid trigger situations, not persisting with restaurant outings, etc., which keep going wrong.

My life has become a lot smaller through doing this with DS , but that's one of the life-costs of parenting!

Why do you care? Maybe she thinks your children are stifled.

I'm sure children do get over stimulated but we probably just used to call it 'hyper' however it sounds like they use the term far too easily and as an excuse not to use any discipline!

You could try to address it with her from a caring angle - cooking multiple meals is ridiculous use of her time and no good for her or the children in the long run! But it depends on the sort of relationship you have, and whether you think she'd actually listen.

I have an 11 week old and a 2.5 year old. Babies obviously get over stimulated. And I definitely find that my 2.5 year old gets over stimulated. Saying that, when we have family dinners with grandparents and aunties and uncles...even the adults get over stimulated!

My mum ends up going a bit hyper and scatty. My sister and I too. And my partner and brother in law always disappear to a different room for a bit of quiet after a while. Kids are the same. Too much going on and happy turns to hyper and cheeky turns to downright tricksy little beasts.

And things you think are bad behaviour, they might not. Just because other parents are telling their children off for similar behaviour, doesn't mean they see it the same way. I HATE people telling of my kid for things I don't think are a problem at all! Other people saying 'no we don't do that.' Or 'stop spinning in circles and sit quietly'. Erm actually we do do that, and id quite like to spin in circles too so shut up.

Don't judge other people's parenting just because it isn't the same as your own. I also try to take a positive approach and 'over stimulated' is something. I would say. And I definitely don't have a naughty child compared to some people's children who are patented so strictly. Each to their own.

As for ASD and ADHD being nonsense, I think those and other conditions are very unfairly catching flack from people using them as a fig leaf without diagnosis...

My brother's children become wildly overexcited at family events and meals etc unless they are very carefully managed and given a lot of attention. Unfortunately their parents are very lax about this and genuinely don't seem to mind that literally it's impossible to get one sentence out before being interrupted.

I now pre plan any events myself. After a fiasco last Christmas I decided that I wasn't going to have my Christmas spoiled by screaming, shouting and stropping due to over excitement and lack of basic parenting controls. So I planned a series of things that involved the DC but did not allow them to take over and also took along a bunch of craft stuff which they enjoyed. It was so, so much better than the year before for everyone, not least the DC. They do need a lot of help with regulating their emotions and if their parents can't see that then I'm happy to step in.

Having said that I am very, very close to these DC and the parents so there is no resentment. Funnily enough I think they think I have some special talent....not so much, just an application of common sense.

ADHD didn't exist 50 years ago. -

It did. Kids who had it were just labelled naughty or difficult then.
My oldest brother had typical ADHD and ASD from my parents description.

He couldn't sleep and they had to take it in turns to be up most of the night with him. He went utterly crazy after drinking orange squash. He was on the go all the time, fidgeting, unable to sit still, pay attention. When he was older he would then hyper concentrate on things and would practice the same bar of a piece of music for 4 hours at a time. He would obsess over certain things - car bonnets/boots being opened and closed and would scream if someone refused to keep opening for them. He'd wrap wool round the furniture legs. He would flap and clap his hands when he turned the water tap on.

He was called a very naughty little boy.

It was only when awareness of ADHD and ASD grew he was able to diagnose himself in adulthood. So I would argue that these conditions absolutely existed 50 years ago as my brother is 65.

I don't think you're necessarily being unreasonable, OP. Context is everything. Just because overstimulation is a thing, that doesn't mean that your cousin's dc are actually overstimulated every time they misbehave. Looking idly on every time one's dc misbehave and blithely saying "Oh dear, they're overstimulated" is a cop out. So if that's really what's happening YANBU. If, however, you are exaggerating about how often this happens and feeling smug about your own dc, then YABU!

I agree with you op, in the scenarios you describe, 'overstimulated' is probably being misused.

Of course children get overstimulated or 'hyped up'/ overexcited in certain environments. Our 6yo ds is very high energy and has never sat still or quietly playing with colouring books and crayons when we've gone out for meals with him. Believe me, we're not permissive parents and prior to ds we really enjoyed our meals out! He's not a naughty child either, yet without fail whenever we take him out for meals, they're invariably punctuated by us moving condiments to the other end of the table out of his reach and us constantly telling him to stop playing with his knife and fork/ napkin, sit down, sit still etc etc.

We've finally discovered the ipad for meals out (something we said, prior to children, we'd never do!) as it's the only thing that allows us to have a peaceful meal without constant battles. Lots of children, and parents, struggle with behaviour at the dinner table - but not as a result of over stimulation. Some children are simply too fidgety and have a low boredom threshold. I always envied my dsis with my dniece! A model child, always sits perfectly at the table.

The other things you describe do sound like the dc lack boundaries and are being excused for their behaviour.

Crumbs1 you sound horrible! You say ghastly soft play areas...which most children love and is a great experience for them. Yet taking children to a probably dull as fuck restaurant and then they get 'above themselves' by being children. Wtf is 'above themselves'?! Daring to talk? Saying they're bored? Above themselves...what a joke.

Ok I concede defeat they may exist but the terms are hugely overused to excuse shit parenting

But it's not an excuse, it's a reason! A very valid reason as to why the children act up

It so is an excuse. The reason they act up is that their parents aren't stopping them acting up! If your children are "overstimulated", you remove them from the stimulation or remove the stimulation from them. You don't sit there doing nothing waffling about how they always get overstimulated.

Why are people so quick to defend bad parenting? Is it because they think its directed at them?

I used to feel quite smug about being able to take my child anywhere and she'd happily sit there. Then at about a year and a half, this changed. Sometimes things like eating out would be fine, other times, we couldn't do anything with her to the point where we'd have to leave and go home. We put it down to being tired, coming down with something. When she got to pre-school, they referred her for diagnosis and it looks like the final opinion is going to be that of autism.

Since knowing this and having strategies in place to help her cope, she's a different child. Yes, she DOES get overstimulated and if that happens, it turns into a meltdown. Now we've learnt to see it coming and do something calming instead. Also, preparing her for what to expect before we go places has helped enormously.

I don't feel smug anymore as I know what it's like to be that parent that's desperately embarrassed while trying to calm their 'naughty' child while everyone around is tutting and moaning under their breath.

There is no may about they do exist and the children who have them can't be forced to behave like good children

Thats completely different though, when a child has a genuine reason for certain behaviours.
That doesn't change anything though when talking about children who don't (and yes I know, you can never tell, don't judge etc, they may have hidden issues....but if every badly behaved child had hidden issues the way its suggested on here, there would hardly be a kid left in the country without)

If my son is getting overstimulated to the point of being distressed I remove him for his sake. If he is coping by doing non dangerous things that may annoy others he stays. He is entitled to a life too and he will have this difficulty for the rest of his life.

There are a whole load of children with these kind of issues in the HE group we are a part of.

The normal progression is, have fun for the first 30 mins in new or social environment, then start to over heat, start to cause trouble, cease to be able to listen, then lie on the floor screaming with both hands over ears.

In most cases you give up and take the child out the situation before the screaming on the floor part - which leaves the delightfully smug arses around you to decide you are just another shit parent.

I will confess to letting it run full course just the once at a family gathering and was disheartened by the number of people who got in touch later to say 'oh we didn't realise it was so serious, we thought she was just a bit high maintenance'. Well I guess they get it now, so not all bad.

This thread has reminded me of a time we were leaving a soft play a year or so ago. Ds (3) was so 'overstimulated' 'overtired' that he was actually like someone delirious , he was so distressed with it. Some might have looked on at the naughty, badly parented child who never heard no, but luckily I knew to say nothing and carried him out, hugged him outside in cool air until he calmed down (5mins or less) and popped him in the car. Done. A bit of understanding towards children is a great thing imo. Like a pp I also get a but hyper late at night ha!

Op you dont want to confront your cousin you will still see them you know she is going to be saying this right into teenhood can you cope with that ?

Some parents refuse to parent their children effectively in fear of upsetting them or making them unhappy but ime children look for guidence and boundry and your cousin isn't giving her dc that I don't think which is a real shame.

IME overstimulated is an adjective that is used a lot in the gentle parenting circles. It can be loosely translated as "my child is acting up and I'm making excuses about it".

Of course anyone can get overstimulated, but if three NT are constantly overstimulated then the parents need to reassess their lifestyle or see a paediatrician.

DISCLAIMER: I am certainly not worthy of any parenting accolades so not being smug/judgey.

Could it not be 'my cgikd is acting up and I understand why'? The key element then being moving in to help said child, not letting it continue.