Overstimulated? What a load of?

[Mrsknackered]

My cousins children are really lovely kids. They're just a bit different to mine.
My eldest is happy to sit in a restaurant and eat nicely. Her children especially her youngest of the same age as my DS cannot under any circumstances do this. They are constantly interrupting anyone who speaks, various dinners get made a night in the hope to find something they eat, they're never told no, etc.
My cousin will undoubtedly every time when we are round there say "oh they are just so overstimulated", "my goodness the children must be overstimulated".
Her and her DH have used this terminology since the children were very very small.
Wtf is overstimulated? How on earth do you tell a child is overstimulated?
Do 8 year olds and 4 year olds even get overstimulated?!?!
Love her, love them, but goodness me it is getting so tiresome and everyone in the family now uses 'overstimulated' as a (lighthearted) joke behind her back!

Though yes, as others say, there is also bad behaviour which children also need help in managing. If a child is refusing all options in a restaurant or won't eat what they have selected, then they shouldn't be given lots of other choices instead. That's just setting them up to be demanding and spoiled imo. If you don't eat what you've chosen, then you don't get to keep choosing other things till you find something you like. Things like that are not about over-stimulation usually I don't think. Just pushing the boundaries.

My goodness, I hit some nerves.
It was poorly written by myself - I was trying not to write a massive post!
But I will not refuse dinner out with them and i am not offended by her children but they can make situations very difficult!
It is not only dinners out that was an example. It can be as simple as in their own home, a child won't share with another one of the cousins and rather than them being pulled up on it, they are given some sort of snack and we are all told 'they're overstimulated'.
She is so lovely as is her DH, but in my opinion it is an overused excuse and I wouldn't bring it up with her because I would hate to offend her! Tiredness definitely brings out the worst in myself and children but I wouldn't excuse my sons poor behaviour with 'he's overtired'.

Well this is going as expected.

My children were horrid to take out to dinner for years and it's because it's usually pretty boring. Also a lot of pressure on them to behave can often have the opposite effect. I'm very easily excitable and I am sure I am annoying. I get really excited when I am in company and enjoy myself which is probably quite full on. So do my kids. So I don't often tell them off if they aren't actually being naughty.

I hate telling my kids off constantly, it's just as wearing as over excited behaviour. They might be irritating but my parenting is as long as they aren't physically harming themselves or anyone, then I just let them be themselves. Sorry if that annoys other diners who expect no child like behaviours. I wouldn't let them run around and I do try to calm them if they got too excited and OTT but I wouldn't be disciplining them for being kids. Some kids are rambuncious and I love this about mine. They are polite and happy that's what matters, I don't care what other people think of me or them

I don't think the OP sounds bitchy. If the parents have been calling them "overstimulated" since they were very young then it sort of becomes self-fulfilling that they'll behave badly - there's always been a handy excuse. I have a (lovely) friend whose DCs were always, always "overtired" when actually they were just pushing their luck. My own kids have been right little horrors at times and I can see the attraction of blaming this or that but sometimes you just have to admit they're behaving badly, because all children will do so at some stage.

Of course being overstimulated is a real thing, especially for babies, also for shy, introverted kids / people and those with ASD. I can suffer from it myself if there's too much noise/too many people and it makes me feel stressed and ratty.

But, also of course there are some parents who don't want to tell their kids what to do or tell them off, who will just use it as an excuse. She's maybe just got into the habit of saying that so she doesn't have to admit her kids might be being a PITA. Or maybe she says that when other people are there because she can't face getting tough on her DC and causing everyone embarrassment and awkwardness.

Don't start me with sharing!
I think this is clearly different parenting styles, who is to say either of you are right or wrong?
I don't know why kids are forced into sharing things? It doesn't really make any sense to me. Just play with something else and have a turn later on. You could equally say a child demanding sharing is being awkward to the child who has the item, yet it's the child with the item that is expected to concede not the child who wants what they can't have. I always taught my kids to share when they wish to not because someone tells them they must

one of my children used to get really overstimulated- can't cope with crowds, noise, parties etc. His natural instinct is to hide / cry (this has improved) but as a small child it'd be tantrums/screaming etc and on occasion hiding under furniture screaming. We avoid these circumstances now and things are better. The others (parented the same) don't behave like this, they also don't walk through busy shopping centres weeping/hiding behind bins/benches etc because the people there are all too much. Must've just broken that kid eh?

So the parents often say the children are overstimulated, they have trouble sitting, are fussy eaters. There may well be something going on there other than parenting (which may be cause or effect of the issues you describe). If the children did have any additional needs would they tell you so you could judge and make in jokes about them? Probably not.

I do agree OP that I do get wound up with people misusing something perfectly reasonable as an excuse for their own child's poor behaviour.

I do think 'overstimulated' is a Thing, like being too wound up and over excited and it's time for a chill. BUT as something as a parent that's under our control. My DS gets a bit hyper and silly if he spends too much time running about with his older cousins. But it's my responsibility to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't get too silly. Every now and again I insist he sits down quietly to do something else like stickers or puzzles or something for 15mins. I might then give him a drink and snack while he's sitting down. Subtle difference or same thing as what you refer to OP?

However, my biggest annoyance is parents of boys blaming their child's 'boisterous' behaviour on just being a boy!!! I have a 3 year son. But it's ridiculous to think it's OK to let him not listen, run off, not hold hands when crossing the road, jump on the sofa, hit, kick, shout, take toys off another child and just shrug and say "oh well, boys will be boys". Yes boys may tend towards different things, but it's no excuse for letting them get away with bad behaviour!

Sorry rant over. Maybe I need to socialise with parents of girls more :-)

I agree I would just distract from silly behaviour rather than a reprimand

When children are away from their home or normal routine, for example doing things with you or the other family occasions you've mentioned then yes they can very easily become excited and overstimulated and just not their ordinary selves. So she could be saying it because that's not always their normal behaviour with her? I would try not to judge, it won't help.

Overstimulated is an actual thing, but often its just shorthand for badly behaved children. Same with overtired (is that even a thing? Surely there is just tired and more tired?). Same with "sugar rush" (doesn't even exist).

Of course some children have real issues (I have one with, I know) but not all that claim them,

Isn't the point that, if the children are overstimulated, you need to reduce the level of stimulation? So, turn off the TV, lower lighting, remove other screens etc., perhaps have calming music? It's not an excuse, it is a problem.

Sometimes I joke that my DH is 'overtired' if he gets stressed out.
Here's a link to a probably rubbish article about overstimulation.
reset.me/story/overstimulation-taming-a-modern-problem-that-leads-to-anxiety/

So the first post is all 'furrowed brow, what can this term mean?' faux innocence. By the third post OP reveals her hand fully - she thinks her cousin is a crap parent - or at least not as good as her. With a side order of pass agg 'she is lovely but...' Nice one.

As an adult do you always want to eat what is given to you, do you ever interrupt when someone else is speaking, especially if you have something so exciting to tell everyone? Personally I would rather a happy chatty child than one who just sits there not engaging.
So yabu, he's four and finding his confidence

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time here OP.

I understand your frustration. I have a relative who has badly behaved children. No SN, no other issues. They are just badly behaved - it's particularly embarrassing in public places.

The reason for the bad behaviour is down to weak parenting. The children are well behaved anywhere there are firm rules and boundaries e.g. in school, at Grandparents (without their parents) and at my house (without their parents)

The parents are lovely. But they didn't believe in "no" when the DC were young and are now sadly reaping the results.

It makes going out with them very difficult and my DC (who are younger) hate going to dinner or bowling or swimming or to a museum with them because it's always awful. The parents always just say "they are so spirited".

It's a shame because the DC are lovely kids when they are behaving.

It's difficult imv as once the damage is done (child feels no need to behave or consider anyone else in the vicinity ) it is Hard in public to correct. As behaviour will escalate and DCs will take advantage at least until they are old enough to threaten or bribe.
It can start due to excitable child rather than just just lazy parents or both parents working long hours so harder to discipline for short time with DCs. Also I think DPs are used to it and don't realise how infuriating it is for other adults around.

I know exactly what you mean OP. We have family friends who do the same. In public situations they try and avoid any sort of conflict with their child by never saying no to anything. Subsequently you get a child who is badly behaved and parents using phrases like 'overstimulated/overtired' as if that absolves them of any parenting responsibilities.

It's not the same as saying the child is overstimulated so I'll take her outside for a bit or he is overtired I'll try to put him down for a nap. It's as if everyone else is supposed to say oh that's ok then, she can carry on pulling my hair/throwing his food/running around a busy restaurant it's not bad behaviour after all.

I get overstimulated, it's horrible and makes me irritable. Different children are different yours may find it easy to sit quietly in a restaurant and hers may struggle with it. Just as her kids may be way better at maths than your kids. Sounds like they could have some sensory difficulties if eating is such a problem.

Also Trifleorbust is right - you reduce the stimulation. If a meal out in a restaurant is all too much after a day out just go home and go out for a meal a different time.

It could also be OP's cousin's kids are worse when she's around. If her parents are aware they're being judged their more likely to just appease their kids, and make excuses to avoid a scene.

But it's not an excuse, it's a reason! A very valid reason as to why the children act up. Your sister is having to give this behaviour a label when she's amongst all of you, presumably because she feels insecure and self conscious about it. From your description of your family's reaction I can understand why she feels like this about the perfectly usual behaviour from her children, you all sound unsupportive and mean.

Maybe organise some things that her children would enjoy rather than putting them into situations that they can't handle. Clearly, this happens a lot as your family now have a running joke about it.

Be supportive! I'm not sure why you need a bunch of strangers on here to tell you how awful this all sounds. You've said how much you love your sister, it sounds like she's struggling. They all sound very anxious, and anxiety lives and thrives in a cycle that's very hard to break, the break usually starts when someone steps in and changes something about the situation. Maybe you could do that next time you see things start to escalate? Take one of them off to somewhere quiet, or for a walk or something.

Is overstimulated (I always called it overtired when DD was little and playing up), the new "spirited"???
Seriously though, YAB a little U, but not totally.

contractor6: Oh don't be so fast. They're not adults, so we don't treat them like adults.

And of course no-one expects perfection. The problems lie where no-one is laying down any expectations at all, when the children aren't mature enough to set their own boundaries like adults can.