AIBU to leave him for his own good?

[babybitchface]

DH and I have been together 10 years, married 3. Prior to marriage we had a long discussion about children, I was on the fence, he really wanted them. I agreed to potentially 2, but with a have one and we'll see caveat, he agreed.

We had DS last year. I love DS but hate being a mum, had a dreadful birth and never want another child ever. I know I'm done. DH still desperately wants another. DS is 18months. I have said on several occasions that I don't want any more, I don't like being a mum, don't want to bring a child I don't want in to the world etc etc. DH is understandably devastated. I don't get the whole 'desperately wanting kids' thing, I didn't get broody for DS, so whilst I can be empathetic, I certainly don't get where he's coming from.

I'm keeping him from the one thing he desperately wants. We've discussed splitting up so that he can have a family with someone else but he doesn't want to do that, doesn't want to have to explain that to DS when he's older. I also think he's secretly thinking I'll change my mind, despite me being clear I won't.

I don't want him to leave me, I love him very, very much. But not enough to have another child I don't want.

I worry that he'll resent me over time, when it is too late for him to start another family (he has clear ideas of when he'd consider himself too old). I am considering leaving him so that he can pursue his dreams and I can stop feeling guilty (he isn't deliberately feeling guilty but his desire for a second child is palpable).

I just don't know what to do for the best.

Baby, your post is so honest. If I were you, I would get myself sterilised , for sure. Your DH, needs to know, that you mean what you say, and will definitely not be giving birth again, ever.
You a good Mum to your DS, and to all intents and purposes, have a happy marriage.
In my opinion, you're DH is being selfish, under the circumstances. I understand his disappointment, but life doesn't always go as planned.
If he truly cannot begin to accept this, then staying together, for you, will be miserable, in the long run. There will be times, he throws it back in your face. I suggest you do go for counselling, particularly for your DH, it may help him to understand your decision, to see things from your perspective.
It isn't anyone's fault, it's just unfortunate.
I really hope it works out for you. 💐

I think i would consider leaving him solely for the fact that despite being told clearly you wont be having another child he still continually says you will. How fucking insensitive is that? I know how much wanting a child hurts - i left my first dh whom i adored because he decided he didn't want children. What i didn't do was listen to him, nod, then carry on mentioning 'when we have a baby'

Why do you think he is doing that op? Does he think he will wear you down? Because he just might - but not in the way he wants.

I was similarly damaged by my first dc and dh, despite wanting more told me if i said i couldn't do it again he totally understood and would never mention it again. Fortunately for him i did want more. But it was entirely my choice.

If i were you i'd spell it out again and explain that if he mentions it again i'd be leaving as he clearly wasn't taking me seriously or showing me respect.

Good luck op. Can i just say too as an aside, my scar tissue and pelvic floor is much better now 4.5 years on, so there is hope for you to return to the activities you love.

Slightly off topic but have you tried vagina weights to help with the incontinence?

It's hard fir both if you, but it's the getting the message across to him, and his refusal to accept it, that is the problem. You are going to have to be tougher.
Get angry or upset. Refuse to discuss it after you reiterate its not going to happen. Acknowledge that it is hard for him and that he needs to grieve for the child he won't have, but do whatever you need to to hammer it home. Tell him you will understand if he feels he needs to leave, but that if he continues it will eventually frustrate you so much that you may be forcing him to leave. Get emotional about how his attitude is affecting you. If you don't, then he will continue indefinitely in the hope you will change your mind.

I remember as a child overhearing my aunt talk about her 3 year old son, she said "little B..ger, I never wanted him" I was only 8 at the time and remember talking to my mum and sister about what I had heard and was really shocked/upset. I felt sorry for her son, but I think she meant like you, she didn't enjoy motherhood. She is a loving mother to my cousin and a loving grandmother, but was having an 'adult conversation about hating parenthood' that I shouldn't have been privy too.

I would say you have been very honest and open with your DH but my guess is he loves you and your DS more than his desire for another child. Hope it all works out OP X

I agree with counselling for both of you, your DH needs to understand that you really mean what you say.

You also sound like you need counselling by yourself to deal with the traumatic birth and ongoing problems, particularly if you have exhausted all medical avenues through your GP etc. It sounds like an awful ordeal and I would need significant help to deal with it all.

As for having another child, if you are done, you are done. It is something only you can know.

I struggle with the parenting aspect, there are lots of times I think of how much easier it would be to have no children and be able to be selfish again... and yet I'm pregnant with number 3.

No idea why, I have horrible pregnancies and struggle with sleep deprivation, but I just knew I was not done.

DH wants a 4th, and whilst my head knows that we can't really cope with a 4th, and I certainly can't cope with another pregnancy, there are days when my heart goes "just one more".

Sensibly I know we need to stop at three and I'm hoping I can stick to that!

Also parenting of my eldest has become a lot more enjoyable since she turned 4. So I'm beginning to look forward to parenting when our youngest gets to that stage.

Hopefully as your DS gets older, the parenting aspect won't be as difficult for you, and you can get some time to yourself back.

I hope you are ok and that some of the opinions on this thread have not upset you. Xx

nanny0gg did you read my OP? It is me suggesting I leave, not him. He doesn't wan to leave, precisely for the reason you say.

Exactly. So you are making another choice for him he doesn't want.

I always think the one who doesn't want the child has the casting vote, however sad it is for the other person, and the other person makes their decision based on that vote.

Maybe both of you could go to counselling to come to terms with whatever he needs to do following your decision.

Right so counselling it is then.

I get you pig that does make sense.

Glad I'm not a total freak.

I'll sit down and talk to DH soon.

I'm sorry if what I said earlier upset you. I didn't mean to imply that men don't have a right to refuse to have children as well; of course nobody of either gender should be pressured or forced into parenthood. I was simply trying to find a phrasing that I thought might work in communicating your feelings to your husband; and since you are the woman, it seemed appropriate to point out that it's your body that will take the brunt (again), and he cannot assume that you will do it.

How fortunate it is for men that if they decide they dislike being a father, there is absolutely no need to announce it to the world. The vast majority of childcare is done by women anyway and the man simply works later hours, finds an absorbing hobby or hides himself away in the garage or garden shed.

OP, you should not have another child if you don't want one. There have been reverse situations on here where the DH has not wanted another child and the poster is told that she can't force him nor should she trick him into having another. I would have thought that holds true for you tenfold, its your body and life that will be massively impacted upon.

You've given him one thing he desperately wanted - a child - now it's your turn to get what you desperately want - that is your body and life back to how you want them.

So your DH has a choice.

I wish you the very best of luck