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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to leave him for his own good?

110 replies

babybitchface · 19/02/2017 19:52

DH and I have been together 10 years, married 3. Prior to marriage we had a long discussion about children, I was on the fence, he really wanted them. I agreed to potentially 2, but with a have one and we'll see caveat, he agreed.

We had DS last year. I love DS but hate being a mum, had a dreadful birth and never want another child ever. I know I'm done. DH still desperately wants another. DS is 18months. I have said on several occasions that I don't want any more, I don't like being a mum, don't want to bring a child I don't want in to the world etc etc. DH is understandably devastated. I don't get the whole 'desperately wanting kids' thing, I didn't get broody for DS, so whilst I can be empathetic, I certainly don't get where he's coming from.

I'm keeping him from the one thing he desperately wants. We've discussed splitting up so that he can have a family with someone else but he doesn't want to do that, doesn't want to have to explain that to DS when he's older. I also think he's secretly thinking I'll change my mind, despite me being clear I won't.

I don't want him to leave me, I love him very, very much. But not enough to have another child I don't want.

I worry that he'll resent me over time, when it is too late for him to start another family (he has clear ideas of when he'd consider himself too old). I am considering leaving him so that he can pursue his dreams and I can stop feeling guilty (he isn't deliberately feeling guilty but his desire for a second child is palpable).

I just don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Thattimeofyearagain · 19/02/2017 22:24

Op its your body , your life, your feelings. I get that you can adore your child but hate being a mum. I have no real advice though- its your dh that needs to decide what he will do.

tabithakitty · 19/02/2017 23:10

Another one here who is happy with one, although I do actually enjoy being a parent I don't want another child and I just feel like I'm done.

It is a shame for your DH but you have been honest and that is all anybody can ask. I think it might be premature for you to leave your marriage - as others have said, perhaps with some time to grieve he may come to accept things as they are.

It's a very tricky situation, I hope you guys find some resolution.

BusterGonad · 20/02/2017 03:49

I just want to say I understand how you feel Op, I love my son dearly but being a parent is very hard work, I too had a traumatic birthing experience, my son was born extremely premature, it didn't take a toll on my body but I watched him fight for his life for 3 months and I too couldn't go through that again, and too make it harder I now think he has ADD issues so the simplest things can be a nightmare. Sometimes I wish going out for day trips were easier and simple things like his school life were easier but they are not, me and my husband can't really go out together as he hates being babysat and it's just hard. I envy people with easy children, it doesn't mean I don't love my son but it does mean that being g a parent isn't easy for me and that's why I don't always enjoy it and don't want another.

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/02/2017 04:18

Gosh, it's perfectly normal to love your child but really, really, really not enjoy parenting,

I'm surprised you're getting a hard time about that, OP.

For those giving the OP a hard time - stop. What the OP describes is very, very normal!

I'm not sure what to advise. I'd be gutted to have stopped at one, but I wouldn't have wanted to spilt up with my DH over it, either.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 20/02/2017 05:22

I sympathise massively op, i've known since i was very young i never wanted children. Sure i played with dolls, but i began suffering from OCD aged 5, all about toilets, using the toilet, bodily fluid germs etc. It got worse as i got older, and before i hit puberty i knew i'd never cope with a baby and i hated the thought of having one. My biggest fear is incontinence, i could never cope with it, i couldn't handle peeing every half hour (with OCD it takes me 45 mins to go) or the baby kicking my bladder and causing me to wet myself, or the post birth "accidents" when sneezing/running/jumping etc. Nor could i handle having to change nappies, the wees/poos they do mid change that go everywhere, nappy leaks, potty training, bed wetting, the fact they stick their hands down their own nappies, and have no sense of clean and dirty and will touch anything, and not being able to control if they wash their hands after the toilet once they get older.
Stretchmarks i have anyway due to rapid weight gain, i'm already overweight, and tired all the time from the constant rituals and stress of having an anxiety disorder. Having a child would be a literal living nightmare for me. IF i hadn't developed OCD maybe i would feel differently, but i don't feel robbed of the chance to be a mum because i honestly have never felt any desire to be one.
I get that it's a very rare thing though, something like 85% of women have at least 1 child in their lifetime, and the 15% that don't consists of those who physically can't have children, those who were capable but left it too late, and those who just don't want them.
Every woman i know who has children considers them to be her greatest achievement in life. They're her whole world, the best thing she ever did, had always wanted kids, she adores them, and many can't wait for grand children. It must be so alien to them that some women don't want children. That how adamant they were that they wanted children, someone else feels just as adamantly about NOT having children.

It's not easy, they think something is "wrong" with you, so many people see the point of life is to have a family, they just can't see any other opinion. It's incredibly brave of you to be so open about how you feel, and your husband went in to your relationship and subsequent marriage knowing you might not have a child at all, and that IF you did, it was an absolute maximum of two, with the second only even considered if you enjoyed motherhood and were willing to go through pregnancy and child birth again, which you aren't.

He went in to this arrangement with his eyes wide open. Expecting you to have another child you do not want is unfair, he knew this scenario was a possibility, and the fact he's begging you to not go for sterilisation means he isn't respecting your feelings and hopes to change your mind, wear you down etc to have another child. You love each other, but he needs to also respect you, your body, and your decision that a second child is something you just don't want. I wouldn't leave him for the sake of giving him the chance of having a family with someone else, there's no saying he'd find someone he loved and wanted children with, or that they were able to conceive, or that their relationship wouldn't fall apart. He could end up being a part time dad to your son and that's it, worse than the situation hes in now. I would however, sit him down, make it perfectly clear that you will not be having any more children, and that you're booking for sterilisation. You respect he will be upset, and its not what he wanted, but he also needs to respect that it needs BOTH of you to want another child, and you just don't. If he still tries to pressure you, guilt trip you etc, i'd leave. If you stay together and further down the line he starts taking it out on you, treating you badly etc, again i'd leave. I'd refuse to feel guilty about not wanting to grow, birth and care for another baby, another life, as it is the biggest decision there is for a person and it isn't right for you.

Ponderingprivately · 20/02/2017 05:56

In some ways you are both in a tricky position. You don't enjoy parenting at the moment - your DS is very young and it's a difficult age- ds is the same age. When dd was little I was adamant she'd be the only child bit from 2.5 onwards she was so different and I loved parenting her. You might enjoy parenting more when ds is a bit older. Could you and your dh agree to talk in a year rather than make huge life decisions either way when your ds is so little? If you and he still feel the same in a year then perhaps counselling or even breaking up would be right , but right now perhaps you could both work on enjoying each other and what you have.

stevie69 · 20/02/2017 06:03

tingly - I know I'm a parent forever, I just don't know how to address it or change how I feel. The couple of people I have confided in are shocked I feel how I do and say they would never have suspected. I really really hope DS never finds out. He was (and is) wanted. It isn't him I don't like, it is the role and (selfishly) the affect it has had on my body, my life and my career, which I appreciate is selfish, which was one of my reasons for not really wanting children in the first place, I am a naturally selfish person, but I recognise that and do try to compensate for it/ act unselfishly but it is a natural trait of mine.

You're not selfish, OP, not at all. You're refreshingly open, honest and truthful as far as I can see.

As for advice, well I really don't think think that you should have another child to please someone else. I don't think that that's the best way forward for any of the parties concerned.

Much love and hugs, whatever you decide. I wish you strength.

S xxx

Trifleorbust · 20/02/2017 06:04

Oh put down the pearls, some people! She is just being honest.

PollytheDolly · 20/02/2017 06:11

You're not selfish, OP, not at all. You're refreshingly open, honest and truthful as far as I can see.

As for advice, well I really don't think think that you should have another child to please someone else. I don't think that that's the best way forward for any of the parties concerned.

Much love and hugs, whatever you decide. I wish you strength.*

Totally agree.

londonrach · 20/02/2017 06:23

Op your body your choice. If you dont want another baby you dont have to. Do you love dh as it might be an idea to talk to him about this.

Everyone else..if the roles were reversed and its the woman wanting another baby (there was a recent thread here) the comments are totally different including some saying leave him, he s selfish to not allow you etc.

londonrach · 20/02/2017 06:24

Op in this case is being honest about her feelings. Talk to dh op and good luck x

Nordicwannabe · 20/02/2017 07:45

I was on the opposite side of this: desperately wanted a 2nd child, and DH adamant he didn't. He loves our DD (4yo) very much, is great with her, wouldn't want not to have her, but finds parenting very hard and he thought that a 2nd would tip him over to being very unhappy and possibly end up not able to stay.

I tried so hard to convince him, hoped upon hope he would change his mind, and when it became clear he wouldn't, I grieved for a long time (which included anger, although I didn't express it openly). Now I'm still sad about it, but I love our little family unit and I'm happy with what we have. I can even appreciate the advantages of only having one! Initially I feared I would always hold it against him, but now I don't think I do.

Never in that time would I have split up our family on the off-chance of more children with someone else!!! Please don't do that on his behalf - that would be a terrible thing for you to do! He is an adult, and has chosen to be with you and have your child together. Trust him to know his own mind.

I'd caution against getting sterilised just to make a point though. If DH had done that, it would have felt like a real slap in the face. Just keep consistently telling him you're really not willing to have another child. And give him the time to go through the stages of grief and accept that.

babybitchface · 20/02/2017 08:20

I read the other thread. I feel for the OP but I do wonder if she is like my DH. I’ve actually sat him down and told him, in plain English that I will not be having any more children, ever. And that if he can’t cope with that that he needs to leave and find someone who shares his dreams (in those words). Yet he still refers to ‘when we have a another child’ and EVRY time, I say, we won’t or that won’t happen or no and every time he gets upset and we go round in circles. He can’t, or won’t, hear it. I didn't read any further though as it was a bit too painful.

Thanks to those who've seen it from the other side.

OP posts:
tabithakitty · 20/02/2017 08:39

Gosh op that is hard going, if he speaks as though you have never made your position clear. My DH and I are agreed on no more kids, but on one other issue in particular (sex) we don't seem to hear each other at all. That gets extremely hard to bear and frequently makes me feel like running for the hills. It's like what is the point of trying to communicate when they don't hear. Sometimes people hear what they want to hear. I agree you might try counselling; we are going to try that and I really think it might help us to work through things.

Writerwannabe83 · 20/02/2017 08:45

Oh OP - it sounds like a very difficult situation but you've been upfront and honest with your DH and that's all you can do.

Me and my DH were the opposite in that I really wanted a second child but he wasn't keen. He wasn't as adamant as you about not wanting another one but it still took me a year to win him over. It is very, very clear that you are 100% against having another one though so I think your DH needs to accept that and stop trying to force it on you.

I adore my son more than anything, I love him to pieces but like you there are some aspects of oarwbthood I find hard, like the loss of freedom to just be me. I feel like I don't live my own life anymore because my life now has to be based on meeting his needs instead of my own.

I hope you and DH manage to find a solution Flowers

Changesorter · 20/02/2017 08:45

I felt exactly like you when my dd was 18M old. Exactly. Loved her but hated the changes that motherhood had brought about.

I fell pregnant again.

There's a four and half year gap between my two kids and I wouldn't be without my Ds. My career is totally different now but far better

Trills · 20/02/2017 08:49

I think you've told him the truth, it's now up to him to decide what he wants to do with the options that are available to him.

First he needs to accept it, and that in-between period is going to be hard for both of you.

I don't think you're a bad person for admitting that you don't like being a mum.

babybitchface · 20/02/2017 08:57

And those wondering what I hate about it:

  1. my body - despite months of womens health physio and And several gynaecology consultations, I am still incontinent of urine, and mildly of faeces but neither significantly enough that it is operable. I used to be active – hiking and rock climbing, but due to the above I can’t do those things and I also used to SCUBA dive, but it isn’t really great with a baby. That’s affected my ability to manage my weight as I really enjoy my food and used to burn it off, now I’m just gaining weight. Even the Pilates I do causes leakage. I have hideous stretchmarks all over – some are as wide as my little finger, they’ve started to fade to that silver they go and I look like a slug has attacked me in the night! My boobs – the breastfeeding has done them no favours my once pert breasts (an achievement in my mid 30s) would no longer pass the pencil test and are scarred from DS pinching and biting them when feeding. All in all, it serves o make me feel as though my body isn’t my own. It’s foreign, I look in the mirror and don’t recognise myself. In the last year I’ve started to seriously show my age. Pre-pregnancy I couldn’t go on a night out without being ID’d and got ID’d at the supermarket regularly.
  2. my relationship – sex is awful. It’s painful (scar tissue) and I’ve lost sensitivity down there. Several drs have just told me the scar tissue needs to stretch and until then it’ll hurt, 18months on, it’s just about easing, but still really hurts. I’ve lost all confidence and really don’t want to do it. The things we used to do together, we can no longer do due to DS – rock climbing, scuba diving, travelling, eating out. Not baby friendly, not post baby body friendly.
  3. My career – I’ve worked hard to retrain in my chosen career, a girl who started at the same time as me got a promotion whilst I was on mat leave (a promotion I would also have got) and is now going for another, the opportunity for which come up every 3 or so years, so I’ve set my career back at least 3 years if not more, just by having a year out.
  4. My house. I have high standards of cleanliness and tidiness. I can’t relax in mess, so feel like I’m constantly cleaning and tidying and getting nowhere. There simply aren’t the hours in the day and when I get home, I want to spend time with DS before I put him to bed (30 mins from getting home to starting bedtime routine). DH pulls his weight but his standards simply aren’t as high as mine and you can’t hoover when DS is in bed. It constantly gets me down. We can’t afford a cleaner.
  5. Holidays. I loooooove holidays. But not child friendly holidays. We rock climb, hike, scuba dive, bungee jump, parachute jump. I can’t abide all inclusive beach type things. And city breaks with a baby/ young child can’t be fun for anyone. It’ll be 12+ years before we can do the types of holiday we enjoy again., if the incontinence ever gets better.

As I said. Totally selfish reasons.

The actual day to day of looking after DS really isn’t what I don’t like, it’s how it has affected me and my lifestyle!

OP posts:
Purplebluebird · 20/02/2017 09:02

I know what it's like, I love my son, but not that keen on being a mum actually. I try my best, and he's the most important thing in my world, but it feels like too much responsibility.

I would leave my other half if he was desperate to have another child, as there is 0% chance I will change my mind to have more. Thankfully he is happy with 1 :)

MadMags · 20/02/2017 09:06

I'm sorry but your dh sounds a bit of a knob.

After the hammering your body has taken, how unhappy it's made you, and how clear you've been about not wanting more children, he shouldn't be pressuring you and emotionally blackmailing you.

It's oh so easy for a man to want another - they have to do fuck all!

PoorYorick · 20/02/2017 09:10

Nobody should berate you for your "selfish" reasons, all reasons for whether or not to have a child are selfish. And despite what some people think, there's nothing wrong with deciding you would rather have a certain lifestyle/body maintenance than a child. Indeed, nobody berates men who decide they'd rather not have kids.

OP, I echo PPs who suggested counselling for both you and your partner, and I also think you should talk to your doctor about the possibility of PND. You've had a terrible time of it and a bigger adjustment to make than most, and nobody should have to deal with that on their own. Professional help can make a difference. And could you look into having surgery privately? There are loan deals available and it sounds as if it would make a massive difference to your life and health, both physical and mental.

Also, do not ever let anyone make you feel guilty for disliking being a parent. You love your son, it's fine not to like the toll it's taken on your life and body. Nobody, but nobody, loves every part of parenting (yeah, I just looooove being woken up for the fourth time in the night by an explosive poo) and it is absolutely fine to decide you're done at one. It's just that our society has decided two is a more acceptable number. Fuck social norms and do what makes you happy.

Something that worries me is that your partner doesn't seem to appreciate just how badly you have been affected by all this (and I must say you have had a particularly bad time of it). If he knows you're semi-incontinent, that you're very unhappy with the changes in your appearance and the obstacles to your career, I don't see how he could possibly not appreciate why you wouldn't want another child. Does he really understand or care about how you feel? How could any loving man ask his partner to go through all that again if she didn't want to?

PoorYorick · 20/02/2017 09:12

As a small semi solution to something that I realise isn't the main problem - look at Bio Oil. That stuff has worked miracles on my stretch marks and C section scar. One year on, they are almost invisible.

ShutTheFuckUpBarbara · 20/02/2017 09:19

OP I totally understand, and it seems to be such a taboo to admit that having a child affects your lifestyle so profoundly, but I know what you mean!

Life is just completely different after, and there are things that you just can't do anymore and it sucks.

You might "get your life back" sooner than you think though, it depends mostly on what your DS is like.

We're very lucky in this respect with DD, she is just under 6 but very easy going, loves going for walks, museum tours, meals out etc. so we can include her in a lot of "grown up" outings. Some of my friends with kids the same age have the hardest time doing anything like this, it really depends on the child's personality.

Sure, parachuting will be out of the question for a while but hiking could work. One of DD's classmates went on a hiking holiday with his parents recently, camping overnight and hiking all day and he absolutely loved it!

Until you can fully resume your pre-baby activities, you might find new things you can do as a family that are also fun. Or just adapt some activities, like maybe indoor skiing or climbing, which are kid-friendly.

Career-wise, I'm in the same boat. My career has picked up pace again recently but I probably "lost" 2-4 years.

It sounds like you're having a really tough time recovering physically, I have no experience in this domain so no advice to give, but I hope you heal soon.

You'll probably feel differently about your body once you have healed. It takes a while to accept this new body though, and it's perfectly normal.

Flowers
PoisonousSmurf · 20/02/2017 09:22

Could be worse. You could be desperate to have another baby but your husband would be saying no. That's a 1000s worse than being a mother who doesn't want another child. Men have it easy when it comes to reproduction.

sunshinesupermum · 20/02/2017 09:35

I sympathise OP but it does sound from your last post that it isn't parenting you object to but the fact your lifestyle has changed irrevocably.

You need to decide what is more important to you - leave your husband and child and go back to a single life, take up your career again and share the upbringing of your child; or stay with them and come to terms with the fact that your life HAS changed and see how you can get help to cope with it better in future, as well as go to counselling with your husband to find out if not having a second child will be make or break for him.

I didn't enjoy parenting and like you had a horrendous first birth experience but as an only child myslef, wanted a second one (after 4 years DD2 was born with no complications other than being breech.) I went back to work full time (and like you another woman had been promoted in my absence and my career never fully recovered).

I was fortunate that way back then we could afford child care so the mundanity was offloaded so to speak. Pls don't have a go, yummy mummies - some us really find small children hard work and boring but it doesn't mean we love them any the less.

I still love my DDs to pieces but if I had my way today I probably wouldn't have had children at all.

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