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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave him for his own good?

110 replies

babybitchface · 19/02/2017 19:52

DH and I have been together 10 years, married 3. Prior to marriage we had a long discussion about children, I was on the fence, he really wanted them. I agreed to potentially 2, but with a have one and we'll see caveat, he agreed.

We had DS last year. I love DS but hate being a mum, had a dreadful birth and never want another child ever. I know I'm done. DH still desperately wants another. DS is 18months. I have said on several occasions that I don't want any more, I don't like being a mum, don't want to bring a child I don't want in to the world etc etc. DH is understandably devastated. I don't get the whole 'desperately wanting kids' thing, I didn't get broody for DS, so whilst I can be empathetic, I certainly don't get where he's coming from.

I'm keeping him from the one thing he desperately wants. We've discussed splitting up so that he can have a family with someone else but he doesn't want to do that, doesn't want to have to explain that to DS when he's older. I also think he's secretly thinking I'll change my mind, despite me being clear I won't.

I don't want him to leave me, I love him very, very much. But not enough to have another child I don't want.

I worry that he'll resent me over time, when it is too late for him to start another family (he has clear ideas of when he'd consider himself too old). I am considering leaving him so that he can pursue his dreams and I can stop feeling guilty (he isn't deliberately feeling guilty but his desire for a second child is palpable).

I just don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
August1984 · 19/02/2017 20:23

Completely reasonable to only have one child if that's what you want and your partner knew how you felt going in. My friend has sworn no children and her DH has had to accept that as he went into it with his eyes open. I'm pregnant with my current partner but always made it clear that I would only have one. I'm getting sterilised afterwards.

Some people love being a parent and some don't. I don't enjoy the day to day of parenthood but love the very bones of my children deeply and believe I'm a good mum.

RandomMess · 19/02/2017 20:27

I think you have to accept that your DH is going to grieve and be very upset. Perhaps have some couples therapy just around this issue so you can both come to terms with it whatever the eventual outcome?

Flowers not a nice position to be in Sad

Nanny0gg · 19/02/2017 20:28

Is his desire for a second child stronger than the love he has for his existing child?

Because if he's prepared to leave him on the off-chance he can have a second one then I don't think too much of him...

Original poster
babybitchface · 19/02/2017 20:32

nanny0gg did you read my OP? It is me suggesting I leave, not him. He doesn't wan to leave, precisely for the reason you say.

OP posts:
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 19/02/2017 20:33

I didn't enjoy being the parent of a small child- resented it. It was horrible.

I do enjoy DD now that she is older but couldn't go through that again.

I feel you OP. But realistically, your DP needs to accept it or move on as it's like blackmail

MorrisZapp · 19/02/2017 20:35

Totally normal to adore your child while hating the role. I'm exactly the same, and I wouldn't have another for a million pounds. DS is loved beyond measure but I know my limits.

MentalLentil · 19/02/2017 20:35

Another here who hates parenting, but I love my child and I'm a great mother. It's just such ridiculously hard work all the time, relentless and grinding. Please let's leave some space on an Internet forum for people to express unpopular and uncommon views.

OP, I don't think you should leave your DH over this. If he can't get over it he should be free to leave of course, but I wouldn't want to make that decision for him.

SongforSal · 19/02/2017 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
babybitchface · 19/02/2017 20:41

Thanks all. I appreciate those saying they feel or have felt the same/ similar.

I don't want to leave him, I just love him so much I hate seeing him so sad about this. I just can't do it again.

songforsal you should know troll hunting is frowned upon on here. If you suspect troll report it. MNHQ can look in to my username history and see I've written several posts relating to dicussion DH and I have had on the issue.

OP posts:
heyday · 19/02/2017 20:41

Your little one is still very young and will be extremely demanding and time consuming. As they get older children become more independent and many of their constant demands abait somewhat. That stage may help you to enjoy parenthood a little more or at least dislike it a little less.
You need to sit down with DH and calmly explain, again, that you absolutely do not want any more children either now or in the future and that whilst you love him and hope you will stay together he needs to know exactly how you feel. What he chooses to do about your decision then becomes his choice. It's up to him. He probably loves you and his child and will learn to live with his disappointment to keep the family together.

PurpleDaisies · 19/02/2017 20:42

I think the way you feel about being a parent is much more common that you'd imagine-it's a very difficult thing for people to admit to. As the children get older, more independent and more interested (!) many find it gets easier. Flowers

Regarding your husband, I wonder if counselling might be ready way forward to help both of you talk about having one child and no more together. It's a completely valid choice to make. You may find he'd rather stay with you and your child than leave and have a baby with someone else. I hope things work out for you.

Original poster
babybitchface · 19/02/2017 20:52

Thanks, I will suggest counselling to him.

OP posts:
August1984 · 19/02/2017 21:00

Yes sorry didn't actually answer your OP Blush

I wouldn't leave him, his desire might feel all-consuming now but I'd wager it'll pass after a mourning period. Counselling sounds a fab idea too

oceanstars · 19/02/2017 21:03

I'm another one who adores my children unequivocally yet doesn't enjoy parenthood.

Sorry OP. I've no "real" advice, but I wanted to speak out in support of you there.

Nquartz · 19/02/2017 21:04

Another one who only has one & wouldn't want another. I think it's perfectly normal to not always enjoy being a parent particularly when they're young. They are like cheese or wine - improve with age.
It definitely sounds like he's hoping you'll change your mind (or he'll eventually wear you down) which wouldn't be the right way to bring a child into the world.
How would he react if you actually started the process of sterilisation?

oceanstars · 19/02/2017 21:09

I think what people forget is that you keep feelings about parenthood and feeling about your children largely separate.

Imagine your DH, or mum, or someone, was seriously injured and you became their main carer. You would do everything they needed out of LOVE. You would feed them, wash them, keep their bed clean, comfortable, keep them stimulated. but you wouldn't enjoy it, not just because "it shouldn't be this way" but because those tasks in themselves aren't really enjoyable.

Having children does add something to your life, and I think I'd be sad if i'd never experienced motherhood, yet the daily drag it takes is huge and I don't love it and I'm not brilliant at many aspects of it.

HumpMeBogart · 19/02/2017 21:14

A PP has said that her feelings about motherhood changed as she got older. Would you consider re-evaluating how you feel about motherhood when your DS is five or six? Is it at all possible that if parenthood gets a little easier, you'd consider adoption or surrogacy - or have these first months been so awful that's not an option?

BToperator · 19/02/2017 21:21

I don't think you should leave him, he is an adult, and can make his own decisions on whether to stay with you, based on the facts. As long as you have been honest with him, then you have nothing to feel guilty for. Especially as he will be able to have children for far longer than you can.

I was on the other side of a similar situation, in that DH did not want any more than one child and I did. Things were difficult for a long time, but I am happy now and I would not have wanted to break up an otherwise happy family unit, for the possibility of another child.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 19/02/2017 21:26

The only thing that makes me wonder is your mentioning a dreadful birth. If you are suffering from birth trauma it may well be decisively influencing your feelings about being a parent. I wonder whether it might be worth contacting the Birth Trauma Association, perhaps looking into counselling or getting a debrief?

That aside - the one who doesn't want a further child 'wins', as a PP said. It must be bloody hard for your dh, but I think you have to leave the decision about leaving or not in his hands.

While I absolutely agree that people need to be able here to express these things, I can see where some PPs are coming from with their concerns. 'Hate' is such a strong word. Not enjoying the sleepless nights/mopping up of bodily fluids/tantrum management is one thing. I'm not thrilled by those things either, and I treasure the time I get to myself. But hating being a parent seems to be of a different order. I don't think the PP who mentioned the potential impact on your ds was judging or moralising - simply stating the fact that there is probably going to be an impact of some kind. Quite apart from that, you're an active parent for a long time and if you can make that more bearable for yourself it must be worth trying. With that in mind, I'd recommend counselling/therapy for you, whatever happens in your marriage.

Original poster
babybitchface · 19/02/2017 21:27

hump I wouldn't want such a big age gap between my children, there 6 year between me and my sibling and it's awful, we've never got along. Plus it was really difficult for my parents, we were never at the same stage and never in to the same things, made things really difficult. Plus I never want to give birth again.

We couldn't afford surrogacy and DH wants biological children. But I don't want another child full stop. It's the child I don't want.

OP posts:
Peppapogstillonaloop · 19/02/2017 21:31

There was a good article in the guardian last week I think about mothers who did not like being a parent..you should have a look if you haven't already. It was interesting and an honest look at what is basically a massive taboo.. the point they were all trying to make was that they loved their kids but hated the role of parent that they were forced into..I don't feel that but I totally get why someone would.
I don't have any answers for you but I think counselling would be a good way to go. You can't leave your dh and break up your family for the sake of a child he may never actually have..

ApplePaltrow21 · 19/02/2017 21:35

Lol, NannyOgg saw a chance to take a potshot at a husband and couldn't resist. Some people have a hammer and all they see is nails.

Goondoit · 19/02/2017 21:46

Sometimes one is enough!

I wouldn't say to leave your Dh over this. You've laid your cards on the table and been honest and open he is aware of your choices and reasons.
I hope it all works out for you op Flowers

Original poster
babybitchface · 19/02/2017 22:10

hetero yeah, it was a traumatic birth. I also had physical issue too which have taken their toll. The affect on my body has certainly been an issue, I'm really broken. But it is more than that. I guess it's just knowing I'm done at one. Like people who know they are done at 2 but obviously less common.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 19/02/2017 22:20

I think your brave in lots of ways. Hopefully with some counselling he will just need some time,