AIBU to leave him for his own good?

[babybitchface]

DH and I have been together 10 years, married 3. Prior to marriage we had a long discussion about children, I was on the fence, he really wanted them. I agreed to potentially 2, but with a have one and we'll see caveat, he agreed.

We had DS last year. I love DS but hate being a mum, had a dreadful birth and never want another child ever. I know I'm done. DH still desperately wants another. DS is 18months. I have said on several occasions that I don't want any more, I don't like being a mum, don't want to bring a child I don't want in to the world etc etc. DH is understandably devastated. I don't get the whole 'desperately wanting kids' thing, I didn't get broody for DS, so whilst I can be empathetic, I certainly don't get where he's coming from.

I'm keeping him from the one thing he desperately wants. We've discussed splitting up so that he can have a family with someone else but he doesn't want to do that, doesn't want to have to explain that to DS when he's older. I also think he's secretly thinking I'll change my mind, despite me being clear I won't.

I don't want him to leave me, I love him very, very much. But not enough to have another child I don't want.

I worry that he'll resent me over time, when it is too late for him to start another family (he has clear ideas of when he'd consider himself too old). I am considering leaving him so that he can pursue his dreams and I can stop feeling guilty (he isn't deliberately feeling guilty but his desire for a second child is palpable).

I just don't know what to do for the best.

I think it's really awful that given all you have been through, he would expect you to just crack on and do it again and talks as if that's ok.

My husband would have liked a third, but he saw what a toll the second took on me physically for various reasons during the pregnancy, and then afterwards caring for two little ones. We simply couldn't 'go again' at it without considering that and he said very early on that my health was more important and that had to get better before even thinking it through again. We did think about a third a few years later, but I was just not keen to go through that again, so I can entirely understand where you are coming from, also we had started to get our old life back and were enjoying it.

I think your decision, given what you love in life and what you have been through sounds entirely rational to me, and someone saying 'when we have our second' would tip me over the edge, it's quite cruel to say that to someone who is daily incontinent due to giving birth. I have a lot of sympathy for you.

That's very dismissive of the DH's feelings Smurf.

Who are you to claim that he is not feeling it strongly?

Thing is, I can see why he thinks I could just crack on. I just get on with it, I don't moan or complain and we have friends who have had similarly horrible births who are already pregnant or who have had their second already. It seems a desire to have a second tumps even the worst experiences. I totally lack that desire.

I'm keeping him from the one thing he desperately wants

No, you have given him the one thing he wanted, which was to be a dad and have a family. Once you have a family, you have to take care of all the members of it, and prioritise their wellbeing. It's sad and I'm sure in an ideal world he would prefer more, my husband would have done, but at the end of the day, it wasn't his body, and I couldn't go on and we are both now happy several years down the line with that decision. I don't think he can jump to that though, it sounds like he is sad and will need time to feel bad about it.

All this talk about you leaving/his heart's desire for a second and stuff is just crap and not what being in a family is all about.

I also was unsure about having children. I went in with my eyes wide open. Knowing it would kill my career, wreck my body, affect my hobbies and affect time spent alone with dh. But my God, it was a total culture shock despite this. I rarely get any sleep because both ds have food intolerances which affect sleep. Ds1 is just growing out of this. I can't do half hearted parenting. We have no family support so we can never spend time alone together. My extreme hobbies of rock climng and mtb are curtailed.
We agreed 2 children very close together to get the baby toddler years out of the way quickly. I have a 2.10yo and a 10mo. However, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel already. Ds1 is getting more independent. Soon he will be able to come on bike rides, climbing with us. He generally sleeps through the night. He has his own interests and is fun to be with. It's amazing seeing him play with his little brother too.
Is your dh insistent on a 2nd child now because he thinks if you have them close together it gets the baby years out of the way and you can get concentrate on getting your body and life back on track?
There's nothing wrong with your viewpoint or having an only.
Also, what about suggesting adoption or fostering to dh? (sensitive concept so sorry if this idea offends).
Perhaps counselling together to explore the desire to procreate, or to get to an understanding?
Best wishes.

Then maybe you need to moan! God why do so many people soldier on without letting anyone know how badly they're struggling and then wonder why they get no help? You all need to be more like me. I'm a fucking whinge bag and when I'm unhappy or struggling the world and his wife knows. And I get help!

Tell him everything you've told us and how unhappy it's made you. Ask him if he would have another child if it were he who had to make these sacrifices.

OP has already said he wants the child to be his biologically.

Yet another demand from the person who won't be adversely affected...

Only a mum would describe moaning about being incontinent as 'selfish'.

Do you think if your husband was incontinent as a result of your child, and could no longer engage in his favourite hobbies of climbing/adventure sports, he'd be desperate to do it again?

I don't think he realises what your little one has cost you, however much you love your child. I think you need to find a way to describe that to him instead of saying things like 'I'm selfish' or 'I don't like being a parent'. Those phrases are just surface to what's really going on for you here, and because of that, he's digging his heels in too. I like to think if he really understood the physical trauma of a bad birth and ongoing physical symptoms he'd be more sympathetic and start to understand where you are coming from even if he wished it were different.

Smurf, I think that does a disservice to my husbands feelings on the matter. I don't doubt he feels it any less strongly than a woman would.

Thing is, the 'reasons' stated above aren't the crux of the issue. If I was perfectly health, had a super fantastic birth, I still wouldn't want more children.

And I get help when I ask - I can't lift anything, he does it without question, and knows why. I can't go on trampolines or bouncy castles or run - he does those things, he knows why. I don't moan because I hate moaners. I don't want to be one. I calmly ask for help when I need it.

And fostering and adoption aren't options because I don't want another child.

Sorry for the flood of replies.

I have considered privately getting the surgery but the reason the NHS won't do it is because it isn't severe enough that the surgery is 50/50 as to whether it'll actually improve it. So I could be no better off but with a big scar too! And thousands of pounds out of pocket!

But, baby, not wanting another child is just as valid as wanting one.

He has a choice. Yes, it's painful but he has one.

I really don't like the emotional blackmail he's doling out. I do think you should consider sterilisation. It will put the issue to rest one way or the other.

Lifting heavy things for you isn't enough. He needs to understand the long term, everyday reality for you in terms of your incontinence, career and so on. I realise you wouldn't want another child even if you didn't have these troubles, but I think the first step is for him to understand, really understand, the permanent sacrifices you have made and why it is just not acceptable to assume or expect that you will do it all again. Maybe a counsellor can help him understand this if you can't get it across to him.

It's not his fault he can't get pregnant or give birth, but he needs to realise that since you're the one who has to do it, you get the final say in it. If he complains that that's unfair, tell him it's also unfair that women have a shorter reproductive window than men and all the physical changes of pregnancy...but there's nothing we can do about it, so we accept it as one of those things we cannot change.

In the meantime, look into sterilisation. That will give you peace of mind and show him how seriously you mean this. I do think a lot of men - not bad men, just a male thinking pattern - think a woman can be convinced more easily, especially in terms of things like babies.

I've only skimmed the thread but I totally understand your stance OP. I have never in my life had even the slightest sniff of a broody feeling and I did leave my husband because I knew he wanted more children and I knew that after DD I did not want anymore and would never ever have any more. That feeling has never changed and I've never questioned it. It's just who I am. Exdh now has two more young children. I'm a good mum and I am besotted by my DD, even when she is being a 14 year old hormonal little madam. Do I like being a mum? Sometimes. Sometimes the responsibility gets me down but I'm a good honest mum and I always put my DD first. I think perhaps you do need to let him go.

It's not his fault he can't get pregnant or give birth, but he needs to realise that since you're the one who has to do it, you get the final say in it.

I disagree.

If the DH could get pregnant, that would not solve the matter. The OP does not want another child, no matter how it is produced.

OP, I am glad that you've had support from this thread - you deserve it. What a very tough situation. My view is that you need to just give him the option to leave if he wants, but then get on with loving him and your DS. You couldn't have been fairer in what you said and your reasons for not doing it again are all valid.

But let me say this - I haven't found being a Mum easy. I found babies and toddlers unbearably difficult. But last night I lay on the back lawn with my 9 year old, who wanted to discuss constellations with me, and as we chatted through the stars in Ursula Minor I had this rush of "thank goodness I did this" - the first time I have thought that about parenting EVER. Maybe it will come. xx

Thanks trills it does feel a bit like I'm bashing my head against a brick wall with that message!

A few random thoughts, in no particular order.

OP clearly loves her child so why is she getting a hard time for not enjoying being a parent?

When dh didn't want another child and I did it took 5 years for me to fully come to terms with this (and yes there was anger and frustration and I don't think your dh has got to that stage yet). You are still in the early days regarding this.

I would strongly consider sterilisation in your position because getting accidentally pregnant and terminating is hard enough in general, let alone when your partner really wants another child.

I think you are wrong about the holidays. We got 90% of what we loved about holidays back when youngest got to 7/8. Approaching 100% now a couple of years later.

Im with Bocca on this. I find being a mum hard work too, that doesn't take any of the love away from him that I have. You sound like you have been fair with your DP from the start. I would say give him the chance to decide what he wants to do, if he wants to stay then great.. its not your responsibility to make his decision (I mean this in the nicest way) , especially scene as you have been so upfront from the start. Good luck OP x

I have one DS aged 6. I adore him, he is my world, but I wouldn't have another. I don't enjoy parenthood for the most part. Horrible pregnancy, horrific birth, the baby years I barely slept a wink which took it's toll on my physical health and mental health.
Things are much easier now in that he's at school and I look forward to the time we have together more. That said I still wouldn't have another, I couldn't go through the first 3 - 4 years again, it'd destroy me.

Would perhaps fostering in a few years time be something you'd consider? would that be something your DH would accept almost as a kind of compromise? If you fostered older children your DH could perhaps take them fishing/football (other hobbies he enjoys) and the holidays you enjoy sound quite good for active teens?

Quite surprised your DH is pushing it with your medical issues- i know he wants one but you'd think with such clear physical and emotional reasons not to (even if you don't moan a lot and that's not your main reason for not actually wanting another), he would have accepted it on his own. I mean there's bad births and then there's births like yours

Totally off topic but think you will start to get some of your old life and self back as your child gets older, i know i did. Popele are more willing to look after them too. Dreading going back to the toddler stage actually! Once you get there, i'm sure your husband will relish this as much as you do.

OP, I felt exactly the same as you. Our DS is much, much loved and I can't imagine my world without him now, but I despised motherhood until about 18mo. I am also very aware that I have an easygoing and independent little boy and he makes it very easy for us, but I live in dread he won't always be that way. It has changed my relationship with DH; I feel I look half the person I used to and my career, despite me still working FT, isn't what it was as I can't devote the hours. I can't say you will change your mind but I hope you are comforted by the responses on here that show that what you are feeling is totally normal.

Don't leave your dh. It's hard but it's not your issue. You agreed to one and you stuck to your part of the deal. You don't want a second and your dh needs to come to terms with that, however hard that is.

This might sound silly, but could you write everything in a letter to your DH. He's blocking out what your saying, but having it in black and white on paper might just make it click that you really do mean what you say.
I'd write basically what you've put here - you've never wanted children, you hate the changes to both your body and your lifestyle, you love him so much you're willing to "let him go" and you can't change your mind.
I also think counselling would be useful.
Also I think if you bring up your DS doing activities such as city breaks, walking, other activities you can still physically do, it becomes their way of life so they do allow you the lifestyle. I think suddenly expecting an eight yr old to go on a city break would be hard work, but if they've always done it it's normal. Not explaining brilliantly but I hope you get what I'm trying to say.