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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it bad to to announce you are ill when you arrive

47 replies

RustyPaperclip · 18/02/2017 23:48

I tend to shy away from AIBU but in this case I truly want to know if I am in fact being unreasonable. I have a crap immune system so tend to catch any bug going around. We invited friends round last night and it was only when they got here that we found out one has a streaming cold. If I was invited somewhere I would at least let the hosts know that I was ill (but would probably duck out so I wouldn't pass the germs on). My MIL used to do the same, invite herself round and then announce that she has just been ill with d&v. I hate being exposed to bugs if I can help it so maybe I am being unreasonable?!

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 18/02/2017 23:50

A cold wouldn't bother me at all. Things requiring quarantine according to public health advice would.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 18/02/2017 23:51

Tbh I wouldn't class having a cold as being ill, and your MIL announcing that she's had it is just making (grim) conversation.

So the two examples you've given YABU, but I suspect a lot of the time you're probably not.

RedBugMug · 18/02/2017 23:51

nah, just a cold would not bother me.
d&v is a totally different matter.

CocoLoco87 · 18/02/2017 23:52

YADNBU

One of my DC is a toddler and he gets seriously unwell with asthma. This is ALWAYS triggered by a cold first. People just don't always think how serious it can be for others. Even if the majority would be ok to catch a cold, my DC ends up on steroids and then more steroids! It's not fair but I don't suppose you can do much once they're at your house, other than being quite blunt about it

BellonaBelladonna · 18/02/2017 23:53

I agree. Someone sniffling, sneezing and hacking in your home is just rude.

Haudyerwheesht · 18/02/2017 23:53

Cold - no

D&V - yes shouldn't be in contact with others

BlahBlahBlahEtc · 18/02/2017 23:54

I hate that, I mean really hate it. My immune system is terrible and so is my 2 year olds, my dd got pneumonia twice from 2 colds and I ended up with a bad one for 3 weeks. I always tell people if I have something, even a cough, and then they can say if they're bothered or not.
So no I don't think YABU at all

hollinhurst84 · 18/02/2017 23:58

Depends really. My friends know if they have a cold or anything illness wise they can't come over

lottiegarbanzo · 18/02/2017 23:58

I'd think a 'streaming cold' was yuck and not something anyone wanted to witness or hear, so that person should have considered staying away so as not to disgust everyone, especially if you were eating, more than so as not to infect them. Depends how bad and how closely you were all sitting together - close around a dining table, or scattered around a larger living room.

Do these friends know you have poor immunity? Is it a serious issue, or are you just a bit more prone to catching minor illnesses than some people?

plimsolls · 18/02/2017 23:59

I don't know if it's U or not but I'm in agreement with you, OP. It's not that I'm scared of germs or particularly squeamish but it really irks me when people are ill with something contagious and don't have the courtesy to warn you or attempt some kind of way to avoid spreading germs.

I just find it a bit rude to assume it's ok. At least ask or pre-warn. Someone might have a particular (even temporary) reason why they might want to do everything possible le to avoid catching something. A driving test, a family holiday, a minor op booked etc. Even if the ill person doesn't want to stay at home, it at least gives people the chance to stay away.

I'm still cursing my neighbour who merrily announced he was still suffering from his awful, excruciating cold whilst he was cuddling my 4 week old baby who had just been released from hospital after a big operation. Then he sneezed and his wife just sympathised at how ill he was.

NoBetterName · 19/02/2017 00:02

I agree. I do a job where I travel to different people's homes and often arrive to find people saying, "I'm not well. I've been sick all night", to which I think couldn't you have told me that before I arrived?

Always awkward to mention it though.

BellonaBelladonna · 19/02/2017 00:08

Plimsolls thats awful.

zen1 · 19/02/2017 00:20

Well, I would be pissed off if someone turned up with something infectious without giving me the choice of whether or not to have them visit. Likewise, if I or one of my DC have been ill, I always let people know and often cancel as it's not fair to knowingly spread things around. I suffer very badly when I get a cold (both eyes run continuously for several days and I can't do anything except sit in bed with tissues under my eyes and nose. During my last cold, I got through 6 boxes of tissues in three days - was a nightmare.

harderandharder2breathe · 19/02/2017 00:24

A cold yabu although if you or dc have compromised immune systems family should know and stay away

D&v yanbu

Lolaalola · 19/02/2017 00:24

A mild cold wouldn't bother me but a streaming cold with sneezing and coughing would.

D&V definitely would.

I wouldn't visit if I was infectious and I'd pre warn others visiting me.

Italiangreyhound · 19/02/2017 00:39

RustyPaperclip I think the kind thing to do if you are ill, and I would count a streaming cold as ill, is to tell the people I was seeing and ask if it bothered them. Then I would expect an honest answer about whether to continue with the plans or not.

I would not cancel unless I really felt too ill to go or I knew that my presence might have a serious impact on them. So I have not stayed off work when I had a cold but if I had a friend with a compromised immune system I would not visit them, or would ask their opinion.

When I worked in a hospital and was ill I was told to come in but just to make sure I washed my hands a lot and didn't hug anyone, or words to that affect. I was a receptionist and not a surgeon!

So if you are worried in future you need to let people know that you have a crap immune system, you've been ill and don't want to be ill again, or whatever.

YANBU because it is your house and your health but you do need to be upfront with people, ideally before they get as far as your front door.

Italiangreyhound · 19/02/2017 00:41

Plimsolls that's bad! Really you should have grabbed your precious baby off the germ monkey immediately! Sadly, we are so conditioned to be polite we feel we cannot.

I hope your baby was fine.

Original poster
RustyPaperclip · 19/02/2017 00:42

Thank you all. Willing to admit I might be overreacting. I just think a bit of warning would be nice. Maybe I'm just overthinking it due to the fact I seem to catch every cold around at the moment and have a tough week at work next week and can't afford to be ill. To be clear, it wasn't just a sniffle, it was a full blown cold and cough

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 19/02/2017 00:44

When you say 'crap immune system', do you mean you catch things easily or you have a compromised immune system? If the latter then I'd be bloody furious if the person knew I could get seriously ill. bitter memories of bill constantly turning up with a cold, to visit my terminally ill husband, only to be diagnosed with a chest infection later. Prick.

Although I'd still be pissed off at their selfish behaviour because they were selfish enough to risk other people getting their yucky cold, if otherwise well.

PovertyPain · 19/02/2017 00:45

Bio not Bill.

Italiangreyhound · 19/02/2017 00:46

RustyPaperclip a lot of people are just selfish and thoughtless, spell it out in future, I get sick easily, if you get ill before our meeting/meal or date or whatever can you warn me as I can't afford any more time off work etc.

PovertyPain · 19/02/2017 00:47

FFS! Bil* I'll just refer to him as prick for future reference. 😳

hollinhurst84 · 19/02/2017 00:50

Poverty - I thought I had a crap immune system but it took the doctors 8 years to work out I'm immunosuppressed Hmm
I'm neutropenic and likely to be for the rest of my life so I keep a distance from ill people!!!

Original poster
RustyPaperclip · 19/02/2017 00:56

Poverty I'm sorry, I should have clarified. I have a weak immune system and suffered from ME for many years. My dad suffers from very bad health problems and a cold could potentially make him very ill, so if I am ill then I need to stay away. To be fair, I cant expect my friend to be aware of his bad health so i am probably am being a touch precious.

I'm sorry that your BIL was so thoughtless. He sounds infuriating Flowers

OP posts:
sycamore54321 · 19/02/2017 00:57

It seems a bit extreme over a cold but your choice. Think about the impact though. If you do have very frequent colds, you would probably massively restrict your socialising all winter though if you don't meet people while you're sick and then when you are well, your friends can't come if they have a cold. Is this kind of isolation worth it for you?

I wouldn't think to pre-warn an adult that I had a cold, unless there are special circumstances like I knew they were immune suppressed. I would warn someone with young children in the house. Anything more serious than a cold, yes I would warn.

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