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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think this is odd?

111 replies

rumbletums · 14/02/2017 23:49

We had a full time nanny for around 6 months last year for our 4yo and 1yo. She was fine, but not our ideal childcarer, because she didn't really listen to what we or the DC wanted or needed, she just did what she thought was right (which was good enough at the time, considering we were in transition.)

Examples of what she did that we didn't want: weaned youngest early. I was EBF-ing and she was giving him food because she thought she knew best. When he was finally weaning age. she was doing baby led weaning rather than purees (which was what i asked/prepared in fridge.) So I'd come back and there'd be a piece of carrot in his mouth when I'd asked her to use some apple puree. (I have no problem with BLW but purees are just easier for me and don't make me as anxious about choking etc.)

She also used to insist on taking both kids out all day while I was EBF-ing the youngest (he was 4 months) and not check her phone to come back when I needed her to come back for me to BF. Then ignore subsequent requests asking her to come back at certain times but always say she was very forgetful. She would go long periods (6 hours) not being in touch with us asking where she was, while she had both DC out with her.

She took a lot of managing and reminding about very basic things, like returning at a certain time, DC's meals and routines.

She also used to lecture us about bringing up DC and label the DCs (to us, not to them) as "intelligent" and "not intelligent" and "good" and "bad," according to what she observed. She used to sometimes judge us and tell us that we were not doing things in the proper way and were really disturbing our DC (we travelled a lot last year.) But I knew it was a temporary situation with her, so I just tuned her out a bit.

Oldest doesn't like her. Will not naturally go to her, was very reluctant to be left with her. It doesn't help that former Nanny is obsessed with youngest DC, who she spent all her time with, leaving oldest DC - when she was in her care - to wonder around aimlessly. Eldest got fed, bathed, changed, basic needs etc, but by the end did not get any further attention than that.

Christmas last year, former nanny's contract was up. We said that we weren't sure we needed a nanny anymore as oldest was about to start school. She told us that she wanted to go into a different line of work anyway. We helped her with a few applications and parted on good terms.

Yesterday former Nanny said she wanted to come and see the DC. This is surprising as she had no bond with 4yo at all, and 1yo just gets on/will go with everybody. She came to the house. 4yo ran away and would not go to her. She picked up youngest and carried him around. I offered her a cup of tea, like a guest, she said no. She then implied that she had turned down other job offers because she felt her loyalty was with us and she was waiting to see if we needed her again.

I had honestly told her in no uncertain terms that we would not need her again because 4yo is starting school, but she was almost blaming me and coercing me into giving her a job again by making me feel that she'd held out and turned down other offers for us.

Then, she said 1yo needed a bath and started to undress him. I was a bit Shock as she took all his clothes off and went into our bedroom to run him a bath but I didn't really know what to say.

She then stayed for three hours. Bathed 1yo, fed him, dressed him, read him a story and put him to bed. Shock Shock

As she was leaving she said to eldest "shall I take you out next week?" Eldest said "no thank you." She said "come on, we'll make a date,." Eldest DC again said, "no." Former Nanny said to me that she would text me a date about taking eldest DC out.

Dh and I are in disagreement. DH who thinks his DC are the most beautiful creatures on earth, says he can understand someone who has been away from them missing them like this and wanting to be around them again. I feel like she is just trying to get her job back. Am I being a heartless cow? Is this how you're supposed to transition away from a nanny? Gradual withdrawal?

What do you think?

OP posts:
Adarajames · 15/02/2017 15:51

Your book won't sell, ft too unbelievable a parent would allow an employee to treat them / their kids like that

itwillbegrandsure · 15/02/2017 15:52

V odd situation OP, gives me the heebie jeebies. They're your children, not hers.

If she still has a key to your house, change the locks.

Cherrysoup · 15/02/2017 16:10

I have no idea why you would let her bathe your baby. What the actual?! Don't let her back, she is not your responsibility and tough luck if she bonded to the children, that's the nature of nannying, then you move on. I can't believe she was allowed to get away with what you say in your OP for so long. Bonkers.

SanitysSake · 15/02/2017 16:40

You need to be much much stronger. Send it in a text and an unequivocal one at that and be done.

No discussion, no mitigation, no guilt trip, no going over old ground, no visiting of the kids.

At the point she picked up my child, I'dve gone in to bat - for sure!

ProudBadMum · 15/02/2017 16:43

She's probably acting like your kids are her own to someone and needs them back for a wedding or some shit Grin

No one would do what you have. Bullshit

Megatherium · 15/02/2017 17:37

Why on earth do you regard it as "satisfactory" for a nanny to disappear with your children for 6 hours and be out of contact, and to ignore deliberately your requests for her to return? The first time my nanny did that she'd get a final warning, the second time she did anything even remotely like it she would be out of the door.

And yes, if you've decided not to renew a nanny's contract for good reasons like that one, you absolutely do say no when she starts undressing your child and taking him out of the room. Why would you care about appearing rude in stopping behaviour which in itself was extremely rude?

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 15/02/2017 18:08

Everything about this is bizarre. I honestly don't know where to start with it.

ohtheholidays · 15/02/2017 18:53

OP you have no way of knowing if your DS4 doesn't like her because of her favouring your youngest DC or if it is "because of something creepy" as you put it!

Sadly I've known families where someone close to them had tried to abuse 2 of the children within the family,for that family it was the older child that kept quiet and the younger child that was 3 that refused to go anywhere near that person,after a few attempts and the child refusing the abuser started to ignore(even be somewhat neglectful)the younger child.

This all sadly came out about 2 years after it started!

That wasn't the only family where a child was trying as hard as they could to make someone aware of what was happening to them.
I used to work with schools and SS and there were lots ofcases of it happening.

Children are not stupid if anything they can often pick up on a feeling before us adults can,don't let her ever undress any of your children ever again and if she try's to get a reference from you I'd be trying to find a way to pre warn any future families she may try to work with about her odd and worrying behaviour.

I hope to God this isn't what's going on in your families case and that she isn't a danger but just exhibits odd behaviour but I would be very cautious when it comes to your ex Nanny!

Megatherium · 16/02/2017 00:36

Did the nanny actually account for where she was taking the children when she disappeared for 6 hours? I can't understand why she would even want to be out and about with them for so long when she presumably had other duties at your house.

AuroraBora · 16/02/2017 02:12

Wait? Is this real?!

You let her take your DC for 6 hours with no idea of their whereabouts and no way of contacting them, and didn't tell her to get the fuck out of your life as soon as she reappeared?!

Then she comes back, strips and bathes your baby, whilst you sit around and what? Twiddle your thumbs?

Either this is all BS or you need to open your eyes. And grow some balls.

NC1nightstand · 18/02/2017 00:18

Oh come on! You can do better than this OP!

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