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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think this is odd?

111 replies

rumbletums · 14/02/2017 23:49

We had a full time nanny for around 6 months last year for our 4yo and 1yo. She was fine, but not our ideal childcarer, because she didn't really listen to what we or the DC wanted or needed, she just did what she thought was right (which was good enough at the time, considering we were in transition.)

Examples of what she did that we didn't want: weaned youngest early. I was EBF-ing and she was giving him food because she thought she knew best. When he was finally weaning age. she was doing baby led weaning rather than purees (which was what i asked/prepared in fridge.) So I'd come back and there'd be a piece of carrot in his mouth when I'd asked her to use some apple puree. (I have no problem with BLW but purees are just easier for me and don't make me as anxious about choking etc.)

She also used to insist on taking both kids out all day while I was EBF-ing the youngest (he was 4 months) and not check her phone to come back when I needed her to come back for me to BF. Then ignore subsequent requests asking her to come back at certain times but always say she was very forgetful. She would go long periods (6 hours) not being in touch with us asking where she was, while she had both DC out with her.

She took a lot of managing and reminding about very basic things, like returning at a certain time, DC's meals and routines.

She also used to lecture us about bringing up DC and label the DCs (to us, not to them) as "intelligent" and "not intelligent" and "good" and "bad," according to what she observed. She used to sometimes judge us and tell us that we were not doing things in the proper way and were really disturbing our DC (we travelled a lot last year.) But I knew it was a temporary situation with her, so I just tuned her out a bit.

Oldest doesn't like her. Will not naturally go to her, was very reluctant to be left with her. It doesn't help that former Nanny is obsessed with youngest DC, who she spent all her time with, leaving oldest DC - when she was in her care - to wonder around aimlessly. Eldest got fed, bathed, changed, basic needs etc, but by the end did not get any further attention than that.

Christmas last year, former nanny's contract was up. We said that we weren't sure we needed a nanny anymore as oldest was about to start school. She told us that she wanted to go into a different line of work anyway. We helped her with a few applications and parted on good terms.

Yesterday former Nanny said she wanted to come and see the DC. This is surprising as she had no bond with 4yo at all, and 1yo just gets on/will go with everybody. She came to the house. 4yo ran away and would not go to her. She picked up youngest and carried him around. I offered her a cup of tea, like a guest, she said no. She then implied that she had turned down other job offers because she felt her loyalty was with us and she was waiting to see if we needed her again.

I had honestly told her in no uncertain terms that we would not need her again because 4yo is starting school, but she was almost blaming me and coercing me into giving her a job again by making me feel that she'd held out and turned down other offers for us.

Then, she said 1yo needed a bath and started to undress him. I was a bit Shock as she took all his clothes off and went into our bedroom to run him a bath but I didn't really know what to say.

She then stayed for three hours. Bathed 1yo, fed him, dressed him, read him a story and put him to bed. Shock Shock

As she was leaving she said to eldest "shall I take you out next week?" Eldest said "no thank you." She said "come on, we'll make a date,." Eldest DC again said, "no." Former Nanny said to me that she would text me a date about taking eldest DC out.

Dh and I are in disagreement. DH who thinks his DC are the most beautiful creatures on earth, says he can understand someone who has been away from them missing them like this and wanting to be around them again. I feel like she is just trying to get her job back. Am I being a heartless cow? Is this how you're supposed to transition away from a nanny? Gradual withdrawal?

What do you think?

OP posts:
Lochan · 15/02/2017 05:53

I agree with PPs. You need to re-examine your boundaries.

A woman you don't like and who didn't take proper care if your children, who you actively described as both manipulative and neglectful came to your house and without a by your leave bathed your child????Shock

And you think that taking your child back and asking her to leave is an overreaction ?

You need to block her number and not let her back in the house.

You don't owe her a living and she is not entitled to see your children at any time.

Your 4yo's instincts would seem to be better than yours. I'm sorry if that seems harsh.

TheMaddHugger · 15/02/2017 06:21

((((Hugs))))))) for your children, they are the ones I am afraid for. Protect them from this stalkerish cradle rocked obsessed person

IntoTheDeep · 15/02/2017 06:25

I wouldn't let the nanny take the 4 yr old out. The 4 yr old doesn't like her and doesn't want to be with her. There's absolutely no benefit to your 4 yr old in being forced to spend time with a former nanny that she dislikes. A former nanny who's made it clear to your 4 yr old that she likes the 4 yr olds sibling best and, who by your own account, pretty well ignored your 4 yr old as much as possible. It doesn't sound like a healthy situation to put your 4 yr old into.

I also wouldn't ever have her back as a nanny. Both because your 4 yr old doesn't like her and because of the way you describe her ignoring your wishes and instructions. You're under no obligation to give her a job or any further contact with your family.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 15/02/2017 06:45

Have to say I find your parenting more odd than the nanny's behaviour. I'd be half tempted to wonder if what had actually happened is she was making up for parental failure, rather than how you see it, because you don't act like you give a fig about your children's care. Everything seems more about an insult to your nerves.

Whatever happened, if this is real, sort yourself out. If you're a good parent you will protect your children and lay boundaries.

Count2three · 15/02/2017 06:53

This sounds like a v odd situation. Don't let her near your DC's again.

youarenotkiddingme · 15/02/2017 06:54

There's probably a really good reason she can't get another job.

Your op highlights most of them!

She doesn't sound nasty just clueless when it comes to the role of a nanny. And VERY thick skinned!

raviolidreaming · 15/02/2017 07:08

This is one of the single most ridiculous threads I have ever read

Agreed.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 15/02/2017 07:09

I'm a nanny with a great relationship with all my previous families and if I turned up then started undressing them for a bath, every single one of them would say "woah, hold on, what are you doing". The fact that you let her crack on is bizarre.

As is the fact that you didn't fire her when she explicitly went against your orders and fucked off and didn't bring the baby back to be fed (essentially leaving baby starving) nor when she started weaning early....never mind the fact she openly favoured on child over another Confused

tinglyfing · 15/02/2017 07:17

What the actual.......

Don't let her in your house again.

MadMags · 15/02/2017 07:22

Wtf did I just read??

JustSpeakSense · 15/02/2017 07:22

Don't let her on your house again, and don't let her take your children anywhere.

If you absolutely must see her again then meet her at the park or something.

I don't understand why you kept her around so long she sounds dreadful.

PlumsGalore · 15/02/2017 07:40

Only comment I have to make is she went off for six hours at a time with a BF baby? I couldn't leave mine for two hours without him being starving and rooting for a feed. Six hours would have been impossible.

storminabuttercup · 15/02/2017 07:49

You need to tell this woman to stay away, another one her concerned that you let this go on for 6 months!

SabineUndine · 15/02/2017 07:51

Your kids aside, I would read the situation as being that she hasn't managed to find another job or has been sacked from one and is trying to force you to employ her. I would tell her to go away and stay away or you'll report her for harassment.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 15/02/2017 07:58

Op you need to work on learning to say no, for your childrens sake, your dd doesn't like her, she massively oversteps boundaries and makes you feel uncomfortable enough to need to start a thread - three very good reasons to say no, you can be firm with out being rude:

Her" What day can I take did out for the day?"
You "Dd really doesn't want to so I am listening to what she wants. Thanks anyway & good luck with the job hunting"

Her "I might call round Tuesday to say hello"
You" Tuesday doesn't work for us, I have lots planned with the DC. Good luck with job hunt"

She is a former employee, people don't hand around offices when they leave

CookieLady · 15/02/2017 07:59
Shock
wrapsuperstar · 15/02/2017 08:01

MIL? Hmm

DesolateWaist · 15/02/2017 08:10

She sounds very manipulative.
Refuse any further contact.

Miserylovescompany2 · 15/02/2017 08:10

And you let this person back in your home. Treated her as a guest offering cups of tea and alike. She refuses, proceeds to undress your youngest and bathes him? WTAF?

The entire thing is ridiculousness personified...got to be a wind up?

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/02/2017 08:31

Tell her to eff off. Don't need to spare her feelings. Your children come first. Why are you wasting energy on her?

novemberontrumpwatch · 15/02/2017 08:42

As they say, more red flags than a communist revolution. And not just the nanny.

You need a slap with a wet haddock, really. Even my TWIN sister would never just bath my baby randomly, or change or feed him.

Ameliablue · 15/02/2017 08:43

it's very easy to profess to have strong boundaries online, but if a person who had previously been paid to take care of, bath and feed your DC did those things again, albeit a couple of months later, would you not think it was a bit of an over reaction to grab DC from them and tell them to leave?

I would absolutely not think this is an over reaction. She was not in your employ and hadn't been for a while and had way over stepped boundaries.

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 15/02/2017 08:48

Yes. All very odd.

ZuzuMyLittleGingersnap · 15/02/2017 08:48

OP,

As a former Nanny, I'm 100% in agreement with PPs beautifully making these points:

"...your dd doesn't like her, she massively oversteps boundaries and makes you feel uncomfortable enough to need to start a thread - three very good reasons to say no..."

"...she explicitly went against your orders and fucked off and didn't bring the baby back to be fed (essentially leaving baby starving)..."

"...The 4 yr old doesn't like her and doesn't want to be with her. There's absolutely no benefit to your 4 yr old in being forced to spend time with a former nanny that she dislikes. A former nanny who's made it clear to your 4 yr old that she likes the 4 yr olds sibling best and, who by your own account, pretty well ignored your 4 yr old as much as possible. It doesn't sound like a healthy situation to put your 4 yr old into..."

Was she registered? Qualified?

Steer clear.

ElderDruid · 15/02/2017 08:51

Ooh it sounds like your Nanny is my ex BF. She would come round and more or less take over the house. We would be cooking dinner, 'No, no, no, you're doing it all wrong!' (In her fake posh voice she copied from me!) Then totally took over cooking whilst we were gobsmacked.

When dinner was served, she would say to DS who was about 2, oh you have to behave like a gentleman, elbows of the table, eat this way, do this, do that. Then she did the same as what happened to you and decided he needed a bath and a massage. It totally blew my mind. Sometimes she would come on trips, you'd be forgiven for thinking she was Mum.

She even suggested to DH because I worked so hard, to pay the mortgage and bills, plus little luxuries, he would be so much better off with her. She wouldn't take away his masculinity, she would keep a perfect house, meal on table for when he got in, plus her amazing sexual abilities.

In no uncertain terms tell the Nanny that you don't think she should visit again. You're trying to establish your own routines, she was an employee not a friend. Your sorry she was under the impression that she might return, but that isn't the case. Wish her well, no further contact. Do it by text so she has it in black and white.

If she dares push it further, say to her that you were pretty shocked, as a visitor, she took it on herself to strip your DC and then go through your bedroom to bath him. You employed her as a Nanny. You tried to find suitable work when her contract ended, you thought that made it clear that there was no potential employment opportunity. You're not comfy with her visiting and pushing boundaries. Plus the eldest DC has expressed he really does not want to go on a play date with her, make of that what you will.

Personally I would be tempted to cease contact after the first text, but I fear she may be pretty pushy. Do not let yourself be bowled over by her.

DH probably thinks it's great she's willing to do these things for free, but she's not, she's expecting her old job back. Over her refusing jobs for you, I would suggest she's been employed, she acted the same way, ignoring wishes, she's in desperate need of work, which is not your problem.

Your house, your rules and boundaries.