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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think this is odd?

111 replies

rumbletums · 14/02/2017 23:49

We had a full time nanny for around 6 months last year for our 4yo and 1yo. She was fine, but not our ideal childcarer, because she didn't really listen to what we or the DC wanted or needed, she just did what she thought was right (which was good enough at the time, considering we were in transition.)

Examples of what she did that we didn't want: weaned youngest early. I was EBF-ing and she was giving him food because she thought she knew best. When he was finally weaning age. she was doing baby led weaning rather than purees (which was what i asked/prepared in fridge.) So I'd come back and there'd be a piece of carrot in his mouth when I'd asked her to use some apple puree. (I have no problem with BLW but purees are just easier for me and don't make me as anxious about choking etc.)

She also used to insist on taking both kids out all day while I was EBF-ing the youngest (he was 4 months) and not check her phone to come back when I needed her to come back for me to BF. Then ignore subsequent requests asking her to come back at certain times but always say she was very forgetful. She would go long periods (6 hours) not being in touch with us asking where she was, while she had both DC out with her.

She took a lot of managing and reminding about very basic things, like returning at a certain time, DC's meals and routines.

She also used to lecture us about bringing up DC and label the DCs (to us, not to them) as "intelligent" and "not intelligent" and "good" and "bad," according to what she observed. She used to sometimes judge us and tell us that we were not doing things in the proper way and were really disturbing our DC (we travelled a lot last year.) But I knew it was a temporary situation with her, so I just tuned her out a bit.

Oldest doesn't like her. Will not naturally go to her, was very reluctant to be left with her. It doesn't help that former Nanny is obsessed with youngest DC, who she spent all her time with, leaving oldest DC - when she was in her care - to wonder around aimlessly. Eldest got fed, bathed, changed, basic needs etc, but by the end did not get any further attention than that.

Christmas last year, former nanny's contract was up. We said that we weren't sure we needed a nanny anymore as oldest was about to start school. She told us that she wanted to go into a different line of work anyway. We helped her with a few applications and parted on good terms.

Yesterday former Nanny said she wanted to come and see the DC. This is surprising as she had no bond with 4yo at all, and 1yo just gets on/will go with everybody. She came to the house. 4yo ran away and would not go to her. She picked up youngest and carried him around. I offered her a cup of tea, like a guest, she said no. She then implied that she had turned down other job offers because she felt her loyalty was with us and she was waiting to see if we needed her again.

I had honestly told her in no uncertain terms that we would not need her again because 4yo is starting school, but she was almost blaming me and coercing me into giving her a job again by making me feel that she'd held out and turned down other offers for us.

Then, she said 1yo needed a bath and started to undress him. I was a bit Shock as she took all his clothes off and went into our bedroom to run him a bath but I didn't really know what to say.

She then stayed for three hours. Bathed 1yo, fed him, dressed him, read him a story and put him to bed. Shock Shock

As she was leaving she said to eldest "shall I take you out next week?" Eldest said "no thank you." She said "come on, we'll make a date,." Eldest DC again said, "no." Former Nanny said to me that she would text me a date about taking eldest DC out.

Dh and I are in disagreement. DH who thinks his DC are the most beautiful creatures on earth, says he can understand someone who has been away from them missing them like this and wanting to be around them again. I feel like she is just trying to get her job back. Am I being a heartless cow? Is this how you're supposed to transition away from a nanny? Gradual withdrawal?

What do you think?

OP posts:
user892 · 15/02/2017 01:05

She's got the sack and is trying to weedle her way back in. Don't let her. Be assertive.

MommaGee · 15/02/2017 01:13

Tbh OP I think you need to work on boundaries.

If even my sister came in and started undressing DS for a bath when I didn't want to I'd take him off her, redress hom and tell her no. Let alone not let her do his feed, bed etc. I dont get why you didn't just stop her.

And that's not even getting into why you didn't give her warning every time she disobeyed your requests for feeding, bringing the children home etc and then sack her

Re taking oldest DC out for goodness sake text her and tell her no. If she turns up do not let her take him out

ohtheholidays · 15/02/2017 01:14

Start protecting your DC!

Your older child is telling you all you need to know,they don't like her!
I'd want to know where the hell she'd been with my DC and there's no way I'd have let her back in the house let alone let her undress and bath the baby.

Her behaviour isn't normal and the way she favours very openly one of your DC other the other is waving red flags for me as well.

YouHadMeAtCake · 15/02/2017 01:22

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PennyPickle · 15/02/2017 01:29

Oldest doesn't like her. Will not naturally go to her, was very reluctant to be left with her. It doesn't help that former Nanny is obsessed with youngest DC, who she spent all her time with, leaving oldest DC - when she was in her care - to wonder around aimlessly. Eldest got fed, bathed, changed, basic needs etc, but by the end did not get any further attention than that

It all sounds a bit bizarre but how do you know eldest was left to wander around aimlessly and have no attention, other than basic needs met, whilst in the care of the nanny?

Sugarlumps333 · 15/02/2017 01:32

I am struggling to understand the 6 months part but the part where she turns up at your house and takes charge of your dc bathing and demanding to see them. Maybe I am just very rude but think my eyes would have popped out of my head, I wouldn't have been able to be so polite. Something along the lines of 'get out and don't come back'. Very uncivilised of me but: you owe this person nothing and something about her seems very, very off.

Sugarlumps333 · 15/02/2017 01:35

Also: what mummagee said about boundaries - from some of what i read on mumsnet i am starting to think i am mad or there are a lot of fake threads. In what world do people tolerate things like this and then later protest by asking 'aibu' etc. I don't do it often, but very capable of setting loud and clear boundaries and then don't look back. If this is real, for your dc sake, you might want to grow a pair.

Creampastry · 15/02/2017 01:35

She's strange and you should not let her in your house again or have any contact with your dc.

rumbletums · 15/02/2017 01:38

The reason oldest doesn't like her is because she favours the youngest. Not for any creepy reason.

OP posts:
rumbletums · 15/02/2017 01:40

sugarlumps it's very easy to profess to have strong boundaries online, but if a person who had previously been paid to take care of, bath and feed your DC did those things again, albeit a couple of months later, would you not think it was a bit of an over reaction to grab DC from them and tell them to leave?

We didn't sack her. Her contract ran out.

OP posts:
RebootYourEngine · 15/02/2017 01:44

No OP its not an over reaction.

Why didnt you sack her? There is no way i would have allowed her to behave that way. She acted and is still trying to act like she is their mother.

Block her and do not let her anywhere near your kids.

NightTerrier · 15/02/2017 02:01

The nanny sounds seriously weird and not someone that I'd want in my house or around my family. I'd ghost her and totally ignore her tbh. She'd soon get the message.

Sugarlumps333 · 15/02/2017 02:05

No I wouldn't - couldn't care less. My children, my rules, my priorities. Your nanny sounds very unsettling and all 'niceties' would go out the window - just wouldn't waste my time or take any unnecessary risks. Realy and truly, in real life, i wouldn't have let her stay the 6 months but if I had and she came back, would have just told her to go. Wouldn't have stood there with my mouth opening wondering why she was bathing my child. But that's just me, obviously!

lalalalyra · 15/02/2017 02:08

If she was your MIL people would be suggesting you go NC... No-one with that level of disregard and disrespect for my wishes would be in my home. She came into your home and told you that your baby needed a bath. Then bathed the baby without any discussion with you.

The reason oldest doesn't like her is because she favours the youngest. Not for any creepy reason.

You paid her to provide childcare to bothof your children. Your 4-year-old child should have no idea that the nanny has a favourite.

Do not let this woman in your house or around your children OP. If for nothing else you cannot let someone into your lives who is so blatant about their favouritism that your 4-year-old knows it.

TheStoic · 15/02/2017 02:10

I think it's completely reasonable behaviour.

The last job I left - I just wandered back in, sat at my old desk, and started typing until they agreed to pay me again.

lalalalyra · 15/02/2017 02:11

Also attempting to fuck about with your wishes and attempts to EBF your youngest is at best completely out of order and at worst fucking creepy. I'd be putting serious boundaries between her and your children. And you - she has absolutely zero respect for you.

WickedLazy · 15/02/2017 02:15

Op if you have a green house, I would stay away from it for a while. She sounds nuttier than squirrel shit.

Seriously though, agree if my own sister had just randomly decided to not only bathe my ds, but enter my bedroom, without permission, I would be baffled and annoyed. When you're a guest in someone's house you just don't do that.

MichaelSheensNextDW · 15/02/2017 02:47

Seriously, get some boundaries, as a matter of urgency.
And you don't know how she treated your 4yo whilst apart from you; take good note of their behaviour and protect your children from someone who is clearly barking.
You are the parent. When they are so young, you control who they interact with and on what terms.

kindermog · 15/02/2017 03:06

I'm really struggling to understand how this happened. Ignoring all the concerns you had whilst she was working for you, this happened when she was an ex-employee:

"Then, she said 1yo needed a bath and started to undress him. I was a bit shock as she took all his clothes off and went into our bedroom to run him a bath but I didn't really know what to say.

She then stayed for three hours. Bathed 1yo, fed him, dressed him, read him a story and put him to bed."

Aside from the fact your eldest child is running away from her, WHY did this happen?

Why did she stay for three hours? What were you doing whilst she took your baby away to bath, feed, dress and bed?

Seriously? Were you just sitting staring at the walls? Convince me this isn't a big old pile of BS.

CrikeyPeg · 15/02/2017 04:05

What kindermog and pretty much every other poster said.

How old is the nanny?

saladsmoothie · 15/02/2017 04:15

Hmm. I think you're not in UK op, and I think we're not talking about a trained qualified nanny, are we?

bloodymaria · 15/02/2017 04:28

I think you let it go on too long in the first place, you need to take steps now to keep this lady away from your DC.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 15/02/2017 05:03

Breathe a sigh of relief she's no longer in your house and around your children. Then say no to any more visits! And repeat one line politely but with no variation until she gets the message... eg "No sorry we can't do X'

It's hard to be a manager in your own home but hopefully you'll have learnt some toughness from this experience. It's also good to know when you need to terminate employment contracts, and not let someone behave badly and against your wishes.

I find it hard to do too, but am learning slowly!

Chinnygirl · 15/02/2017 05:06

Stop letting her be the boss in your house and of your children. And don't reply or let her through the door again.

There is no way I would keep on a nanny who refuses to listen and who is bad for the kids (favouritism is really bad).

PovertyPain · 15/02/2017 05:09

Either this is a made up thread or you're an incredibly neglectful parent! If this person really did all that you say, then you need to keep your kids the hell away from her. Are you assuming your daughter is like this because this weirdo prefers your youngest? I sincerely doubt that is the reason.

I also think this woman has turned up in order to keep your daughter quiet about something. Telling a young child, that doesn't want to have anything to do with her, that she will take her away from her home for the day sounds more like a threat.

If this was a man behaving is such a manner, would you be ok with that, or would your alarm bells be ringing? Never mind alarm bells I can hear a bloody ship's horn!