Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think this is odd?

111 replies

rumbletums · 14/02/2017 23:49

We had a full time nanny for around 6 months last year for our 4yo and 1yo. She was fine, but not our ideal childcarer, because she didn't really listen to what we or the DC wanted or needed, she just did what she thought was right (which was good enough at the time, considering we were in transition.)

Examples of what she did that we didn't want: weaned youngest early. I was EBF-ing and she was giving him food because she thought she knew best. When he was finally weaning age. she was doing baby led weaning rather than purees (which was what i asked/prepared in fridge.) So I'd come back and there'd be a piece of carrot in his mouth when I'd asked her to use some apple puree. (I have no problem with BLW but purees are just easier for me and don't make me as anxious about choking etc.)

She also used to insist on taking both kids out all day while I was EBF-ing the youngest (he was 4 months) and not check her phone to come back when I needed her to come back for me to BF. Then ignore subsequent requests asking her to come back at certain times but always say she was very forgetful. She would go long periods (6 hours) not being in touch with us asking where she was, while she had both DC out with her.

She took a lot of managing and reminding about very basic things, like returning at a certain time, DC's meals and routines.

She also used to lecture us about bringing up DC and label the DCs (to us, not to them) as "intelligent" and "not intelligent" and "good" and "bad," according to what she observed. She used to sometimes judge us and tell us that we were not doing things in the proper way and were really disturbing our DC (we travelled a lot last year.) But I knew it was a temporary situation with her, so I just tuned her out a bit.

Oldest doesn't like her. Will not naturally go to her, was very reluctant to be left with her. It doesn't help that former Nanny is obsessed with youngest DC, who she spent all her time with, leaving oldest DC - when she was in her care - to wonder around aimlessly. Eldest got fed, bathed, changed, basic needs etc, but by the end did not get any further attention than that.

Christmas last year, former nanny's contract was up. We said that we weren't sure we needed a nanny anymore as oldest was about to start school. She told us that she wanted to go into a different line of work anyway. We helped her with a few applications and parted on good terms.

Yesterday former Nanny said she wanted to come and see the DC. This is surprising as she had no bond with 4yo at all, and 1yo just gets on/will go with everybody. She came to the house. 4yo ran away and would not go to her. She picked up youngest and carried him around. I offered her a cup of tea, like a guest, she said no. She then implied that she had turned down other job offers because she felt her loyalty was with us and she was waiting to see if we needed her again.

I had honestly told her in no uncertain terms that we would not need her again because 4yo is starting school, but she was almost blaming me and coercing me into giving her a job again by making me feel that she'd held out and turned down other offers for us.

Then, she said 1yo needed a bath and started to undress him. I was a bit Shock as she took all his clothes off and went into our bedroom to run him a bath but I didn't really know what to say.

She then stayed for three hours. Bathed 1yo, fed him, dressed him, read him a story and put him to bed. Shock Shock

As she was leaving she said to eldest "shall I take you out next week?" Eldest said "no thank you." She said "come on, we'll make a date,." Eldest DC again said, "no." Former Nanny said to me that she would text me a date about taking eldest DC out.

Dh and I are in disagreement. DH who thinks his DC are the most beautiful creatures on earth, says he can understand someone who has been away from them missing them like this and wanting to be around them again. I feel like she is just trying to get her job back. Am I being a heartless cow? Is this how you're supposed to transition away from a nanny? Gradual withdrawal?

What do you think?

OP posts:
BlondeBecky1983 · 15/02/2017 08:55

I find your DH's attitude very bizarre! What is his relationship with her like?

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 15/02/2017 08:56

Your opening post lists quite a lot of issues you had with her and the impression you gave there certainly wasn't that these were things that only happened on the odd occasion Confused

It sounds like you need to have a good think about boundaries and decide what is and isn't acceptable from others interacting with your children, be that a paid nanny or your own parents, siblings, friends.

You have described someone riding roughshod over parenting decisions that should be non negotiable with anyone other than DH! Yet you waited until her contract expired rather than say this is not what we want and then seem to have stood ineffectually wringing your hands when she waded in while visiting? Really Op for your dc sake you need to get tougher!

Butteredpars1ps · 15/02/2017 09:02

Listen to your 4 year old.

There is Something very wrong here. You don't owe this woman anything.

LIZS · 15/02/2017 09:04

I don't get why you didn't use the bath as a reason for her to need to leave. Why just let her carry on ? She sounds very controlling and no when she texts just tell her it doesn't work for you and block her. Don't engage in discussion. Do you have childcare atm or plan to, you might want to work on your boundaries and assertiveness. Did you give former nanny a reference?

ElderDruid · 15/02/2017 09:10

Please don't let her in your house again, she sounds like a danger to your children.

It's simply odd your DH is thinking you are over reacting. Either he has a soft spot for her or is completely bonkers.

My ex BF thought she could 'make herself at home' using my things as she liked. I'm not the most assertive person, I will admit, I knew when I'd had enough and internally was screaming 'get the fuck away from me' I had to put a distance between her and the whole family.

You've seen fatal attraction right?

MommaGee · 15/02/2017 09:13

sugarlumps it's very easy to profess to have strong boundaries online, but if a person who had previously been paid to take care of, bath and feed your DC did those things again, albeit a couple of months later, would you not think it was a bit of an over reaction to grab DC from them and tell them to leave?
No. Of anyone came in and started taking my kids clothes off I'd say "what are you doing?
" giving thrm a bath!". "We that later, please pit his top back on" "no! I used to be your nanny and I know better than you!"
You: take baby and ask her to leave.

We didn't sack her. Her contract ran out.
You should have

ElderDruid · 15/02/2017 09:13

Don't even answer the door if she comes again. Go into the rear of the house & ignore, tell your DH under no circumstances is she to enter.

As others have mentioned you need boundaries and quick. Ok you may be relaxed about it or you just didn't know how to assert yourself.

Either way your eldest DD is waving a big flag in your face that you should not ignore.

DameSquashalot · 15/02/2017 09:21

I would definitely brief the school as suggested up thread

Jenbob13 · 15/02/2017 09:21

There are occasions in life where we (as human beings and maternal creatures) are fully permitted to tell someone to "fuck off". Nothing else, just "fuck off".

This is one of those occasions.

spiney · 15/02/2017 09:33

Sounds like she walked all over you in the past. Ignored requests and boundaries. Dominated the relationship with you. Did the job you paid her for badly. Sounds like she is dominating and manipulative and you less assertive and over reasonable. It happens.

And now she is back. You don't feel good about her. Your child doesn't want to see her. This is really simple . All the bells are ringing. Move forward. End it.

You do not owe her anything! It is not about what she wants!
*Her visit was just returning to the past pattern of her dominating and controlling.
*
Time to grow up. You know what you all want to do. It is just all about you knowing how to end it.

Cabbage had good phrases to use. Be firm and positive. Remember it's what you and your family want. Not her.

Oliversmumsarmy · 15/02/2017 09:48

She walked all over you before and she is walking all over you again.

Time to start saying no.

You warned her, she was good the next week then slipped the time the week after. At this point she should have been out the door not given another 6 months to do as she pleased.

Sunnysky2016 · 15/02/2017 09:52

Really strange- keep her away

Theyhaveallbeenused2 · 15/02/2017 09:55

Really strange...I don't understand why you didn't end contract early when.she would go awol with your ebf baby for hours and presumably baby wasn't getting fed at all?.

CatsRidingRollercoasters · 15/02/2017 10:01

I bloody hope this is a windup, but just in case it's not...

Don't give her a reference - not fair on future employers.

Tell the school - she might try to collect.

WTF?

diddl · 15/02/2017 10:16

Very odd that you let her visit at all odder still that you let her bath your youngest!

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 15/02/2017 10:20

The only bizarre thing here is that you kept her for more than a week. I find it hard to believe anyone could behave as you have, tbh.

sadie9 · 15/02/2017 10:36

If she was your Mother in Law you'd be complaining from the rafters about her possessive and bizarre behaviour.
She's very odd. Don't let her near your kids again. She wants to believe your kids are her kids. You and your kids are some part of her grand plan to make herself feeled fulfilled again. She's too scared and effed up to get another job somewhere else, or has been refused jobs due to the sort of behaviour she behaves with you. She has control issues and the only time she feels in control is controlling those who will take orders from her - kids. When she's out pushing the buggy she is pretending she's the mother.
Check out her facebook page, I'd say it's full of postings about how badly she is treated, how she needs to be 'healed' and all sorts of rantings about how the world done her wrong.
Break contact with her as much as you can, but always be very very polite, but absolutely firm and crystal clear in any dealings with her. If you annoy this very sensitive woman she may become unpleasant if challenged.

rumbletums · 15/02/2017 10:44

Thank you for responses and tips on establishing boundaries. I agree that my boundaries are not great.

of course she will not take 4yo out! We never considered that - what I was asking about is whether it's normal for a nanny to want repeated access to DC after a contract has ended. DH thinks it is. I think it isn't.

Some responders are quoting from extreme posts which I didn't write and confusing the OP posts with posts from others.

Altogether she was a satisfactory Nanny. She thought she knew best, which had to be corrected several times throughout her contract with us. DH and I both also worked from home, so supervised quite a lot of her care as well.

I was lucky enough for my youngest to be the type of baby who could go between feeds for gaps of up to six hours when he was four months old. I certainly didn't "starve" my child as some of you are saying.

Some of the words you are using are too extreme "starvation, abusive, neglect." This is not the situation here and I'm sorry if my post gives that impression.

OP posts:
CountUpTo3 · 15/02/2017 10:53

This is more than odd, it's manipulative. I wouldn't want anything to do with her at all, and I certainly wouldn't want her anywhere near my children.

You're clearly a very easy-going person, but I think you have to plan for the worst in the hope that it doesn't go that far. Make sure that you and your OH are absolutely 100% on not wanting contact with her. Make sure that family, daycare/school, close friends know you've severed contact with her. Be firm and polite in not giving her access to the children - 'good luck with the rest of your life'.

I've been an au pair several times and this is absolutely not normal. She needs to move on, no matter how strongly she is attached to your baby.

rumbletums · 15/02/2017 11:22

Thank you countupto3 that's really helpful

OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 15/02/2017 11:24

rumble while I agree that some responses may be a bit hysterical I don't really see how you could see her as a "satisfactory nanny" given what you yourself outlined. I'm not trying to be harsh but consider whether you are being a bit defensive/minimising because of some of the stronger responses.

The impression I get from your posts is that you pushed aside your own concerns and reservations possibly from feeling awkward about being confrontational? You'll come across plenty of overbearing people in life, it's important for your children's sake as well as your own to learn how to deal with them.

Chippednailvarnishing · 15/02/2017 11:58

Altogether she was a satisfactory Nanny

Your idea of satisfactory is my idea of completely inadequate. You need to start looking out more assertively for your children's well-being, as your lack of action is leaving them vunerable.

ScarlettFreestone · 15/02/2017 14:16

She was not!a satisfactory nanny!

You have said that she ignored your instructions and ignored the 4yo. Not satisfactory.

Some nannys do maintain a relationship with their former families but it's not mandatory.

You clearly don't like this woman.

More importantly your child doesn't like her.

She tramples all over you even on a visit. That isn't normal.

Stop letting her in your home.

ZuzuMyLittleGingersnap · 15/02/2017 14:54

OP,

"I certainly didn't "starve" my child as some of you are saying."

Am obviously only speaking for myself here, but just to clarify what I did mean in my post upthread (perhaps it didn't come across in the way I intended?):

On that particular point, I quoted another PP's opinion I agreed with:

"...she explicitly went against your orders and fucked off and didn't bring the baby back to be fed (essentially leaving baby starving)..."

I was wholeheartedly levelling the criticism there at the irresponsibility and lack of knowledge shown by the Nanny, who ignored your wishes and showed no sensitivity to your 4 month old DS's needs.

Not directed at you...(indeed, you stated that she dismissed your requests for her to bring DS home to BF, refused to check your phone messages and vanished with him for 6 hr stretches).

Hope that reads better Smile

I stand by the other points in my 1st post.

WantingBaby1 · 15/02/2017 15:49

Sounds very odd to me. Not unreasonable at all to not want her back!

Swipe left for the next trending thread