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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should contribute to childcare

37 replies

spaceyface89 · 14/02/2017 22:02

My ex-partner broke up with me just after Christmas. We have an eight month old DS. I went back to work in January and my DS is full time with my parents until May when he'll go to nursery. Ex earns 40k and has checked CMS which says he should pay 300 monthly. This is fine for now, but when my DS starts childcare, the costs will go up considerably. He refuses to pay any more than the CMS amount. AIBU unreasonable to think that maintenance and childcare are separate?

Ex moved into a his mate's spare room paying minimum rent, whereas I've had to find a two bed flat which has doubled the outgoings in rent / council tax / bills when we lived together. In my mind, that 300 he pays helps to compensate for this added cost, plus food, clothes etc, and shouldn't include childcare

OP posts:
tiredofhavingtothinkofnewnames · 14/02/2017 22:05

Depending n your income you may be eligible of help with costs? Nav you look into that?

Trifleorbust · 14/02/2017 22:08

The reality is that he will be responsible for childcare during his contact hours, you during yours.

BorrowedHeart · 14/02/2017 22:10

He's not resonsoble for childcare when the child is with you. I'm not 100% on that, but that's how I'd view it

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/02/2017 22:10

Legally he isn't required to pay more than CMS.

BarbarianMum · 14/02/2017 22:13

What trifle says. The best thing you can do is ensure that some of his contact time is during the week e.g. every other Friday/Sat rather than eow.

Solasum · 14/02/2017 22:14

You should be able to claim tax credits against 75% of the cost. Also check whether your employer offers childcare vouchers, though I think you need to be in a scheme before April. You can get them
In advance though.

He is not obliged to pay for childcare I am afraid. Have you sorted out contact? you could try and say he is responsible for certain days I suppose.

khajiit13 · 14/02/2017 22:15

I don't think YABU but the law doesn't support that. Unless you want to suggest 50/50 I don't think you'll get anywhere.

Original poster
spaceyface89 · 14/02/2017 22:15

I know legally I can't make him pay more but I mean morally, is it not ok to think that would be acceptable? I find it entirely frustrating and beyond the pale, as he earns 15k more than me, and when I was on SMP, he was adamant I need to pay half rent and bills, which is 250 quid a month more than he's offering to pay now, and he claims he can't afford it

OP posts:
FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 14/02/2017 22:16

Are you eligible for tax credits? Because that will help a lot with childcare costs. We wouldn't have coped without it.

I don't believe he is obliged to increase what he pays because of what is considered your costs.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/02/2017 22:16

The bottom line is he doesn't have to, no matter what you, I or anyone else thinks.

Solasum · 14/02/2017 22:17

Morally you are right of course. Do you have any contact with his wider family who might be able to intercede for you?

justlikekatycarr · 14/02/2017 22:19

YANB remotely U, OP, but I suspect many will state you are and inform you that you should rely on the state rather than your child's father to assist in the costs of raising him.

WhippinPiccadilly1 · 14/02/2017 22:19

If you aren't entitled to tax credits towards the cost, then morally he should contribute. Most single parents however, will find themselves entitled to help towards the costs. Have you looked in to it? I earn a PT wage of 20k and get the full 70% towards them. Even with my FT wage at 36k I was getting the vast majority paid for.

I can see this from both sides. As a single parent who barely even gets the CMS minimum (usual story, ex refusing to pay etc). And also having a boyfriend with a 12 month old child. His ex asked the same of him, and he was considering it, until he realised on her 14k wage, she was getting the full 70% paid. I suggested he offer her half of the remaining 30% as a compromise. But he declined to as a) he is paying over CMS rates anyway b) contributes towards big items and c) the fact she didn't tell him about her entitlement to tax credits.

Childcare... It's a nightmare. So expensive. Please look in to tax credits if you haven't (even if you earn over the threshold). You might be surprised. Entiteldto.com is a good place to start looking.

Mari50 · 14/02/2017 22:21

You'll be entitled to a reasonable amount of tax credits if you were smp so apply for that now.

NeverTwerkNaked · 14/02/2017 22:29

You may well find you are entitled to tax credits to help with childcare costs?

Also, or alternatively, - could he/ your parents have your Ds one day a week or something while you work? ( My kids dad does that)

NeverTwerkNaked · 14/02/2017 22:31

(I agree with you from a moral perspective though; but realistically it is probably better we rely on the state rather than dads who can "forget" to pay even normal maintenance ....

hibbledobble · 14/02/2017 22:33

Have you looked at all the available help with childcare : child and working tax credits, tax free childcare vouchers?

I think you do have a point, but legally he is in the right.

Writerwannabe83 · 14/02/2017 22:33

I have two friends who are single mothers and they both get 70% of their childcare paid for them. Is this something you've looked in to?

ClopySow · 14/02/2017 22:37

If you're earning 25k, you'll be eligible for tax credits

WankersHacksandThieves · 14/02/2017 22:41

Why don't you split access 50/50 and then he can pay for the childcare he will need when he is responsible for your child.

The system is all wrong. YANBU regardless of the legalities.

user1471530109 · 14/02/2017 22:41

OP. I 100% agree with you. My exH walked out when our second DC had just turned 1. I then had two DC in nursery. He has always paid more than required to cover the childcare bills. Why the hell should I either give up work or rely on the state when we were together we paid it as a joint bill?!
He has agreed. Lots o moaning from the selfish bitch he was having the affair with but after three years he has kept to his side of the deal. She starts school in September and he will drop payments down. But actually, I think I'll be better off as his amount only just covered childcare bill as a whole.

I agree to you explaining it in terms of a short term amount. Maybe reassessing when the 'free hours' of preschool education come in?
I feel for you. It's v unfair. My solicitor said it was a common arrangement with his clients to do this.

Original poster
spaceyface89 · 14/02/2017 22:41

Thanks all, I have looked at Tax Credits although I can't apply for the childcare element until he actually starts nursery. It will be a great help. I still feel angry that he is relinquished from any proper support and the state has to relieve him of his duty, it's not right.

OP posts:
toddlermom · 14/02/2017 22:55

I just posted a thread exactly on this topic for my best friend, her loser ex literally pays the minimum he can and he's on £200k, it's SO infuriating that they legally don't need to pay any more!! Really feel for you [flowers}

Trifleorbust · 15/02/2017 00:34

Have you suggested 50/50 in terms of childcare?

ClopySow · 15/02/2017 07:53

It is really frustrating that (mostly) men are absolved of financial responsibility when a relationship breaks down and the government, via other taxpayers, pick up the slack. It's all back to front.

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