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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think going to a spa for a first date is too much?

108 replies

lottieandmia · 14/02/2017 16:35

Guy I dated for a short time last year, ended by me because he was clingy.

Recently he got in touch and I thought I might give him another chance. But now he is getting all over the top again as if we are in a relationship and this is before the date. I.e. 'do you know what happened last night? I had a dream about you. But I've been worrying all day that it will annoy you' and he's suggesting we go to the swanky spa nearby for this date. I would have suggested a drink.

This isn't going to work is it?

I thought he might have learned from last time. I have very few evenings to myself and there are about 3 other people who've asked me to go out so should I give this one another chance or try someone new?

OP posts:
HarmlessChap · 15/02/2017 14:32

A spa date is the kind of thing you'd see on "Take me out" somewhat over familiar for the early days of a relationship.

acquiescence · 15/02/2017 14:49

It's not really a first date if you used to date is it? Sounds like you have different things in mind, I'd leave it.

MPerspective · 15/02/2017 15:56

Wow, he is too pushy.Trying to force things to happen too much it seems.

If he is like this now, imagine what it would be like later on.

Dodge a bullet and get out of this while you can...

ShatnersWig · 15/02/2017 16:24

OP with the best will in the world, although he may well be a clingy pain in the arse, you're not being fair to him. You banged it on the head once because he was too clingy after 6 weeks, he's shown you he's not changed, and rather than say "sorry, but no" totally, you turned down the spa idea and suggested going for drinks! When quite clearly, this is not going to go anywhere other than precisely what happened when you dating him last time. The fact you've been saying what you've said on this thread shows that. Put the poor guy out of his misery, don't lead him on by agreeing to go for drinks with him, and move on.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 15/02/2017 17:18

Yes Wig - I can see what you mean. I didn't want a full on date & I wanted to see if I could speak to him in person about the clingyness in a less full on environment.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieandmia · 15/02/2017 17:19

Really to see if there is still any chemistry

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieandmia · 15/02/2017 17:21

It turns out he's decided we're going to the spa anyway 'because I need looking after' and has totally ignored what I said so I think some of you were right.

OP posts:
blowmybarnacles · 15/02/2017 17:36

Whilst the choice of date is not my cup of tea, its the fact that he won't listen to you that would drive me away. If he isn't listening now whilst trying to woo you, then he never will.

Clnz4fun · 15/02/2017 17:45

He is way ott and you are right to feel like pulling away from him. And with your last posts he is basically thinking and doing for you which is not a good sign for me even if it's disguised as a treat for you and when you have expressed your feeling on it already.

I had a couple dates with a perfectly nice guy but he seemed way too emotionally invested in me after only 2 dates.
I let him down gently and created distance, he still messages me from time to time even yesterday but I politely turn him down.

This stuff makes me feel like going for a run in a metaphorical run away from him on your behalf.

pictish · 15/02/2017 17:48

I think your instincts are serving you well. The problem with too-much-too-soon people is that they are usually high drama and intense.
He bought his wife everything she wanted so she owed him a relationship, right? She upped and left for no reason!

He isn't a nice guy, he's a Nice Guy.

SherbrookeFosterer · 15/02/2017 18:16

Your heart isn't in it and you seem popular, so go with your instincts.

Fairer on you and in the long run, him too.

toffeepuddin · 15/02/2017 18:38

There's in between with men, I think. My boyfriend cancelled on me all the time for the first few months, made it out like he didn't even like me at all though he didConfused still going strong nearly 3 years later.
Id say give the bloke a chance, for a couple of month and see if anything changes. If not, as others have said, id knock it on the head and don't waste eachother's time.

yellowfrog · 15/02/2017 18:54

So you said no to the spa and now he's said you're both going anyway? Run for the hills - controlling weirdo alert!!

EggsEleven · 15/02/2017 19:21

It turns out he's decided we're going to the spa anyway 'because I need looking after' and has totally ignored what I said so I think some of you were right

What a dick. And a control freak. Why haven't you binned him off yet OP?

thenightsky · 15/02/2017 20:23

Urgh. Just tell him he's dumped already. Can't believed he switched the 'just a drink' to a full on spa date. Shock

Sara107 · 15/02/2017 20:55

Well, it's not really a first date is it? But a spa is not my idea of a date at all! Think a spa trip is for friends or solo relaxing. It sounds like you like the idea of him, great job, great friends etc but actually you don't like him much at all. So let him go and try some of your many other options.

Strygil · 15/02/2017 22:18

This man has a narcissistic personality disorder. Tell him to fuck off, loudly and repeatedly, until he does.

BakeOffBiscuits · 16/02/2017 07:55

Get rid.

He won't listen to you for something like a date, imagine what ge will be like in other areas of life.

He's a controlling arse!

ClopySow · 16/02/2017 08:01

I went on a date with a guy like this. He behaved like we were in a relationship. It made me really uncomfortable, but like you, i was trying do deal with my issues of not dealing well with men who weren't distance so i thought i was the problem. I wasn't. It took months to get rid of him. I eventually had to text "this is getting really creepy now, please stop contacting me"

eddielizzard · 16/02/2017 08:04

yes, cancel. he's not listening, he's pressuring.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 16/02/2017 08:06

I think that saying he has NPD is a stretch too far. I've come across narcissists and I really don't think he is one. But he definitely has manipulated this so that we are in an environment where he feels he can control the outcome.

OP posts:
DameDeDoubtance · 16/02/2017 08:13

He sounds awful. He steamrolls over all your suggestions and keeps pushing his agenda. Unfortunately we are conditioned to see this as romance. I would love to chat with his ex wife, bet there is a wee bit more to that story!

ComicSans · 16/02/2017 08:22

He sounds gruesome, OP. Just tell him this isn't going to work. Clingy and pushy is not an attractive combination.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 16/02/2017 08:46

' I would love to chat with his ex wife'

Me too! People don't just leave their marriage on a whim. I've cancelled anyway.

OP posts:
DameDeDoubtance · 16/02/2017 08:59

good for you lottie, he sounds complicated.

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