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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think going to a spa for a first date is too much?

108 replies

lottieandmia · 14/02/2017 16:35

Guy I dated for a short time last year, ended by me because he was clingy.

Recently he got in touch and I thought I might give him another chance. But now he is getting all over the top again as if we are in a relationship and this is before the date. I.e. 'do you know what happened last night? I had a dream about you. But I've been worrying all day that it will annoy you' and he's suggesting we go to the swanky spa nearby for this date. I would have suggested a drink.

This isn't going to work is it?

I thought he might have learned from last time. I have very few evenings to myself and there are about 3 other people who've asked me to go out so should I give this one another chance or try someone new?

OP posts:

Original poster

lottieandmia · 15/02/2017 09:51

Yes that's what it is sum. We only dated for a short time last year - about 6 weeks. I don't want to jump into anything.

When I describe to people why I ended it they say it sounds harsh. He used to do things like kiss me while he was on the phone to people. I don't want to be with someone who needs me.

OP posts:

RaeofSun · 15/02/2017 09:52

Could you say to him that you do like him and would like to see him again but what he terms as passionate, you term as over the top, clingy, too much too soon, too full on, you're not yet in the same place as he appears to be and also this much this soon leaves little for lovely surprises if the relationship develops.

Otherwise sounds like he could be lovebombing perhaps?

Original poster

lottieandmia · 15/02/2017 09:54

It feels like he's trying to rush to a point where I'm married to him or living with him or something.

OP posts:

Kr1stina · 15/02/2017 10:00

He's already making you uncomfortable just thinking about your first date.

It doesn't matter if others think youre harsh and he's a great guy. You are not compatible, end this now and stop wasting time. His and yours.

xStefx · 15/02/2017 10:04

Aw OP, he sounds nice but clearly not for you :-) My ex was sooo nice (I felt so bad ending it) but god the poor guy was sickenly nice and clingy too. Before Anyone has a go and says "being too nice isn't a crime" blah blah Im know this, it just wasn't for me and doesn't sound like OP can stomach much of it either. Leave him get on with it. Would it suit you to be friends with him as he sounds like he is a nice guy? xx

toomanycatsonthebed · 15/02/2017 10:25

Run....!

Original poster

lottieandmia · 15/02/2017 10:45

He's just texted to say sorry for asking to come round last night.

OP posts:

Original poster

lottieandmia · 15/02/2017 10:47

I worry that it's me who's abnormal because my father was always cold and distant and I tend to be attracted to cold, distant men.

OP posts:

RaeofSun · 15/02/2017 10:55

Your father's personality could have a bearing on your perception but if his way of showing affection makes you run for the hills then it isn't for you

RaeofSun · 15/02/2017 10:55

Your father's personality could have a bearing on your perception but if his way of showing affection makes you run for the hills then it isn't for you

RaeofSun · 15/02/2017 10:56

Sorry for double post

VestalVirgin · 15/02/2017 11:05

He is an adult man.

I really get the impression that he does not want to learn from mistakes.

To those who say that is just his style, well, perhaps, but then he is actively trying to get rid of OP to be with a woman who really loves him, is he?

And she should let him go.

Someone who really wants to make a relationship work would at least compromise somewhat, I would think.

ijustwannadance · 15/02/2017 11:07

Clingy is so unattractive.

His ex wife clearly thought so too!

VestalVirgin · 15/02/2017 11:10

I worry that it's me who's abnormal because my father was always cold and distant and I tend to be attracted to cold, distant men

Hm, no. My father is perfectly normal, and I still find this guy a bit over the top, considering that it is a first date.

Like, date location is debatable, but asking to come round after you already told him you find him too clingy? Does he not listen?

I had a guy expect to stay over night at the second date. Made me run for the hills. I mean, I was not into him, so I don't know what I would have felt like if I was, but ... well, there is probably a reason it is not usually considered the polite thing to invite oneself, is it?

dowhatnow · 15/02/2017 11:12

He's not learnt from the first time and he's already making you uncomfortable. May be worth a frank conversation but I certainly wouldn't put any money on this relationship lasting.

SleepFreeZone · 15/02/2017 11:12

I'd be wanting to know what caused his marriage to break up if he is such a great guy who bought his ex everything she ever wanted?

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 15/02/2017 11:18

It's not a first date when you went out before. But it doesn't sound like you like him in the slightest, so why go out with him at all?

plimsolls · 15/02/2017 11:20

No.

Do not date him!

Regardless of whether his actions are objectively understandable or not (and fwiw I think way too full on so either controlling or needy), it's clearly not right for you anyway. That's ok. You don't have to force yourself to try and like the way he does stuff.

Also, I know a few blokes who are popular amongst friendship group but still very strange in terms of their attitude towards women and romance and dating. I think it can be a mistake to assume social popularity is a marker of anything. Sometimes people can appear popular with social groups because they're full on and gregarious, will do loads of favours, generous with drinks or whatever, but it's a bit diluted amongst a social group so doesn't come across needy or clingy. you also don't know what all these friends really think of him if pressed.

Anyway, listen to your gut. Even if he's not actually a wrongun, he's the wrong one for you.

Original poster

lottieandmia · 15/02/2017 11:24

I do like him as a person and to speak to. I'm confused. Ironically it was me who asked him out the first time. So I did like him. I just can't stand people acting like we are dependent on each other. I don't need anyone and I certainly don't need someone who expects me to rely on them. Last year my daughter was very ill running a temperature on 43 degrees and he wanted to come over with his dd to 'help'. I said 'surely you don't want your dd to catch it??'

Wrt his ex wife - according to him it's all her fault - she just up and left him for no good reason. I highly doubt that is the case, of course.

OP posts:

QueenofallIsee · 15/02/2017 11:28

I would actually find this red flag territory....He is v determined to force you to do things HIS way. Trampling over your boundaries, trying to suggest that you are lucky he wants you (cos he buys stuff for his ladeez), trying to hurry along physical intimacy before you are ready (spa in swimmers, kissing), the I'm afraid you will be angry remark would be enough to kill it for me...so passive aggressive!

EggsEleven · 15/02/2017 11:31

Everything that Queen said. Along with blaming his ex for everything, you have red flag bunting.

GrannyGoggles · 15/02/2017 11:51

A third one who sees red flags all over. Step away now. It could get v messy v quickly

Niskayuna · 15/02/2017 12:03

You know what I don't like about his comment? The "... but I've been worrying it will annoy you." It's like he's taking his fucking weirdness and making it your problem. "Oh, you get so annoyed at me when I'M SO NICE." "Oh, I was just trying to BE NICE but you got mad at me again. Why you so crazy?" "She gets so angry at little things", "She's so easy to piss off..."

Kids in their early teens learn not to tell people they had dreams about them. It's weird, always. You are right, it is weird. To then make you seem like the bad guy by your annoyance is shitty.

I don't like the spa idea. That's something a bit personal, not to be shared with clingy menfolk. What's he going to do, tell you what to have? Also, the expense. Men who splash cash like that, especially on a first date, are the sort of tossers who expect recompense and will throw it in your face when you don't sleep with them.

Goodnight kiss! Ugh, what a dick XD He's got no idea how to date. He wants to own a woman and shower her in 'passion' and money. You sound too strong, independent and very much NOT needy. He will try and change you. Don't change.

I don't think your radar's off. I like men who can be a bit emotional and not closed off frosty ones, but this guy's way too full on. And a bit creepy (I want goodnight kisses, and look at the size of my wallet.)

Original poster

lottieandmia · 15/02/2017 14:18

I thought going to a spa is possibly to force intimacy earlier than I'm comfortable with. I said to him why don't we get a drink and he's now texted saying he's 'booked a table'. Ugh. It looks like I'll have to cancel then. I hate having to do this.

OP posts:

ijustwannadance · 15/02/2017 14:25

He'll get over it.

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