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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding Husbands hobby??

87 replies

Princessmor · 13/02/2017 19:58

My husband is an adult instructor with the Army Cadets. He joined when i was expecting our daughter and told me it will take up a couple of hours a week of his time which i didnt mind at all - sadly that wasn't/ isn't the case. He goes two evenings a week, from 6-10 pm as well as a weekend away every 13 weeks -Fri/Sun. He also goes away to Summer camp for 2 weeks every Summer, not to mention the courses he goes on. He's away up to 6 weeks of the year. I feel like a single parent in the summer holidays as i take the children away on my own so they don't miss out. Had i realised just how much of a commitment it would be i would never have agreed to it. AIBU to be annoyed with how much time he spends with the ACF?? I know its a very noble thing to be part of but if its at the expense of your own family.......

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 13/02/2017 20:03

My grandfather was a vicar. A very good one apparently.

At his funeral there were loads and loads of his old parishioners crying away about his death. And in the front two rows were his immediate family (wife, kids, grandkids) looking bored and exchanging holiday photos. (He died just after the summer hols.)

That was a long way of saying YANBU.

expatinscotland · 13/02/2017 20:06

'My grandfather was a vicar. A very good one apparently.

At his funeral there were loads and loads of his old parishioners crying away about his death. And in the front two rows were his immediate family (wife, kids, grandkids) looking bored and exchanging holiday photos. (He died just after the summer hols.)'

But that was his profession. Surely his wife knew it wasn't a 9-5 job when she married him?

redexpat · 13/02/2017 20:07

Im married to a scout leader. I hear you.

Having said that he was and is always honest about how much time it takes up and its nowhere near what your dh does. He is out one night a week, doesnt disappear for 2 weeks in the summer holidays. 1 week max.

LindyHemming · 13/02/2017 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rainbowqueeen · 13/02/2017 20:08

YANBU
Time for him to find a new family friendly hobby. There may be a way for him to cut his hours down?

Can you work out what would be Ok with you and present that to him? Also point out how patient you have been given how it was misrepresented to you at the start but enough is enough

The comments about Twoyoungkids grandfather are very relevant here too. Does he want his kids feeling that way about him??

Good luck

Allthewaves · 13/02/2017 20:11

Cadets is a very time consuming, most instructors have kids in or grown up kids. I was atc - wks away were a piss up every night tbh.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 13/02/2017 20:16

But that was his profession. Surely his wife knew it wasn't a 9-5 job when she married him?

Well - I wasn't there at the time but I believe he didn't become a vicar until several years into the marriage. Plus I believe that you can be a good vicar and a good father. The problem was - when given a choice of spending time with the very greatfully and fawning widows of the parish or his not at all greatful and not even slightly fawning stroppy teenage daughter (my mum!) - he chose the widows every single time.

Graphista · 13/02/2017 20:18

What background did he come to it from? Because if as is likely it's from an army/cadets background he knew this was a possibility.

I've been a youth group leader. Officially you can put as much or as little time in as you want. Unofficially especially as there's s shortage of volunteers, there's pressure to do more and more so as 'not to let the kids down'

He could cut his hours, not do the camps but he'd need to be v assertive. Or else he needs to decide which is his priority - hobby or family?

Trifleorbust · 13/02/2017 20:19

YANBU. It isn't cool to offload this amount of your half of the parenting to your partner when you have small children. I don't expect he would be okay with you taking up a hobby that removed you from home for an equivalent time each week/year? Would he say that was too much time out of the house between you and not fair on your DCs? If so, he is taking more than his fair share of the total free time available.

Olympiathequeen · 13/02/2017 20:20

Yanbu. He should cut this down significantly and if he can't should stop.

When you have a family it's time to devote your time to them and save the hobbies until they prefer to do their own thing.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 13/02/2017 20:20

Mumoftwo is right. This isn't just your DH's hobby, is it? It might as well be yours. It's taking up all your spare time too, and depriving the DC of their dad's company on holiday.

Think it's time for a serious talk.

lalalalyra · 13/02/2017 20:22

I've been a youth group leader. Officially you can put as much or as little time in as you want. Unofficially especially as there's s shortage of volunteers, there's pressure to do more and more so as 'not to let the kids down'

This is very true. It is very easy in a voluntary role to let it become all consuming.

At the same time though it's down to people to say "No, sorry, I'm not going to let my children miss out so that someone else's children have a trip/extra session/activity." To do that though he'd need to want to spend more time with his family - does he?

Sparkletastic · 13/02/2017 20:36

He's being selfish and sacrificing his family - and I don't see it as particularly worthy either. Will he significantly cut back or stop doing it until children are much older if you ask him to?

sunflower2008 · 13/02/2017 20:37

Hes sees no wrong in what hes doing because its for such a good cause. He says its not like hes in the pub, hes away doing something worthwhile . He won a award recently for his commitment to the acf. A big speech was given about all the good work he does in his 'spare time' for the acf and i just wanted to scream out that its not his spare time its all his time! Last year he was away for Fathers day and Halloween (I took the kids trick or treating on my own), previous years hes missed the whole of Easter, Mothers day, birthdays all because hes away with the bloody acf! Although i do try and argue the point that its hardly a selfless volunteer position he doesn't see it.....

Trifleorbust · 13/02/2017 20:40

sunflower2008: name change, OP?

Leggit · 13/02/2017 20:43

I'm a volunteer myself, it takes up a lot of time. YANBU if it is causing problems.

sunflower2008 · 13/02/2017 20:45

sorry dont know what you mean??

Sparkletastic · 13/02/2017 20:46

You were Princessmor at start of thread.

sunflower2008 · 13/02/2017 20:47

Oh yes sorry name change....

sunflower2008 · 13/02/2017 20:48

This is my first posting, i thought i changed my username before starting the thread. Im still learning, thank you for pointing it out.

ReggaeShark · 13/02/2017 20:49

Have you posted about this before? And YANBU. He is.

sunflower2008 · 13/02/2017 20:54

no i havent posted about it before. In fact i went through any threads i could find about the acf on here in case i was the one being unreasonable.... It would be nice if he would even acknowledge he spends a lot of time with the army cadets.

Openmindedmonkey · 13/02/2017 20:59

From another angle, my teenage son is an Air Cadet. He absolutely loves it all, especially the wide range of exciting & educational experiences that are made available to him, things that he could never normally access through any other route. The volunteers who provide the service are outstanding men & women in so many ways, we are honoured to meet & work with them.
It's sad that the flip-side of this is that the officers' families can be / feel neglected, that family activities suffer & work is unfairly pushed onto spouses.
For what it's worth, the volunteer officers are very much appreciated by the Cadets & their families; they are hugely positive role models & really do make a difference to our kids' lives.
OP, I truly hope that you can achieve a better family balance with your OH, it's plainly not fair on you that these absences are having such a detrimental effect on your relationship.

ScottishBadger · 13/02/2017 21:06

It's all relative to your family and what is reasonable for the time spemt with you. 13 weeks is once every 3 months. 6 weeks away still leaves 46 to be spent with you and your children. Plenty of forces/offshore wives and familoes have the man in their lives away for the majority of events and great long periods of time and cope just fine

sunflower2008 · 13/02/2017 21:07

Openmindedmonkey - Thats the exact reason i feel bad complaining - What he does makes a big difference to so many children's lives. I just don't think its worth it though when its at the expense of his own children?? I can honestly say i never would of dated him, let alone married or started a family with him had i of known just how much he 'loved' the acf. I have asked him to quit and rejoin once the children are older and he has refused. The acf causes so many arguments between us.