AIBU regarding Husbands hobby??

[Princessmor]

My husband is an adult instructor with the Army Cadets. He joined when i was expecting our daughter and told me it will take up a couple of hours a week of his time which i didnt mind at all - sadly that wasn't/ isn't the case. He goes two evenings a week, from 6-10 pm as well as a weekend away every 13 weeks -Fri/Sun. He also goes away to Summer camp for 2 weeks every Summer, not to mention the courses he goes on. He's away up to 6 weeks of the year. I feel like a single parent in the summer holidays as i take the children away on my own so they don't miss out. Had i realised just how much of a commitment it would be i would never have agreed to it. AIBU to be annoyed with how much time he spends with the ACF?? I know its a very noble thing to be part of but if its at the expense of your own family.......

You will be ending your marriage because your husband is a selfish twat who has left you to do all the parenting, and this isn't the marriage you signed up for. You need to tell yourself this over and over and stop feeling like you could be in the wrong here! And to stop smiling when people compliment you and say 'frankly I'm sick of it, he is choosing this over being a dad and I don't think it's fair on the children or me'. I don't see any benefit in hiding what you think here. And then you should accept his ultimatum, it seems clear he won't change.

From your most recent posts it appears the issue is not his hobby. Its him.

He doesn't seem to value you or care much for you. He's adjusted his settings on fb so he can no longer be tagged an doesn't want to you contact him while he's away ?!

Are any if the instructors female by any chance ?

Regardless he doesn't seem to care that his behaviour upsets and is detrimental to you and your daughter. I would very seriously be looking at divorce or a trial separation.

Sounds like your dick of a husband is married to the ACF not you. If you divorced him how much would actually change? You are already a single parent in the summer holidays.

Sunflower To be fair it's pretty difficult to get to Belgium without going through France from the UK unless you fly. Both the main ports used for the ferry, and the Eurotunnel, are in France. I do the journey regularly back to UK from Brussels where we are based, and I have not yet been able to avoid France or the speed camera just before the Dunkirk ferry exit.

I think you are caught between a rock and a hard place here. I am married to a (now retired) RN Officer who spent lots of time away with his job, plus had hobbies and commitments that were/are not family friendly. I dealt with it before children by doing stacks of over time, and not being about when he expected me to be. Once we had a child, he started a new hobby, that initially didn't impinge as he did one afternoon a week, when the job allowed, but it gradually morphed into weekends, and now weeks away, plus weekends all year round. I decided I could either fight this, or not bother and do stuff with ds. I chose the latter. I have been known to close down anecdotes about his hobby by completely changing the subject or ignoring what he was saying, or sitting there looking bored, or letting them go over my head, and making no comment. He would ask if I was interested, and I'd point out that I wasn't.

I do get pissed off sometimes (but ds went to board in UK at 16 and is now in his third year at uni) when my social calendar and chance of a holiday are arranged round the demands of his current high pressure job and then his hobby, but I use the time to do things I want to do, and a price is exacted from him one way or another, normally in books, sewing stash or shoes.

The thing is that as the kids get older they may be interested in ACF, or you may enjoy the time he is away. The kids may have hobbies/activities that are on the same night as his, so you wouldn't see him anyway. He should be training up his deputy to be able to run at least one evening a month without him, and then up that to once a week. I also agree that the summer camp should be perhaps 9 days (two weekends and the 5 days in between), although I can see why he feels he wants to do both weeks.

You have to ask is it worth breaking up over this, and how much your own children suffer because of this. Yes, they are missing out on time with their Dad, but is that 'suffering'? You could point out to him that they notice he doesn't always spend much time with them, and that this may come back to bite him when they are older.

My perspective is probably different to yours as I knew when we married that the RN would always be first, second and third, so I am used to doing things solo anyway.

I think we do have very different perspective's as unlike you i married someone who had a 9/5 office job. Solo parenting isnt for me.

It may seem a little over the top to say they are suffering but i think thats a fair word to use. We have never had a summer holiday. We go away for 3/4 night break in March/April as the summer holidays are reserved for annual camp. He has missed their birthdays, important family celebrations (the last one being my parents 40th wedding anniversary party) our middle childs first holy communion, easter, fathers day, mothers day you name it - all in the name of his hobby!

The point i was trying to make about France and Belgium is that he doesnt discuss his trips with me. I actually follow the cadet facebook page so i know when and where hes going away. If we try and talk about the ACF we end up arguing.

This isnt a job this is a hobby, something to do in his 'spare' time except hes spending more of his spare time with other peoples children and fellow adult instructors. Its not just our children i feel bad for if im totally honestly its me too. There are plenty of female adult instructors as well as males and it makes me feel bitter knowing that hes on a two week piss up every evening during the summer with them while im holidaying alone with our children.

Thank you scaryteacher for commenting as its given me a lot to think about x

As others have said - his behaviour is monumentally selfish and utterly unreasonable.
I'm wondering if there might be one female instructor in particular that he is particularly keen on seeing....?
You threatened divorce 3 years ago and nothing has changed. Will he go with you to Relate? If not I think you should tell him again how you feel and make an appointment with a good divorce solicitor. You don't have to start proceedings just establish exactly where you stand.

He missed the holy communion Sorry but your husband is a tool. Other people might look up to him but his own children won't bother with him once they are old enough to realise where they are in his list of priorities.

Sunflower Dh missed ds's birth, but there was not a lot to be done about that. Ds was determined to arrive early!

Dh has missed anniversaries, milestone birthdays for relatives, both our birthdays, Christmas on three occasions, but that was for the job. I appreciate this is a hobby for your dh, but there must be something driving why he is so passionate about it. Have you tried to establish what need it fills for him? Is it that he makes a difference, or that like my dh, he goes overboard for his hobby, and forgets/ minimises/ignores the impact it has on everyone else? Mine eventually clicks that it is annoying me, and reins it back, however he is very single minded about getting time for it, and we haven't really been on a family holiday for some time. I do at times, threaten to move back to the UK, as I might as well be watching TV in my own four walls when he is off pursuing his hobby, which normally pulls him up, or I put something outrageously expensive on the credit card and he gets the message.

...also, do you have an interest that you can pursue in the evenings? Make him do the childcare for two evening s a week, or get a sitter/make him come home and child sit, and then swan off for the evening for six weeks, or until he cracks, and he will.

Dh will be retired in 2019 when we move back to the UK. He will not be getting under my feet as he will be pursuing his hobby, so there is an advantage to it after all!

How will you feel if your your child(ren) want to joint the army?

He joined when i was expecting our daughter and told me it will take up a couple of hours a week

If I was pregnant, my husband wouldn't have just told me he was joining some group and just taking the hours he needed every week for it. You are having a baby together, you discuss before anything gets done that will effect your free time like this.

Your husband is a twat for just informing you he's fucking off for so many hours a week.

Your husband is a twat for so so many reasons. He isn't checked into family life at all.

How will you feel if your your child(ren) want to joint the army?

Not sure how this is relevant at all .

OP, I really couldn't tolerate this. It's not even just the time he spends away from you, it's the complete lack of respect he had for you and your needs. I he said 'I know what an impact this has on you, I'm really sorry but it's just something I feel I have to do, how can we make the family time we do spend together better?' you may be able to put up with it. (I couldn't, but you sound more tolerant than me!)

He's the one who gave you the ultimatum three years ago. I'd take him up on it, I really would. Could you manage financially by yourself?

Scaryteacher your situation sounds absolutely horrible.

OP your husband is a twat. Take him up on his divorce offer

Why are you going on holiday by yourself? If he is away 2 weeks of the summer holiday you still have 4 weeks to go away together. 2 evenings a,week and a trip every few months isn't that much really.

However he generally sounds like an idiot who has no respect for you or your wishes. That's the real issue

2014newme I don't know about your employers, but mine would not have allowed me to have three or four weeks off in the school summer holidays - it could be difficult to even get two.

Therefore, if the OP wants to go on a family holiday in the summer holidays (hardly an unreasonable request), she has to take the DC away herself.

However, your second post is spot on!!

How would i feel if any of my children wanted to join the Army? - Not relevant at all but actually i would feel very proud that they wanted to fight for their country! The ACF is not the Army though. Its not like the TA where if need be they would be expected to fight. Yes he wears the uniform and 'plays' at being a soldier but my husband has no military background. This is not a job, this is a hobby. He gets to go on adventure training weekends - rock climbing, camping, shooting, archery, orienteering, kayaking ect...... Like i said not the most selfless volunteer position, and in the evening he gets to get drunk in the Naffi with all his mates!

I have hobbies but i do them when the children are at pre school and school so it doesn't impact on them.

I go on holiday by myself as he company only allows 2 weeks at a time off. Hes away on average up to 6 weeks as there are always various courses/marches/events ect that he goes on. So all his holiday entitlement is saved for them. He allows me to book a 3/4 day in March/april time to go away.

I know i could manage financially if we divorced.

OP I had a thread on here a couple of years ago about DH who is also an ACF instructor. At the time he'd chosen to go away on a cadet weekend even though it was our son's birthday on the Saturday. I was absolutely fuming and couldn't believe he'd actually gone knowing how I felt about it.

I ended up texting him telling him I'd had enough of us coming Second to the cadets and he'd made his position very clear. He came home the next morning and then took 6 months 'out'.

Things have improved a lot but I despair of the time the ACF asked for. Weekly detachment meetings are fine but there's company weekends, sports team weekends, 2 WEEKS annual camp plus if DH wishes to progress another WEEK on training camp. Then the officers get annoyed when no one can cover these events .

My son is in ACF and intends to become an adult instructor when he's left school. There is a shortage of decent, kind, committed people who are willing to take this role on and my son's company have struggled to attend some of the camps as their cadet leader is a teacher at the school who has to prioritise her day job on occasion (and rightly so, she is an amazing teacher) and their other adult instructor has just become a dad so has taken paternity leave. I don't have any advice to offer but just wanted to say from a parent and cadet perspective, your husband is making a difference to young people's lives.

Shakeoffara - So you know what i mean then! My husband is always wanting to progress further up the ranks, there seems to be a never ending list of training courses he can go on. Your lucky your husband agreed to take some time out for you. I have asked the same of my husband but he has refused! Thank you for commenting, its so nice to hear someone say, - i know how you feel x

I don't have any advice to offer but just wanted to say from a parent and cadet perspective, your husband is making a difference to young people's lives.........

I know you mean well but from a wife of a ACF instructors perspective i'm sick of hearing of 'what a big difference he's making to young peoples lives' when he's not giving the same to his own children. Their are children in our county that spend more time away with my husband (annual camp) than his own kids!

Your son joining at 18 is not the same as my husband doing it, he wont be sacrificing time with his wife or children to volunteer...... Volunteer work is a very noble thing to do but if it has a big impact on family life....... I dont know i feel like im beginning to sound like a broken record! lol.

Good luck to your son, he will get to do so many things, he will love it x

He sounds incredibly selfish. Was he like this before you had children? I know not in the ACF but did he spend a lot of time with his mates or going on lads only holidays?

How much time does he spend with the children at the weekends?

We do our main holiday at May half term, could that be an option so you at least get a week away then?

You sound pissed off and I don't blame you. Would your H consider counselling? I wonder if someone else helping you to reach compromises might help. And if it doesn't you know to put up with it or get rid because he'll never change.

Sunflower DH is hoping to get into the Officers Mess this year and so will be away for a week for that course. He's doing one week of annual camp and the ACF expect him to give more.

I think it's ridiculous that they have an expectation of adults to give up so much of their annual leave time for the organisation. If DH were to do everything they ask he would rarely be home and would have no family holiday time left .

DS1 is also an adult instructor (was a Cadet) but is becoming more and more disenchanted with it and is considering taking time away.

My husband is an officer. Not sure what rank as we rarely discuss anything to do with he ACF because of the arguments it causes - i know hes saluted and addressed as sir (which he gets a huge rise out of)..... He won't stop until hes at the very top!

I asked him once why don't they take into consideration things like Mothers/fathers day, Easter, Halloween ect before planning the ACF trips away...... He very bluntly and honestly said that families of instructors aren't given any consideration when organising these trips, its not even a factor when planning anything. The focus is on the ACF and cadets, which is fair enough.

I didnt notice his selfishness before we had kids. He played football, squash, went shooting, weekends away visiting old uni friends...... He still does all of those things by the way..... No sacrifices on his part have been made since the children have come along although if you asked him he would disagree. He tells me he does turn down courses with the ACF and i should be grateful for that!

I think what kills me is the bottom line is he isnt forced into anything, he chooses to do so much. .... He's on the Armed forces day committee so soon will be attending weekly meetings for that until June (Yet another week night he wont be around)

Since posting this thread ive been asked lots of different questions that i hadnt really thought of before and where as i felt incredibly selfish for possibly ending the relationship i now feel justified!