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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU regarding Husbands hobby??

87 replies

Princessmor · 13/02/2017 19:58

My husband is an adult instructor with the Army Cadets. He joined when i was expecting our daughter and told me it will take up a couple of hours a week of his time which i didnt mind at all - sadly that wasn't/ isn't the case. He goes two evenings a week, from 6-10 pm as well as a weekend away every 13 weeks -Fri/Sun. He also goes away to Summer camp for 2 weeks every Summer, not to mention the courses he goes on. He's away up to 6 weeks of the year. I feel like a single parent in the summer holidays as i take the children away on my own so they don't miss out. Had i realised just how much of a commitment it would be i would never have agreed to it. AIBU to be annoyed with how much time he spends with the ACF?? I know its a very noble thing to be part of but if its at the expense of your own family.......

OP posts:

RamsayBoltonsConscience · 13/02/2017 21:20

Do you live with my exdp? I can completely relate to everything you have said. In fact with my ex, it got so bad that, when I asked him to leave (for reasons completely unrelated to his hobby), my ds (6 at the time) didn't miss him as he had been so rarely at home. I felt like a single parent most of the time. Out twice a week 6- 10 and later, lots of Saturdays and many, many holidays. When my mum had an accident and I needed to drive to Wales, he showed off because he would have to stay at home and look after our ds instead of going to cadets. It made me understand where his priorities were and it certainly wasn't us. I feel your frustration xx

sunflower2008 · 13/02/2017 21:40

Thank you! Its so nice to know im not the only one to feel like this. The reason ive dared to post this thread in the first place is because dates for this years annual camp have just come through .... its 13 days long and hes put his name down to go 4 days early to prep the camp before the cadets arrive meaning hes away for 17 days! He mentions it to me in passing as though its nothing. Everyone is always telling me how lucky i am to have such a wonderful husband...... In reality im facing another summer holiday on my own at either a haven or butlins site with our 3 kids while hes on a 'jolly' playing army with his mates!

MaybeDoctor · 13/02/2017 21:42

YANBU.

There was another similar thread from a MNer who was virtually solo-parenting due to sea-cadets. I suspect that when these organisations were set up, social structures were quite different and the role of the spouse was to be happily in the background. Times have moved on but the role hasn't changed.

There is another phenomenon of the father who loves to be the life and soul for anyone apart from his own wife and children. These days I am often a little sceptical of family men who like to be out 'doing anything for anyone', as often there is a family in the background who would like a little bit of his time.

confuugled1 · 13/02/2017 21:43

Op what would your dh say if you went to have a talk with his commanding officer to say that you were told the acf was going to take up a couple of hours a week, that it patently doesn't and the ridiculous amounts of time it is taking dh away from his own family is causing serious problems in your marriage. And that you hold him partly responsible for this because of his requests and expectations and that it is his turn to step up and enable dh to act first and foremost as a proper father and husband...

confuugled1 · 13/02/2017 22:07

Oh and make sure that next time anyone mentions how wonderful he is for doing all this don't stay quiet - make sure you say something so they know and understand how miserable it is for you.

So at the award ceremony where he got commended for spending so much time doing stuff say that you prefer to think of them as his awards for extreme selfishness and abandoning his family and ignoring his own kids at every opportunity.

And that these awards act as a double kick in the teeth to you and his family as they're announcing to everyone that he doesn't care about his own family as well as making him want to spend even more time away to get more awards and that they feel like it's a personal attack each time everybody mentions it and rubs it in, not realising that their congratulations sound like gloating over having won his time at the expense of his family time- while simultaneously making you feel bad for thinking that because you know some kids get a lot from him being there.

I would also consider writing an anonymous confessions of an acf wife type column for their newsletter or a letter to him via the letters page in the hope that he would read it there when he doesn't listen to you at home.

I would also ask him to un-sign up from the camp and give his DC a proper family holiday with all of you together for a change, reminding him that he said this only required a couple of hours commitment from him and for him to decide by himself that he is going to spend so much time on it when he has other commitments and responsibilities just isn't on.

IloveJudgeJudy · 13/02/2017 23:00

Scottishbadger, but the 46 weeks he does get to spend with his family doesn't include the summer holidays, when most people would like to spend time together. It also means that he has used up all his annual leave on his hobby, leaving nothing for time with his family (if he even has 6 weeks to use, not everyone does have 30 days per year).

sunflower2008 · 14/02/2017 07:51

Exactly Scottishbadger, he only has so much holiday leave. As for the other 46 weeks of the year, the detachment is open for 44 weeks of those - they only close for 2 weeks at Christmas. During those 44 weeks hes still parading 2 nights a week every week! ......... As for complaining to his commanding officer , well hes actually quite high up in the cadet ranks and everything he does is voluntary. How much time he gives is up to him. He is asked to do a lot of stuff because people know he will make it a priority over everything else. There are other adult instructors for example that choose not to go on summer camp or only do 1 week because they have young families at home, my husband chooses to do all of it........ Ive never spoke to anyone about t before as ive felt like the selfish one for minding but actually i dont want me or the kids to come second best to a hobby! Thank you for all your replies x

sunflower2008 · 14/02/2017 07:53

Love the idea of a confessions column Confuugled! Sometimes i think i deserve a medal for putting up with it all! x

Naicehamshop · 14/02/2017 08:11

Time to get serious with him about this.

Would it help at all if you wrote it all down and emailed it to him, with a full list of exactly how much time he has been away for in the last year or so? Maybe seeing it all written down would make it clearer to him how much time he is missing with his own children.

ChuckSnowballs · 14/02/2017 08:17

but actually i dont want me or the kids to come second best to a hobby! Thank you for all your replies x

But currently you are. So what are you going to do about it?

Thingywhatsit · 14/02/2017 08:31

I think you have a dh problem rather than an ACF problem tbh.

Is he an instructor or an officer just out of interest and does he have an army background?

Annual camps etc I think sometimes you can just accept, but volumteering for an extra 4 days isn't fair at all.

What his normal job? Is he feeling fulfilled and important in it? Or is ACF doing that? What kind of father is he like when he is at home?

I think you need to sit him down and basically put him straight on the effect it has on you and the kids. Also tell him you are planning on having a new hobby that takes you out of the house for a significant time (as its only fair) so he will need to adjust his schedule somewhat to accommodate this! Shoe on the other foot may make him realise.........

Jeeves93 · 14/02/2017 15:36

I am a cadet instructor. It does take up a lot of time, but I am single at the moment so have it to spare. There are many options available with cadets. I would sit down and talk with him about how you feel, and see if he can't cut it down a bit.

Example:
Cut it down from two nights a week to one. How easy this is to achieve depends on the staffing situation at the unit, but I know many instructors who generally only do one night a week as that is all their jobs/lives allow. My unit is once a week so it isn't such an issue.

Annual camp - perhaps only go for one week. Many instructors do this as it is not always possible to get the time off work. Of course this can be awkward if the camp is on the other side of the country as it means he has to drive there and back himself.

Personally, I don't find the odd weekend every 3 months that unreasonable. Remember that when he is there, he is doing a good thing for a lot of people. He just needs to adjust the balance at bit!

sunflower2008 · 15/02/2017 11:55

My husband is an officer within the ACF, he has no army background. He has no option of cutting down from 2 to 1 nights as he is the detachment commander. He also refuses to only do part of the annual camp, its or all nothing. Im sure wearing the uniform and having people salute him and address him as sir is also something he gets a big kick out of.Hes the manager of around 30 staff in work so he certainly likes telling people what to do. Ive already pointed out that if he continues to go away for an average of 6 weeks a year by the time our daughter is 10 he would of missed an entire year of her life playing army! So i am faced with the dilemma of put up with it or divorce him! If he would just acknowledge that the amount of time he spends doing ACF things is a lot but he wont. He says that im the one for being selfish for complaining. I guess i wanted to sound other people out and find out what they thought before making any big decisions in case i am being unfair.

Naicehamshop · 15/02/2017 13:33

You are not being unfair. He (presumably) chose to be a parent, and now he has to do some parenting.

unicornsIlovethem · 15/02/2017 13:43

I hear you op. My DH was an instructor in the sea cadets and I found that hard enough before we had children. Luckily I developed crushing PND after DD was born and it was absolutely obvious that I couldn't cope with DD on my own enough to allow him to carry on so he gave it up.

I think I'd be looking at divorce in your situation tbh.

Julju · 15/02/2017 13:43

YANBU. OH was an adult cadet instructor before I was pregnant with DS. He kept it up through pregnancy and fully intended to keep going after DS was born but he gave it up off his own back as soon as DS was here as he would just rather be with us at weekend and when he's off work. I realise I'm lucky not to have had to broach the subject but if he hadn't taken the initiative I would have spoken to him because it would have driven me mad. Especially when lots of the weekends away are huge piss ups with the other adult instructors

Chocolatecake12 · 15/02/2017 13:54

You do need to have a work life balance and he needs to have a work/family/air cadets balance.
He should split the 2 weeks holiday away with other volunteers. I feel this is your main gripe.
Sit down with him and tell him straight. Do you honestly think you would divorce him if things don't change?
Or are you saying that in anger?
There must be a part of you that's very proud of him volunteering his time. Make sure you tell him thing while trying to negotiate a better balance.
Good luck!

sunflower2008 · 15/02/2017 14:19

No im not mentioning divorce out of anger. A few of years ago he went on a cadet trip to Belgium for some anniversary march, it was Easter time so the kids were off . He doesnt like me contacting him when hes away as he says its 'his' time. Anyway i log on to FB and hes tagged in a picture drinking a pint with other instructors in France! When he came back i was furious that he wasn't even in the country he said he was going to. He said the trip was for both places and he must of forgot to mention it - no big deal?!..... He also changed his settings on his FB so that he cannot be tagged in pictures. I asked him then and there to leave the ACF and he refused. He told me to divorce him if i didnt like it. That was 3 years ago, nothings changed. Its made me quite bitter towards the ACF when i know everything he does, he does voluntarily. Im not proud of him if you want me to be honest.

Naicehamshop · 15/02/2017 14:55

I don't blame you for not being proud of this selfish, arrogant and dishonest man. I am fuming on your behalf.

penguincrumble · 15/02/2017 16:06

He sounds awful. If I was you I'd take him at his word and divorce him.

KnittedBlanketHoles · 15/02/2017 17:47

He's selfish

Megatherium · 15/02/2017 17:59

He really cannot accuse you of being selfish. He is so obviously having a lovely time bossing people around whilst presenting himself to his mates as this wonderfully benevolent man. I wonder if they would really think the same if they knew the reality of how little he does for his family? There comes a time in anyone's life when they have to grow up and realise that their family comes before playing soldiers.

Openmindedmonkey · 15/02/2017 19:28

Hi Princessmor,
I'm sorry to say this but to be honest, I think it's time to give him an ultimatum, it's either his family or vastly reducing his hobby. Irrespective of his contribution to the likes of my DS; I would hate my DS's involvement to be at the expense of your marriage.
Good luck

sunflower2008 · 16/02/2017 13:50

He gave me the ultimatum 3 years ago, its not mine to give. I feel like the last 3 years have been a waiting game as to how far he can push me and how much i will put up with! He has made it very clear that the ACF comes first. I worry too much about what other people think and the bottom line is i would be ending my marriage because of the amount of volunteer work he does , which without looking at the bigger picture makes me look/sound selfish. I don't think i can attend any more ACF events where im repeatedly told how wonderful my husband is when i know his own children suffer....... Annual camp is definitely the sore point of the year, its puts a downer on the whole of the summer for me. He always comes back very upbeat having spent 2 weeks playing army,.... then come all the friend requests on FB from all his new buddies (male & females, which upset me) Thank you all for your comments and support it is much appreciated x

Rainuntilseptember15 · 16/02/2017 14:00

Well you still have the ultimatum at your disposal - ask him to stop (reduce? What would be satisfactory?) the hobby or to move out. What happened three years ago is irrelevant to what you do next. Do whatever will be best for the children - doesn't sound like they'll see him any less if you move on.

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