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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU regarding Husbands hobby??

87 replies

Princessmor · 13/02/2017 19:58

My husband is an adult instructor with the Army Cadets. He joined when i was expecting our daughter and told me it will take up a couple of hours a week of his time which i didnt mind at all - sadly that wasn't/ isn't the case. He goes two evenings a week, from 6-10 pm as well as a weekend away every 13 weeks -Fri/Sun. He also goes away to Summer camp for 2 weeks every Summer, not to mention the courses he goes on. He's away up to 6 weeks of the year. I feel like a single parent in the summer holidays as i take the children away on my own so they don't miss out. Had i realised just how much of a commitment it would be i would never have agreed to it. AIBU to be annoyed with how much time he spends with the ACF?? I know its a very noble thing to be part of but if its at the expense of your own family.......

OP posts:

sunflower2008 · 18/02/2017 10:53

Dropzoneone - My husband would never consider counselling.... In fact not sure he would consider comprise. Thinking about it im not sure i can even remember the last time he said sorry for anything.

Your talking about a man that from work to hobby is in charge of people, giving out orders. He doesn't answer to no one, certainly not me.

I know deep down he will never change. Annual camp is my main bug bear and is what prompted me to start this thread as the date has just come through for it. Its just a case of how much longer i put up with it!

ShakeofFara · 18/02/2017 14:59

Sunflower you sound so like me!

It has got better for us after the big birthday hooha and I was prepared to end things over that. DS was so hurt and the smile when DH came home said it all. DS got me on my own and said 'Dad came home!' He was as amazed as I was.

Now and again I can feel things ratchet up again but it only takes a comment from me and DH reins it in again.

Annual camp is a massive expectation. DH's company commander is going spare cause no one is willing to take cadets to a specialist event (only a few qualify to go). This event is a 12 hour round trip away . Why she's surprised no one is willing is beyond me!

scaryteacher · 18/02/2017 17:09

Sparrowhawk Scaryteacher your situation sounds absolutely horrible. Why? He was away a lot because he was a serving member of HM Forces, a Naval Officer, and that goes with the job.

I might moan about his hobby, but here I am, married to him for 31 years this year; he wouldn't be the man I married without his sense of drive. I have learned over the years why he is as he is, and that his singlemindedness is a trait inherited from his so (not) dear mother.

I could make both our lives miserable by moaning about it, or I can use the time to loaf in the bath with a glass of wine and a book at the weekend if I want, with a box of cheese straws for sustenance. I have control of the remote! It's different for us, as ds went to board at 16, and is now in his third year at uni, and I quite like time on my tod. I look at the ironing and watch NCIS instead!

Dh retires form his post RN job in 2019, and we will be returning to the UK. I will be glad of his hobby then, as we will be doing our own things for a bit and that is healthy.

littlefrog3 · 18/02/2017 19:20

I think most hobbies men have seen to be time consuming; I can't help but wonder if they do it on purpose. I can't see any man standing for his woman/partner/wife bogging off for weeks and weeks on end leaving him to fend for himself and look after the kids! No you are NOT being unreasonable!

Regarding this - post 2 on page 1; (from mumof2youngkids)

My grandfather was a vicar. A very good one apparently. At his funeral there were loads and loads of his old parishioners crying away about his death. And in the front two rows were his immediate family (wife, kids, grandkids) looking bored and exchanging holiday photos. (He died just after the summer hols.)

Words fail me. So because the chap who was a Vicar spent a lot of time with his job and the parishioners, his wife and children didn't care when he died? Good grief!

I know several Vicars, and their wife and children are fully involved with the life of the Vicar husband/father, and also the Church.

How bizarre that they were so detached from him.

Iggi999 · 18/02/2017 19:46

I don't see how the vicar story is any more "bizarre" than the upstanding-volunteer-who-neglects-own-children we are seeing here.
Plenty of upstanding chaps who would do anything anyone asked them to, but who in turn refuse to prioritise the needs of their immediate family.

littlefrog3 · 18/02/2017 22:41

If you would read my post properly, you would see that I am not saying the Vicar devoting himself to his job is bizarre. I am saying the family not giving a shit about him dying, and acting 'bored' at his funeral, and pissing around looking at holiday snaps as he is being laid to rest is bizarre!

Never heard anything like it actually!

Iggi999 · 18/02/2017 23:04

I assume it's because he meant nothing to them anymore.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 18/02/2017 23:18

littlefrog Old man died. I had seen him preach in church several times. He would bless me. After church sometimes me and my parents would go back to his house for lunch (Maybe 20 times or so altogether.) He had no desire to interact with me outside of the church and didn't. I have no positive memories at all of him as a grandfather - he seemed a perfectly pleasant vicar. I was nearly 15 when he died.

Why would I be sad that he died?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 18/02/2017 23:19

We did wait until the wake to share holiday snaps - would have been rude to do that in the church.

Tottyandmarchpane1 · 19/02/2017 08:05

It all sounds very selfish to me. He's having exactly the life he wants and you are left miserable whilst he gets on with it. Project yourself forward a few years when if you leave him you may have met someone else who wants to spend time with you. At the very least you won't have to be stressed and upset because someone COULD be doing something with you but isn't. Doesn't sound much of a relationship worth having to me at the moment. I'm afraid it would be a deal breaker for me if my DH was off for 2 weeks of annual leave with his hobby every summer. A week fine. I'd give him an ultimatum if you are 'happy' that the result would be that he leaves...

HanShootsFirst · 19/02/2017 08:36

Ironically if you do leave him your children may see more of him then, as presumably he would have them at some point? If not then it should reflect in your maintenance and you could have the best option possible, financial support and not having to care about his ACF time. It doesn't sound like you even like him and he clearly doesn't give a rat's ass about you.

Didiusfalco · 19/02/2017 08:55

He sounds incredibly selfish. As an aside it's absolutely no on else's business why you end your marriage - you don't need to explain that to anyone.

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