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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about husband's 'secret'? WWYD?

352 replies

Mum2Hallie · 12/02/2017 17:52

So my husband and I have gone through quite a few rocky patches over the years - nearly split up last year, but in the end decided to give it another go (around November time). Since then, things have been going pretty well. The 'being extra nice and helpful' bit wore off after a couple of weeks, but I can cope with that. However...

Half term is coming up (w/c 20th Feb where we live). We both work full time -me in an office, and DH from home with regular travel to clients. I can't take time off this half term, so asked DH if he could - said he was far too busy (which is fine) so i booked DD into a holiday club for the week - this discussion happened about three / four weeks ago.

Yesterday (by chance) I was using his iPad and went into the web browser - his work emails came up and the top message was from his boss about 'annual leave confirmed' - couldn't think why he'd be booking time off, so clicked on it out of curiosity. Saw a chain with the original email from him sent to his boss booking that week off as 'it's half term' then this recent email (Friday just gone) was amending it to four days off instead of five.

I'm flabbergasted. What is he DOING? Gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked for his schedule for that week (something we discuss a lot to organise who picks up / drops off DD). He talked through a really busy week with lots of visits to clients.

I then asked him how much holiday he had left (giving him another chance to own up) and he said 'oh a few days but I'm going to loose it all as I can't spare the time off at the
minute'

Given that a lot of our previous issues were based on his frequent dishonesty and my subsequent trust issues, I'm devastated.

I have no idea how to broach this with him, as I feel like it will be the end if I do.

Can anyone think of why this might be reasonable (from his side?) AIBU???? I can't tell anymore 😢

OP posts:
DereksGotATail · 12/02/2017 20:41

Why put yourself through such agony? Confront him now rather than be panicking for the next 7 days.

StealthPolarBear · 12/02/2017 20:42

I do find it ironic people are suggesting taking a sneaky day off so the op can catch her dh having a sneaky day off!
Tbh even if he has got a surprise planned, he forfeited the chance to withhold anything from you when he showed he couldn't be trusted before. I could withhold something (a surprise) from dh and just say "trust me"...because he can!

DereksGotATail · 12/02/2017 20:42

Sorry, x post. I'm pleased you're going to do it tomorrow.

Purplehonesty · 12/02/2017 20:43

Hope it's something innocent op like others have said about catching up with work

Wellitwouldbenice · 12/02/2017 20:43

Agree with Dereks. No need for drama. Just get on and confront him, stay calm and as far as possible avoid tears and emotions - just focus on the issue.

StealthPolarBear · 12/02/2017 20:43

Yep that's it op. Even assuming it's all innocent he lied again knowing he mustnt lie.
good luck for tomorrow x

hollyisalovelyname · 12/02/2017 20:46

Good luck OP.

QueenofPentacles · 12/02/2017 20:48

I have had it with liars... I don't even like small secrets. It's creepy.
I feel that he is making a small secret to see if he can get away with bigger ones. I would confront him. But carefully and with diplomacy.

WeatherwaxOrOgg · 12/02/2017 20:48

But OP ... like I suggested earlier, confronting him now allows him to tell you that he booked the time off as a surprise, regardless of how implausible it is.

I know, I really do know the stomach churning feeling that coping with a liar gives you and because it's such an awful feeling I've often blown my cover way too early and really regretted it :(

GlitteryFluff · 12/02/2017 20:52

Sorry op.
Hope the talk goes as well as it can do

AnyFucker · 12/02/2017 20:55

op wasn't "snooping" peggy, she has explained how she saw the emails

you do like to stick up for the menfolk though, don't you ? Even when they are as dodgy as fuck.

GatoradeMeBitch · 12/02/2017 20:58

But OP ... like I suggested earlier, confronting him now allows him to tell you that he booked the time off as a surprise, regardless of how implausible it is.

He can't say they were going away for the week though, as he will be working Tuesday. Saying "I thought I'd surprise you with a few day trips' sounds weak.

LeopardPrintSocks1 · 12/02/2017 21:00

Poor you, op. I hope it's nothing horrible like an affair. Even then it's horrible he's booked it off and not mentioned it.

You both do deserve better, and you don't deserve to feel like you're going mad either. I think once you find out what's going on really evaluate this relationship and if it's healthy for you and your dd. X

ellash · 12/02/2017 21:00

I think you're right to ask him outright.

He lied, which is a horrible thing to do. But we all do it unfortunately and it MIGHT have been for a good reason (surprise). This is not me justifying it, however I'm sure you'd be delighted if he'd been thoughtful & planned some things for you both to do as a couple. Maybe to try and rebuild the relationship you have (which with DD might not be as easy, hence why he is happy to keep her at her groups during half term week). This might sound selfish, but if you're going through a shitty time, it's something you might need to work on as a couple and not a family just to get that spark back.

I could be wrong. He might want to be lazy on his own for the week or he might be off with someone else. Although men can be very sly & I think had he been in the position where he would be THAT worried about you finding it, he'd probably have deleted it.

But I don't know :/
I'm hoping it's nothing too serious and just him being a bit of an idiot.

Good luck OP. Flowers

TaliDiNozzo · 12/02/2017 21:01

Honestly my first thought was he fancied some time off to himself and knew he wouldn't get it if he told the truth. Which is not to say that what's he's done, if it is that, is in any way acceptable (because clearly it isn't). I'm just not sure there's enough evidence to suggest he's having an affair or that there's something really sinister going on.

If there is reason to believe that it is an affair though, I would wait to confront and see if you can get some evidence together and take some time to prepare in the event you do decide to split because of this. If you think it's more likely as I've suggested above (or similar) then I would confront now and just say you've read the email.

Jaysis · 12/02/2017 21:01

When you do ask him, also ask him for his phone there and then and check messages. If he's got nothing to hide, he'll hand it over. If he's been messaging someone, don't give him time to engineer storming out in order to wipe his messages or delete any apps.

While surprises are nice, this does not sound like it is, and anyway, anyone planning a nice surprise for their partner would not give a shit at it getting out of the bag if the person they were surprising was in a heap about their relationship and fearing the worst - you would immediately reassure them and come clean.

All the best Flowers

AnnieNeedsAMacBook · 12/02/2017 21:04

I don't see what you hope to gain from talking to him tomorrow? He will just lie & tell you he was going to surprise you/tell you tomorrow/work/some other shite. You need to wait until DD has started her holiday club & he hasn't told you himself that he's on AL.

But actually, I'd just get those Little Ducks in a row, find a SHL (shit hot lawyer) and end it. Because whether he's fucking a teacher, spending the week wanking in peace or whatever is irrelevant really because what he's not doing is far more relevant - he's NOT telling the truth nor spending a week with his daughter.

AnnieNeedsAMacBook · 12/02/2017 21:08

The OP has a full work schedule that week.

Their daughter is booked into a holiday camp.

Stop trying to make excuses for the git - there's no 'nice surprise' happening here!

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 12/02/2017 21:12

If it's difficult to print the email, forward it to yourself. I wouldn't even bother deleting it.

theothercatpurred · 12/02/2017 21:14

The thing is though, if you confront him now you give him the chance to wriggle out if it.

I'd wait, personally, and spend this week getting my ducks in a row.

TheObserverOne · 12/02/2017 21:19

Personally I would wait at least until the 1st "day off" and ask him how work was. Then have it out. He can't lie to wriggle out of it then!
But I know it must be a hard thing to sit on for a week which may seem like a month especially when you've had issues with him lying in the past!
Good luck whatever you choose to do OP Wine

pregnantat50 · 12/02/2017 21:29

why not approach this differently.

say to your DH "wow, thanks, what a lovely surprise, just seen you have managed to get next week leave, I will cancel DDs holiday club, I'm so pleased you managed to get the time off"

Newbluetattoo · 12/02/2017 21:30

Good luck OP. The advice on this thread has been quite conflicting, it must be so confusing for you. Hope you can deal with this whatever ways best for you.

WanderLustingLane · 12/02/2017 21:34

I'm calling if that he wants a few days peace and quiet

NewPuppyMum · 12/02/2017 21:38

Don't be bullied into doing anything you don't want by posters.

It's your life. You do what is best for you.

I hope it is nothing but if it isn't, you'll be fine. You are stronger than you think.