Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about husband's 'secret'? WWYD?

352 replies

Mum2Hallie · 12/02/2017 17:52

So my husband and I have gone through quite a few rocky patches over the years - nearly split up last year, but in the end decided to give it another go (around November time). Since then, things have been going pretty well. The 'being extra nice and helpful' bit wore off after a couple of weeks, but I can cope with that. However...

Half term is coming up (w/c 20th Feb where we live). We both work full time -me in an office, and DH from home with regular travel to clients. I can't take time off this half term, so asked DH if he could - said he was far too busy (which is fine) so i booked DD into a holiday club for the week - this discussion happened about three / four weeks ago.

Yesterday (by chance) I was using his iPad and went into the web browser - his work emails came up and the top message was from his boss about 'annual leave confirmed' - couldn't think why he'd be booking time off, so clicked on it out of curiosity. Saw a chain with the original email from him sent to his boss booking that week off as 'it's half term' then this recent email (Friday just gone) was amending it to four days off instead of five.

I'm flabbergasted. What is he DOING? Gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked for his schedule for that week (something we discuss a lot to organise who picks up / drops off DD). He talked through a really busy week with lots of visits to clients.

I then asked him how much holiday he had left (giving him another chance to own up) and he said 'oh a few days but I'm going to loose it all as I can't spare the time off at the
minute'

Given that a lot of our previous issues were based on his frequent dishonesty and my subsequent trust issues, I'm devastated.

I have no idea how to broach this with him, as I feel like it will be the end if I do.

Can anyone think of why this might be reasonable (from his side?) AIBU???? I can't tell anymore 😢

OP posts:
Maxandrubyrubyandmax · 12/02/2017 20:06

Affair with a teacher? I've booked the odd day or afternoon off tbh and spent it in the gym for me time and not said a word but not 4days.

Original poster
Mum2Hallie · 12/02/2017 20:10

He knows a lot of teachers. He works in education 😔

OP posts:
RainbowJack · 12/02/2017 20:12

It's how he makes me feel.

I can see why you would want to save the marriage.

HandbagCrazy · 12/02/2017 20:14

Can you sit him down, remind him of the recent marital issues and how trust is very important, then ask again about why he can't have DD for half term? So you're basically saying that you know he's lying without giving away exactly what you know or how? The sit and wait for his answers.

I wouldn't be able to wait a week to get this out - and if he generally spins you around so you get confused in an argument, maybe email would be better?

BoobleMcB · 12/02/2017 20:14

Can you access his personal emails? @SpartacusWoman has a good idea too if you can't wait a week

peggyundercrackers · 12/02/2017 20:15

Stop listening to the mumsnet paranoia machine...

HarryPottersMagicWand · 12/02/2017 20:16

If he makes you feel like you are going mad, then confront him, be done with it and wave bye bye to him. You can't have a decent relationship without trust and he has proven again that he can't be trusted. Even if he did want some time off with no one else around, he didn't need to lie about it.

PastysPrincess · 12/02/2017 20:17

Ha ha definitely do what spartacuswoman said!

mysteriouscurle · 12/02/2017 20:17

There doesn't seem to be much point in asking an accomplished liar for the truth. You need to wait out the week which will be horribly stressful and ask him about hiw work has been etc. Then hand him the annual leave email confirmation. And say nothing. I get the impression from your op that this was last chance saloon. And hes blown it. Unless there is a wonderful surprise/time booked off your work. Doubtful Sad

ohgoshIdontknow · 12/02/2017 20:20

Just to say I'm so sorry for you having RTFT. I hope you sort it. I can't deal with secrets - mine or anyone else's - so wouldn't be able to keep quiet.

Good luck with everything and I hope you find a happy, trusting relationship one day, whether it's with this man or another.

x

OhfuckingShitBags · 12/02/2017 20:20

OP do you want to confront him and have the inevitable fall-out before or after he spends 4 days shagging his teacher girlfriend?

diddl · 12/02/2017 20:24

He might not be up to anything-but if he just fancied sometime off why wouldn't he say?

Because Op might suggest he takes half term??

Well, the fact that he was avoiding looking his daughter would piss me off.

And of course he has also lied to his boss-to make sure he got the time off.

BonnyScotland · 12/02/2017 20:25

Im sorry honey.... i agree with the others... he's having an affair... either follow him.. or ask someone else to follow him x

AnyFucker · 12/02/2017 20:25

peggy what is your practical advice for the op then ?

put up, shup up and give him more blow jobs ?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 12/02/2017 20:25

Just ask him. So much game playing suggested; it sounds exhausting.

Just say to him: "I know you've booked next week off work but I thought you weren't going to be able to look after DD which is why she's in holiday club. Can I cancel the holiday club or do you have something else planned?"

Or don't say anything and spend the week tying yourself in agonising knots trying to guess what's going on in his head and getting nowhere because you're not prepared to speak to him Confused

Pinotwoman82 · 12/02/2017 20:26

I'm sorry OP I can't think why he would do this xx

brooklyn66 · 12/02/2017 20:30

While I think game-playing is a bad idea, if you tell him for definite that you know he's booked time off he'll ask how you know, then could easily change his plans and become more careful with Ipad etc. Then you'll always have a sneaking suspicion.

peggyundercrackers · 12/02/2017 20:31

put up, shup up and give him more blow jobs ?

Maybe she should phone a friend? Here's a thought, be honest. Tell him you were snooping on his laptop/phone and found he has taken the time off and want to know why.

OP has also lied to her DH because she hasn't told him she has been snooping - Only on MN is it ok for one person to be forgiven for snooping then lying but it's not ok for the other...

foxyloxy78 · 12/02/2017 20:34

Don't say anything to him now. Just observe and make note. Take a fee days off when he has his booked leave. Go to leave the house as normal or better still, ask Dh to take your dd to holiday camp and you follow him in the car. See where he goes after that. If he goes home, then he may just want me time. But if he goes elsewhere you need to find out who he is visiting. Also if he goes home give it an hour or do and then go in saying you had to leave work early as you we're not feeling well. You never know, he could have arranged to meet someone in your own home. I know this sounds awful, but I don't trust him. And the only way you are going to get closure is if you do this because like someone else said, he will carry in lying. Covering one up with the other.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 12/02/2017 20:35

I would confront him now. You won't be able to relax until you do.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 12/02/2017 20:35

I'm sorry OP Flowers I really don't think it looks good.

GarrulousGrimoire · 12/02/2017 20:38

Don't ask him he'll just lie.

If catch him out next week.

Oh and if it is (unlikely) that he wants time to himself/get some unpressured work done/whatever he still lies to your face quite calmly and elaborately so I'd be done regardless.

Starlight2345 · 12/02/2017 20:39

I would be going through the rest of his emails..

I think ask him he will worm out of it.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 12/02/2017 20:39

Firstly, you're not a fool, he is.
Secondly, do not play detective, you need to broache this pronto.
What will be, will be, but keeping schtum, will make you poorly.
Just start the conversation, stay calm, the rest will follow, there is no need to plan what you are going to say, just do it.
We are all here to support you.
Put an end to your misery, the fear is worse than the reality.

Original poster
Mum2Hallie · 12/02/2017 20:39

Cheers Peggy, thanks for that. Really helped. Of course I will tell him, and I didn't 'snoop' we have never hidden devices, emails, texts, phones, etc., from each other. I'm just frightened of what this means for us and how it will affect my DD if it's the end and want to make sure that I handle it in a way that I can deal with, when I'm calm enough to do so. As for phoning a friend, I'd rather not tell people who know us in case we DO try and make it work and this will always be something uncomfortable that other people know. I KNOW I am being a coward and need to man up, but rushing into what is potentially the end of my marriage is bloody terrifying, even if it is the right thing in the end.
I came to Mumsnet for anonymous, honest advice -and that is what I have gotten, in the main. Thank you all. I'll talk to him tomorrow, when I've had time to collect my thoughts and just ask him straight out to explain himself. Regardless of if he's having an affair or not, he's lied to me. Again. And I can't take it anymore. Thank you all for helping me to see that I am worth more,and so is my little girl.

OP posts: