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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about husband's 'secret'? WWYD?

352 replies

Mum2Hallie · 12/02/2017 17:52

So my husband and I have gone through quite a few rocky patches over the years - nearly split up last year, but in the end decided to give it another go (around November time). Since then, things have been going pretty well. The 'being extra nice and helpful' bit wore off after a couple of weeks, but I can cope with that. However...

Half term is coming up (w/c 20th Feb where we live). We both work full time -me in an office, and DH from home with regular travel to clients. I can't take time off this half term, so asked DH if he could - said he was far too busy (which is fine) so i booked DD into a holiday club for the week - this discussion happened about three / four weeks ago.

Yesterday (by chance) I was using his iPad and went into the web browser - his work emails came up and the top message was from his boss about 'annual leave confirmed' - couldn't think why he'd be booking time off, so clicked on it out of curiosity. Saw a chain with the original email from him sent to his boss booking that week off as 'it's half term' then this recent email (Friday just gone) was amending it to four days off instead of five.

I'm flabbergasted. What is he DOING? Gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked for his schedule for that week (something we discuss a lot to organise who picks up / drops off DD). He talked through a really busy week with lots of visits to clients.

I then asked him how much holiday he had left (giving him another chance to own up) and he said 'oh a few days but I'm going to loose it all as I can't spare the time off at the
minute'

Given that a lot of our previous issues were based on his frequent dishonesty and my subsequent trust issues, I'm devastated.

I have no idea how to broach this with him, as I feel like it will be the end if I do.

Can anyone think of why this might be reasonable (from his side?) AIBU???? I can't tell anymore 😢

OP posts:
HarryPottersMagicWand · 12/02/2017 19:44

I wish posters would realise not everyone lives where they do. We are on half term too ffs so stop with all the blatant troll hunting.

I honestly wouldn't be able to wait OP. I'd have to confront him now and ask him again, then tell him he is lying and you want to know the fuck why.

FireSquirrel · 12/02/2017 19:45

It doesn't matter why he's lying, he shouldn't be lying at all. It's no way for OP to live, worrying herself to death over what he might be doing and constantly overanalysing everything looking for the next lie. He's obviously a massive dick who has no respect for OP. Pack his suitcase, print the email off and tape it to the top, stick it on the doorstep and change the locks.

Bahh · 12/02/2017 19:45

@peggy am now wetting myself imagining OP hiding around doors and under beds all day while Mission Impossible music plays in the background.

Sorry OP know that's not helpful Blush

HarryPottersMagicWand · 12/02/2017 19:46

Hang on, yes I just realised OP said week of 20th. Then tomorrow. What's going on OP as it sounds like you may not be entirely honest yourself.

Cagliostro · 12/02/2017 19:46

Half term varies this year, we have a different one to our neighbouring counties.

Sorry OP doesn't sound good at all. :(

WeatherwaxOrOgg · 12/02/2017 19:47

I'd make sure that he definitely isn't going to surprise you with time off first.

Don't say anything yet because it gives him the chance to say he was going to surprise you even if he blatantly wasn't.

Also, if you blow your cover too early you can't try and see what he's really up to.

Please update us?

I'm really am truly sorry you're going through this though, I have and being lied to is just about the worst ever feeling Sad

raviolidreaming · 12/02/2017 19:47

Current thoughts are that, when I get home tomorrow, I will ask him for details about his day. If he lies, I'll hand him this post printed off with all the comments and just walk away

Half term is coming up (w/c 20th Feb where we live)

Probably best get your dates sorted before you confront him.

SorrelSoup · 12/02/2017 19:47

HarryPottersMagicWand

Whaaaaat??? We're referring to what the op said: w/c 20th!!!

SorrelSoup · 12/02/2017 19:48

X post

girlelephant · 12/02/2017 19:51

OP yes to your post at 7.15 to not mention in until his first day you know is A/L

So bad unless there is a major surprise for you and he's arranges for you to also have the week off work and is taking you away

raviolidreaming · 12/02/2017 19:51

Cross posting from me too.

StealthPolarBear · 12/02/2017 19:51

Binary, if you work a salaried job it's normal to do some work in your own time ime.
Half term is the 20th where I am too, nothing is happening tomorrow place markers

Rhayader · 12/02/2017 19:52

I've had a very similar situation before and my advice would be to not say you know yet. If you come out and tell him now he will cover up his lie with another lie. Let the week unfold and keep a close eye on what he is doing.

My DH did this over and over again throughout our entire relationship and in the end i had to catch him literally in the act for him to come completely clean instead of him making up kind of believable lies and me just really wanting to believe them. The levels that they will go to to deceive are unbelievable - my DH even installed tracking software on my phone and keylogging on my laptop because he thought I might be as bad as him!

After this he got therapy (because he had a massive problem) and now we have a really honest relationship where we tell each other everything. There might be a light at the end of this tunnel, but it's not going to be easy. Unless he is surprising you with something then it doesn't look like there is an innocent explanation for this.

Bahh · 12/02/2017 19:54

Even if this is somehow a big amazing surprise, I would argue this level of anxiety is not worth the result :/

BlackeyedPetitsPois · 12/02/2017 19:54

Curiouser and curiouser Hmm

EweAreHere · 12/02/2017 19:55

I wouldn't hand him this thread if he lies after you confront him.

I'd hand him a copy of the emails to/from his boss confirming his time off.

This thread will give him too many arguments about why he needed time off, when the real point is he has been dishonest and lied repeatedly (when there are already trust issues), and is costing the family money in childcare when he should have used some of his holiday leave on his family, like parents are supposed to do, like you do.

Sorry, OP. He sounds like a real schmuck.

Original poster
Mum2Hallie · 12/02/2017 19:59

I meant the Monday 20th, not tomorrow. Sorry, but stressed and panicked. Can't think straight. Don't know if I can wait a week to talk to him about it though. Feel like I'm going insane - dizzy and sick all the time. We live in Hampshire, half term is week after next, which is the week he has booked off - all except for the Tuesday 21st. Christ head is spinning. I'm not sure what a troll is.

OP posts:
raviolidreaming · 12/02/2017 19:59

Half term is the 20th where I am too, nothing is happening tomorrow place markers

Except that it's after work tomorrow that the OP plans to hand him this thread printed out which is a terrible idea if he lies about his day.

Backt0Black · 12/02/2017 20:00

I'd be tempted to leave until the 1st day of his 'leave' .... if he ups and dresses as if not just hand him a printed copy of his email confirmation of annual leave. Possibly with the couple of times / dates you gave him the chance to own up added in biro.

ChuckSnowballs · 12/02/2017 20:00

Why are people saying follow him? He works from home... where's he gonna go?

Isn't that the point, he won't be working as he has taken the week off.. hence if he does go out she needs to know what he is up to. It is not to avoid childcare as the kids are already booked in for the week.

raviolidreaming · 12/02/2017 20:00

Sorry, OP. Cross-posted again!

ArriettyClock1 · 12/02/2017 20:01

Even if he plans a week with his feet up watching daytime tv, he's lying to you which is never ok, is it?

Original poster
Mum2Hallie · 12/02/2017 20:03

Wish I could just be braver and confront him today, but I just want to try and get my head together first. I used to be brave and confident. Now I just feel like I'm going mad half the time. It's how he makes me feel.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2017 20:05

Are you frightened of his reaction if you catch him out lying ?

That's not a good place to be Sad

SpartacusWoman · 12/02/2017 20:06

I'd ask him.

"Dh, i was using the browser on the iPad earlier and you'd left your emails open, thank you for telling your boss you needed half term off to pitch in at home, I'll cancel the holiday club in the morning, dd will love the one on one time with you."

And watch the fucker squirm.