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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to be able to moan about my job

106 replies

iwasstarving · 12/02/2017 12:09

DH and I have not agreed on the best way to raise a child, we've made some uneasy compromises. DH feels under 5s (ideally under 10s he says) should have a full time parent, obviously this needs to be me as I don't earn enough to cover the mortgage, but I was reluctant to go down this path. At first I thought I wanted it but the days on maternity leave were so so long.

So we compromised and I went back part time, 3 days a week. DH has done nothing to make life easier for me, every time I ask him for help he says "well if you'd give up work then you wouldn't need help."

The thing is work is very stressful right now but I can't say it's anything less than perfect otherwise he starts pressurising me to quit.

He's amazing but this is really getting me down :(

OP posts:

nocake · 12/02/2017 19:12

Why doesn't he want your child going to a nursery? There is lots of good evidence of the benefits so it seems a very short-sighted view.

ilovesooty · 12/02/2017 19:12

No one's laughing at you. He appears to be a total shit who's ground down your self esteem though.

TheMythOfFingerprints · 12/02/2017 19:22

Op, you have had lots of advice, I would add, make sure your contraception is taken care of.
Ideally by not sleeping with that bullying are, but if you are, well another baby would suit him down to the ground.

yorkshapudding · 12/02/2017 19:25

No one is laughing at you. Far from it. We're all outraged on your behalf.

He's behaving like a petulant child because he didn't get his way. Moaning about your job occasionally or finding it stressful at times is normal, that doesn't mean you should just jack it all in, and he knows it! He's just hoping that he can wear you down so you'll eventually do what he wants.

He's a twat and a misogynist. You sound lovely and you don't deserve this utter fuckwittery.

Original poster

iwasstarving · 12/02/2017 19:26

Nocake, he says lots of reasons really.

That its stressful, that he's there too long, that there's no point as I earn nothing after childcare, that we'd have a more relaxed less frantic pace of life with someone at home, that we could have more children.

I'm sorry sooty I was being way too sensitive, we have had a really bad day today and I was up from 3 in the morning yesterday.

OP posts:

piemaker · 12/02/2017 19:42

I don't have much advice about your DH but I think you are the one who is AMAZING!

Although I have great support from my husband and like you, I work 3 days a week. Nearly every week I go between thinking "i should quit my job then everything would be easier" and "I should work full time it would be easier"

For me, I find great support from my mummies/NCT friends, most of them work part time too. When we meet up we talked about our chaotic mornings and evenings, joke about how useless our husbands can be and stressful situations from work. It reminds me that there are other people in the same boat and is ok to be stressed/lose the plot a little bit sometimes. Do you have any friends who are in same situation as you?

I tell myself that there are 7 days in a week, I work 3 days a week and the other 4 days my dcs are with me and my DH. And going to childminder/Nusery have improved their social skills and help them be more confident.

And again, I think you are doing great x

Butterymuffin · 12/02/2017 19:43

No one is laughing at you, only at his cheek for thinking earning the most money gets him out of any parenting task he doesn't feel like doing. I know you've said he does plenty, but I would bet it's the things he likes to do. Someone who doesn't help when they are asked to because the other person 'ought not to need any help' is not that nice. He is their father and your husband, and meeting their/your needs should be something he wants to do, dot something he withholds to score points against you.

ilovesooty · 12/02/2017 19:43

You don't have to say sorry at all.

None of those reasons justify his wanting to control you.

Original poster

iwasstarving · 12/02/2017 19:45

I feel like I have no bones, like I want to stand up and be strong, but i'm made of spaghetti.

I keep thinking of going to the doctors but he won't like it. And can anti depressants really help me? Also I know its vain but I have baby weight from DC, I don't want to gain more. none of my clothes fit, as it is.

OP posts:

redexpat · 12/02/2017 19:53

He wont like you going to the drs? Dont tell him! Why on earth does he not want you to go the dr?

Original poster

iwasstarving · 12/02/2017 19:55

He would want to go with me

OP posts:

ollieplimsoles · 12/02/2017 20:06

You're in an emotionally abusive relationship op.

Any person who cant even go to the doctors about their own health concerns without fear of their partners poking their nose in and taking over is in trouble.

Butterymuffin · 12/02/2017 20:10

If he won't let you go to the doctors alone, he is seriously controlling. Adults should be free to see a doctor alone if they want to do so. No one else has to give permission.

ilovesooty · 12/02/2017 20:11

In no normal relationship would you not have the privacy and autonomy to go to the doctor on your own.

Original poster

iwasstarving · 12/02/2017 20:12

I know, I think I knew this and then got pregnant and now I'm stuck

OP posts:

Astro55 · 12/02/2017 20:18

I have a friend on anti depressants and the change in her is amazing - she has painted the house found a part time job sorted out her finances etc ... all because she feels more uplifted .... speak to your doctor

Can you not see that of you give up work and have more babies he'll have you exactly where he wants you for YEARS ..... you aren't living you are existing

You aren't stuck - you can leave and be happy - you just have to find the strength and belief that you'd be far happier - AND once you realize you can come and go as you like have the whole bed watch what you like - eat what you like - you can be free !!!

Baby weight? Should be an issue unless YOU feel it's an issue -

redexpat · 12/02/2017 20:21

Why do you think he would want to go with you?

Original poster

iwasstarving · 12/02/2017 20:25

he always does ...

I do feel like weight affects my confidence, none of my clothes fit I feel ugly

OP posts:

Astro55 · 12/02/2017 20:27

You work 3 days - can't you sneak off during those hours? Book half day holiday or similar? There are ways round it !

ilovesooty · 12/02/2017 20:29

He won't want to risk you telling your GP exactly how he's impacting on your well being.

Original poster

iwasstarving · 12/02/2017 20:32

Suppose he finds out though?

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 12/02/2017 20:33

The doctor isn't going to tell him.

Astro55 · 12/02/2017 20:35

How will he find out - more worryingly - what would he do if he did? What are you scared of?

TheMythOfFingerprints · 12/02/2017 20:38

Where is your family op?

Original poster

iwasstarving · 12/02/2017 20:39

I don't have any family I still occasionally see the people I lived with but not much

Sooty I know, but if I was prescribed pills, he might find them. and then he'd know.

OP posts:

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