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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to be able to moan about my job

106 replies

iwasstarving · 12/02/2017 12:09

DH and I have not agreed on the best way to raise a child, we've made some uneasy compromises. DH feels under 5s (ideally under 10s he says) should have a full time parent, obviously this needs to be me as I don't earn enough to cover the mortgage, but I was reluctant to go down this path. At first I thought I wanted it but the days on maternity leave were so so long.

So we compromised and I went back part time, 3 days a week. DH has done nothing to make life easier for me, every time I ask him for help he says "well if you'd give up work then you wouldn't need help."

The thing is work is very stressful right now but I can't say it's anything less than perfect otherwise he starts pressurising me to quit.

He's amazing but this is really getting me down :(

OP posts:
ElderDruid · 12/02/2017 16:40

I'm sorry you're under so much pressure, it must be really difficult, in a dream world you'd be Mary Poppins, but it's not for everyone, not only during the early years but when they're at school. You should be able to compromise and DH wouldn't be such a dick. It's your life, does he ask your permission for everything he does? If you say no does he just do his own thing?

Ultimately it's your life and your choices. He should be supportive.

I haven't read the whole thread but do you have friends you can confide in?

Original poster
iwasstarving · 12/02/2017 16:54

About what?

OP posts:
Softkitty2 · 12/02/2017 17:10

Does he live in the 1950s? He is unreasonable and you should tell him that. The children are not your sole responsibility and just because he is the main earner doesn't mean he gets to stop parenting.

Original poster
iwasstarving · 12/02/2017 17:16

But he does parent. This isn't really what I am saying, he does plenty. Goes swimming, goes for walks, baths, loads of stuff.

But ideally he wouldn't want the baby going to nursery or a childminder.

Since if he gave up work, we couldn't pay the mortgage, it is me he thinks should stop work

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 12/02/2017 17:17

He's a sexist wanker.

So, really not amazing.

Original poster
iwasstarving · 12/02/2017 17:20

He nearly always ends up getting his way somehow

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 12/02/2017 17:58

he says "well if you'd give up work then you wouldn't need help."
There are two adults in your household. You do not need 'help', you need him to pull his weight. If he can't manage that, perhaps he would prefer his own household. All on his own. I can see from your posts you think he does a lot, but I think he only does the fun stuff.

I could not respect a man like this. And without respect, I cannot love. Can you? I think I would tell him that he is chipping away at the foundations of your marriage every time he behaves this way, and ask him if he would prefer to split. Ho doesn't of course - but I think he needs to know that his behaviour could have a result other than him getting his own way. He's a bully.

Astro55 · 12/02/2017 18:15

He can also cook clean the kitchen and put a load of washing in .... he could also support his partner in her life choices and respect the decision

Original poster
iwasstarving · 12/02/2017 18:37

He doesn't though, it's like he's got a fixed way of how family life should look

OP posts:
haveacupoftea · 12/02/2017 18:39

DP mentioned that I might like to stay at home after we have our baby. I started shouting about my skills being wasted and the feminist movement. Seemed to do the trick Wink

PoorYorick · 12/02/2017 18:40

He's amazing

He's an amazing twat, yes.

ilovesooty · 12/02/2017 18:41

I suppose at some point you'll realise that he isn't amazing at all and he treats your partnership with total lack of respect.

PoorYorick · 12/02/2017 18:44

But ideally he wouldn't want the baby going to nursery or a childminder.

Yes, well, ideally I would be a billionaire with a 12 bedroom mansion, holiday home in the Bahamas and Chris Hemsworth naked and chained to my four poster bed.

Life is full of cruel disappointment!

Original poster
iwasstarving · 12/02/2017 18:45

I feel like people are laughing at me.

Am I reading you all wrong, or what?

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 12/02/2017 18:47

Absolutely not, OP, we are 100% on your side. That's why we are taking the piss out of your disrespectful, controlling year husband. Not you, not in a million years.

Original poster
iwasstarving · 12/02/2017 18:49

sorry if I read that wrong Blush

I feel so rubbish about it all, he can be amazing in some ways but all the same, I feel if we didn't have a baby I might not be here, but we do, so ...

OP posts:
pandarific · 12/02/2017 18:51

People aren't laughing at you. He's a jerk. You are a real person whose wishes are exactly as important as his. Guilting or manipulating you is shitty behaviour from someone who is meant to be your biggest fan and 100% on your side. Who the hell is he to tell you what you should do with your life?

Sorry OP, but you have some thinking to do about whether or not your life would be better without being under his thumb.

PoorYorick · 12/02/2017 18:52

It's a worrying sign of how low you have been ground down that a thread full of people say your husband is a disrespectful turd and you worry that it's you we don't like.

Chippednailvarnishing · 12/02/2017 18:54

Your idea of amazing is a bit crap to be honest.

Surreyblah · 12/02/2017 18:55

Does your work have an employee assistance programme that offers counselling? Or could you afford some yourself?

Don't, whatever you do, give up your economic independence.

What your H is doing is NOT OK.

Original poster
iwasstarving · 12/02/2017 18:58

Thank you, can't afford counselling. I sometimes think I would like to talk to someone but I feel completely numb. So I'm not sure it helps.

OP posts:
counterpoint · 12/02/2017 19:00

It sounds like you have issues with having a baby rather than a husband, maybe?

Original poster
iwasstarving · 12/02/2017 19:03

how do you mean?

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 12/02/2017 19:08

Have you tried talking to your GP? You sound so unhappy and counselling doesn't have to cost money. No one is laughing at you on this thread I only see people who are angry with your DH who is not amazing but a bully who puts his needs and wants before yours.

danadas · 12/02/2017 19:09

I really feel for you but he is trying to bully you out of working. He may be great at loads of things but he needs to support you in your decisions.

You need to have a completely frank conversation with him. This is the decision I have made, I am going to be working, you are going to have to help, I am going to have bad days at work and it is going to be stressful sometimes but that is where I need your support. He can't just tantrum until you give in and sit and home bearing his children and making him sandwiches. It is not fair on you.

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