to think they're not ungrateful, just disappointed?

[Blinkybell]

I have 2 DDs, every Christmas and birthday MiL will ring up and ask what they would like.

Every Christmas and birthday I give her a range of ideas (she gives me a budget and I'll give her suggestions within that). Every Christmas and birthday she'll then tell me she doesn't want to buy any of the things I've suggested and will buy something totally different.

Both DDs have hobbies and interests which are a gold mine of present ideas - DD2 is into horse riding and needed new jodhpurs, or her riding school does gift vouchers for hacks or lessons, etc, etc. DD1 is massively arty and is currently doing her art GCSE and loves sketch books or any art stuff really.

At Christmas MiL didn't want to buy anything we suggested and bought them some make up gift sets (nail varnish, etc). DD2 doesn't wear any make up. DD1 does but she has her own brands and colours that suit her. Both girls were really polite, thanked her, were fairly enthusiastic and wrote her thank you letters after Christmas

Anyway, DD2 has a birthday coming up and MiL called last night to find out what DD would like. DH gave her some ideas, and again, she didn't want to buy those things. DH asked her why she kept asking if she was just going to ignore anything we said. It ended up in a bit of an argument - our kids are ungrateful and spoilt and she didn't know why she bothered.

Thing is, she never listens, she's never really bothered to get to know our kids, she's just not interested in them really (DH's older sister was always the favoured child, and now her kids are the favoured grandchildren) so she doesn't know that DD2 doesn't ever wear make up and that at 15 DD1 saves up her pocket money to buy MAC.

They are polite, they say thanks, write letters, phone her, etc, but it does upset them - they've both said "does Nanny know us at all?" Especially when they see their cousins opening stuff like computer games they've asked for

I just get a bit fed up with it all. They'd never say anything, but they're not grateful in all honesty, and I can't say I blame them.

The thing is, it,s very difficult to remember what is age appropriate before you factor in personal tastes. I have 3 dcs in their late teens/early 20s. Dsis has a 6 year old and a 9 year old. I can't remember what they like at that age so would always ask. For older nieces and nephews I'd always give cash, perhaps making it personal with a token gift as well - some nice chocolate for example.

I think this is where being polite and saying thank you backfires a bit (not that I'm suggesting we all give up on manners!).

Whether MIL does this for control -as suggested upthread - or because she thinks she knows best, the outcome is the same. She gets thanks and letters and appreciation because your girls are well brought up, while she smirks at home because in her mind she thinks she's got one over on you because the girls were sooo pleased with the things she got them and that weren't what you suggested.

There must be a polite way of getting out of this cycle. How about inventing an aunt - you really - who got them something they'd really like (not exactly what you told MIL or she'll be thinking how smart she was not to get it and double up, but in the same area - eg you tell her a MAC lippie but the aunt got a MAC eyeshadow) and MIL gets a very polite thank you when you see her, after which daughter raves about the eyeshadow and how much she loves MAC?

Desperate times, desperate measures!

You make an excellent point devil

It's very difficult to work out how to get around indulging thoughtless behaviour without appearing rude yourself.

But tbh someone who so blatantly goes and does the opposite of what's been suggested/agreed probably wouldn't take any notice anyway.

She'd just preach to all and sundry about how awful you all are.

When I was about 10 I went through a brief phase of liking elephants and collecting them. My entire family cottoned on to this and despite asking me what I wanted for Christmas and birthdays (gift vouchers, cd's ect, all provided on a list), they ignored it and I was given every elephant related product they could find. Slippers, pyjamas, toys, clothes, towels. Everything had an elephant on it, this went on for fucking years until I was pleading with my DM to please tell them to stop buying me things with elephants on! No one listened. I think I was in my late teens when it finally stopped.

I sympathise with your DDs, OP. There is no point asking somebody what they would like if you then ignore it.

If you ask for an idea, then go with it, rather than give something unwanted.
Yes as people have suggested you can give it to charity who will get a fraction of the price - what's the point in giving the high street £30, for a Charity store to get £5, when the girls could have got what they wanted instead / £30 could have been donated to charity!

Your daughters don't sound spoilt, just very aware that Granny doesn't buy them anything they're interested in therefore can't know them very well, just like presents from my SIL whom I wish I had the courage to suggest we stop buying for each other!

My MIL is a bit like this. When the dds were small we suggested some outfits for bears they had as Xmas presents. MIL refused on the grounds that the colours wouldn't suit the bear

Sounds exactly like my MIL! I've stopped giving suggestions now as she ALWAYS buys something the complete opposite anyway.

For my youngest recently, we had just downsized and I suggested something small please. But nooooooo she bought one of those full bloody kitchen things that require a small mansion to house it in. Grrrrrr

It's a good life lesson for children to learn that they won't like all presents and it's kind, gracious and good manners to give thanks anyway. You try your best to give her ideas for presents and she chooses to ignore. Her choice. You should do nothing.

Yanbu and it is excellent that DH has finally said something. Your children are being deliberately treated less favourably than others in the family, thus there is nothing for you or them to be grateful for.

What an unpleasant woman, Has your DH had this out face to face - best done before the next Christmas/Birthday event

Sounds exactly like my nan and her relationship/ gift giving to me and my sister. We got makeup and things in wrong sizes etc because that's what she bought my cousin who was like in your family the favourite grandchild from the favourite of her children.
We knew what our relationship with her was by the time we were your girls ages so never expected anything different. Once I was old enough to choose not to visit her I didn't. She even declined to come to my wedding.

I suggest the girls and mil join you on a pre christmasshopping trip and lunch..tell the girls to take granny to show her the things they like...then regroup for lunch. It should help. Get your girls to show her things in a range of prices. Mil are funny things, this year mine sent her darling boy a very substantial cheque. Last year expensive sweater and expensive booze. I got the usual silky scarf she gets free with her makeup every year as I have done for the last 20 years.... I choose not to care about it and regift the things to a good cause...otherwise I'd be in therapy!!

My in laws are brilliant at gifts for the kids. Really thoughtful.The presents they get for us are laughably crap and demonstrate both how little they think of us and how little they know us! Still better it's that way round.

When I emailed to give mil suggestions for dhs recent landmark birthday I got an airy response that no she was fine Dh was easy to buy for (he's not). He is now the proud owner of a child's outdoor thermometer and a bottle of cognac (he does not and never has drunk spirits).

Thanks all!

I'm not going to make a big fuss about it. I just took umbrage at my girls being called ungrateful and spoilt. Bloody cheek of it!

I think the issue is, she's just not interested. Which is up to her, but I think she feels she should be interested so makes a half assed attempt but never gets it quite right. She's not bothered enough to listen/get to know them but wants to look like granny of the year. If that makes sense

We've tried to stop present buying, suggested vouchers, cash, just buying some nice chocolate, etc, but she won't have it.

She is very hard work, and we can never win. Fortunately, we don't live that close, and she won't visit us

We are in the same boat. Cannot win.
Only solution we've found is to stop hoping it will be different and go with the flow.
They are not expensive presents or chosen with real thought so laugh it off. Don't let the girls dwell on it. Treat it as a big joke...what is it this time? Etc
Mine insisted that I wanted a particular brand of make up. Even though I hardly wear it and already had plenty of mascara etc and don't trust others to buy it for me. I later saw in a magazine that there was a really good free gift offer on this brand. She bought me the two products but kept the free gift and when I thanked her said "I don't know why you are so obsessed about make up at OUR age". Continuing the often alluded to fantasy that we are the same age.

OP you and your family sound great. I totally sympathise with the pointlessness of shit gift giving.
My MIL is lovely and does sometimes ask for and act on gift guidance, however, she can rarely resist also buying some utterly random rubbish, and sort of saying it with pride.
Like "oh I've just bought him (my DH , her DS) some silly bits."
They're not personal, usually not very exciting, and well frankly, therefore just a silly waste of her money.
We gets lots of nice things, and are very grateful, I'd just rather she not bother with the tat type stuff.

I guess maybe she does it so there's more to open?! But we're late 30s FGS!

MIL are a different breed altogether. Mine said she wanted f**k all to do with my children and then bought DD Tights for Christmas and nothing for my ds's. MIL has been banned from gifting to my children and doesn't know where we live (not over presents btw a load of trouble over how badly she snubs my DC)

If she wasn't "interested" in your children, she wouldn't be calling at all, or bothering to give gifts. Use the occasions she calls to say the 15yo likes MAC makeup, and your other DD doesn't wear makeup at all. Why can't you do that? Perhaps she can't afford the presents you suggest; who knows. Otherwise, the "Nanny doesn't really know me, does she?" comment seems a bit OTT given your OP.

My MIL mostly sends cheques now but even the small presents sent with it always shows how thoughtless she is. For example DH and I have just hit goal on WeightWatchers and she sent us both Sweets and chocolate. Goth/emo DD2 got a couple of rhinestone hairslides that were greeted with, "What am I supposed to do with these?!". Not that appropriate gratitude wasn't expressed on the phone. Thing is we live hundreds of miles from both our sets of parents and both send cheques and a small gift. The stuff my DM sends is always bang on though because she pays attention. MIL isn't actually interested in their wants, just what she thinks they should want. As DH is her only child, these are all the grandchildren she's going to get too.

OP is clear that her gift suggestions are well within MILs budget theclaws. It isn't the cost.

Get your daughters to speak to MIL themselves. She may find it harder to ignore if the choices come from the girls themselves and at least they can tell MIL that they don't wear makeup or whatever else she suggests as an alternative. If the random gifts still continue just be honest and tell her to send cash or vouchers as the girls prefer to choose their own stuff. Play the fussy teenager card if necessary.

Why not get dd1or dd2 to put in the thank you card how grateful they are as this is just what their best friend absolutely loves and it will save her actually spending pocket money on a present for them.

The other could thank her along the lines of the school tombola was looking for gifts and this will make the perfect prize.

I read somewhere that narcissistic mothers are notoriously bad gift givers. My mother is in that bracket. Words fail me re: some of the tat she's bought over the years.

On a wider issue, my SIL is very very specific when it comes to Christmas and Birthdays for her family. My DH and I are given a list of about 4 items per person for her family from which to choose. A good 3 out of 4 items are not exactly cheap. Some might say they err on the side of 'crikey,... okay', when it is established on the internet how much some of these things are.

We always stick to the list and end up (stupidly) spending a significant chunk of money on the family of four as a whole.

We are also asked what we'd like. I keep it REAL simple by asking for one or two small, low cost items from which to choose. The DH is elated with socks! I know keeping a family of four is expensive, so we don't want to make them feel uncomfortable.

This year for Christmas, I got what was clearly re-gifted tat. The kind of shite that blocks up your drawers in the kitchen and you resent on sight.

These people are intelligent and socially aware. As all presents were opened in front of the whole family, it almost provided 'cover' for how utterly insulting it was. As they sat there looking considerably self-satisfied with their expensive gadgets and gizmos - the things they wanted. As a consequence my DH was more than a bit furious and stated 'that's the last time we (yes, the royal 'we' - I do all the present buying/wrapping!), do that.

It wasn't about the money - and never is. And they're not poor (2 nice cars, new extension, etc). I love giving really well thought out and considered gifts. It was definitely the principle. My OH was truly furious. I think more because he's spent quite a few years defending them - but now realises their attitudes/actions in this context are indefensible. They come across as real opportunists and more than a bit 'grabbing'. I guess stupid us for entertaining it.

This Christmas will be very different. (Ideally I won't be there either!)

In my OH's eyes, they have taken the piss one too many times and the never ending pot of consideration has now been used up.

And he means it. All I can think is 'Silly them'...!

Thanks all!

Yes, my suggestions are all within the budget she gives me. I give her ideas ranging from a couple of quid upwards

This isn't the first time it's blown up - a few years ago she bought the girls swings for the garden. When we pointed out we already had a climbing frame/swing/slide thingamajig we had the same reaction. Spoilt, ungrateful, etc

We've talked to her, suggested money/vouchers, I've sent links, offered to get stuff and send it on to her, all sorts but I don't think we'll ever win with this.

Usually we don't give it much thought, but I got pissed off with her calling them spoilt