to think they're not ungrateful, just disappointed?

[Blinkybell]

I have 2 DDs, every Christmas and birthday MiL will ring up and ask what they would like.

Every Christmas and birthday I give her a range of ideas (she gives me a budget and I'll give her suggestions within that). Every Christmas and birthday she'll then tell me she doesn't want to buy any of the things I've suggested and will buy something totally different.

Both DDs have hobbies and interests which are a gold mine of present ideas - DD2 is into horse riding and needed new jodhpurs, or her riding school does gift vouchers for hacks or lessons, etc, etc. DD1 is massively arty and is currently doing her art GCSE and loves sketch books or any art stuff really.

At Christmas MiL didn't want to buy anything we suggested and bought them some make up gift sets (nail varnish, etc). DD2 doesn't wear any make up. DD1 does but she has her own brands and colours that suit her. Both girls were really polite, thanked her, were fairly enthusiastic and wrote her thank you letters after Christmas

Anyway, DD2 has a birthday coming up and MiL called last night to find out what DD would like. DH gave her some ideas, and again, she didn't want to buy those things. DH asked her why she kept asking if she was just going to ignore anything we said. It ended up in a bit of an argument - our kids are ungrateful and spoilt and she didn't know why she bothered.

Thing is, she never listens, she's never really bothered to get to know our kids, she's just not interested in them really (DH's older sister was always the favoured child, and now her kids are the favoured grandchildren) so she doesn't know that DD2 doesn't ever wear make up and that at 15 DD1 saves up her pocket money to buy MAC.

They are polite, they say thanks, write letters, phone her, etc, but it does upset them - they've both said "does Nanny know us at all?" Especially when they see their cousins opening stuff like computer games they've asked for

I just get a bit fed up with it all. They'd never say anything, but they're not grateful in all honesty, and I can't say I blame them.

I'm wondering what awful thing you could get your dh to buy her
I have just the thing, from the Facebook tat thread

When it's her birthday / Christmas. Call her and ask what she would like. Save the crap gifts she gets your girls, re-wrap and give them to her.

I think also people think size/quantity matters too much.

I would rather have one or to "naice" well made good quality items to unwrap.

Family however seem to love getting lots of little things.

It's the endless piles of clutter we keep getting bought/given I hate as I don't have the space.

I research alot. Check reviews and stockists and returns policy's.

For Instance art stuff. Id plan on buying a good/nice set. One that had good reviews but was perhaps a little pricy. Example gel/glitter pens.

I buy dd a nice set that wrote beautifully and all worked. But I'm mean as there were only 8. Family buy some cheap set from pound land or wherever. They bought three. One each for kids. And a spare.

Between the three I still don't have one complete set that works.

So now not only do I have to find space for 98 pens. But 90 of them are rubbish to boot.

But as long as everyone else looks generous and my kids look like spoiled brats for saying they don't work everyone's happy

If buying gifts people need to get over themselves and realise it's not about having a huge pile or looking generous by handing over a ton of stuff or merely spending the money in the first place. It's about trying to get what you think or know the people would like and realising that it's far worse to present people with useless crap than it is just to not bother and just ring up and speak to them on the day. Sure kids would love to hear from their grandma ...

My mother does this- it's almost as if she wants to know what the kids want in order to punish them for having the nerve to want stuff! She was the same when my sisters and I were little and us wanting something was a good enough reason for never, ever giving it to us.
My mother is absolutely batshit!

I do love the idea of asking her what she wants for her birthday, then gift wrapping a pair of football boots or something

I mean when it comes to families and special occasions.

Endless piles of tat for kids parties is a given and it's lovely people turn up and celebrate the day.

Drove me mad with my DD.

Whole family gave boys vouchers/cash but for girls they said they enjoyed buying girly gifts (or in 1 case recycling their own tat). DD had eczema - 1 year over £1000 of make up/ toiletries/gifts she couldn't use- hairdryer(she had a GHD one already, straighteners (she had GHDs already). The dreaded boots 3 for 2 (yes 1 extra bit of unwanted tat for free)

Of course she said thank-you but it was pretty galling when her brother then hit amazon/game and she was left with a pile of useless rubbish that got given away (or returned if we could but without receipts got back very little compared to what it cost the giver)

my MIL does this too, We've told her that we wont buy / read lemony snicket or david walliams books so if she wants to get them something to read they are good bets. we now have about 83 copies of roald dahl books because she doesn't listen. She then gets upset at the duplication so we now don't tell her, and she wastes money on duplicating,

We have had similar problems in the past whereby she's asked what the children are having for birthdays and we've said 'a bike' so if you could get helmet/knee pads or whatever that'd be great and she then bowls up with a cheap shit version of what we've bought. It used to take the shine off every celebration, which is why I think she did it, so we now don't have her over on the day because I can't bear her being all sulky and ruining everyone's day.

Thanks!

I do think there's an element of quantity over quality here.

She wouldn't spent £50 on 1 pot of MAC foundation (that DD1 actually wants and would use) or £50 on a voucher for a riding lessons for DD2, but she would spend £50 (each!) on a pile of make up sets from ASDA (which is exactly what she did do) so they have a big pile of presents to open (but they're never going to use the glittery nail polish or the set of lip gloss).

Madness!

In my family we ask what people want, give vouchers or cash, we all club together for bigger presents and we're all happy and genuinely grateful

I am afraid that we just stopped gift giving as soon as we could. My DD would rather get nothing than endless tat. I could always give her the money saved on not giving to get something she would like.

and she didn't know why she bothered

I would say. That is fine. Please don't bother in future and suggest that you all stop gift giving as a family. Then use the money that you would have spent on her for your girls.

And yes, the 'girly' stuff too.

Neither of mine have been particularly girly.

She'd take them out for a day out and buy them pretty frocks and false nails and want to spend hours plaiting their hair. We did convince her they'd rather do stuff like take her dog for a walk, but she got in a huge huff over it.

A few years ago she did actually get DD2 some lego that she'd asked for but insisted on buying the pink version. DD2 likes pink, but lego is lego and she didn't care what colour it was.

I would ask your MIL what she wants for her birthday then buy her something completely unsuitable like a grunge rock group t shirt.

Present her with the gift then tell her you are excited to see her wear it out for a meal.

This is probably the only way she will understand.

My own MIL was amazing, gave her a list, she listened and bought what was on the list. She got to witness my children's eyes going wide and their genuine gratitude for the gifts they got from her. Why would someone not want that?

Last year my mother decided what to get dd for Xmas. It wasn't great. A plastic tell the time clock - that was her "big idea" and she was very excited about it, dd not so much (she was 7). And a coat, which I bought and she paid for. Generally speaking my mother luckily "doesn't have time" to buy my dd stuff. So I ask her a budget and mother scoffs at some of the things I buy. But at least dd gets what she wants. I can therefore make sure dd gets things like Jacqueline Wilson books not David Walliams (which is what my mother thinks dd should like) etc. So I still get flack but at least dd gets what she wants. I had to be pretty forceful with her otherwise we'd have all amount of crap. Perhaps get your dh on the case?

I'd either go with "MIL, you're right. The girls are spoiled. We've decided to give up on bday and Christmas presents altogether"

Or just keep on accepting the tat, and put it straight on eBay. Your girls can use the money to get something they actually like.

YANBU. You DDs sound like the opposite of spoiled and ungrateful. Your MIL doesn't deserve to have her feelings spared in these circumstances but they are kind enough to do so anyway.

It's such a shame that they now recognise just how little their own grandmother knows them. "Does Nanny know us at all?" I think that's really sad that she's never bothered and now the girls know it.

It's her loss at the end of the day - they sound like lovely girls and I'm sure have all the love they need from the rest of your family.

Your MIL sounds really hard work.

Hi, op. Do you think that maybe DM had already bought the gifts & was hoping that, by asking what your DC would like; she would have an idea if the shit gifts were the sort of thing they would want? Not that it makes a blind bit of difference.

When she calls up to ask what they want could you cash or a voucher, they are of an age when they like to put money towards a bigger item/something they like?

It's not grabby, as she has asked. As soon as a child is old enough to spend in shops I swap from actual gifts to vouchers or cash.

I'm hoping DHs family get the hint soon.....

I'm with the posters who say ask mil what she would like for a present and then Buy her something completely different.

Then expect a thank you card and endless praise for your bought fil gift.
If she fails to do this write her a scathing letter telling her how ungrateful she is.

I forgot about boys being given 'fun' presents.
My dd1 was fisappointed one year, think she was 7.
Sil couldn't understand why until I pointed out that every single one of dhs family had bought her writing things, pens pencils, diaries etc etc.
No games at all. However ghey had bought ds games, all of gn, not a pen pencil or diary in sight.

I told sil that dd1 had received nothing fun st all and she was just a young child!!!!

I've just realised my family are creeping towards buying DD 'girly' stuff - pens, colouring in stuff, dolls. Whilst DS gets games and action toys which actually DD prefers to play with.

OP your DDs sound great. It's a shame their DGM isn't listening to what they would like, but knowing that she was like them with ethic DF too might help them (it's not them, it's your MIL)! You could make it into a fun game and take bets on what unsuitable present she's going to get - make it into a funny quirk of your MILs that you can giggle about.

Dear MIL
You ask.
We tell you.
You then go off and do something completely different.
The children are disappointed but polite.
You are a PITA.

Not my mil but the OP's obviously.

I agree people should be grateful for what they get and its rude not to thank the giver politely. But it also seems rude to me if a giver expressly asks what they would like and then dismisses their preferences in favour of something she thinks they should want instead that isn't even in the same ballpark. What's the point of asking at all if you just intend to impose your choice on them anyway?
If a friend asks you what you'd like to drink in a bar and you say gin and tonic and they bring you back a brandy because they decided they didn't like your expressed choice you'd think they were batshit.

DD1 was 22 months old one Xmas and MIL said they were going to buy her a pram. I said no, and suggested more suitable toys. She was the first GD and they had 3 DSs. She already had one of those plastic "bug" prams which was ideal for a toddler.

So this bloody pram turns up. It's a Silver Cross-type model, absolutely huge. It won't fit in our extremely small house for a start, and more importantly DD is not a dolly girl. It must have cost a bomb and was aimed at a girl of at least 8 ish.

Within a couple of weeks DD had decided this pram was for climbing in, being that sort of child. It fell over and broke. She was far too young for it and not remotely interested.

(DD2 would have absolutely loved such a present when she was 8 but now granny sends £5 in a card )

Actually, this thread reminds me of my late dad, he called and asked for ideas for dss one Christmas. They were really into their music collections at that stage so I suggested a number of CDs by their favourite bands. He was having a laugh at some of the band names when I was telling him but he came through, enclosing a little card with one for ds1: "Dear GS, I couldn't find a cd by Blinkin' Krap so I got you this one by Linkin' Park instead - hope you like it."

My mum, on the other hand, never asks just gets what she thinks we'd like - you'd think by the law of averages she has to get it close to right once in a blue moon but never has yet. None of us would dream of hurting her feelings by expressing anything but delight to her face though.