to think they're not ungrateful, just disappointed?

[Blinkybell]

I have 2 DDs, every Christmas and birthday MiL will ring up and ask what they would like.

Every Christmas and birthday I give her a range of ideas (she gives me a budget and I'll give her suggestions within that). Every Christmas and birthday she'll then tell me she doesn't want to buy any of the things I've suggested and will buy something totally different.

Both DDs have hobbies and interests which are a gold mine of present ideas - DD2 is into horse riding and needed new jodhpurs, or her riding school does gift vouchers for hacks or lessons, etc, etc. DD1 is massively arty and is currently doing her art GCSE and loves sketch books or any art stuff really.

At Christmas MiL didn't want to buy anything we suggested and bought them some make up gift sets (nail varnish, etc). DD2 doesn't wear any make up. DD1 does but she has her own brands and colours that suit her. Both girls were really polite, thanked her, were fairly enthusiastic and wrote her thank you letters after Christmas

Anyway, DD2 has a birthday coming up and MiL called last night to find out what DD would like. DH gave her some ideas, and again, she didn't want to buy those things. DH asked her why she kept asking if she was just going to ignore anything we said. It ended up in a bit of an argument - our kids are ungrateful and spoilt and she didn't know why she bothered.

Thing is, she never listens, she's never really bothered to get to know our kids, she's just not interested in them really (DH's older sister was always the favoured child, and now her kids are the favoured grandchildren) so she doesn't know that DD2 doesn't ever wear make up and that at 15 DD1 saves up her pocket money to buy MAC.

They are polite, they say thanks, write letters, phone her, etc, but it does upset them - they've both said "does Nanny know us at all?" Especially when they see their cousins opening stuff like computer games they've asked for

I just get a bit fed up with it all. They'd never say anything, but they're not grateful in all honesty, and I can't say I blame them.

Must add my MIL cab he a bit like this too. We never ask her to get anything as we don't want her to have to spend out money we know she doesn't have. We would just link a text or phone call to wish them. Happy birthday/Xmas or whatever.

Sometimes she will say she's getting something so we adjust what we were going to get accordingly.

Then she either doesn't get it or its something she got given by someone by someone else who thought her grandkids might like it (im fine with re gifts however these are often used/a bit dirty/ mismatched etc )

Or its some crap of a Facebook selling site.

Or out a charity shop

Or some completely useless cheap crappy version of what we were gonna get the kids.

Ffs just send 2 quid taped to a card or something. And stop getting yourself dwindled off Facebook selling sites or stupid craft stalls

She wants to buy them something physical rather than vouchers maybe? Also the ungrateful comment came after your dh had a pop at her for asking what they want when she never buys it. So she snapped back with 'well that's ungrateful' and I can't really blame her. It was a bit rude of your dh to speak to her like that.

TheStoic I kind of agree, but at same time why did MIL ask what they would like and then just not bother sticking to it?

It's a strange thing to do, if she never listens to the answers. Not sure what her motivation would be.

I wouldn't be spending an ounce of brainpower on it, though. It's not nice to see your kids disappointed, but that's life. Don't expect a thoughtful gift, and you'll never be disappointed.

Well your DDs sound lovely
You sound thoughtful and reasonable
DH stands up for you all to his mum!

I dont understand why she asks and I find it very annoying. I also think gifting make up is a waste if you dont know the person and a bit silly.

I feel bad all this stuff is going to waste, I hate waste. And it is not as if DDs can be honest and say actually not my cup of tea

Very weird. She either thinks her gifts are better or she is just stubborn

I wouldn't be spending an ounce of brain power on it Yes, Stoic, I agree. I really think people attach an importance onto gifts that doesn't need to be there, Mind you, I rarely get given bad gifts- maybe because I have a small circle of close friends who know what I like- no MIL on the scene. Not yet anyway!

The thing is, she's not actually a shit gift giver, OP. Because she always gets her favoured daughter's children exactly what they want. So she can get it right when she wants to. She clearly just doesn't want to. And I'm glad your DH pulled her up on it.

Frankly, I would start doing exactly what another poster suggested: buy her something that clearly isn't her (someone suggested a man's jumper). And repeat. And tell her she should be grateful because you thought she 'should' like it because you think she should.

Because that's exactly what she's doing to your daughter's ad nauseum.

Don't expect a thoughtful gift, and you'll never be disappointed.

I think that's sad, though. I spend time and effort finding out and considering what the people I love are into and enjoy, before I give a gift. And I know you're not meant to say this on MN but I do expect the same back. Otherwise, to me, there really is no point.

The MIL is basically saying 'I know what you like, but I don't care. Have this anyway'.

I'm probably biased because I'm into posh make up like your DD, and one time my boyfriend at the time's mum asked him what I'd like for Christmas, and he sent her a link to a designer lipstick that cost about £15. She felt that that gift was far too small for the price and so proceeded to buy me a fondue set, slipper socks, a cat calendar, and a fluffy scarf she'd also bought for her 7yo DGD. All stuff from the pound shop totally unsuitable for a fashion conscious 19yo. It all went straight

... in the charity bag at my mum's. WIll never understand that one.

There's another thread on here at the moment where OP is insisting on buying a bride and groom tea vouchers when they asked for money.

Some people are just a bit arrogant and assume they know what a recipient wants better than the recipient!

It's bizarre but what can you do? Accept with grace and regift!

That's a perfect way of putting it Walter.

DH asked her why she kept asking if she was just going to ignore anything we said. It ended up in a bit of an argument - our kids are ungrateful and spoilt and she didn't know why she bothered.

Why didn't he just tell her they are neither ungrateful or spoiled, and he doesn't know why she bothers either? I would. I'd say "look, every year you ask us what to get the girls and every year you completely ignore us and get things that you think they should want but they don't. Why do you ask us and why don't you want to get them things they actually like?"

People just aren't honest enough.

People just aren't honest enough.
Agreed

We don't really give it a whole lot of head space generally

DH got a bit fed up that yet again, she'd asked and dismissed us, then ranted at how ungrateful we all are.

Kids pretty much accept that nanny isn't the best gift giver in the world.

We never ask for anything hugely expensive. £15 jodhpurs, a gift voucher for a riding lesson is £20. Sketch books are a few pounds. Everything is way within the budget she gives. She could have spent the same on art stuff as she did on make up sets and have a really nice pile of presents to give DD1. Or bought her the brand of makeup she likes but just bought 1 thing. I just don't get it.

Yes, I think I will stop trying to buy nice gifts and let DH (who has inherited his mum's gift buying genes it has to be said) loose

Why didn't he just tell her they are neither ungrateful or spoiled, and he doesn't know why she bothers either?

He did. I just paraphrased a bit in the OP.

Why not call her and ask her what she'd like, then get something vastly different, that you think she needs?
Like this: www.amazon.co.uk/d/Books/Good-Granny-Guide-Jane-Fearnley-Whittingstall/1780720319?tag=mumsnetforum-21

OP..How does it work the other way round with presents you buy MIL ?

I just don't get this. Why bother asking then ignoring? Clearly, she thinks she knows best. You've had the honest conversation and she got angry. She won't change. I would be forthright and say 'nothing' when she asks what they want, given she refuses to listen to advice.

My DM is exactly the same, spends hard earned money on total tat or something never mentioned in her hearing. It's weird. She gets my dh a diary every year, despite knowing we have an online version he creates and shares so it's on all our devices. What makes it worse is that it's always one from a different country! I was told I was a terrible person for wanting to reiterate that he didn't want a diary before Christmas, but surely it makes sense for her to find stuff that would be appreciated. Both of your dd's hobbies are a piece of cake to buy for!

I'm with OP - as I get older I am less tolerant of wasteful presents (and wasteful stuff)
It's a waste of time money and stuff in general.
It is the thought that counts so people should put in some thought.
Every year my SIL buys those stupid Boots gift sets and every year they go into the charity bag - it's a total waste of time

MIL didn't believe DD was so tall and didn't wear clothes sized for her age group. So would buy the 'correct' size no matter what she was told.
They would be too small, and then she would complain DD didn't wear them
Waste of time....

I think the fact that your DH never protested about crap gifts when he was growing up hasn't helped.

DH is just like this. When we first got together I used to marvel at the unsuitable clothes his mum would buy him for Xmas/birthdays and the fact that all he'd ever say to her was 'thank you'! The fact that we live 250 miles apart meant that she wasn't aware that he never wore them. I blame him for letting his mum believe she could do no wrong when buying gifts! I once had to rescue a black and orange striped, bat wing acrylic jumper from the cat basket as PILs were pulling up outside!

But my MIL would never ask, she would just buy whatever she thought best. When dcs were little it grieved me that she would buy duplicates of toys she didn't know we already had or (continuing the theme) totally unsuitable baby clothes. We had little money but she never had the receipt for me to exchange, however often or tactfully I asked. So much money wasted! She has softened a bit as the dcs have got older and tends to give cheques, but still with some gifts. This Xmas it was medium sized t shirts for my 6 foot plus, rugby playing dcs ....

I come from a family where we take things to the opposite extreme - we always ask and listen and gift receipts included wherever possible!

YANBU at all. Your dc sound like lovely well brought up youngsters, but, as you say, it's just disappointing, and such a waste of money.

Would asking for the receipt so you/they could take it back each time work ?

Smiling convincingly and being polite is probably the most important life skill there is.

Gratitude is good for you, cliche or not.

Give the presents to the local charity shop, pat yourself on the back for doing A Good Deed, and forget about it.

I hope you go to straight lengths to ask her what she wants for birthday and Christmas and then buy her something you think she should want instead of something she does want!

I'm wondering what awful thing you could get your dh to buy her - string vest and a hanky for the beach? Big "granny" knickers? Some hair dye and curlers? I'd make it a big joke this Christmas tbh. Give her a little taste of her own medicine. And I agree, your children don't have to be profusely grateful if they're not given what they ask for but what they are expected to want. That's treating them like a non person and can be as bad as getting nothing at all.

YA totally NU!

I hate it when people waste money like this. What's the point? Is your MIL a bargain hunter perhaps, with a budget set in stone, so spends the same amount per grandchild regardless to whether what she buys is suitable or not?

My MIL is very insular. My daughter was a real tomboy but MIL would insist on buying her birthday and Christmas gifts for the granddaughter she 'wanted' rather than the one she actually had. She bought her a Polly Pocket style straw bonnet one birthday!