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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what the hell is going on with my wedding plans?

109 replies

isthismummy · 12/02/2017 09:54

Dp and I got engaged at Christmas time. We've booked wedding already for early summer. Our plan was registery office wedding followed by afternoon tea reception at a hotel we both love. We've hired a lovely room there and can stay as late as we like. Less than twenty guests, just immediate family and friends.

I have four female friends coming.

Original plan was no night do. Only friends a, b and c said we really should have one. Some of them are travelling hundreds of miles to be with us and we needed to have a proper party (no scope for dancing etc in hotel. It's quite a fancy one)

Therefore I found what I thought was a nice, small evening venue, but with a grand minimum bar spend charge. This means searching around for more guests than I would really care about inviting to cover it.

I went there yesterday with friend c and another friend to look at it. I didn't like it when I saw it and said so. Friend c clearly got annoyed because of that and after twenty minutes got up and left!

I didn't want a hen do, but friends are insisting I should have one. Now that's tuned into friends a, b, c and d debating where to go, some of them don't want to do anything, everyone is getting stressed about it. I'm getting freedback about it all and feeling bad about whole thing.

Friend c in particular has really taken over and it's all questions about guest organisation, wedding morning planning, pre wedding meet ups etc etc etc...

I've also ended up making them all bridesmaids when I wasn't originally planning any! Feel like they are getting so involved (well some of them) that I should ask. However some (not all) have been less than enthusiastic and now I feel shit about that.

I just wanted to marry my dp in the company of the people I loveConfused Really wanted to avoid all the stressful wedding bullshit and now I've been lumbered with it anyway!

I'm very grateful that they care and want to help, but I'm starting to wonder what the fuck happened to my wedding plans. Feeling totally overwhelmed atm and like eloping is a good idea. Dp feels the same! Really stressed and unhappy about it all.

AIBU to tell them how I feel or do I just accept it's all inevitable wedding stuff?

OP posts:
Original poster
isthismummy · 12/02/2017 11:44

They've told me that the brides friends always arrange the hen do. Is that not right? I've never been to one before, so I don't knowConfused

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 12/02/2017 11:46

OP - your chief BM usually arranges the hen do, at least in a wedding with bridesmaids that happens.

Brides friends do not generally organise a hen do. Though thinking about it, one or two of them may help chief BM.

LittleBearPad · 12/02/2017 11:49

Do what you want to do.

I had a lovely wedding but there's a fair few times I wish DH and I had just run away together by ourselves.

lougle · 12/02/2017 11:50

Well yes, but they should be arranging a hen do that you like and want. Not what they think you should have!

LittleBearPad · 12/02/2017 11:51

Whoever wants to organise the hen do usually does. It's just often the bridesmaid(s) know the bride best.

You do not need to have a hen-do, if you don't want one.

Astro55 · 12/02/2017 11:51

Can't you slightly change the meal the night before to his and her tables? Or separate restaurants and meet after?

That way you can call it a hen do and have a meal that you wanted

Just a thought

Original poster
isthismummy · 12/02/2017 11:53

I don't have a chief BM.

To be fair I'm sure they will do something I want. It just sounds like getting everyone to agree is proving a nightmare and frankly not worth the hassle!

OP posts:
Original poster
isthismummy · 12/02/2017 11:56

I don't really want to do that Astro. I rarely see my DF and db as we are at opposite ends of country. Plus one of my best friends is a man and I don't want him excluded.

OP posts:
TheseAreTheGoodOldDays · 12/02/2017 11:56

Hope all works out well thisismummy! Remember that it's yours and your partners day, not theirs, you have to look back on it and be happy :) I say this knowing I'm going to find myself in the exactly the same position this year 😕

YouTheCat · 12/02/2017 11:57

Tell them no bridesmaids.

Tell them evening do will be an informal drink in a pub.

Tell them no hen do.

If they don't like it, then they don't have to come. These aren't friends if they can't just be happy for you and celebrate the way you want to.

This is yours and your dp's wedding, not theirs. Please yourselves.

ohtheholidays · 12/02/2017 12:02

Please stand upto them all and have the amazing wedding you and your DP want!

I've been married twice,both times my sodding Mother took over and thanks to the wankery of some of the people at my second wedding(they were my relatives)we cut lots of them out of our lifes the same day and my Mum at first tried to meddle(to get us to talk to them again)I told her she needed to stop or she wouldn't see me again and then she spent the next 3 years saying sorry because she knew if she hadn't kept pushing and pushing us that we wouldn't have had the wankers any where near our wedding.

Make sure you have the wedding you want and that you'll love don't give into the pressure.

Wolpertinger · 12/02/2017 12:02

Could you by any chance plan your honeymoon so that you have to leave for flights mid-afternoon? So no evening do?

We did the afore-mentioned 11am ceremony, followed by lunch and chatting. About 18-20 guests.

We then made a grand exit about 4pm to get our flights and everyone else went home.

SuperFlyHigh · 12/02/2017 12:02

Agreed with YoutheCat tell it as she's put it and if they don't like it, then...? well lump it!

GreenShadow · 12/02/2017 12:03

Brides friends certainly do not ALWAYS organise the hen do!
I had a lovely meal out with friends both male and female, organised completely by myself. It was perfect and exactly what I wanted.
As everyone is saying, just go with what you want.

Original poster
isthismummy · 12/02/2017 12:05

We aren't having a honeymoon until later in year, so that's not possible.

As I've said. I'm happy for celebrations to carry on. Just not an organised night do that we have to bloody pay for.

OP posts:
MadisonAvenue · 12/02/2017 12:06

Please, stick to your guns and make your wedding day what you want it to be. Your original plan sounds really lovely, the kind of wedding I'd love to attend.
As soon as we got engaged we had people chipping in with ideas and it put us off actually getting married. I'd never wanted a big wedding and what you have planned is pretty much what I would've wanted. When I told my Mom that I wanted a registry office wedding she was most put out, said she wouldn't bother buying anything new to wear and would pop in after doing her shopping!
So...some years later we had a week in New York booked and I found that it was easy to marry there so that is exactly what we did. No one found out until after the event.

TowerRose · 12/02/2017 12:08

I don't know loads about weddings but I wanted to jump in and say brides can arrange their own hen do (if they want one). My sister got married last year and chose what she wanted to do. It was lovely that she actually had the night she wanted- just a nice meal and a few drinks

cashmerecardigans · 12/02/2017 12:11

Your original plan sounds fabulous. Could you email to say DP and I have had a chat and we've decided to stick with our original plan of x. I know some of you might be disappointed with that, but it's our big day and we really do want to stick with what feels right for us

I didn't have a hen do, but organised what I called a pre wedding catch up with friendsand family in London, it was just drinks and a meal and was wonderful.

Stick to your guns, you'll regret not having the wedding you what more than potentially upsetting your friends, who TBH aren't really worth having if they are not going to respect your choices and be thrilled to just be with you on the day.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 12/02/2017 12:11

Hi Mummy, your original plan, sounds fabulous. Love the idea of high tea.
Don't bother with the Bridesmaids, sounds like one of them, has already spat her dummy out ! It is your day, it's all about you and your DP.
Stop allowing people to take over ( said very kindly ) 😀.
You want your special memories, to be precious and joyous, not stressful and of someone else's making.
Just do, exactly what you want to do, and let that be the end of it.
You sound so sweet.
If you ask, someone very well read and elequent, will know exactly, how you should correctly word your email/text, without unduly offending anyone.

user892 · 12/02/2017 12:15

I think C sounds more like a freeloader than your friend. She has massively overstepped the mark.

midsummabreak · 12/02/2017 12:16

I'm sure you wouldn't try to boss them around about how they should organise their wedding\hen's do. Don't change your original plans, just as you would expect them to keep to their own dreams of how they would like their wedding, and not change everything to suit you..

Cherrysoup · 12/02/2017 12:24

Your plan sounds fab. Please don't let friends, especially C, spoil YOUR day. Don't do a hen do if you don't want one, I find them cringeworthy and refused to even contemplate it. Ultimately, it's your and your DH2B's day, it HAS to go how you two want it, not how your friends want it! Be firm, thank them for their support, don't ,emotion budget because they'll look for cheaper versions of their ideas.

Good luck!

thecolonelbumminganugget · 12/02/2017 12:28

If it makes you feel better thisis we're getting married this summer and are having what will end up being a big wedding and some of my family are being pains in the arse about it - such gems as 'I never needed the big white dress' (upon showing her a normal sized white dress) ' you shouldn't spend all that money on just one day' making pointed comments about how the rennovation work is comming along on the house etc etc. ( It makes bugger all difference to them in terms of their attendance and we can comfortably afford what we've planned as well as doing up the house)

Whatever you do someone will chip in an unwanted opinion about it, the only way you can win is to have a wedding that you and you DP want. We got engaged a year ago now and have perfected the art of smile and ignore.

PassTheWineAndFags · 12/02/2017 12:29

Real friends are happy if you are happy. Take a deep breath and take control, be sure of what you and DP want and make it happen. It will be very empowering. Tell your friends you care about them, and though they may not understand why you are doing it the way you are its want you want. If anyone throws a strop its their problem and they can go do it. Congratulations and be happy OP

Lelloteddy · 12/02/2017 12:29

Stick to your original plans. They sound lovely.
Email your friends and be very clear about what will be happening. The nerve of some people is astounding!