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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what the hell is going on with my wedding plans?

109 replies

isthismummy · 12/02/2017 09:54

Dp and I got engaged at Christmas time. We've booked wedding already for early summer. Our plan was registery office wedding followed by afternoon tea reception at a hotel we both love. We've hired a lovely room there and can stay as late as we like. Less than twenty guests, just immediate family and friends.

I have four female friends coming.

Original plan was no night do. Only friends a, b and c said we really should have one. Some of them are travelling hundreds of miles to be with us and we needed to have a proper party (no scope for dancing etc in hotel. It's quite a fancy one)

Therefore I found what I thought was a nice, small evening venue, but with a grand minimum bar spend charge. This means searching around for more guests than I would really care about inviting to cover it.

I went there yesterday with friend c and another friend to look at it. I didn't like it when I saw it and said so. Friend c clearly got annoyed because of that and after twenty minutes got up and left!

I didn't want a hen do, but friends are insisting I should have one. Now that's tuned into friends a, b, c and d debating where to go, some of them don't want to do anything, everyone is getting stressed about it. I'm getting freedback about it all and feeling bad about whole thing.

Friend c in particular has really taken over and it's all questions about guest organisation, wedding morning planning, pre wedding meet ups etc etc etc...

I've also ended up making them all bridesmaids when I wasn't originally planning any! Feel like they are getting so involved (well some of them) that I should ask. However some (not all) have been less than enthusiastic and now I feel shit about that.

I just wanted to marry my dp in the company of the people I loveConfused Really wanted to avoid all the stressful wedding bullshit and now I've been lumbered with it anyway!

I'm very grateful that they care and want to help, but I'm starting to wonder what the fuck happened to my wedding plans. Feeling totally overwhelmed atm and like eloping is a good idea. Dp feels the same! Really stressed and unhappy about it all.

AIBU to tell them how I feel or do I just accept it's all inevitable wedding stuff?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 12/02/2017 10:37

This is YOUR wedding, not theirs, and they have to be told that! If they get in a huff about that, then they are not good friends. You are not a doll for them to play with, enacting their dream weddings. You are their friend and they should be happy to assist you in having the sort of wedding that YOU want, not impose their desires upon.

Never thought I'd say this, but you need to be a bit more Bridezilla Grin. Demand to have everything your way, and throw a big tantrummy strop if they don't bow down before you immediately! (Not really, but a bit more assertiveness would be good for you.)

Your wedding plans sound absolutely lovely. If your overbearing friends can't hack attending a proper wedding (as opposed to a Hello magazine spread) then they are a bit shallow.

Frazzled2207 · 12/02/2017 10:37

And yy to them going clubbing or whatever they fancy after the main event.

NotYoda · 12/02/2017 10:38

... and yes, OP. What i didn't realise when I got married is that there are lots of people projecting their own ideas (some of them very strongly-held over a number of years) about what a wedding should be. If you are the first among friends or family (like I was) the weight of expectation falls on you.

Original poster
isthismummy · 12/02/2017 10:39

I wanted to get together for meal or what not night before wedding anyway. There's my parents to consider as well who will be travelling down the country.

OP posts:
everythingshunkdory · 12/02/2017 10:40

Your wedding sounds very much like mine and it was lovely. We did a registry office, followed by meal at our favourite restaurant. As all our guests had travelled a long way, I offered to book rooms for them in a hotel to stay the night, and me and dh stayed too. Our 'honeymoon' started the next day. It wasn't a planned evening do, we just had drinks together in the hotel bar. Why not aim for something like that as a compromise?

Original poster
isthismummy · 12/02/2017 10:41

Like I said before... I'm not opposed at all to us all partying on night. Not just at a place I fork hundreds out for and fret about guests lists. It's not what I want my wedding to be about.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 12/02/2017 10:43

I agree with everything.
I cannot impress on you too much how I wish I'd done that!

SalmonFajitas · 12/02/2017 10:44

Wow YANBU your wedding sounds great. FWIW I had a similar small wedding which people had to travel for. All my guests were flattered they'd been included in a small wedding and just wanted to share the day. I did pay for hotel rooms for a few because I knew money was tight for them and they had travel expenses. Forking out huge sums of money for a party you don't want is just crazy!

YouWillNotSeeMe · 12/02/2017 10:45

Your wedding sounds just lovely, if I did mine again it would be even smaller and I only had 50 people.

Send an email today saying you are sorry it has run away but this is the wedding you want and are going back to everything you planned and you don't want a hen night but would be happy with a meal out (or whatever you do want) before hand x

Original poster
isthismummy · 12/02/2017 10:58

This email might take some composing!

OP posts:
Birthdaypartyangstiness · 12/02/2017 11:07

I've been married twice. First wedding was intended to small and grew -about 100 in the end, whole shebang, I hated it. Second was me, DH, 2 witnesses who went to registry office then a nice lunch, then me and DH went off for the weekend.

The key to keeping is small is not forward planning and keeping it quiet so no one gets the chance to chip in with ideas like hen/stag dos etc. So we booked it about 2-3 weeks ahead and accepted that our witnesses depended on availability! You can't do small and have everyone know about it months in advance. The most warning we gave was to close family but was, "we are going to do this sometime without a bit celebration or do, please don't be offended, we want a marriage not a wedding".

TurnipCake · 12/02/2017 11:09

OP, these people are taking the piss.

If they respond in a huff, then they know they're taking the piss, as a true friend wouldn't even put pressure on you to have stuff you don't want.

I find the 'This doesn't work for me' approach helps for piss-takers

So:

"Dear piss-takers

OH and I have been reflecting on our wedding plans, and [all your piss-taking] doesn't work for us. We are grateful for your ideas and they would be nice for someone else's wedding, however OH and I want something that reflects us as a couple, so we're going to be saying no to all your bullshit your suggestions of x, y and z.

We look forward to seeing you at [other event] now sod off."

No apologies, no justifications and if they don't like it, then count yourself lucky you're not marrying them

Original poster
isthismummy · 12/02/2017 11:13

The thing is I do want a celebration. That is what the reception is for and I'd hoped we could stay at the hotel afterwards for cocktails and general swanking round a nice hotelSmile

It just grew into night dos with expensive room hire and guest lists, hen dos and all the rest without me even meaning it too.

I also feel a bit like my dp is getting tacked onto the end of his own wedding as an afterthought Also that there's expectations being put in him to have stag do, best man etc when he doesn't want any of it. He's a really down to earth guy who just wants to marry me. The ceremony and seeing me in my dress is the only part that really matters to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthismummy · 12/02/2017 11:15

Been put on him rather...

OP posts:
user892 · 12/02/2017 11:17

Do please stand up for yourself - true friends will understand and back off completely. I can't believe one walked out on you...

Original poster
isthismummy · 12/02/2017 11:19

Argh. BEING put upon...

OP posts:
user892 · 12/02/2017 11:19

Friend C, needs to get a life. Cancel the hen do, no bridesmaids.

Original poster
isthismummy · 12/02/2017 11:19

The walking out was pretty unbelievable. I don't even know how to handle that one tbh.

OP posts:
user892 · 12/02/2017 11:22

I think she's shown her true colours, I'm afraid.

user892 · 12/02/2017 11:23

She thinks she knows better than you, and your opinions and wants are shit - is what she is basically saying. She'd not be my friend anymore Flowers

Original poster
isthismummy · 12/02/2017 11:32

Honestly though. I just didn't think the venue was suitable. What else was I supposed to say?Confused

OP posts:
user892 · 12/02/2017 11:34

Nothing - you didn't do anything wrong. Her behaviour was absolutely inexcusable and I would have told her so. Did she apologise?

Original poster
isthismummy · 12/02/2017 11:37

No she didn't. She didn't flounce off in a huff as such. More sat there looking increasingly annoyed. I asked her if she was OK and she said yes but that she was going to go. Then she just got up and left!

I haven't heard from her since!

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 12/02/2017 11:38

Your wedding sounds lovely!

I can't believe that friends are trying to railroad you or even put their opinions across re your wedding - it's all very well having opinions beforehand when you're not organising it but to actually source locations, preplanned ideas of hen dos etc and expect you to go along with it?! Who do they think they are especially C who I think will be the one to make the most waves about it.

I agre with what user892 and though I may not cut off her friendship I'd be having a bloody good talk with her about her behaviour relating to your wedding because of the storming out etc. the other 2 would just get an email/whatsapp.

jennielou75 · 12/02/2017 11:43

Our wedding was our wedding! No hen night as I can't stand them. Instead we did nails and face packs in my hotel room for our mums and bridesmaids. My husband went to football with some friends for his thing. We did an all in deal at a hotel so evening do was included. To be honest not many people stayed up late so drinks in the bar would have done.
We had the wedding we wanted, we did it all ourselves with help from Close family and friends and everyone said it was a great day. Make the changes now so you get the day you want. If they are good friends they should want happiness for you.