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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what the hell is going on with my wedding plans?

109 replies

isthismummy · 12/02/2017 09:54

Dp and I got engaged at Christmas time. We've booked wedding already for early summer. Our plan was registery office wedding followed by afternoon tea reception at a hotel we both love. We've hired a lovely room there and can stay as late as we like. Less than twenty guests, just immediate family and friends.

I have four female friends coming.

Original plan was no night do. Only friends a, b and c said we really should have one. Some of them are travelling hundreds of miles to be with us and we needed to have a proper party (no scope for dancing etc in hotel. It's quite a fancy one)

Therefore I found what I thought was a nice, small evening venue, but with a grand minimum bar spend charge. This means searching around for more guests than I would really care about inviting to cover it.

I went there yesterday with friend c and another friend to look at it. I didn't like it when I saw it and said so. Friend c clearly got annoyed because of that and after twenty minutes got up and left!

I didn't want a hen do, but friends are insisting I should have one. Now that's tuned into friends a, b, c and d debating where to go, some of them don't want to do anything, everyone is getting stressed about it. I'm getting freedback about it all and feeling bad about whole thing.

Friend c in particular has really taken over and it's all questions about guest organisation, wedding morning planning, pre wedding meet ups etc etc etc...

I've also ended up making them all bridesmaids when I wasn't originally planning any! Feel like they are getting so involved (well some of them) that I should ask. However some (not all) have been less than enthusiastic and now I feel shit about that.

I just wanted to marry my dp in the company of the people I loveConfused Really wanted to avoid all the stressful wedding bullshit and now I've been lumbered with it anyway!

I'm very grateful that they care and want to help, but I'm starting to wonder what the fuck happened to my wedding plans. Feeling totally overwhelmed atm and like eloping is a good idea. Dp feels the same! Really stressed and unhappy about it all.

AIBU to tell them how I feel or do I just accept it's all inevitable wedding stuff?

OP posts:
Mamabear14 · 12/02/2017 10:19

We looked at millbrook! But they couldn't accommodate 3 children as well. We are taking our 3 kids. My eldest will walk me down the aisle, middle DS will be best man and our toddler DD flower girl. We might take the dog too :)

greenmidgetgems · 12/02/2017 10:20

I had a small wedding. 22 people, 18 of which were immediate family plus 2 friends each. Got married in registry office then went to guesthouse with a restaurant and had a meal. Everyone stayed over, we had all the rooms and the run of the place. No proper evening do though. DH doesn't drink and I was PG so we went off to bed and everyone else stayed up and had a bit of party Grin

I was talked into hen do, just a night out but I still regret it. I was about 8 weeks PG, felt and looked horrendous. I sat with bunny ears and a bride to be sash on while everyone else got pissed.

Put on your big girl pants and send that email. If they take the huff then they aren't worth calling friends.

Original poster
isthismummy · 12/02/2017 10:21

We looked at Millbrooke as well. It looks so beautiful.

OP posts:
Katy07 · 12/02/2017 10:22

Cancel everything you don't want (including the hen do) and go back to what you & DP want.Scrap the bridesmaids & everything if necessary. If they are your friends they'll want you to enjoy it, if they're arsey then they're not friends & you can blow them off. Enjoy!

ProfYaffle · 12/02/2017 10:24

Stick to your guns. Dh and I had a similar experience, found ourselves gradually railroaded into a bigger wedding than we'd planned. We put the brakes on, cancelled the fancy Hotel and ended up with the registry office/restaurant/down the pub for 20 people we envisaged in the first place.

We've said over and over that we're really glad we held out for the wedding we wanted that reflected our personalities. We've have felt very resentful if we'd had someone else's do (iyswim).

MimiSunshine · 12/02/2017 10:24

Oh and I've just seen your other comment. STOP apologising. You aren't a crappy bride.

Don't say sorry in the message to them, what's to apologise for? You're getting married, you're keeping it small, they are invited as part of a select few, they should feel pleased (but not obligated 😝) not offended you aren't having an evening disco.

PollytheDolly · 12/02/2017 10:24

We looked at Millbrooke as well. It looks so beautiful.

The new Tree Top Escape they've built might suit you. I think up to 20 guests?

We had a look around it whilst there, it's incredible!

Original poster
isthismummy · 12/02/2017 10:25

None of them are married.

I do feel like there's a lot of ideas of what a wedding should be flying around. Ideas that would be great for someone else's wedding, just not ours!!

OP posts:
LizzieMacQueen · 12/02/2017 10:26

You can't have a wedding of less than 20 people (2 of whom are you and your DP) with 4 bridesmaids. That's bonkers.

Please reconsider having them as BMs.

Original poster
isthismummy · 12/02/2017 10:27

Treetop escape looks amazing. However the logistics of getting my guests to Cornwall makes my bloood run coldGrin

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 12/02/2017 10:27

Have the wedding you want, not what your friends' want. They have had or will have their chance when they got/get married.

I think your wedding plans sound perfect (probably because it's almost identical to what we did).

leojohnsmummy · 12/02/2017 10:27

you not being unreasonable, its your's and your husbands day so people shouldn't be trying to take over. I'd tell them to do one, you didnt want all the stress of having such a massive hectic wedding. Tell them to back off or none of them are invited its just not fair it's your day and you should be able to do it how you want!

Chasingsquirrels · 12/02/2017 10:28

I've been married twice and not once had a hen do.

Parker231 · 12/02/2017 10:28

Do what you want - it's your wedding and it totally should be what you want. If others don't agree; that's their problem! I didn't get given away - hate the idea of DF handing me over to DH, didn't have a top table, no first dance and no formal speeches - we had an amazing wedding and our guests (small special group of family and friends who meant a lot to us) all enjoyed themselves.

Original poster
isthismummy · 12/02/2017 10:29

Can't you Lizzie? I'd never thought about it.

They aren't going to be matchy matchy or anything. I was basically just going to give them all a bouquet!

OP posts:
Original poster
isthismummy · 12/02/2017 10:31

We aren't having top tables or first dance either. Although I'm already working on my speechGrin

OP posts:
LizzieMacQueen · 12/02/2017 10:31

Sorry. Should have said 'in my opinion it's bonkers'. Wink

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 12/02/2017 10:32

You can have anything you want, OP. Despite the judgy friends and now the judginess from Lizzie, it's your wedding. Your choices. Your wants and needs.

Your original day sounds lovely!

SandyGEE12 · 12/02/2017 10:32

Can you stick to your original plan, but then reserve some tables at a bar/restaurant to ensure you have space somewhere to go after?

PollytheDolly · 12/02/2017 10:33

Treetop escape looks amazing. However the logistics of getting my guests to Cornwall makes my bloood run cold

That is certainly an issue. We could have had a couple of people but it's a big ask across the country (and financially) so decided to keep it just us.

Vq1970 · 12/02/2017 10:33

If they were really your friends, they would be supporting your ideas and would know that the big wedding they want is not you. They certainly wouldn't be walking out of venues in a strop because they can't have things done their own way.

It's your day, yours and your partner. Do what suits you and if they really are your friends, they will support every decision you make.

NotYoda · 12/02/2017 10:36

My advice would be to stick to your guns. It's a small daytime wedding, that's what it is. Not some compromise mish-mash thing.

Everyone who is coming is coming because they want to. They are adults who are capable of entertaining themselves for an evening if they want to.

I made this mistake and ended up with a party the next day with 140 people. I hated it. Guests had a great time.

Married 20 years, happily. I think horrible thoughts about my wedding day which is not nice

Frazzled2207 · 12/02/2017 10:37

I think your wedding sounds lovely. I think you're just going to have to tell them honestly to back off!! It's YOUR day not theirs.

What about a quiet hen do/meal out with your closest friends the night before the wedding? So the travelling is more worthwhile for them?

Original poster
isthismummy · 12/02/2017 10:37

SandyGEE. Dp and I found a few cool pubs last night where you can hire a room cheap/for free. We thought we might do that.

OP posts:
Astro55 · 12/02/2017 10:37

I read your post and thought 'how lovely' relaxed informal, simple. No expectations.

I love a rock up wedding!!! No faff!!

Sounds great - stick with it!

At least you've researched the options and given it some thought - rather than an outright NO!

Email - dear all thanks for all your input, but on reflection we wish to stick to the original plan of 20 people with afternoon tea. You are all welcome to party afterwards and o hear X bar is fabulous!

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